~evolution of a heart...

So. It has been some time since I last wrote anything other than a few lines about finding love.  All true and real and more than heartfelt.  Probably for me more confusing than anything.  You see,  love has always been this idea, this fantasy, this hope, this unattainable state of being for me that I have until now simply dabbled with...imagined...thought a little about....fancied myself in a few times for usually no more reason than bordeom, expectation, hope, or discovery of a new and interesting human who seemed quite interesting to discover at the time.  And in most cases - they were indeed.  Lovely people.  Interesting people. Nice people....even had I put them on paper, perhaps I could have said "just right"...or "worthy"...or "for me".

The truth is, of course they WERE just right...and of course they WERE worthy....but they were NOT for ME.   And I was not for them.  And the lesson there is that this is perfectly OK. Good, even. They WERE teachers, even when I wasn't paying attention to the lessons.

In the course of my lifetime, as I have often mentioned, I have been INCREDIBLY lucky.  I've known some amazing people...loved some wonderful and not so wonderful people...been loved...hated ..treated indifferently, and have come to know the difference...and to know that love is not always enough or is quite simply not actually love...rather it's a hope we assign to a relationship that cannot really ever manifest because it does not actually exist to begin with.  Even if we spend years pretending that it does.

My mother/friend/Kate says it all comes down to hormones or chemistry or something like that.  I think there is wisdom in that.  And I think that is true for many relationships. I think it has been true for most of mine.  I also think/believe/know that once in a great while...something remarkable can happen between two people that transcends the superficial and the chemical and is truly remarkable and life changing.  Rare.  Something that moves towards you/we/me/us/ whoever....with gravity and momentum or inertia and what almost seems like purpose...and it either sneaks up on you or smacks you upside the head or both and says, "HEY!!!! What the fuck are you waiting for?? I am right here and I have been all this time. Let's do this thing baby, because we ARE love."

And then, you may, (or I may) true to your/my normal fashion, say "who the HELL are you? Go away" or "no thanks! We're all full up of crazy here"....OR.....ORRRRR, you may simply respond as if responding to your oldest and most trusted friend, say "hey, yeah, whatever you're talking about sounds great to me.  Not sure why...it just does...suggest away.  I'm down."

Seem kind of easy and mild mannered for you?  Yeah?  Well, my friends, I have discovered at the tender age of 43 and now 44 that THAT is what love is. 

It sneaks up on you, says "hey sugar...whatcha doin'? wanna go skiing or maybe to a rally or maybe catch the next shuttle to the moon?" and you say,"hey yeah, that sounds amazing"...I don't know why and I can't explain it - but yes.  Let's do it.  Hey, let's even do something sooner"...

...and next thing you know, this person who has been your "I've only met you a few times in person and always wondered about you who lives in a different city/state/country" friend is transformed overnight into your greatest and most amazing love.  Instantly.  Without discussion or negotiation. Just. Love.  The one who makes all the songs make sense.  The one with whom everything is natural and good and effortless and endlessly interesting and attractive and alluring and so many other things. The one who makes having coffee and eggs sound like the erotic adventure of a lifetime.

The one your skeptical little heart now believes it was born for.

You see, friends...love really ISN'T hard.  It isn't elusive.  It isn't about work and effort and endless misunderstandings and pain and make-ups and trying to be "more than's" or reinventing yourself to please someone else.  Or contorting your soul to try to be acceptable. It isn't sticky (except in a good way), it isn't mean, it isn't something you have to prove.  Love. Just. Is.

Before anyone takes issue and wants to tell me it is hard, and you do have to work at it - yes, yes, yes...we do have to work at relationships and there will be misunderstandings and hurts and times to explain, etc...but I'm talking about LOVE itself.  Not the relationship.  And I firmly believe and have always believed that with a love that allows you to be free to be yourself and to grow without judgment or the need to try to make another bend to your will...well that is a love that will last and will turn your life upside down in the best possible way and is the kind of love I want. 

As one of my favorite spiritual leader/philosophers puts it, "You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free"....Thich Nhat Hanh. 

