You are nothing but your breath. Exhale.

You are nothing but your breath. Exhale.

August light 2013...what a difference a year makes...

Today is not at all the day that I was so magically given exactly one year ago. Nor will tonight be anything like that night. But that day, and that night, changed my life…Ignited my soul…Reminded me exactly who I am, what I want, who I’m not, what I don’t want… and that I am beautiful, even and especially when I don’t think so. It also flooded my brain with dopamine and all those other connection chemicals that happen all too rarely in my life. So grateful.

And I’ll tell you, I’ve almost dreaded the coming of this un-anniversary of sorts. I’ve imagined I’d be heartsick, bottomlessly sad, wake up crying, start drinking at dawn (just kidding), that I’d re-read old emails that I’ve intentionally not re-read before…that I’d pine and mope and turn myself inside out in anguish. But I’ve already done all those things (except the drinking at dawn…not about to start).  And I’ve done them countless times. Sometimes they’ve caught me by surprise, while other times the feelings just greeted me softly like an old and familiar friend. They comforted me.  Odd. The utter soul drenching sorrow that I’ve felt over the past 10 months has become such a regular part of my life that I think I’m almost afraid of living without it. You know, as in, if I let it go, then I am also letting that love go and then it simply ceases to exist. And without love, then I cease to exist. Because of that mirror analogy. We mirror each other. Mirrored.

The truth is, Love doesn’t cease to exist.  It cannot.  If it does, it isn’t love. So, there’s never anything to fear. That’s just the lizard talking. (“there, there little lizard, everything is ok”)

But, I’ve held on to that for so long.  Why? Human nature? Sure. Addiction to the feeling of said mirroring?   Sure again. Wishing? Hoping? Wanting? Craving? Missing?  Yes, all of that. Especially missing. Missing my mirror. My love. My “you”. My co-defined “One”.

More accurately, the truth is it’s a bit more pitiful and self serving than that.

Because I know better. On the cellular level, I do. However halfway evolved I like to think I am, my monkey mind, my citta vritti still takes over sometimes. More than I’d like to admit. And then I selfishly feel sorry for myself. Then, of course, the inevitable self loathing for stepping off my own path to evol-lightenment. (That’s my hybrid of evolution and enlightenment. I don’t kid myself thinking I will attain enlightenment, but hope to simply stay on the path that enlightens me a wee tad more each day. Micro-Turtle steps.)

What a mess!! Do you see a downward spiral pattern here that makes you want to roll your eyes, or just chuckle at me softly because you are all human too, and understand, and know that I will right myself once again? Yes.  I will. And am. It’s so funny, really.

And this life o’ mine, really is extraordinary. That I’ve been privileged with this gift, this adventure, these eyes that get to see so much beauty…and these ears that hear so much music…these fingers that get to touch so much texture and life…this heart that gets to feel and experience so much magic… I have to chuckle at myself in spite of the monkey.

Looking back over the past year, I can scarce believe all that has happened and that I’ve experienced. The full moon night meeting with a kindred soul whose company I never grew weary of (no small feat)…a desert sunset, discovery…loads of discovery…hiking in Oman, night swimming in iridescent new moon waters…my father’s death – forever sealing the deal that he and I will never get to know one another…trips home to be with my loves in Virginia, time spent getting to know my brother (at least over email), camping in the Mangroves and watching Abu Dhabi’s lights from my open tent…an unforgettable karma yoga trip to India with 8 magnificently heart-beautiful women and meeting the most enchanting and loving children there…getting to sit in the temple of the Amritapuri ashram before dawn meditating…sleeping on the hard floor of the ashram dorm room and loving it…the inevitable breaking open of my heart when the time came to say goodbye to the subject mirror of this post…a journey to Thailand to meet new magical people and deepen my ashtanga practice Mysore style…the journey to France to reconnect with myself through endless daylong hikes through the mountains, vineyards, villages and the nights with beautiful friends there who have become family…the indescribably fortuitous experience of enrolling in the Martha Beck Life Coach course and the countless way-finders and beings of light and love I encounter there every single day and know that I will continue to in my evol-lightenment…watching the place I work fall apart and my job there start to die a slow death. (Yes, that’s happening, but it’s ok…when its over, new exciting things will await me!! I have no doubt about that)...all bringing me to today.

Reflecting on the magic and wonder of this past year. Astounding!! Profound. Beautiful. Otherwordly, even!

And yes, though through the writing of this post, I have found myself in a few heaps of heaving sobs, I end with the feeling with which I began:

Gratitude.

Sheer, unadulterated, endless, universe sized buckets of gratitude. Mixed with a bit of wonder over it all.  And complete unconditional love for all that has passed and all that is to come. Acceptance. Love. Unconditional. Peace. Enough.

…and that’s my message for any of you (however discombobulated it may be) who may not know what is next, or who may feel a little blue, out of sorts,  going through a heartbreak, unsure of how to start…

Start where you are.  Practice, practice – all is coming.  (You gotta love the yoga metaphors, as they are filled with truth.)  And know that you are loved and that you are love, as are we all.   It’s a big world and there’s a lot going on every day, too much really.  We are all in this together.  I’m honored to share the ride with all of you.

Yep! That’s a whole lotta feeling for a little cricket, but maybe, just maybe, that’s my superpower .

 

Namaste.

 

I've moved to Wordpress

http://camelkarma.com

see you there....
tell your friends...
bring some inspiration...
sit with me on my imaginary porch and we'll have some tea, and a chat...

love, love and more love.

reality - sanity - insane reality...whatever, it's just truth

it's all bullshit
and it's all real.
and it's all real
and it's all bulllshit
and the only thing that matters...is that even though it is all bullshit and it is all real....is that you keep believing. and that I keep believing.  and that somewhere along the way - we speak our truth, imagined persecutory consequences be damned.

just.  speak. your. truth.

message to everyone, anyone, all ones, you, me, the universe.

why I write....the epiphany extends...

You know that feeling when you realize something that you have always known, but didn't know you knew? Or that you figured was just your "cross to bear" and you didn't know how to express it, change it, much less conceptualize it? Well, I do...

and that's where I am today. 

