...and neither can I. I had an epiphany yesterday on my walk home from a wonderful afternoon spent with my friend, Neli. We had just shared a raw, vegan and unbelievably creative and delicious lunch and even better conversation that I was reluctant to leave.
As can happen when you are spending time with people who happen to be deeper than the average bear, like yourself - questions come up and inevitably with me, it is always revealed that I am 44...no kids...and thrice married. Everyone has different reactions to that knowledge...and Neli's was simply "what....could you not have sex without being married?". HA! and No. Would that this were the case, but no. That was never a prerequisite and shall never be.
But as I was walking home, I continued thinking - so why DID I marry three times? Most people after one failed marriage shy away from the next....or certainly after two, they throw in the towel. (aside from our Hollywood types...) So......why did I choose to willingly enter a marriage on three different occasions? Masochist? No. Eternal optimist? No. Deluded shapeshifter? Getting warmer....
This whole thought process reveals several distinct truths for me. One, I had no idea what marriage was or was supposed to be. Two, I came from that broken place I have written about in the past and need not reiterate here - but because of that, I wanted desperately to build my own family to make up for what I never had....and I thought that getting married would somehow make me whole. Normal. Like everybody else. Functional. And that it would of course, bring me ultimate happiness. Ohhhh boy.... you can see where this might be going, eh?
So back to the epiphany I had yesterday...First, duh - I'm not normal. Thank the universe!! And great jumping jelly beans - I am already whole!!! The trick was in just having to figure that out for myself. Only took about 44 years and some change...maybe a little less, but I am still in need of reminders at this point. My most recent foray in to relationship bliss reminded me of that as well.
So, the cool thing about this humbling yet empowering revelation is that I can let go of the self-defeating stigma I have been giving myself from "failing" at these marriages and can recognize that significant growth has occurred and each of these changing of name experiences has served to bring me to the very confident (finally) and peaceful state of mind and being that tells me that I am ready for what is next. Whatever, and whoever and wherever that may be.
There will be no shapeshifting to fit into someone else's life and I certainly don't want anyone shapeshifting to fit into mine. When it happens, he will dig me for me with all my faults and idiosyncrasies...he will teach me things and learn from me. We'll allow each other to be our best versions of ourselves and challenge each other. I may be 50...even 60 when I meet him, (or realize I already know him) but I look forward to it. I feel a peaceful and comfortable smile shining from within.
With him (whoever he is) or without him, I am whole. I am happy. I am me. I am completely and utterly in love with the world.
And if anyone reading has any doubts of any kind whatosoever....You Are Whole Too. Don't be afraid to believe it. To defend it. To share it. And to let it comfort you whenever you feel a little lost. We must, MUST love ourselves first and entirely and unconditionally before we can give that sort of love to another. It isn't selfish. It is healing. It is how we can be our best for those that we love....by loving ourselves first.
Love and light to all~