Yes.  Exactly. 

This particular brand of love doesn't have room for jealousies or worries and fears.  Infidelity is not a factor. Dishonesty is not an option.  Because first and foremost - there is the recognition that noone is owned by you and you aren't owned by anyone unless you give them that permission.  And conversely, two people loving each other completely and freely who give each other space to be, and to live and to grow don't have time to consider going anywhere else for affection or comfort. Or to lie. It ceases to be a consideration. And if it seems I am kidding myself? So be it.  This is the truth and freedom I live in and quite frankly, I dig it on the soul level, ya'll.

So the lesson in all this is manyfold.  Is manyfold a word? It works in this context I believe.  I've learned in a lifetime of teaching myself how to love myself because the wolves didn't know how to teach me (and I forgive them for that...they did all that they knew how to do.) - that once I returned to myself, and allowed myself to just ride the tide of the universal river of experience and to embrace whatever comes my way and learn from it...to still love myself even when I made mistakes...to forgive myself...to take each experience for what it was and to remain open myself to adventure to experience to life to the world and to love - then love walked right in and said "honey, I'm home" and it was like love had been there all along.  Because, in fact, it had. 

"So, this IS what love feels like."

Peace. Magic. Belonging.  Giving. Expanding....like the universe.  Love. Welcome home.

~love begins with a metaphor...

or is it a cliche? 

Pretty trick of the universe...(a gift, actually) ...just as I made peace with the possibility that a certain part of my life was over, love walks in and says "honey, I'm home".

What can I do, but say "welcome, love.  It's beautiful to meet you at last."

...and so it goes.

looks like it's gonna be an arab spring....

so much more to follow later when I am in a position to share details ( which basically means when I have details....).  But it would seem that I am returning to the middle east and camelkarma will not need a name change after all, as many suggested  (and I never really entertained).

The basics....if anyone is actually reading....I am going to Abu Dhabi...for a three year (at least) gig.  This time it will not be with the USG...but with a university system in the UAE. 

It should be interesting ....let's see...

ma'salaamah my friends.

so it goes and goes...

thoughts on karma, crazy, and acceptance...

OK, for anyone who regularly reads my self indulgent thoughts and drivel, I have a question for you.  Do you take responsibility for your own actions?  Do you find that you have the ability to experience things as fully and openly as possible and then if they end or change, simply accept it, thank the universe for it and then move on? If you make a mistake, can you forgive yourself?  If someone else makes a mistake, can you forgive them?  Do they need to ask or beg first, or can you just give it because it is the thing that heals you?  Or do you find yourself in the mindset of blaming others...seeking revenge...seeking to hurt....misrepresenting yourself (a la "wolf in sheep's clothing") in order to gain information or again to use to inflict hurt? 

Ok, so this is more than one question, it is several questions, just work with me here....

If the former set of questions describes your approach and your outlook - KUDOS and I'm glad to know you.  You have evolved to a status of at least some enlightenment and are likely approaching life in a glass is way full kind of way and are probably generally pretty happy.  That in and of itself is your reward. Karma will be kind to you as well.  That's how this stuff works.

However, if the latter set of questions is more representative of you, then I have to say "STOP". Right now.  Not just for the people you are causing completely unnecessary pain to, but for yourself.  The negative energy and efforts you are flinging into the atmosphere are toxic and are mucking it up for the rest of us.  And for you.  You can choose the good wolf, instead of the bad,  You.  And only YOU, are responsible for what you do, say, how you react, what good or harm you put into the world.  I repeat. ONLY YOU. 

Let's say, hypothetically of course, you had a relationship that you thought was the "be all, end all" and that you were going to ride off into the sunset together and, as it turns out, this did not happen.  Anyone ever go through that? Yeah? Um, yes, of course you have.  We all have. 