Sitting squarely back at the beginning, in the proverbial "ring of fire" chock full of fear butterflies, but I think a few of them might just be excitement butterflies...(the good kind).

So, how to encapsulate this in writing so that it makes sense and keep it short without telling too many stories...

hmmm...here goes -

So, I've done this struggle/dance with unworthiness all my life, right? Not good enough...not smart enough...not thin enough...not pretty enough...not nice enough...not interesting enough...not successful enough...not from the right family enough...teeth not white enough...add whatever "not enough" most resonates here and you can maybe understand where I am coming from. Or maybe you can't. Hopefully you can't.  

Because, that ridiculously negative slippery slope leads to thoughts like "I can't talk to that guy, because I'm not pretty and thin enough and besides - who would love me?"...or worse, and yes, it is worse...."oh great, someone just said they love me so I better marry them - I'll figure out if we are a match later..." (can you say, recipe for DOOM??)..or "I can't apply for this job because I'm not smart enough or experienced enough or talented enough and anyway why would they hire me?"..."I can't smile because I'm ugly..." "I can't draw because I'm not talented"... "I don't have the right clothes to go to that party...to go to that yoga class...to go on that date..."..."I can't do this because of that...." etc, etc, etc, till I wanna puke. ENOUGH!

I know, I know - you think I am all self-confidence, sunshiney, rainbow, yoga is my life and so I'm zen and happy and my world is perfect because I get to travel and I say all this positive stuff all the time....Or, you may think I am full of shit because I live outside of romantic relationship-land and off the grid outside my home country and rarely see the ones I love and am hiding from something.... Somewhere in the middle lies the truth. 

So, back to my actual point, as indicated in the post title "why I write"... It's so simple, I can't believe I hadn't properly realized it previously. 

I write because when I write - I speak my truth.  When I write, I express without fear.  Or sometimes with fear, but I overcome it. I don't hesitate. 

Yet, when I speak verbally, I seem to dwell in the land of limiting beliefs and fear.
I always hesitate. I always second guess myself.  I always fear.

I fear that noone will listen...or that what I say doesn't matter...or isn't interesting...or that I will say it wrong...or that I will be misunderstood...or that I'll say something that causes conflict and that conflict will make me lose the relationship with the person to whom I am speaking...or that I am not worthy... talk about your vicious cycles!

So.  I wanna be a life coach, eh?  A role where speaking out loud and with purpose and love and direction is required? A place where I have to deem myself worthy enough to not only listen to what you want to share with me, but to also share something in return that will hopefully help you find your answers? Yep - I do.  And I couldn't be more excited about it!! (I'm oxymoronic that way.)

Disclaimer...As a life coach in training, my intent and purpose is not to fix you...not to tell you what to do...not to tell you what is wrong with you...not to judge you...and not even to counsel you.  My hope and mission is to inspire you and to share with you some tools that I'm learning to help you heal yourself...and love yourself and for removing any of your own limiting beliefs and obstacles and maybe help you realize that the negative voice in your head, your fear, your inner lizard are all just stories you have learned to tell yourself and that you can counter those stories with brighter, more love serving stories that will then hopefully lead you to realize that you, too, are worthy...and that you do deserve to live the life that calls to you...and that loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and recognizing that we are all connected and capable of magic we have never ever dreamed of.   I think all of us think we are alone, and the truth is - we are never alone. We are love.  We are one. We are worthy. Really.  We are.

Believe me, I've cultivated a deep and personal relationship with my inner lizard, (I call her "Penelope, please" - yes, a  nod to Terence Trent D'arby) over the years and am fully aware of all her neurotic tendencies and irrational fears...and while I haven't quite reached the point where I can cuddle with her and I don't always immediately recognize when she is sitting on my shoulder fretting...I can laugh at her and play with her when I step back long enough to see that she is just worried about not being safe.  Not being loved.  Not being accepted.  Not being heard. 

Then, I can calmly exhale and assure her that she is always safe with me and always loved and accepted and heard by me and that all will always be well.  Because it will.  Sometimes, I imagine I can hear her little tiny lizard sigh and she actually sounds like those wondrous laughing geckos I am so in love with in Costa Rica, India and Thailand. Maybe that is why I am always so at peace in those countries.  Ahhhhhhhhh - sigggghhhhhh.

Quick tidy summary? Give yourself a break.  Love yourself to pieces. Embrace the magic of the other living beings around you.  Tell yourself some new and wonderful stories.  And do what makes your heart sing. Do what your truth tells you to do. Do it even if your loved ones think you can't. And remember, we are all in this together.

And as all my yoga teachers and my yoga mat remind me daily- practice, practice. All is coming.

Namaste, ya'll.

It's funny, but it's true...

Here I am. March 22. 2013. A time my younger mind could not conceive of.

I'm 45. I'm living in the Middle East. I'm traveling the world. (Sometimes). I'm doing my best to live my truth, every day. I have no relationship of the romantic kind. I don't care. If I have one again, it will be extraordinary. I've learned that I shouldn't and quite frankly won't settle for less. Because I found that. And anything less would be ridiculous. And pointless.

And, I've never been happier in my life.

Really.

I've been AS happy. But not happier. I dig bliss. I do.

I have no idea what is next. Where I'm going. Or sometimes, exactly who I am....but I am in love with the journey. And with me. And with the planet and the universe. And mirrors. And catalysts. Energy. Love. Starlight. Waters that glow. Auras that glow. Naps on beaches. Memories that enhance, and don't pollute.

Thanks for being with me on this ride. For hangin in from time to time. For reading. I have this feeling it just gets more extraordinary from here. It may be only something I see, or feel, or hear....but it will be real nonetheless.

