In spite of my lingering belief in the magic of Cupid, I find that I do not have the constitution for it, and as such shall refrain from such endeavors and journeys in the future. I was fortunate to finally find it and though my time on the ride was far too short, it filled me with enough wonder and magic and peace to last me this lifetime. And that peace is what I sit with now. No clinging to hope. No reaching for what if's. No demands for explanations (at least not after the first week). No bargaining. No ridiculous desires to explain away my imagined shortcomings. Just sitting with the peace of the love that was mine, that was ours, and is now just mine. (...remember, remember the 6th of November...this IS what love feels like. I'll never forget and you did change my life. )
I am SO grateful for the lesson and to finally know. Thank you, Universe and thank you my beautiful, spartan, and exceptionally deep and intellectual-science-nerd-Marine-Love. Love IS a Cosmic Phenomenon indeed.
I met my match and my love and it was perfect for us both until he withdrew and I tried to make his withdrawal about me. Or maybe it was when I took a job in another country (not forever, but still). Or when I feared he wanted to marry me (unfounded) and my subsequent remembrance of how not so good at that I am. Or when in conversation, I was working out my personal disappointment at falling off the non-judgmental wagon and maybe all he heard was the judgment. it's funny how our minds try to invent reasons to make sense of things. Best to clear the mind and not think in this case. In an alternate world, or in a more evolved time, or just different circumstances, perhaps we would have talked it over and sought solace in each others' souls - but we did not. We retreated. We withdrew. And we lost each other. And now, here we aren't.
To my friends who have been supportive of me, yet angry at him for this perceived transgression, please know that there was no wrong doing at all. I love you all and appreciate your support and your words of encouragement, and I suppose it is natural to place anger and blame on him for hurting me or for ending it. You're my friends, and you want to protect me and blame him. But know this...he didn't hurt me. He didn't wrong me. He loved me. And then he either stopped loving me or he found someone else or he decided for his own reasons that I wasn't for him or that he just couldn't be in the relationship or any other reason I will never know.
None of these reasons are wrong. None of these things are bad. They are choices. And they are his. My choice was to go "all in" to the relationship with him because that is where my heart took me. I was afraid but I took a risk. And so did he. And I am glad we did. I am a better person for knowing him. Regret tells me I wish I knew him more and that he knew me more, but regret is a choice too. Regret serves no purpose. And the anger may certainly feel justified, but in the end again - I see and feel no point in begrudging someone's choice to do what is right for them.
Some of you, my friends, have even remarked on how grown up and well adjusted I seem with this particular take on things. Please put THAT piece of admiration to rest!! I am just as fucked up as anybody else. And I WAS angry. And I DID hurt. I still do. I will for a long time. There's a place in me that was empty until we loved, and that place will remain unfilled again, but with the certain memory of its existence. I can live with that. You see, I do feel quite lucky.
I juggled severe jet lag along with this heartbreak which did not serve me well in the end and maybe compromised my judgment during this grieving process. Again, second guessing serves no purpose either. It IS all about grief, you know? Grief is grief. A person doesn't have to die for that to be so. The death of a dream of love can be as anguishing as the death of a person. And I have vascillated back and forth through all the obligatory stages until I have become numb. I jetted right through shock and denial to anger and bargaining and have landed fairly squarely on acceptance. My practice on self discovery and personal healing has very much helped me accelerate the acceptance process. I can get just as mad and frustrated and confused and discombobulated as the next person, but I tend not to dwell there. And above all, I really do have the most profound respect for the feelings and boundaries of others as well as their choices and I am at peace with the knowledge that I am only responsible for my own choices and my own feelings. I cannot and do not wish to control anyone else's feelings or life and do not want anyone compromising themselves for mine. Life is to be lived. Not put on hold.
So where am I now? I am back to where I began. Madly in love with the world. Fascinated by people and what makes them tick. Hungry for adventure and experience. Not afraid of risks. At peace with myself and grateful for the experience. I can't and I won't wallow in what might have been. I'm endlessly thankful for what was and for being a part of it. I've been in love maybe dozens of times, as anyone who knows me or who reads my schtuff knows....that naturally happens when you are open to the possibility. But now...Now I have known Love. And that, my friends is enough.
Peace, love and happiness, babies! You only get one shot at this ride called life - make it matter!