So, is the right approach to this pretty common human relationship dynamic occurence that just happens to be part of life and growing and figuring out your path, to seek to malign, harm, publicly (or covertly) disembowel this person who no longer returns your affections?  Should you also then seek to find other people who may have been involved with your estranged lover and try to befriend them under the guise of let's say "sisterhood" or "brotherhood"?  And then should you point out all your commonalities as you try to build repoire and trust with this person (that you don't know, by the way) and then start chiseling away at their current relationship with your ex and play with their emotions with a conspiratorial, "Hey... this person did me wrong, and is doing you wrong, let me tell you how awful he is and then let's bring him down" kind of mantra?  All the while showering compliments and affection and "you're so special's" mingled with a little bit of gut wrenching tidbits about your sex life, history, and leftover feelings for the object of your affection, just to sort of give a sense of kinship and what you apparently think is perspective? And to make sure the other person KNOWS that you are still involved in some way and that you have some sort of power and pull that is so strong that you just "know" even death can't pull you apart?

Really?  Well, to get real simple and maybe "break it down Barney style for you" (you know, the big purple dinosaur).... you are just mean. More than a little thoughtless and self involved.  And consequently kind of scary. And vindictive. And although quite clever and manipulative on a world class level, you are not doing yourself any favors.  Karma will reward you also.  Unfortunately with just more of the same.  Because if you view the world through "I'm getting fucked over" glasses - then that is exactly what you are going to continue to see.  This does not sound like fun to me. No gracias!

And this thing that you call "love" is maybe better described as obsession.  Love does not seek to destroy.

Consider this. Human beings are flawed.  We have made mistakes.  We have been hurt.  We have hurt others. We will continue to hurt and be hurt, love and be loved in return (or not).  We are trying to figure out our way and our path and there is no instruction manual. Some of us are better at it than others.  Sometimes we fall in love with each other.  Sometimes only one of us does.  Sometimes, people leave a relationship.  No shit, it happens EVERY DAY.  Sometimes people live happily ever after.  Some do a decent job of acting like they do.   And others move in separate directions for reasons of their own that may not quite be what the person they are leaving had in mind.  This is called "life" and "love" and free will and is what happens whenever one is involved with another human.

What the person left behind chooses to do with that?....well that can determine so much and also says much about who he/she is.  And if choosing to villainize someone who has just chosen not to be involved with you anymore while stalking someone they have current or recent involvment with is your deal, then what I have to say can best be said in quote form from Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets".... remember this one?

"go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."

And, then, just LET IT GO.  Exhale, thank the universe for the experience and the lessons, and move on. Even Tupac had extraordinary insight and wisdom on this front when he said,

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

Yeah, I never thought I'd be quoting Tupac either. Funny how life goes sometimes.
So, the longwinded moral of this story is, accept responsibility for your actions, your reactions, your words and consider that putting out venom into the world might not be the way to go.  Shit happens.  Relationships end.  Someone always gets the short end of the stick.  Roll through it. Things don't always work out the way we hope or plan.  There is no "predestination" or grand plan for what is going to happen.  No one is "made for" anyone else.  We gel, or we don't.  We grow together, or we don't.  We have chemistry, or we don't (and chemistry alone does not a forever and ever love connection make). Know that you can make the choice every minute to change your life and move in a positive or a negative direction. 

Hindsight is for the weak and second guessing is a fool's tool.  It will just make you feel worse and justify potentially harmful behaviors. It is your life.  And it is short. Make it good. Make it happy.  And if you have people in your life who are validating the victim inspired manipulative and vindictive behavior, it might be time to give them the boot. Or change your tune and see if they change theirs.  Either way, I'm betting you aren't happy feeling this way and the answer is simple.  Stop. Now. 

Oh, and leave me out of it. I've got better things to do. That whole "hell hath no fury" thing just makes the rest of us look bad.

To know what you believe is freedom...and freedom is primary

I believe in you.
I believe in me.

I believe the world is a beautiful place.
I believe that exercise and sweating are good for the mind, body and soul.
I believe in freedom, in liberty, in peace.
I believe in personal responsibility.

I believe in friends.
I believe in family, biological or chosen.

I believe in walking away from bad, negative, toxic relationships -no matter what the relationship.

