The truth is, of course they WERE just right...and of course they WERE worthy....but they were NOT for ME. And I was not for them. And the lesson there is that this is perfectly OK. Good, even. They WERE teachers, even when I wasn't paying attention to the lessons.
In the course of my lifetime, as I have often mentioned, I have been INCREDIBLY lucky. I've known some amazing people...loved some wonderful and not so wonderful people...been loved...hated ..treated indifferently, and have come to know the difference...and to know that love is not always enough or is quite simply not actually love...rather it's a hope we assign to a relationship that cannot really ever manifest because it does not actually exist to begin with. Even if we spend years pretending that it does.
My mother/friend/Kate says it all comes down to hormones or chemistry or something like that. I think there is wisdom in that. And I think that is true for many relationships. I think it has been true for most of mine. I also think/believe/know that once in a great while...something remarkable can happen between two people that transcends the superficial and the chemical and is truly remarkable and life changing. Rare. Something that moves towards you/we/me/us/ whoever....with gravity and momentum or inertia and what almost seems like purpose...and it either sneaks up on you or smacks you upside the head or both and says, "HEY!!!! What the fuck are you waiting for?? I am right here and I have been all this time. Let's do this thing baby, because we ARE love."
And then, you may, (or I may) true to your/my normal fashion, say "who the HELL are you? Go away" or "no thanks! We're all full up of crazy here"....OR.....ORRRRR, you may simply respond as if responding to your oldest and most trusted friend, say "hey, yeah, whatever you're talking about sounds great to me. Not sure why...it just does...suggest away. I'm down."
Seem kind of easy and mild mannered for you? Yeah? Well, my friends, I have discovered at the tender age of 43 and now 44 that THAT is what love is.
It sneaks up on you, says "hey sugar...whatcha doin'? wanna go skiing or maybe to a rally or maybe catch the next shuttle to the moon?" and you say,"hey yeah, that sounds amazing"...I don't know why and I can't explain it - but yes. Let's do it. Hey, let's even do something sooner"...
...and next thing you know, this person who has been your "I've only met you a few times in person and always wondered about you who lives in a different city/state/country" friend is transformed overnight into your greatest and most amazing love. Instantly. Without discussion or negotiation. Just. Love. The one who makes all the songs make sense. The one with whom everything is natural and good and effortless and endlessly interesting and attractive and alluring and so many other things. The one who makes having coffee and eggs sound like the erotic adventure of a lifetime.
The one your skeptical little heart now believes it was born for.
You see, friends...love really ISN'T hard. It isn't elusive. It isn't about work and effort and endless misunderstandings and pain and make-ups and trying to be "more than's" or reinventing yourself to please someone else. Or contorting your soul to try to be acceptable. It isn't sticky (except in a good way), it isn't mean, it isn't something you have to prove. Love. Just. Is.
Before anyone takes issue and wants to tell me it is hard, and you do have to work at it - yes, yes, yes...we do have to work at relationships and there will be misunderstandings and hurts and times to explain, etc...but I'm talking about LOVE itself. Not the relationship. And I firmly believe and have always believed that with a love that allows you to be free to be yourself and to grow without judgment or the need to try to make another bend to your will...well that is a love that will last and will turn your life upside down in the best possible way and is the kind of love I want.
As one of my favorite spiritual leader/philosophers puts it, "You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free"....Thich Nhat Hanh.
Yes. Exactly.
This particular brand of love doesn't have room for jealousies or worries and fears. Infidelity is not a factor. Dishonesty is not an option. Because first and foremost - there is the recognition that noone is owned by you and you aren't owned by anyone unless you give them that permission. And conversely, two people loving each other completely and freely who give each other space to be, and to live and to grow don't have time to consider going anywhere else for affection or comfort. Or to lie. It ceases to be a consideration. And if it seems I am kidding myself? So be it. This is the truth and freedom I live in and quite frankly, I dig it on the soul level, ya'll.
So the lesson in all this is manyfold. Is manyfold a word? It works in this context I believe. I've learned in a lifetime of teaching myself how to love myself because the wolves didn't know how to teach me (and I forgive them for that...they did all that they knew how to do.) - that once I returned to myself, and allowed myself to just ride the tide of the universal river of experience and to embrace whatever comes my way and learn from it...to still love myself even when I made mistakes...to forgive myself...to take each experience for what it was and to remain open myself to adventure to experience to life to the world and to love - then love walked right in and said "honey, I'm home" and it was like love had been there all along. Because, in fact, it had.
"So, this IS what love feels like."
Peace. Magic. Belonging. Giving. Expanding....like the universe. Love. Welcome home.
