(Class is at 5PM Pacific time...which is 4AM Abu Dhabi time thanks to Daylight savings...which means I get up at 3AM to make coffee so that I am coherent enough to be present in class by 4AM...in case you were wildly curious about that.)
We have been going through a series of "Coach the Coach" practicums for the past 4 weeks and it never ceases to unsettle me, "a ha-moment" me, make me feel more connected and alternately disconnected from the world at the same time. There is always something someone else is going through that resonates with me so personally and so deeply, that even if I am not the one speaking, I always walk away feeling cleansed and as if I have been coached....and also feeling like I still have a hellofa lot of work to do. "miles to go before I sleep"...Remember that poem? Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening? Robert Frost?
" the woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep."I seem to vaguely remember a movie with Charles Bronson where this character kept making phone calls and repeating this line and it was sort of scary, suspenseful, thrillerey....Does anyone else remember that movie? Hang on, I gotta Google it now....be right back...
(while you wait for me to come back, think of a happy song or a warm sunny day or a beautiful memory where it felt like falling in love or something...if you get so caught up you decide not to wait for me, SMILE, I will completely understand...)
Ohhhhhh, now I remember (post Google search)...the movie was called "Telefon". 1977. I was 10 years old. And I loved Charles Bronson movies. So, in a nutshell the movie has Bronson as a Russian Intelligence officer (because in those days, Russia was THE big evil that we were all taught to fear...). He is given a mission to kill 51 deepcover Russian agents living in the US. They are all programmed to respond to posthypnotic suggestion...Bronson is the good guy against Donald Pleasance's bad guy operative who calls these Russian operatives, says their Russian name, repeats the Robert Frost line above, which posthypnotically compels them to go blow up some critical American communications or military facility. So Bronson is supposed to kill them before they can receive the activating phone call that will send them into KGB vs US explosion-land. Lee Remick also plays a Russian agent who is assigned to kill Bronson after assisting him in killing all the others, but of course - she falls for him. No spy movie would be complete without a little love story. So, not a great movie...but not a bad one either. Good actors. Spy thriller type thing. How did I get on this tangent, you ask? For whatever reason, whenever I think of the Frost poem, because of that movie, I hear Donald Pleasance' voice repeating the words...then I get an eerie feeling and then I don't remember if I like the poem or if I am afraid of it. Conditioning. That's how our brains work- for better or worse...through associations. That is my association. The movie and the lines haunt me in much the same way Marathon Man does...you know that scene? The dentist torture scene? Dustin Hoffman, being tortured by the ex Nazi who kept asking "Is it safe?". He wants to know if he will be robbed when he retrieves some diamonds he has stashed in a safe deposit box. For some reason, this movie is actually what got me interested in running.Welcome to MY tangent-laden mind.
Anyway, I am pretty sure I didn't come here today to talk to you about Charles Bronson or Robert Frost, dental torture or what inspired me to start running...you may be astonished to know that I also did not come here to talk to you about love. Hoo-freaking-ray!!! Seriously, it gets so tedious sometimes, I get on my own nerves, so I share your pain and your eye rolls... (but thanks for continuing to read anyway. I'll do my best not to make it a train wreck or Nascar pile up, even if that's what you came for.)
Ready? OK.
So, as I was saying...I was in life coach class today and several people brought up the fear and self doubt and "am I good enough" type self limiting thoughts and beliefs around why they want to be a life coach. Or why they are in a life coach class when they aren't so sure they are going to be any good at it and are now therefore questioning the substantial tuition investment in the course. And THIS all resonated with me so deeply that I could feel my body actually humming. (We talk about limiting beliefs, and not being afraid to suck, and recognizing that all the negative shit we tell ourselves all the time are just stories and that we can choose to tell ourselves a different story...we also talk about how emotions and every day tasks show themselves in our bodies...you know, the gut feeling you get about a decision you need to make...or the ache in your heart when something painful happens...that choking feeling you get when you want to speak but can't, butterflies when you're scared, butterflies when you're in love...nausea when you're nervous...etc.)
The thing I didn't necessarily realize about life coach training, or maybe I did realize it, but I was thinking of it in a romantic-"Oh finally, I'm going to save the world!" excited and unfathomably naive kind of way before I started digging in...is that there is a lot, (and I mean A MOUNTAINOUS LOT) of self work and personal excavation and soul spelunking that will occur as a natural by product of going through the class. This, in and of itself makes the entire class and investment worthwhile - even if I don't make life coaching a new vocation some day. It also means that during this process, said spelunking also causes regressions to old behaviors and insecurities and the old habitual self-sabotage that is just really going to need some addressing. (I'll get there...)