I believe in good. Doing good. Being good. Choosing good. Seeing the good. Good.

I believe nearly everything we do and that happens to us is a choice, with the exception of sexual orientation, skin color, genetic makeup and to which parents you are born.  Perhaps some others.  But mostly, you have more power to choose than you may wish to accept responsibility for.  It's your life - why not make some positive choices?

I believe heterosexuals are born to love the opposite sex and that homosexuals are born to love the same gender. This is not a choice. (and yes, history has shown us there are a few individuals who have "chosen" more as a message than just being who they are, but those aren't the people I am referring to...I refer to "most" of us.  I didn't choose to be heterosexual, yet, I only dig dudes in the sexual department. )  And I believe that ALL are human beings.  And that being human is the only thing that matters. (and treating one another as such)

On that note, I believe in human rights. That means the rights for every human being to be treated like a human being. Regardless of color, religion, sexual orientation, political viewpoint, handicap, economic situation, health, gender, country of origin, social status, career field, level of fitness, perceived attractiveness.

I also believe humans may forfeit that right if their actions violate the safety, well-being, and life-force of other humans.  In the end we are animals, and being human, like everything else, is a choice.

I believe in reserving judgment and allowing empathy and compassion to guide your voice and your actions.
Along with logic and reason...

I believe in having a backbone.
I believe in standing up for what you believe.
I believe in and support gay marriage, as I believe in equal and human rights. That's right, for ALL human beings.

I believe in religious freedom.
I believe in respect.
And I believe that in order to get it, you must give it and mean it.

I believe it is completely natural and healthy to disagree with other people (as long as this is not your daily modus operandi and sole way of interacting with others).

I also believe there is a way to effectively and respectfully disagree and that this distinction can make ALL the difference.

I believe in love.
I do not believe I am altogether sure what love is or means. I am learning.

I believe marriage is for people who want to have babies, and for anyone who simply wants to be married for their own reasons regardless of their gender, orientation, religious or racial affiliations.
I do not know that it is for me.

I believe in truth. Even when it's difficult, especially when it is difficult, because nothing can cause destruction so complete as when dishonesty and mistrust are introduced.

I believe in finding my own rhythm.
I believe in the nonconventional.
I believe in magic.
I believe in monogamy.
I am not sure this is the real natural order of the human animal. 
I believe in it nonetheless.  Maybe it is more appropriate to say "I hope for it".

I believe religion is not only the opiate of the masses, it is the cyanide (Tom Robbins).
I believe in taking care of the earth and our resources.

I believe political parties are bullshit.
All of them.

I believe in beauty. Art. Music. Nature. Animals. Poetry. Literature. Warm breezes. Ocean waves. Mountainous splendor. Desert moons. Kindness. Children's laughter. Appreciation.  Love.

I believe we should all cook more and share wine and conversation and turn the damn reality tv shows off.
I believe we should really try to connect with each other instead of holding each other at arms length or judging. Or holding back for fear of judgment.

I believe that good wine is the nectar of the gods, sunlight held together by water, a work of pure art.

I believe in learning and growing from our mistakes.

I believe in helping others.

Life is beautiful. Death sucks. Them's the breaks. It's going to happen. Celebrate life. But let the dead take care of themselves. You'll join them soon enough. Enjoy your life.  Remember those who passed, but don't pass with them.

I believe people can change. But it takes a hell of a lot of hard work.
and Commitment. 
and Practice.

I believe the need for control will destroy us as a species and perhaps a planet.

I believe in taking deep breaths, enjoying the moment, the people, the places, and the journey we are with, in, and on.

I believe everyone should adopt the mantra "look within".

I believe in happiness.

I believe that heaven and hell are not places you "go", but that we create them for ourselves right here on earth through our choices and actions.

I believe in a universal energy that connects us all and makes us responsible to one another and should humble us and cause us to act with kindness and respect towards one another.

I believe in karma.

