why I write....the epiphany extends...

You know that feeling when you realize something that you have always known, but didn't know you knew? Or that you figured was just your "cross to bear" and you didn't know how to express it, change it, much less conceptualize it? Well, I do...

and that's where I am today. 

Sitting squarely back at the beginning, in the proverbial "ring of fire" chock full of fear butterflies, but I think a few of them might just be excitement butterflies...(the good kind).

So, how to encapsulate this in writing so that it makes sense and keep it short without telling too many stories...

hmmm...here goes -

So, I've done this struggle/dance with unworthiness all my life, right? Not good enough...not smart enough...not thin enough...not pretty enough...not nice enough...not interesting enough...not successful enough...not from the right family enough...teeth not white enough...add whatever "not enough" most resonates here and you can maybe understand where I am coming from. Or maybe you can't. Hopefully you can't.  

Because, that ridiculously negative slippery slope leads to thoughts like "I can't talk to that guy, because I'm not pretty and thin enough and besides - who would love me?"...or worse, and yes, it is worse...."oh great, someone just said they love me so I better marry them - I'll figure out if we are a match later..." (can you say, recipe for DOOM??)..or "I can't apply for this job because I'm not smart enough or experienced enough or talented enough and anyway why would they hire me?"..."I can't smile because I'm ugly..." "I can't draw because I'm not talented"... "I don't have the right clothes to go to that party...to go to that yoga class...to go on that date..."..."I can't do this because of that...." etc, etc, etc, till I wanna puke. ENOUGH!

I know, I know - you think I am all self-confidence, sunshiney, rainbow, yoga is my life and so I'm zen and happy and my world is perfect because I get to travel and I say all this positive stuff all the time....Or, you may think I am full of shit because I live outside of romantic relationship-land and off the grid outside my home country and rarely see the ones I love and am hiding from something.... Somewhere in the middle lies the truth. 

So, back to my actual point, as indicated in the post title "why I write"... It's so simple, I can't believe I hadn't properly realized it previously. 

I write because when I write - I speak my truth.  When I write, I express without fear.  Or sometimes with fear, but I overcome it. I don't hesitate. 

Yet, when I speak verbally, I seem to dwell in the land of limiting beliefs and fear.
I always hesitate. I always second guess myself.  I always fear.

I fear that noone will listen...or that what I say doesn't matter...or isn't interesting...or that I will say it wrong...or that I will be misunderstood...or that I'll say something that causes conflict and that conflict will make me lose the relationship with the person to whom I am speaking...or that I am not worthy... talk about your vicious cycles!

So.  I wanna be a life coach, eh?  A role where speaking out loud and with purpose and love and direction is required? A place where I have to deem myself worthy enough to not only listen to what you want to share with me, but to also share something in return that will hopefully help you find your answers? Yep - I do.  And I couldn't be more excited about it!! (I'm oxymoronic that way.)

Disclaimer...As a life coach in training, my intent and purpose is not to fix you...not to tell you what to do...not to tell you what is wrong with you...not to judge you...and not even to counsel you.  My hope and mission is to inspire you and to share with you some tools that I'm learning to help you heal yourself...and love yourself and for removing any of your own limiting beliefs and obstacles and maybe help you realize that the negative voice in your head, your fear, your inner lizard are all just stories you have learned to tell yourself and that you can counter those stories with brighter, more love serving stories that will then hopefully lead you to realize that you, too, are worthy...and that you do deserve to live the life that calls to you...and that loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and recognizing that we are all connected and capable of magic we have never ever dreamed of.   I think all of us think we are alone, and the truth is - we are never alone. We are love.  We are one. We are worthy. Really.  We are.

Believe me, I've cultivated a deep and personal relationship with my inner lizard, (I call her "Penelope, please" - yes, a  nod to Terence Trent D'arby) over the years and am fully aware of all her neurotic tendencies and irrational fears...and while I haven't quite reached the point where I can cuddle with her and I don't always immediately recognize when she is sitting on my shoulder fretting...I can laugh at her and play with her when I step back long enough to see that she is just worried about not being safe.  Not being loved.  Not being accepted.  Not being heard. 

Then, I can calmly exhale and assure her that she is always safe with me and always loved and accepted and heard by me and that all will always be well.  Because it will.  Sometimes, I imagine I can hear her little tiny lizard sigh and she actually sounds like those wondrous laughing geckos I am so in love with in Costa Rica, India and Thailand. Maybe that is why I am always so at peace in those countries.  Ahhhhhhhhh - sigggghhhhhh.

Quick tidy summary? Give yourself a break.  Love yourself to pieces. Embrace the magic of the other living beings around you.  Tell yourself some new and wonderful stories.  And do what makes your heart sing. Do what your truth tells you to do. Do it even if your loved ones think you can't. And remember, we are all in this together.

And as all my yoga teachers and my yoga mat remind me daily- practice, practice. All is coming.

Namaste, ya'll.