Love, light and peace.
X's and O's. Saids. And unsaids.
~~~N a m a s t e ~~~

Mirrors

A lover asked his beloved,

Do you love yourself more than you love me?

Beloved replied, I have died to myself and I live for you.

I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,

I am present only for you.

I've forgotten all my learnings,

but from knowing you I've become a scholar.

I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.

I love myself...I love you.

I love you...I love myself.

Rumi

...miles to go before I sleep...

So, I just finished today's Life Coach class and have been inspired to write some stuff down, work some shit out and share it with the universe and all who wish to listen....

(Class is at 5PM Pacific time...which is 4AM Abu Dhabi time thanks to Daylight savings...which means I get up at 3AM to make coffee so that I am coherent enough to be present in class by 4AM...in case you were wildly curious about that.)

We have been going through a series of "Coach the Coach" practicums for the past 4 weeks and it never ceases to unsettle me, "a ha-moment" me, make me feel more connected and alternately disconnected from the world at the same time.  There is always something someone else is going through that resonates with me so personally and so deeply, that even if I am not the one speaking, I always walk away feeling cleansed and as if I have been coached....and also feeling like I still have a hellofa lot of work to do.  "miles to go before I sleep"...Remember that poem? Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening?  Robert Frost?

" the woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep."

I seem to vaguely remember a movie with Charles Bronson where this character kept making phone calls and repeating this line and it was sort of scary, suspenseful, thrillerey....Does anyone else remember that movie?  Hang on, I gotta Google it now....be right back...

(while you wait for me to come back, think of a happy song or a warm sunny day or a beautiful memory where it felt like falling in love or something...if you get so caught up you decide not to wait for me, SMILE, I will completely understand...)

Ohhhhhh, now I remember (post Google search)...the movie was called "Telefon".  1977.  I was 10 years old. And I loved Charles Bronson movies.  So, in a nutshell the movie has Bronson as a Russian Intelligence officer (because in those days, Russia was THE big evil that we were all taught to fear...). He is given a mission to kill 51 deepcover Russian agents living in the US. They are all programmed to respond to posthypnotic suggestion...Bronson is the good guy against Donald Pleasance's bad guy operative who calls these Russian operatives, says their Russian name, repeats the Robert Frost line above, which posthypnotically compels them to go blow up some critical American communications or military facility. So Bronson is supposed to kill them before they can receive the activating phone call that will send them into KGB vs US explosion-land. Lee Remick also plays a Russian agent who is assigned to kill Bronson after assisting him in killing all the others, but of course - she falls for him.  No spy movie would be complete without a little love story. So, not a great movie...but not a bad one either.  Good actors. Spy thriller type thing.  How did I get on this tangent, you ask? For whatever reason, whenever I think of the Frost poem, because of that movie, I hear Donald Pleasance' voice repeating the words...then I get an eerie feeling and then I don't remember if I like the poem or if I am afraid of it.  Conditioning.  That's how our brains work- for better or worse...through associations.  That is my association.  The movie and the lines haunt me in much the same way Marathon Man does...you know that scene?  The dentist torture scene? Dustin Hoffman, being tortured by the ex Nazi who kept asking "Is it safe?". He wants to know if he will be robbed when he retrieves some diamonds he has stashed in a safe deposit box. For some reason, this movie is actually what got me interested in running. 

Welcome to MY tangent-laden mind.

Anyway, I am pretty sure I didn't come here today to talk to you about Charles Bronson or Robert Frost, dental torture or what inspired me to start running...you may be astonished to know that I also did not come here to talk to you about love. Hoo-freaking-ray!!! Seriously, it gets so tedious sometimes, I get on my own nerves, so I share your pain and your eye rolls... (but thanks for continuing to read anyway.  I'll do my best not to make it a train wreck or Nascar pile up, even if that's what you came for.)

Ready? OK. 

So, as I was saying...I was in life coach class today and several people brought up the fear and self doubt and "am I good enough" type self limiting thoughts and beliefs around why they want to be a life coach.  Or why they are in a life coach class when they aren't so sure they are going to be any good at it and are now therefore questioning the substantial tuition investment in the course.  And THIS all resonated with me so deeply that I could feel my body actually humming.  (We talk about limiting beliefs, and not being afraid to suck, and recognizing that all the negative shit we tell ourselves all the time are just stories and that we can choose to tell ourselves a different story...we also talk about how emotions and every day tasks show themselves in our bodies...you know, the gut feeling you get about a decision you need to make...or the ache in your heart when something painful happens...that choking feeling you get when you want to speak but can't, butterflies when you're scared, butterflies when you're in love...nausea when you're nervous...etc.)

The thing I didn't necessarily realize about life coach training, or maybe I did realize it, but I was thinking of it in a romantic-"Oh finally, I'm going to save the world!" excited and unfathomably naive kind of way before I started digging in...is that there is a lot, (and I mean A MOUNTAINOUS LOT) of self work and personal excavation and soul spelunking that will occur as a natural by product of going through the class.  This, in and of itself makes the entire class and investment worthwhile - even if I don't make life coaching a new vocation some day. It also means that during this process, said spelunking also causes regressions to old behaviors and insecurities and the old habitual self-sabotage that is just really going to need some addressing. (I'll get there...)

But, just because it's worthwhile...and just because it is amazing...and just because it is positively life changing...mind altering...chakra opening...heart depthening (is depthening a word? It seems appropriate here) and makes sense to me on levels I didn't know existed...does most assuredly not mean that it is easy.  Or even fun. (though, to be fair, some of it IS fun...or at least the end results will be).

And I'm here to tell you, it has not been and is not easy for me.  But that is good.  That means I'm growing...my soul is stretching...I'm being forced to face shit I haven't bothered to face yet and am finding shit to face that I had long ago forgotten existed. And at the end of it all, maybe my experiences and perspectives in life and healing and my unswerving belief in loving myself and my neverending message to you to love yourself....maybe all of this will help someone. Somewhere.  Somehow. Maybe more than one someone.  Right???