I do not believe in any one deity or idealogue or dogma.
I do believe if you believe in a deity, religion, faith - then that deserves my respect.
And by respect, I mean, I have no reason to belittle you because of your beliefs.
I'll gladly engage with you in a debate, but belittle you, try to discourage you, try to "convert" you?
No.  I will not. 
And I won't force a debate on you. 
But I will participate. 

And as long as your belief system does not violate the human rights of others or the safety of the planet or endorse the practice of any sort of physical, mental or emotional destruction or enslavement of others in any way, then have at it.  If it does, please reconsider. 

I especially do not believe any religion is valid that condemns the religions, lives, rights, freedoms, cultures and customs of others just because they are different.

I believe in taking chances.
I believe in leaping. Even sometimes before thinking.
(though thinking is recommended and encouraged...)
I believe in having the right to say "I was wrong".

I believe there is more than one love for all of us and if we are journeying well and learning from it, then the next love can be richer than the previous.

I believe that I am whatever I think I am.  And you are whatever you think you are.  Make it something to believe in.

I believe you can not know true love until you fully love and accept yourself. And I believe I am getting there. Mission not yet accomplished, lots of self-discovery yet to be had and experienced. Lots more lessons to learn. Lots more acceptance to practice. But getting there.

I believe in forgiveness. And that everyone (mostly) deserves a second chance. Not necessarily a third.

I believe, more and more each day, in just being me. Me.

I believe in simplicity.
I enjoy complex.
I believe even the complex is simple at its core.

I believe the world is an amazing place and that we are each out here for each other. The connectedness thing. It's true. Pantheism.  Don't know what that is?  Look it up.

I believe in commitment. To oneself. To another. To friends. To a dream. To your life. To good. To love. To healing. To seeing, hearing, tasting, touching and smelling the world with an open heart and an open mind.

I believe in you.

I believe in me.

I believe in reinvention.
I believe in discovery.
I believe in learning, evolving, growing.
I believe in insatiable curiosity.

I believe that's what this journey is all about.

I believe that when I meet people who move me on the soul level, love me for who I am, and allow me to be me without trying to possess or control me, then those people are my cosmic kin.  My tribe.

Welcome.

Hungering...

Lately... Well, for quite some time really...since well before my divorce, I have discovered I have been hungering for something...yes, hungering. It seems to be the only word that fits.

"Craving" doesn't do it justice, nor does "wanting" or "desiring"' and most certainly not "needing"...not even "driven".

But "hungering"...yes, hungering does the trick...epitomizes the feeling, the pull I feel and evokes just the right amount of recognition at the soul level when I say it. When I write it. When I utter it silently to myself. Hunger.

My life has really always been about hunger and in many cases curtailing it. Maybe putting my own needs and desires aside for someone else's - and to be honest and totally frank, to conform to society.

And that's just it!!!!! I've never conformed to society or fit the status quo...even when I WAS the status quo, it wasn't me. It didn't feel right. I didn't recognize myself. I wanted to be who YOU wanted me to be...YOU being whomever would give me the love and acceptance I craved (yes, craved fits here) as a child. And sure, that provided for some normalcy for a while...but that's boring.

I'm interested in finding out what makes people tick..what makes ME tick...and why. Why do we tick? Or why do some of us tick and some of us tock and others never quite seem to be in sync with anything? This is interesting to me.

I have a hunger, and it is insatiable. For discovery. For adventure. For exploration. For good. For love. For connection. For learning. For sharing For carving out my own niche in the world. For the extraordinary. And no, I don't mean some unattainable mountain in the sky that no one can ever reach...and I don't mean that I need to see fireworks and explosions in every situation or encounter. That's just the thing...for me, the simple, the beautiful quiet and color of the world and the people in it are enough for me. I just want to know them and to help maybe on some level. I'm not really sure how, I always wanted to join the Peace Corps. That may be the ticket. Maybe writing. Maybe recruiting. Maybe becoming that National Geographic photographer (or just pretending I am)...very large note to self...must invest in a better camera.