But, just because it's worthwhile...and just because it is amazing...and just because it is positively life changing...mind altering...chakra opening...heart depthening (is depthening a word? It seems appropriate here) and makes sense to me on levels I didn't know existed...does most assuredly not mean that it is easy. Or even fun. (though, to be fair, some of it IS fun...or at least the end results will be).
And I'm here to tell you, it has not been and is not easy for me. But that is good. That means I'm growing...my soul is stretching...I'm being forced to face shit I haven't bothered to face yet and am finding shit to face that I had long ago forgotten existed. And at the end of it all, maybe my experiences and perspectives in life and healing and my unswerving belief in loving myself and my neverending message to you to love yourself....maybe all of this will help someone. Somewhere. Somehow. Maybe more than one someone. Right???
So, the question again - why do I want to life coach? Why did I sign up for this course? Who the hell do I think I am trying to become a healer? Why did the entire concept of life coaching speak to me so deeply when I first heard of it a decade ago that I felt as if it was an old friend tapping me on the shoulder to give me a shy hello, and then wrapping great big bear arms of welcome around me to tell me I'm home? Why? Why indeed. I suppose that is a partially rhetorical why with many unsaids and undefinables and yet to be definables.
But mostly - really, as sappy or airy fairy, touchy feely, new agey or whatever as it may sound....it is because for as long as I remember, and I can remember a long way back....I see people's pain. Not only do I see it, but I FEEL it. It is usually the first thing I notice in another human being. Not because I like it or I want to see them in pain...but because I have lived a life of deep intimacy with pain and I know it so well that I feel like there just simply has to be a way that I can help them through it. Around it. Over it. To the other side of it into that beautiful land of acceptance and surrender and peace and love. Roll your eyes if you want to. Shake your head. Tell me I'm crazy and that I am living in a fantasy world. You and my Lizard, Jan Brady can say this all you want, but I believe in the core of my being that if I have a purpose in life - - - it is to help people in some way and the best way I know how is to use what I know. And what I know, is Pain.
Rock bottom, soul wrenching, hopeless, despairing, unending pain that makes you want to either live under a rock or throw yourself off a mountain of rocks. And, while it is a journey I expect to be on for the rest of my life - I also know (or am learning) how to crawl out from under that rock...and how to strap on a hang-glider before jumping off that mountain. I know fear. I know its power to paralyze. I know self punishment and self loathing stories that would make anyone want to cower in a cave forever. And I know those things are lies. Lies I told myself. Lies I may have been conditioned as a kid to believe. Lies I have used as an excuse not to be better, do better, feel better. Still, they are just lies.
I know too well how much easier it is to stay in a painful or uncomfortable place because it is familiar and I "know how to deal with that." But I also know the power of facing my demons, making friends with them instead of fighting them...inviting them to tea and then realizing they are just these old, tattered and sweet stuffed animals that really can't hurt me if I rename them and see them through the eyes of love instead of my fear goggles. When I look at things, situations, people, anything - with love and light...I feel love and light. And I see them as love and light. When I look at them as monsters - they become things to fight or run from...things to fear...things to give me a reason to allow myself to keep telling myself I am powerless and I am a victim and "if only I could...", "if only he would...", "if only it was..." (insert wishful life bettering situation here) then everything would be ok. Fuck that. I'll take, love, please. With a double side order of peace and joy. If my demons haven't killed me by now, it's a sure bet they aren't going to. Yes, I will die someday, but not that way. Not in despair. Not this soul spelunking warrior!
I know that heaven and hell exist right here on Earth. And that you (and I) can access either one any time. And we can choose which one to live in. I've done my stint in hell, thanks. Today? Now? From here on out? You've heard me say it before...I am completely in love with the whole wide world and find more reasons to deepen that connection every second. The gratitude is overwhelming. And it is cleansing. And healing. And we are all connected...you, me, the guy down the street, the lady on the corner, the baby being born right now, the old man who just died, every flower, every animal, every single thing - C O N N E C T E D. And because I know this is true...my passion is to help others find it to be true, too.
So, maybe I am crazy and living in a fantasy world...but this crazy-fantasy-driven woman is on a mission to share my crazy, fantasy world with you. Why? Because it's lovely here. Come sit on my porch (couch), put your feet up, take a deep breath, and rest. It's time. You are safe here.
No comments:
Post a Comment