So, the question again - why do I want to life coach? Why did I sign up for this course? Who the hell do I think I am trying to become a healer? Why did the entire concept of life coaching speak to me so deeply when I first heard of it a decade ago that I felt as if it was an old friend tapping me on the shoulder to give me a shy hello, and then wrapping great big bear arms of welcome around me to tell me I'm home?  Why? Why indeed.  I suppose that is a partially rhetorical why with many unsaids and undefinables and yet to be definables.

But mostly - really, as sappy or airy fairy, touchy feely, new agey or whatever as it may sound....it is because for as long as I remember, and I can remember a long way back....I see people's pain.  Not only do I see it, but I FEEL it.  It is usually the first thing I notice in another human being. Not because I like it or I want to see them in pain...but because I have lived a life of deep intimacy with pain and I know it so well that I feel like there just simply has to be a way that I can help them through it.  Around it. Over it. To the other side of it into that beautiful land of acceptance and surrender and peace and love.  Roll your eyes if you want to.  Shake your head. Tell me I'm crazy and that I am living in a fantasy world.  You and my Lizard, Jan Brady can say this all you want, but I believe in the core of my being that if I have a purpose in life - - - it is to help people in some way and the best way I know how is to use what I know.  And what I know, is Pain. 

Rock bottom, soul wrenching, hopeless, despairing, unending pain that makes you want to either live under a rock or throw yourself off a mountain of rocks. And, while it is a journey I expect to be on for the rest of my life - I also know (or am learning) how to crawl out from under that rock...and how to strap on a hang-glider before jumping off that mountain.  I know fear.  I know its power to paralyze.  I know self punishment and self loathing stories that would make anyone want to cower in a cave forever.  And I know those things are lies. Lies I told myself.  Lies I may have been conditioned as a kid to believe.  Lies I have used as an excuse not to be better, do better, feel better.  Still, they are just lies.

I know too well how much easier it is to stay in a painful or uncomfortable place because it is familiar and I "know how to deal with that." But I also know the power of facing my demons, making friends with them instead of fighting them...inviting them to tea and then realizing they are just these old, tattered and sweet stuffed animals that really can't hurt me if I rename them and see them through the eyes of love instead of my fear goggles.  When I look at things, situations, people, anything - with love and light...I feel love and light.  And I see them as love and light.  When I look at them as monsters - they become things to fight or run from...things to fear...things to give me a reason to allow myself to keep telling myself I am powerless and I am a victim and "if only I could...", "if only he would...", "if only it was..." (insert wishful life bettering situation here) then everything would be ok. Fuck that. I'll take, love, please.  With a double side order of peace and joy. If my demons haven't killed me by now, it's a sure bet they aren't going to.  Yes, I will die someday, but not that way. Not in despair.  Not this soul spelunking warrior!

I know that heaven and hell exist right here on Earth.  And that you (and I) can access either one any time.  And we can choose which one to live in.  I've done my stint in hell, thanks. Today? Now? From here on out? You've heard  me say it before...I am completely in love with the whole wide world and find more reasons to deepen that connection every second.  The gratitude is overwhelming.  And it is cleansing. And healing.  And we are all connected...you, me, the guy down the street, the lady on the corner, the baby being born right now, the old man who just died, every flower, every animal, every single thing - C O N N E C T E D.  And because I know this is true...my passion is to help others find it to be true, too.

So, maybe I am crazy and living in a fantasy world...but this crazy-fantasy-driven woman is on a mission to share my crazy, fantasy world with you.  Why? Because it's lovely here.  Come sit on my porch (couch), put your feet up, take a deep breath, and rest. It's time.  You are safe here. 

This.

pretty little epiphany....

So, I'm 45.  How the hell did I get here?

Not even remotely where I imagined I would be when I got to this age. As a kid, I thought 45 was ancient and near death (now I plan to live till I'm 100, at least). I imagined I would have 2 kids, an incredible career as a doctor or a journalist (because those two are so closely related...insert ironic remark here), a wonderful loving husband...though I had no idea what that would actually look like.  My high school boyfriend, I supposed....luckily that didn't work out. 

In fact, none of it did. 

No kids of my own...(though I had the honor and joy of having two teenage boys in my life for a bit in my role as their stepmom.)

I certainly did not become a doctor, (I think my plan was to cure cancer)...but I am working my way towards being a healer of some kind. (at least that is what I hope I am doing and becoming.)

...and I've no husband, though I've given that a go more than once.

But, really, though I couldn't have ever imagined the life I am living, I now couldn't imagine myself anywhere else.  Well, ok - that isn't true - because I can IMAGINE myself in lots of places and often do.  Africa comes to mind and keeps showing itself to me in many ways. As does Costa Rica, always....when I think of the US, I think of Virginia...and then of the Pacific Northwest, even California.  Bali...oh Bali...I'm supposed to visit you in April and even have a ticket purchased, but find myself looking for other magical places, so I feel it may not yet be our time...Italy, Spain, Greece, Cyprus, Jordan, Amsterdam, Norway, Sweden...I want to swim in all of you and know you intimately. Ahhhh, ahem...I'm digressing, aren't I? Apologies for making you walk around in my fantasy whilst in the middle of a story that most certainly has a point.  Or does it? Doesn't matter..what matters is the writing and expressing of it. 

Or more accurately - the LIVING of it. Yes.  THAT. IS. WHAT. MATTERS.

So, I'm 45...still writing about, thinking about, learning about, dreaming about, wishing for, looking for....my Love. Yes, the capital L, kind.  The one true, twin flame, split apart, etc... Yes, I am aware that this is my problem, and my downfall and may well be my undoing, but it just gets sweeter every time, so I can either be at peace in the knowledge that I have known the pinnacle (and I may have and that is truly beautiful and ok) or realize that whatever is next is going to be seriously astounding-knock my socks off-rock my world-blow my mind-turn my world upside down-alter my reality AMAZING.  That's what I figured out love is anyway...the real kind....all the way out here in the desert, in the heat of the Ramadan sun and by the light of the Eid stars. So, really, I'm good with that.

And I'm telling this all to my blog, because the unfortunate thing that comes with being 45 and single is the less than positive reaction from friends and family every time I mention a possible date, or any new hint of romance. They sigh, either literally or figuratively roll their eyes, some of them actually don't even reply at all as if I haven't spoken out loud because they simply do not want to talk about it.  I guess they are thinking "here she goes again"..."oh boy, what's THIS one going to be like?"...."she can't seem to stay in a relationship for any real length of time, so why does she bother?"... A couple have even gone so far as to say they just worry because they question my choices because I seem to keep making such bad ones.  Several seem to have determined that I will not find love, so I should just enjoy the ability to be a cougar and have lots of sexual  trysts with men half my age and become some sort of femme fatale or instructress to the young. The whole thought of embodying the cougar moniker makes me sad.  I have absolutely no desire to do that.  In other words, ewwwww!!