So to do all this, I figure I have to know what I am passionate about. That's easy for me. Truth. What's real. Heart stopping moments, things that make a difference. Sometimes it's just a burger made with truffles and foie gras (no kidding, try it. Unfucking-believable.

I'll tell you what I'm tired of though. Insincerity. Lack of follow through. Passive aggressive bullshit. Do or do not, there is no try. Say what you mean and mean what you say and realize life is no fairy tale and neither is love. Both are what you make them. And both require some nurturing and attention. Watering with intent, if you will. Remember, what you feed will grow. What you neglect will die.

Or make it more personal and give it responsibility and say " what I feed will grow...and what I neglect will die".

I'm not even sure what this blog is about, but I've been restless for several years now and part of it stems from not listening to my passion, my joie de vivre, my bliss, my "micheleness", my path...and quite frankly, it's time. Well past time.

What I know is this... I'm happiest when I am true to myself (the good, the bad and the ugly). I am happiest when I am needed, relevant, and my senses and mind are engaged. I am at peace when I know love. And present-ness. And can clear out all the clutter of noise which seems to clamor for my attention like a jilted lover.

What I don't quite yet know is how to reach this state. Is it nirvana? My nirvana, perhaps. I know, I know- "be the mountain" is the advice I would find and hear if sought. And I also know the truth and wisdom of it. But somehow, being the mountain doesn't quite mesh with my hunger. Perhaps that's my key? Finding a way to just "be" with my hunger and see where it leads me.

I'll let ya know how it works out. Thanks for the company.

A Soul in flux...

My recent return from Kuwait has cycled me through many stages of readjustment into a somewhat normal life, although it is not as normal as many would be comfortable with. And truth be told,  I haven't decided yet how comfortable it is for me, really...

I'm living a nomadic and somewhat gypsy lifestyle with the newfound freedom that I have gained since my divorce and property reassignment amongst my cherished friends. For the most part, I have to say I really do enjoy it.  I don't have children or a house or spouse to tie me to any space.  I feel as if I have been given a second life and am approaching it with reverance and openness to whatever comes and wherever my path leads me.

Since returning stateside in February, I have traveled to the Hamptons in NY, Ft. Lauderdale (twice) where I sailed and worked from a friend's sailboat, been in Connecticut twice, spent a week in Kansas City, two marvelous trips to Manhattan,  a weekend in the OBX, and a week in Rancocas, NJ (outside Philly), trained and run a half marathon, and haven't missed a beat working. 

I've caught up with friends, visited favorite restaurants, discovered new running trails, made new friends, taken up kickboxing, flirted a little, dated a little, and learned above all else that the universe seems to keep giving me the things I crave and desire.  I've learned that my chosen family in Williamsburg has saved my life in so many ways and that they are a part of me and as important to me as any blood family could ever be. 

Damn.  I am tired.

I've also realized that it is ok to say what I mean and mean what I say, and to do it without malice and from a place of love... and that there is power and freedom in releasing toxic memories and holds that others have on me.  I released my mother in this way a few months ago.  She opened the door for me to say calmly and without anger that I did not enjoy my childhood, that she had in fact not been a good mother (with the constant belittling, beatings, namecalling, bloody-nose-giving and that relationship defining moment she pulled the knife on me for letting her know the steak she was going for had spices she wouldn't like so that she would take one that was prepared especially for her.)

Yes, I realize she probably has some sort of undiagnosed disorder or psychosis, is bi-polar or manic depressive or schizophrenic or something. But that doesn't mean I have to choose to let her continue the abuse at this stage in my life. Not even in a grin and bear it kind of way.   So - I cut the ties.  Severed the cord.  Ended the relationship. 

Her response?  "I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you.  You seemed to turn out ok."

Really? Wow.

But that's ok.  My journey, my path, my purpose, if you will, is to take care of me, and not to force some emotion or action or explanation or apology on or from someone who doesn't even realize that it is merited or that they did anything wrong.  I've said it before and it bears repeating...I'm glad she had me because I am truly in love with this great big beautiful world and the life I am able to live. That's all I really need to know at this point.

