So the journey of this single 43 year old woman continues as does my education. I'm so curious about people and the way they work, tick, exist, interact, fight, defend themselves and generally make impassioned cases for why they are justified in either mistreating others or defending their own victimization or wearing their negative life experiences like a badge of accomplishment on their exposed pain psyches. Hey, you! I can see your undercarriage....either fix it or hide it, but don't use it as a weapon!
Equally interesting, and sometimes dismaying to me is how I react (or don't react) in different exposure situations. As evolved as I'd like to think (or hope) that I have become, there are situations and emotional energies of other people that serve to show me that I am in fact, not evolved at all. Just superior in my thinking or opinion of myself perhaps? That's not really what I have been shooting for...
But on a grander scale, it has taught and is teaching me that a significantly important component of knowing oneself and evolving is knowing your own boundaries...knowing your emotional triggers and what energies are positive and forward propelling for you and which energies or situations are de-evolutionary and kind of smack you back into a place of emotional chaos or unrest. Of course, the whole point of working towards some sort of evolution is to be able to be surrounded by negativity and debilitating energy and still remaining calm, happy and at peace. Right? Yeah....not so much...at least not from my experience.
But, that's what all the Masters say. Maybe for me it is more about choosing to be around people who have positive energies. Or at least people with open and searching energies instead of those with hostilities and bad juju that they have no idea they are exuding. Seriously, I have encountered and spent copious amounts of time with some folks, who are otherwise incredibly wonderful people...who are so oblivious to their own addiction to their pasts and who feel so much like the world is out to get them that it is impossible for them to let go of their pain and just "be" and let others be and as a result, see how amazing life really is and how beautiful other people can be. And their modus operandi? Picking fights, intolerance, barraging the other person (in this case, me) and an odd tendency to "lay down the rules for being with them" (who the "f" needs THAT?) ...pardon the language kiddies... You gotta be you, I gotta be me and I am totally of the live and let live philosophy.... Some seem to think that means I will lay down and allow myself to be walked over. Not the case. Whatever happened to plain old fashioned let's just get to know each other and see if we like each other? Ahhh, old fashionedness seems like such a fairy tale, sometimes, doesn't it? It isn't...it is just my experience of late - which means......(drum roll please!!!!) - that as the laws of the universe and karma and averages and such go, then I am due for something stupendous. Excellent! I welcome it and look forward to it when it arrives. Bienvenido amor~ I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Come and sit on my porch, watch the fireflies and chat with me. We'll have some iced tea or some wine or perhaps another beverage of our choice...
That doesn't seem to be what dating at 43 is like. It is more like very selectively choosing seemingly lovely people to spend time with - finding them lovely, having great chemistry with and then sort of watching them unravel or unleash all the pent up hostilities they hold for their exes or their mother or women in general. Do you know what I can report about that? I don't like it. No, sir - not at all.
Listen, I know my own shortcomings. I know my faults. I know my issues and yes, I know my triggers. Mostly, I can get along with anyone in any situation almost regardless of what they think, believe, say or profess to be about as long as they don't step on the toes of my "just being me" and don't script me and don't give me a set of rules to live by.
If I look at you while we are speaking and say to you directly "You know, I think your ideas suck and you're a douche bag and you're inherently evil", then I expect you to be offended by that. If however, I am simply having a conversation with you, need clarification, don't necessarily understand what you are saying and ask a question first, so that I can process... or just add something else to the convo because that is what conversations are....then I not only don't understand a hostile reaction or argument, I genuinely get thrown off balance and am then thrown into a place where I am thinking too much about my next words or am in sheer reactionary mode which is dangerous for me and frankly, also for you, if you are in the mix and provocatively aggressive and accusatory. So, yes...these are likely where my issues come in to play...and why I guess it is best for me to gravitate towards those of similar temperaments and energies.
But I crave growth. I long for it...dream about it....maybe am a little addicted to it....And I want to learn not only about myself, but about others. Moreover, I want to somehow be able to help others in their evolution while helping myself.
Of course, that particular brand of growth comes from pushing your own boundaries and putting yourself into situations that will throw you off balance and test your mettle, so to speak - which in and of itself is going to be unpredictable by nature.
I VERY recently pushed my boundaries in just this way and much to my personal dismay, found myself wanting. Or lacking...or not yet up to the evolutionary task, so to speak. By the way...just because you did a lot of research on my zodiac sign and then compared it to your zodiac sign...studied it, found it fascinating etc....does not mean that what you read is indicative of who I am, how I will react, what my motives are, or where I am coming from. I will admit, there are a lot of interesting things in astrology, some of them spooky even - but, really....GROW up.
Pity...the chemistry was phenomenal...but the continuation of the friendship isn't to be. I did make discoveries (positive and not so delightful) on this recent journey. I did see some amazing things. I experienced some extraordinary things and I realized just what I am willing to give and what I am willing to accept.
I discovered I'm willing to give everything, except my soul and self-respect. And I've learned that anyone really interested in being with me is only interested in getting to know my soul, not in squashing, conquering or taming it. In short, it was a lesson I needed reminding of after being out of practice for a long time.
I have learned when to say when...and hopefully that will suffice for an evolutionary notch or two on the tree of my life. For now, it will have to do and as I continue to learn and grow, I'll get it right sometime. Till then, I'm letting the universe know I get it and thanking it for the reminder and namaste'ing my way to a more peaceful and reciprocal intersection of the minds with my fellow man.
Ma'salaama, my friends. Namaste.
Soul spelunker...life coach in training...a woman in love with the whole wide world .