...and so to that all of that and all of them, I say "Poppycock"! (sounds nicer than "Bullshit")

You see, what I love about me and my heroine's saga for life, for love...is that I never, ever give up.  And that I remain open...and that each new experience is exactly that - NEW. And better. Not flavored with the past.  Not jaded.  Not judging. Not comparing. Because I really do learn.  My relationships, whether I left them or they left me, have been paths to growth for me...for self understanding and evolution...hence for understanding of others as well.  I see the life and path that I have been traveling, though admittedly very difficult at times, to be a rare and beautiful gift. I've always been able to leave the other person from the relationship in a better place than when we met.  I think that is my natural modus operandi of sorts that I can help others see what holds them back, what keeps them from fully becoming who they want to be...what they are missing, what they need to make themselves happy.  I used to be sort of surprised every time I realized this happened, and now I guess I am starting to see it as the gift that it truly is.  So, maybe this life coaching thing really is for me, no matter how much I think I might suck at it right now. (Our Life Coach Guru, Martha Beck, and her Master Coaches all share the same mantra...which is "Don't be afraid to suck".  Because that is what holds us back sometimes...and if we suck, we learn, and we pick ourselves up and start all over again, a little wiser...)  Sounds like a self help guide for fledgling vampires...but it is good advice.

And today, this moment, right now...I'm remembering to be grateful. For everything.  Every experience.  Every lesson.  Every heartbreak.  Every failure. Every setback. Every seemingly insurmountable mountain. Every shattered illusion.

 ....and I have realized I am in love. Again.  No, not with anyone new...just the only person that matters. Me.  And the whole entire world.  So I guess that means all of you. xo

Love reminded me that "truly being loved by another gives us permission and makes it ok to love ourselves. Fully.  Allows us to see wholeness and radiance (which is there all the time). Our true nature. (Our essential selves). When we see ourselves like that, everything else becomes clearer. The fog of self doubt , insecurity and need fades away."

Further, that "love, (true love, not the lustful sort) and being loved by another is a mirror.  It's a mirror that reflects the truth in us, revealing to ourselves the beauty and goodness inherent within us, perhaps for the first time. Being loved is seeing ourselves.  And seeing ourselves clearly raises the curtains from our eyes, removing the filters that cause us to see the world in muted tones, that keeps the brilliant hidden. The simple, overlooked. And because we are humans with ego and needs, when love goes away, our reflection of our true selves disappears and we're plunged into darkness - (again). We lose sight of our true nature. and we yearn, we pine, we pain, we long for that mirror to return to help us see ourselves once again.  Love and being loved has nothing to do with being deserving, or finding the right one.  Being afraid of love has nothing to do with being heartbroken. Loss.  the phrase 'you hold the keys' is wrong...you hold the mirror.  We all do. "

{Above two paragraphs are borrowed words that speak to me...I take no credit, but did feel inspired to repeat.  Because inspiration begs to be shared...}

That message was freeing and a true gift.  When we lose love, (or tell ourselves that we have lost it, because really, love cannot be lost), we grieve and lose sight of that magic till we find something or someone to replace it with. This is not the answer. The love and those beautiful qualities are already in us.  We are each our own mirror. It's a great metaphor for looking inside ourselves for our answers, our truth, our love.   Or as Siddharta said  "Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without". I believe the same of love.  Seek love within, not without.  Or we can just simplify it down to "you gotta love yourself, girl, before anyone else is gonna love you."

And so, again...I'm still 45 (though it feels like I've been writing this post for years) and the mystery of how the hell I got here is inconsequential.  I have managed to accomplish all that I set out to do and then some...just maybe not in the conventional ways.

Instead of 2 kids, I have as many as I want...my beautiful nieces and nephews, kids in those orphanages in India we visited in December...kids I have yet to meet...your kids, the world's kids. And as a life coach in training with a passion and drive to heal not only myself but anyone else with wounds that need tending ---that doctor thing took a bit of a different twist...and one that I think I like better. The wonderful, loving husband? Well for me, I don't think he is going to come in physical form, so we can call that a metaphor...let's call it that whole, great big wide world that I am so in love with.  Or, if I do meet him, or rediscover him...he'll be in love with the whole, great big wide world too.  What an adventure we shall have!

Till then....I wish enormous buckets happiness, peace, love, and light to all of you.  You already have it right where you need it...inside.  Share it.  That's the secret to making it multiply, and world peace, and the universe, and......everything.

Nothing real is ever lost....

 

 

and the irony is....

that I am not through....(at least I hope not) but "I'm taking a hiatus with love until or unless something life-alteringly remarkable presents itself again" isn't quite as catchy or memorable...

I do so love this song...loved the way Woody Allen used it in "Everyone Says I Love You".

Have a listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2-7_Y0nFZY

I'd really like to write, but....

I'm exhausted...

there is much to say...much to share...much to process...much to be joyful about...much to cry about...much to wish for, hope for, long for...but we all know where that gets us, right? mm hmm 

I am thoroughly enjoying the best education of my life through, well...LIFE...and the journey and the loving and the losing and the exploring and discovering....

I've embarked on a new Life Coach Course with Martha Beck and am so completely immersed and inundated with studies and practice and homework whilst still trying to keep up with my yoga practice and meditation ....that it leaves my mind damn near flatlined most nights.

At the same time, I am renewed and energized and, if you can keep a secret...just dying to have someone to share this stuff with.  And, that is the beauty of it...there are so many to share it with,who want to know what's going on and what it is all about.