I've been letting go of other things and people as well.  It started with all my belongings before going to Kuwait and has evolved into letting go of my stepsons, and a few dreams. 

Oh, my two handsome young Skinner men, I am honored and forever grateful to have been a part of your lives for a while.  To travel and laugh and share with and just marvel at how fast you grew up.  But you aren't mine any longer.  And I held on for maybe a little longer than I should. Love is sometimes letting go, as they say.  I love you Sam.  I love you James.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you are up to and hope that you are happy and healthy and feeling loved and worthy.  You are.  So much so. 

I am learning to finally let go of my pain and anger about my divorce.  Though there is nothing, truly, that would ever cause me to want to be with my ex again, I find that I am mourning the death of that dream.  The dream of a life I thought was mine.  I have learned, AGAIN, that nothing is permanent.  Nothing and noone. 

Now you romantics out there will be scoffing and harumphing and saying "love is permanent"...how can you say that nothing is permanent??? 

Well, because nothing is.  I believe the love that a parent has for a child is permanent, yes. But the romantic sort of love?  No.  Not permanent.  Not in a "guaranteed, I'll love you forever no matter what" kind of way.  Because love will wither and die without tending and nurturing.  Love needs love too.  Like a garden....cliche...cliche...cliche...   So you see, I believe that love CAN be permanent, but love and permanence are not interchangeable. It is, as everything is - what you make of it.  You are what you love.  In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make...I think the Beatles said that. It rings with a universal truth. 

What we feed will grow. And what we neglect will die.


I took my job in the Middle East to heal, to learn, to grow, to adventure. And it is a safe bet to say that a lot of healing, learning, growing and adventure took place. And as one might expect, the journey through all those chapters continues. They are often like chapters within chapters...sort of "mise en abyme", which may be a gross bastardization of the French terminology and for those with such sensitivies, I do humbly apologize.

Suffice it to say my journey of healing, learning, growing and adventure is one of many attempts of moving forward, only to stumble backwards every once in a while and sometimes to fall into an inescapable mudslide for a spin. So it goes.

The universe has this way of forcing the issues back on you that you try to gently slip under the rug and feign having processed them already. Denial and avoidance are normal coping mechanisms and may work for awhile, but they are not long term effective. Not by a long shot.

So....my time in the desert is a time I am still processing. The wonderful things I saw and the wonderful people I met and became cosmic kin with...the people I was able to help...the things I was able to see and experience. I would not trade it. Not even the bad. Nothing negative happened to me, but I saw plenty that opened my eyes to what much of the world, especially those of us in the USA do not know about and are not aware of.

These are topics for another blog and that I plan to explore when I can give them proper time and focus, but include human trafficking, honor killings, domestic abuse, absolute inequality based on nationality and gender bias....things that just ARE the way they ARE in the Middle East and that forced an outspoken and opinionated champion of girl power and overall human equality to be a silent observer, because to do otherwise had consequences that were just too scary for me to consider. I'm no martyr or saint, and I figured my voice could better serve once out of immediate harm's way and at least back on my home soil.


And now the conundrum...the cosmic "mixer-upper" of the Universe has shown me a grievous error I have made for many years.  In my efforts to protect myself from my mother and my anger at her and fear of her, I have managed to isolate myself from my brothers and from my stepdad.  My brothers still live at home and haven't much interest in visiting me, so I sort of stopped being interested in visiting them.  The fact that my mother is there as well makes it easy to avoid so that I do not have to spend time with her.  And as the normal course of life would have it, it seems my stepdad, Melvin, may well be reaching the end of his life.  And the years of not giving to and feeding my relationship with him are quite sadly lost.

You may remember me talking about Melvin and the day he won my love and respect...when he stopped my mother when she held that knife at my throat. (It doesn't even make sense to me when I tell this story..).  Anyway, Melvin is pretty sick and may well have not one, not two, but three types of cancer and is likely doing more suffering than he should. 

