What do I do when strength does not overcome need...

...when wisdom and zen do not supercede the overwhelming fact of life that no matter how zen I am, no matter how I simplify and uncomplicate my life, no matter how much I meditate, that no matter how I define myself - that once in a great while - I am going to fuck it up...say the wrong thing...let the wrong thing I am saying snowball till I feel like an insane person and ultimately un-zen myself for a little while because I may be concentrating too much on being that image of the enlightened-wishful-being that I have truly felt like for days, weeks, months, even a few years on end. 

This is what I struggle with.  Amongst so many other things.... when do I take care of myself?  When do I not only realize in blog-paper format that I am worthy of something as beautiful as the beauty and wonder of the world and love I believe in, but when do I give myself permission to feel...to let go...to express...to shout if I need to...to at least say - goddammit, I am angry and it might be nice if I were able to share that in some way that may at the very least be cathartic and at the best, be healing and give me some sort of ability to move forward. To grow. To share. To help others grow.

Yet. I. Don't. 

Instead....I falter.  I hesitate.  I bury.  I avoid.  I project.  I run.  I smile on the dopamine high from having my soul lifted for a few sweet moments and then I say anything and everything to avoid saying what I really need to say. 

I wish.
I hope.

I save my unreasonably heartbreaking tears for when I get home and can beat myself up until I can't stand up anymore.   Every. Day.

Why?  Why do I do this? Because I don't think I'm worthy?  Because I don't think anyone will understand? Because I don't think anyone will care? Because I don't know how to do it differently? Because I want to be the shining, zen-like example that makes me worthy of the pedestal that you have placed me on? 

Well....I am human.  Fallible.  Mistake-prone.  Surprised when my defenses go up and I act like the very enemy that I know I can be, but that does not exist deep in my soul or my heart. I fuck up.  And then, I self hate.  And then....well then I am either fucked for a while or I find a way to dig out and rise above.  It is anyone's guess which way it will go each time. 

Admittedly, I usually do find a way to dig out and learn and rise and find some glorious lesson in it all, but jesus...sometimes I am honestly just fucking sick of the lessons and I just want to BE...and I just want to love, and be loved. To understand and be understood.  To get and to be gotten.  I just want everything to be ok.

I know I am not alone and we all do this...fight or flight...even if there is no actual threat...the only thing that is required is the perception that the danger exists.  Yet, sometimes it is very real.  And that is where I am at this moment.  In a very real...fight or flight...wish to god someone gave a green goddam...trying my best not to be a tool and re-center and ground myself back into the understanding that we are all love...we are all connected...we are all stardust...and in the big scheme of things, we don't really matter - and THAT is what makes us matter so much.  Our life. Fleeting and over so quickly.  Our love.  So deeply and profoundly felt and experienced.  Our joy. Our pain.  Our peace.  Our chaos. Pain, sorrow, laughter, anger, jealousies, stupidities, regrets, can't take backs, wish I hadn't's and soul altering moments of total understanding and bliss. Yeah, I want more of that.  Doesn't really seem like what our heroine in this tale is destined for, does it?  Yeah, I just referred to myself as the heroine. I am.  So are you.  Or the hero.  Of your own life. 

So, this must be that really shitty, low, rock bottom, end of my senses point that makes way for the turning point that will usher in some new, raw and earthshakingly beautiful and revealing new experience....right? Cool.  I figured as much, so I will just be patient and wait it out. (fingers crossed till they bleed...)

While I wait, I will remember gratitude and how very much of a "lucky somebody" I am and will walk around with an open heart and practice my yoga and up my meditation game and make peace wtih my struggles - A G A I N....and trust and really, just know that in the end it will all be ok.  Because it will. 

But sometimes...I really wish I could summon the courage, seize the opportunity, ask for or be granted the time to share what my soul wants to share, sometimes.  And needs to.  And to just DO it, because I should, and I can, and what I have to say matters and that I am worthy of my needed expression regardless of whether it is convenient.

So, I suppose the struggle continues.  Yep.  It does.

I'm learning. Growing. Wishing. Loving. Loving. Learning. and still Loving. Trying to tame the wishes and move into acceptance.  Surrender.  Flow - going-withness.  Yeah...that. 

Well, wish me luck...I think I could use it.