Yes, I still long for that person that fits the exact manifestation that I have requested from the universe...As my beautiful friend Sue taught me...ask the universe for the "perfect man for me"...not the perfect man...not someone who is this tall, with this color eyes and hair, who drives this car and makes this much money etc..Just the perfect man for me. I asked for this man last summer and I think I forgot to mention "who also happens to be available and capable of embarking on a journey with me."  Not that I am looking a gift horse in the mouth.  She certainly delivered, my friend the universe...and the journey was life changing, otherworldly and astounding...and in the end - sadly and potentially imaginary.  Fantasy fodder filler for the fella.  And the stuff that dreams are made of for me.  Luckily - I'm fantastically resilient and quite in the know about the whole "impermanence" thing that is reality and can deal. It still sucks.  It still hurts.  It is an existential loss.  And a gain in that way, in that I have truly been able to maintain truth within and to myself...and no shit, love for free....without expectations...and though the loss feels profound, it doesn't really feel like a loss.  Perhaps because it 'twas never mine to lose...or perhaps because we cannot ever lose anything that is real.  And so it goes. 

Ah well, whatever happens next will be interesting.  Life never disappoints me and always surpasses my imagination and visions...so, I sit here in my little zen bedroom in the Middle East overlooking the night sky and cityscape of Abu Dhabi with my chili pepper light on the ceiling....and am filled with wonder, hope, excitement, anticipation, for whatever is next....ready with a warm hug, a passionate kiss, and endless hours of dissolving into whateverness. 

Namaste and shit...(I am really sleepy)
Break on through...
love, just love...
see you on the other side...in the dream space...

and the lotus will arise from the mud....(is, has and will continue to...)

it is enough...

“Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where "I" does not exist, nor "you",
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

― Pablo Neruda
(as felt by a cricket)

words of love from my favorite Sufi poet...Rumi

Love came,
and became like blood in my body.
It rushed through my veins and
encircled my heart.
Everywhere I looked,
I saw one thing.
... Love's name written
on my limbs,
on my left palm,
on my forehead,
on the back of my neck,
on my right big toe…
Oh, my friend,
all that you see of me
is just a shell,
and the rest belongs to love.

Rumi

I didn't write it, but I could have...I so get it, viscerally, soulfully, sensually, wholly...

If you want to change the world love a man; really love him
Choose the one whose soul calls to yours clearly who sees you; who is brave enough to be afraid
Accept his hand and guide him gently to your hearts blood
Where he can feel your warmth upon him and rest there
And burn his heavy load in your fires
... Look into his eyes look deep within and see what lies dormant or awake or shy or expectant there
Look into his eyes and see there his fathers and grandfathers and all the wars and madness their spirits fought in some distant land, some distant time
Look upon their pains and struggles and torments and guilt; without judgment
And let it all go
Feel into his ancestral burden
And know that what he seeks is safe refuge in you
Let him melt in your steady gaze
And know that you need not mirror that rage
Because you have a womb, a sweet, deep gateway to wash and renew old wounds
If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Sit before him, in the full majesty of your woman in the breath of your vulnerability
In the play of your child innocence in the depths of your death
Flowering invitation, softly yielding, allowing his power as a man
To step forward towards you…and swim in the Earth’s womb, in silent knowing, together
And when he retreats…because he will…flees in fear to his cave…
Gather your grandmothers around you…envelope in their wisdoms
Hear their gentle shusshhhed whispers,
calm your frightened girls’ heart
Urging you to be still…and wait patiently for his return
Sit and sing by his door, a song of remembrance,
that he may be soothed, once more
If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Do not coax out his little boy
With guiles and wiles and seduction and trickery
Only to lure him…to a web of destruction
To a place of chaos and hatred
More terrible than any war fought by his brothers
This is not feminine this is revenge
This is the poison of the twisted lines
Of the abuse of the ages, the rape of our world
And this gives no power to woman it reduces her as she cuts off his balls
And it kills us all
And whether his mother held him or could not
Show him the true mother now
Hold him and guide him in your grace and your depth
Smoldering in the center of the Earth’s core
Do not punish him for his wounds that you think don’t meet your needs or criteria
Cry for him sweet rivers
Bleed it all back home
If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Love him enough to be naked and free
Love him enough to open your body and soul to the cycle of birth and of death
And thank him for the opportunity
As you dance together through the raging winds and silent woods
Be brave enough to be fragile and let him drink in the soft, heady petals of your being
Let him know he can hold you stand up and protect you
Fall back into his arms and trust him to catch you
Even if you’ve been dropped a thousand times before
Teach him how to surrender by surrendering yourself
And merge into the sweet nothing, of this worlds’ heart
If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Encourage him, feed him, allow him, hear him, hold him, heal him
And you, in turn, will be nourished and supported and protected
By strong arms and clear thoughts and focused arrows
Because he can, if you let him, be all that you dream
~Anonymous~

I'm a shaman?

Recently...I told a friend I was a shaman...or he told me I was a shaman...or we told each other, I'm not really sure anymore.

I came to this realization as I was reading course material for the life coach course/journey I am getting ready to embark upon. I've always been drawn to some sort of healing profession and as a child, thought I wanted to be a doctor.  This desire dissolved when my grades in chemistry did not indicate that I would be safe for other human beings in that capacity.  In retrospect, i think I would have done quite well in the anatomy and more advanced classes, so maybe it wouldn't have been so bad after all as long as I wasn't going into pharmacy or anaesthesiology....but that sort of medicine doesn't interest me anymore, so it is just as well.

All things healing attract me...reiki, yoga, massage, mindful eating, meditation, laughter, travel, quiet, sharing, gratitude, charity, love...you get the gist.  So as I am reading Martha Beck's books...and she is talking about meeting shamans, wayfinders, menders - essentially those who are born healers, I realize how deeply this resonates with me.  How very natural a concept it seems to me and how I must have known this all along, even if only subconsciously....my whole life has been leading me to this truth.

Then, I feel all tingly and special.  Unique.  Gifted.  Amazing.  Super-hero like.  I knew it!!!  I've found my destiny! At last....big sigh of joy and relief!!!!

Then, I think...I bet anyone reading this book could make these same parallels and could think they are a shaman.  Funny. Everyone can't be a shaman.  Everyone can't be special and unique like me. Can they?

Then I realize...deep inhale....that they can.  And they are.  That you are.  He is. She is. We are.  All of us.  We are all shamans.  We are all healers.  We are all connected.  We are all one.  We may be at different stages on our personal journeys, but we all have the capacity to connect, to touch, to love, to heal, to bring peace. 

We alternately all have the capacity to wound, to neglect, to harm, to burn, to wage war.  (Let's not)

