Not even remotely where I imagined I would be when I got to this age. As a kid, I thought 45 was ancient and near death (now I plan to live till I'm 100, at least). I imagined I would have 2 kids, an incredible career as a doctor or a journalist (because those two are so closely related...insert ironic remark here), a wonderful loving husband...though I had no idea what that would actually look like. My high school boyfriend, I supposed....luckily that didn't work out.
In fact, none of it did.
No kids of my own...(though I had the honor and joy of having two teenage boys in my life for a bit in my role as their stepmom.)
I certainly did not become a doctor, (I think my plan was to cure cancer)...but I am working my way towards being a healer of some kind. (at least that is what I hope I am doing and becoming.)
...and I've no husband, though I've given that a go more than once.
But, really, though I couldn't have ever imagined the life I am living, I now couldn't imagine myself anywhere else. Well, ok - that isn't true - because I can IMAGINE myself in lots of places and often do. Africa comes to mind and keeps showing itself to me in many ways. As does Costa Rica, always....when I think of the US, I think of Virginia...and then of the Pacific Northwest, even California. Bali...oh Bali...I'm supposed to visit you in April and even have a ticket purchased, but find myself looking for other magical places, so I feel it may not yet be our time...Italy, Spain, Greece, Cyprus, Jordan, Amsterdam, Norway, Sweden...I want to swim in all of you and know you intimately. Ahhhh, ahem...I'm digressing, aren't I? Apologies for making you walk around in my fantasy whilst in the middle of a story that most certainly has a point. Or does it? Doesn't matter..what matters is the writing and expressing of it.
Or more accurately - the LIVING of it. Yes. THAT. IS. WHAT. MATTERS.
So, I'm 45...still writing about, thinking about, learning about, dreaming about, wishing for, looking for....my Love. Yes, the capital L, kind. The one true, twin flame, split apart, etc... Yes, I am aware that this is my problem, and my downfall and may well be my undoing, but it just gets sweeter every time, so I can either be at peace in the knowledge that I have known the pinnacle (and I may have and that is truly beautiful and ok) or realize that whatever is next is going to be seriously astounding-knock my socks off-rock my world-blow my mind-turn my world upside down-alter my reality AMAZING. That's what I figured out love is anyway...the real kind....all the way out here in the desert, in the heat of the Ramadan sun and by the light of the Eid stars. So, really, I'm good with that.
And I'm telling this all to my blog, because the unfortunate thing that comes with being 45 and single is the less than positive reaction from friends and family every time I mention a possible date, or any new hint of romance. They sigh, either literally or figuratively roll their eyes, some of them actually don't even reply at all as if I haven't spoken out loud because they simply do not want to talk about it. I guess they are thinking "here she goes again"..."oh boy, what's THIS one going to be like?"...."she can't seem to stay in a relationship for any real length of time, so why does she bother?"... A couple have even gone so far as to say they just worry because they question my choices because I seem to keep making such bad ones. Several seem to have determined that I will not find love, so I should just enjoy the ability to be a cougar and have lots of sexual trysts with men half my age and become some sort of femme fatale or instructress to the young. The whole thought of embodying the cougar moniker makes me sad. I have absolutely no desire to do that. In other words, ewwwww!!
...and so to that all of that and all of them, I say "Poppycock"! (sounds nicer than "Bullshit")
You see, what I love about me and my heroine's saga for life, for love...is that I never, ever give up. And that I remain open...and that each new experience is exactly that - NEW. And better. Not flavored with the past. Not jaded. Not judging. Not comparing. Because I really do learn. My relationships, whether I left them or they left me, have been paths to growth for me...for self understanding and evolution...hence for understanding of others as well. I see the life and path that I have been traveling, though admittedly very difficult at times, to be a rare and beautiful gift. I've always been able to leave the other person from the relationship in a better place than when we met. I think that is my natural modus operandi of sorts that I can help others see what holds them back, what keeps them from fully becoming who they want to be...what they are missing, what they need to make themselves happy. I used to be sort of surprised every time I realized this happened, and now I guess I am starting to see it as the gift that it truly is. So, maybe this life coaching thing really is for me, no matter how much I think I might suck at it right now. (Our Life Coach Guru, Martha Beck, and her Master Coaches all share the same mantra...which is "Don't be afraid to suck". Because that is what holds us back sometimes...and if we suck, we learn, and we pick ourselves up and start all over again, a little wiser...) Sounds like a self help guide for fledgling vampires...but it is good advice.
And today, this moment, right now...I'm remembering to be grateful. For everything. Every experience. Every lesson. Every heartbreak. Every failure. Every setback. Every seemingly insurmountable mountain. Every shattered illusion.
....and I have realized I am in love. Again. No, not with anyone new...just the only person that matters. Me. And the whole entire world. So I guess that means all of you. xo
Love reminded me that "truly being loved by another gives us permission and makes it ok to love ourselves. Fully. Allows us to see wholeness and radiance (which is there all the time). Our true nature. (Our essential selves). When we see ourselves like that, everything else becomes clearer. The fog of self doubt , insecurity and need fades away."
Further, that "love, (true love, not the lustful sort) and being loved by another is a mirror. It's a mirror that reflects the truth in us, revealing to ourselves the beauty and goodness inherent within us, perhaps for the first time. Being loved is seeing ourselves. And seeing ourselves clearly raises the curtains from our eyes, removing the filters that cause us to see the world in muted tones, that keeps the brilliant hidden. The simple, overlooked. And because we are humans with ego and needs, when love goes away, our reflection of our true selves disappears and we're plunged into darkness - (again). We lose sight of our true nature. and we yearn, we pine, we pain, we long for that mirror to return to help us see ourselves once again. Love and being loved has nothing to do with being deserving, or finding the right one. Being afraid of love has nothing to do with being heartbroken. Loss. the phrase 'you hold the keys' is wrong...you hold the mirror. We all do. "
{Above two paragraphs are borrowed words that speak to me...I take no credit, but did feel inspired to repeat. Because inspiration begs to be shared...}
That message was freeing and a true gift. When we lose love, (or tell ourselves that we have lost it, because really, love cannot be lost), we grieve and lose sight of that magic till we find something or someone to replace it with. This is not the answer. The love and those beautiful qualities are already in us. We are each our own mirror. It's a great metaphor for looking inside ourselves for our answers, our truth, our love. Or as Siddharta said "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without". I believe the same of love. Seek love within, not without. Or we can just simplify it down to "you gotta love yourself, girl, before anyone else is gonna love you."
And so, again...I'm still 45 (though it feels like I've been writing this post for years) and the mystery of how the hell I got here is inconsequential. I have managed to accomplish all that I set out to do and then some...just maybe not in the conventional ways.
Instead of 2 kids, I have as many as I want...my beautiful nieces and nephews, kids in those orphanages in India we visited in December...kids I have yet to meet...your kids, the world's kids. And as a life coach in training with a passion and drive to heal not only myself but anyone else with wounds that need tending ---that doctor thing took a bit of a different twist...and one that I think I like better. The wonderful, loving husband? Well for me, I don't think he is going to come in physical form, so we can call that a metaphor...let's call it that whole, great big wide world that I am so in love with. Or, if I do meet him, or rediscover him...he'll be in love with the whole, great big wide world too. What an adventure we shall have!
Till then....I wish enormous buckets happiness, peace, love, and light to all of you. You already have it right where you need it...inside. Share it. That's the secret to making it multiply, and world peace, and the universe, and......everything.
wonderful post! Thanks for sharing your soul..
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