We will not all realize this in our lifetimes. But there does seem to be an awakening of sorts going on in the world, or maybe I am just seeking out these types of people and experiences.  Either way...I wish you all gratitude and healing on your journeys, an open mind, and an open heart. Belief in the power of magic and the realization that magic just means love...and love just means connection - to everything...to everyone...and that everything is beautiful.  and everything and everyone IS magic.

Monkey mind...let go. L e t. G o.

"The ego is a monkey catapulting though the jungle.

Totally fascinated by the realm of the senses, it swings

from one desire to the next, one self-centered idea to the next.

If you threaten it, it actually fears for its life.

Let this monkey go.

Let the senses go.

Let desires go.

Let conflicts go.

Let ideas go.

Let the fiction of life and death go.

Just remain in the center, watching.

And then forget that you are there. "

--Lao Tzu

Relationships make us real...? Yeah, they do. Really.

Repost from Elephant Journal by Rebecca Lammersen January 18, 2013


You Make Me Real.


I really like being alone.

I wouldn’t call myself a loner, but sometimes I like it a little too much—I bathe in my aloneness until I’m forced to get out of the tub.

Everything is easier when it’s just me. I don’t have to answer to anyone.

I walk around the house naked, and I don’t think twice when I engage in ‘bad naked’ activities (as Seinfeld would say). I mix foods that should never go together, and eat them in bed while watching any ‘boring’ documentary I want to, without having to battle for viewing rights. When my girls are with their dad, I don’t have to worry about mediating sisterly feuds, or waking up a couple times a night to re-tuck them into bed.

Life is easier when I’m solo, but then I always find myself teetering on the precipice where my aloneness falls into loneliness. I laugh at the one funny line in the documentary and glance next to me, wishing to see another smile reflecting back, or I eat a new food creation which surprises my taste buds, and there is no one there to give a validating bite of approval. I wake at 2 a.m. ready to jump out of bed to pull the tie dyed embroidered blanket over my daughter, only to realize she is not home this evening.

There is an absence, a tugging sadness and a longing to be acknowledged, to acknowledge, to be needed, to need, to be wanted and to want. These feelings are a reminder—I am here for more than just me. In these moments, I recognize I love being alone, but I love being with people more—together.

The relationships in my life revive my consciousness. I feel more, I listen more—I awaken. This realization is the force that gets me out of my solitary bathtub.

We all need relationships in our lives. They remind us to love, as we experience the pains and struggles of life. The connection of love is our proof we are alive; we are here.

Relationships are the ultimate pinch to the skin of life.

When we are born, our first relationship welcomes us into the world, “I’m so happy you are here.”

We now exist.

We need a witness to our lives—another we can turn to, who nods his or her head as the star shoots across the sky and agrees, “I saw that too.”

We exist.

As we take our last breath, someone is there to hold our hand and reminds us, “I will miss you.”

We existed.

We are on this earth to be witnesses, to be witnessed and to say to one another, “I’m so happy you are here. I saw that too. I will miss you.”

~ Rebecca Lammersen



Rebecca Lammersen is the founder of Yogalution, a donation based yoga studio in Scottsdale, AZ. I love being alive. I love being a mother. I love teaching yoga. I love to write. I love to know. I love to not know. I love to learn. I love to listen. I love to read. I love to travel. I love to dance. I love to help. I love to serve. That pretty much sums me up. Subscribe to Rebecca's feed and never miss a post!

What do I do when strength does not overcome need...

...when wisdom and zen do not supercede the overwhelming fact of life that no matter how zen I am, no matter how I simplify and uncomplicate my life, no matter how much I meditate, that no matter how I define myself - that once in a great while - I am going to fuck it up...say the wrong thing...let the wrong thing I am saying snowball till I feel like an insane person and ultimately un-zen myself for a little while because I may be concentrating too much on being that image of the enlightened-wishful-being that I have truly felt like for days, weeks, months, even a few years on end. 

This is what I struggle with.  Amongst so many other things.... when do I take care of myself?  When do I not only realize in blog-paper format that I am worthy of something as beautiful as the beauty and wonder of the world and love I believe in, but when do I give myself permission to feel...to let go...to express...to shout if I need to...to at least say - goddammit, I am angry and it might be nice if I were able to share that in some way that may at the very least be cathartic and at the best, be healing and give me some sort of ability to move forward. To grow. To share. To help others grow.

Yet. I. Don't. 

Instead....I falter.  I hesitate.  I bury.  I avoid.  I project.  I run.  I smile on the dopamine high from having my soul lifted for a few sweet moments and then I say anything and everything to avoid saying what I really need to say. 

I wish.
I hope.

I save my unreasonably heartbreaking tears for when I get home and can beat myself up until I can't stand up anymore.   Every. Day.

Why?  Why do I do this? Because I don't think I'm worthy?  Because I don't think anyone will understand? Because I don't think anyone will care? Because I don't know how to do it differently? Because I want to be the shining, zen-like example that makes me worthy of the pedestal that you have placed me on? 

Well....I am human.  Fallible.  Mistake-prone.  Surprised when my defenses go up and I act like the very enemy that I know I can be, but that does not exist deep in my soul or my heart. I fuck up.  And then, I self hate.  And then....well then I am either fucked for a while or I find a way to dig out and rise above.  It is anyone's guess which way it will go each time. 

Admittedly, I usually do find a way to dig out and learn and rise and find some glorious lesson in it all, but jesus...sometimes I am honestly just fucking sick of the lessons and I just want to BE...and I just want to love, and be loved. To understand and be understood.  To get and to be gotten.  I just want everything to be ok.

I know I am not alone and we all do this...fight or flight...even if there is no actual threat...the only thing that is required is the perception that the danger exists.  Yet, sometimes it is very real.  And that is where I am at this moment.  In a very real...fight or flight...wish to god someone gave a green goddam...trying my best not to be a tool and re-center and ground myself back into the understanding that we are all love...we are all connected...we are all stardust...and in the big scheme of things, we don't really matter - and THAT is what makes us matter so much.  Our life. Fleeting and over so quickly.  Our love.  So deeply and profoundly felt and experienced.  Our joy. Our pain.  Our peace.  Our chaos. Pain, sorrow, laughter, anger, jealousies, stupidities, regrets, can't take backs, wish I hadn't's and soul altering moments of total understanding and bliss. Yeah, I want more of that.  Doesn't really seem like what our heroine in this tale is destined for, does it?  Yeah, I just referred to myself as the heroine. I am.  So are you.  Or the hero.  Of your own life. 

So, this must be that really shitty, low, rock bottom, end of my senses point that makes way for the turning point that will usher in some new, raw and earthshakingly beautiful and revealing new experience....right? Cool.  I figured as much, so I will just be patient and wait it out. (fingers crossed till they bleed...)

While I wait, I will remember gratitude and how very much of a "lucky somebody" I am and will walk around with an open heart and practice my yoga and up my meditation game and make peace wtih my struggles - A G A I N....and trust and really, just know that in the end it will all be ok.  Because it will. 

But sometimes...I really wish I could summon the courage, seize the opportunity, ask for or be granted the time to share what my soul wants to share, sometimes.  And needs to.  And to just DO it, because I should, and I can, and what I have to say matters and that I am worthy of my needed expression regardless of whether it is convenient.

So, I suppose the struggle continues.  Yep.  It does.

I'm learning. Growing. Wishing. Loving. Loving. Learning. and still Loving. Trying to tame the wishes and move into acceptance.  Surrender.  Flow - going-withness.  Yeah...that. 

Well, wish me luck...I think I could use it. 

Wanna help us build an orphanage in India? Here's how...

A curious thing happens when the collective energies of yoga, love and service come together. What starts as a means of doing something good for the body, leads to making peace with the mind and the ego which in turn causes the spirit to blossom and grow.  This is where the magic happens and this is where a magical journey has started that we'd like to invite you to be a part of. 

For a little over a year, a group of souls has been coming together to practice yoga in a beautiful park in Abu Dhabi on Wednesday nights.  The classes are free, but attending yogis are invited to share donations in any amount they can afford to benefit children in orphanages in India.  When the classes and charity yoga began, we had never met the children in these balasramams in that small village in Kerala, God's Own Country, as the people there call it. That all changed in December of 2012, when 9 women from the charity yoga class flew to India to personally deliver clothes, toys, and the collected money to these 3 very special orphanages.
Two were homes for boys and one for girls. 

It's the story of the girl's orphanage that we want to share with you and invite you to help us literally change their lives.  When we arrived, we were surprised to learn that adoptions are not allowed from these  orphanages and to see that the children were in very good health.  We all had images of Oliver Twist in our heads which thankfully was not correct. I wish I could replay the experience for you on a movie screen, but words will have to do.  And pictures. 

We were treated as honored guests in their home as they served us cookies and coconut water while each girl introduced herself by name and what year of school she was attending.  They ranged from around 6 years old to 20. They sang lovely songs to us and danced and played games with us for hours as they melted our hearts with their beautiful smiles and eagerness to interact and share. We were beyond thrilled when the oldest girl, Vidja, helped teach a short yoga class just before we had to go.  She was amazing and looks after the girls with a mother's love and apparently leads them in yoga every day. 

I'm not even sure they knew we were there for any reason except to spend time with them and that was enough and brought joy to their faces.  When we gave them a substantial sum of money at the end, around 50,000 rupees, they were astonished and beyond grateful.  I think they felt like they needed to give us something as well, and couldn't realize that they had given us more than we could ever give them.  Before we left, one of the young volunteers from the town and a few of the elders drove with us out to the site of a new orphanage/home they are building. Or were building. Someone had donated funds to build the new facillity to replace the temporary rental home they live in now. But they had run out of money and couldn't complete what would eventually be a two story home with room for all of them and the capacity to take in more girls in need. 

It was at this moment that all 9 of us who had made the journey realized that WE could help them finish building this orphanage and literally change their lives and the lives of many others in the future by giving them a home of their own where they would continue to be cared for and nourished by the wonderful people who look after them, cook for them and make sure they have school, rest, exercise and spiritual time each day.

So, our mission continues - with our Wednesday night charity yoga in the park and an anticipated visit there again this December.  We want to see them again to be sure they know someone cares and to raise more money to finish building their home. The generous souls who attend the Abu Dhabi yoga events are amazing, but can only do so much.  This is where we invite you to help us make a real difference in the lives of these beautiful young girls.  We've taken to calling them Kerala Sweethearts.  And they really are.

It's as easy as clicking a PayPal button and donating direct to the fund.  If you don't have a PayPal account, it's secure and simple to set up. We encourage you to give $5, $50, $500 whatever amount you wish and to share the site with as many people as you know.  Please share it with your own yoga communities, your churches, your schools, your office mates, families, friends, neighbors.  And if you'd like to come with us to deliver the money and see the amazing joy and beauty of these girls yourselves, you are invited and we will get you the details when it's time. 

As we drove away on that sunny day in December, our hearts were full and our eyes heavy with tears.  Seeing those girls waving goodbye, we felt like we were leaving our own children behind.  And we were.  Because we are all connected.  We are all love.  We are all one.  And Kerala's orphans are our children.  The realization that we can genuinely and tangibly change their lives for the better is overwhelming and we are committed to making it happen.  Please join us in love and gratitude and with the power of the positive energy that can give these 20 Kerala sweethearts a home of their own.  And a home for future sweethearts to call their own.

Namaste~




Link for PayPal donations to help build a new home for the Kerala Sweethearts.
http://www.anaadiyoga.com/apps/donations/


Give if you can.  Share when you can.  Love where you can.  Infinite gratitude~

Dig THIS...#Andrea Gibson

 

I'm with Andrea on this one...it's the only way I know and while it isn't always easy, it is always interesting and is constantly amazing.
 

I’m never gonna wait

that extra twenty minutes

to text you back,

and I’m never gonna play

hard to get

when I know your life

has been hard enough already.

When we all know everyone’s life

has been hard enough already

it’s hard to watch

the game we make of love,

like everyone’s playing checkers

with their scars,

saying checkmate

whenever they get out

without a broken heart.

Just to be clear

I don’t want to get out

without a broken heart.

I intend to leave this life

so shattered

there’s gonna have to be

a thousand separate heavens

for all of my flying parts.

 

-Andrea Gibson

(poet, activist, and apparently one kick-ass, passionate believer in love and life)

 

Live. Just live.

Fear vs Love. Choose love.