All I can think is that he was always kind to me.  Always good.  Always gentle.  Always respectful.  He taught me to drive.  He drove me to the bustop on cold or rainy mornings and sat with me till the bus came after working till midnight the night before.  He made me breakfast.  He even took me to see Cinderella when I was a girl, because even he knew that every little girl relates to a princess story.  Cinderella was especially apropos for me. 

Melvin worked relentlessly at an $18,000 a year job to support my mother, me, and my two brothers after my mom decided not to work anymore.  He worked in the garden all day during the summers, cleaned the house, did the grocery shopping, and went to work in a textile mill at 4PM, came home a little after midnight and did it all again the next day.  He put up with screaming, belittling, complete bitchery from my mother and never was disrespectful to her in return.  He loved her.  He accepted her for who and what she was.  I have absolutely no idea why.  But he did. And now he is going to die.  Probably soon.  Of course, we all die...but I was so focused on staying out of my mothers path and wrath that I completely ignored him in the process and never really even got to know him. This makes me sad.  So, yes, I sent him a card and told him all of this recently (he isn't a phone talker) and I know he wouldn't talk in person either and she'd make it miserable for all of us.  But I missed a lot of years appreciating and loving a man who was good and kind and tried his best to be a father to me. Even though I reminded him regularly that he wasn't my dad.  Because I placed my own absentee father on a pedestal and romanticized him as some heroic figure who escaped my mother and therefore deserved all my love.  A pity. Truly. 

That was wrong.  Melvin was the hero.  The silent, steady, constant who cared for me regardless of who I was or who my father was. 

What's the moral of this hodge podge of a story?  I'm not sure.  The same as always I suppose. 

Treat your children well....make the right choices....believe in yourself....don't waste precious time or love....accept things when they don't go your way....let go when it is time...be grateful....learn from the pain....love your life anyway....and try, if you realize you are doing it, not to run or hide from what is important.  It's all a journey and we are all learning at our own pace and can really only do our best to facilitate the lessons and the journey.  Time is precious.  Tell the people you love that you love them.  It doesn't matter if they love you back or not.  Love is free.  Love is the ultimate good.  Love is the ultimate answer to any question.  Be open.

Dare to love and live and be without agenda or expectation.

Ma'salaama, my friends.  Thanks for bearing with me. I don't think this one ties together very well and it seems like there is still a lot unsaid.

"But if I write what my soul thinks, it will be visible, and the words will be its body." Helen Keller

epiphany / "duh" moment...

I just had a terribly grown up thought today and felt it needed preserving for posterity (and for me), so onto the blogosphere it goes...

Basically, it goes a little something like this....

If you haven't even defined your own parameters or "cards" yet, it is neither prudent nor wise to judge, dismiss or become angry or indignant with someone else for their cards or philosophy.  Or worse, your perception of their agenda, if they even have one.

It is never in your best interests to expect anyone to adhere to your game plan (or preconceived notion).   In fact, don't even worry yourself with what anyone else is doing.  Let people be.  If your desires intersect, beautiful.  If not, let them be.  It's a truly great gift to give yourself and to your fellow humankind.

In other words, define your cards before demanding anyone else put theirs on the table and then when you do put your cards on the table....?  Well then, make sure you know what the hell you are talking about...and make sure you mean what you think you mean and that you actually know what you want. (as opposed to some societally conditioned set of expectations or some other such nonsense.)

Because - and remember this - you're going to get what you put out into the void, even if it is confusion or an ill-defined desire.  It will just come back to you as ill-defined confusion and really, who needs more of that? You know, just be careful what energy you send out there...

I'd like to see less angst and more open and honest communication without fear of loss or admonishment.  Say what you need to say. Do what you need to do. Be what you need to be.  Feel what you need to feel....and most of all, say it, do it, be it and feel it for YOU.

....then OWN it. It's yours.  No need to attach ownership to anyone else or give them responsibility for what you want. 

And that, as they say, is all.

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray

Mother.  Mommy.  Mom.  Mama.  Ma.  A very interesting word that conjures up visions of homemade chocolate chip pancakes, band-aids on scraped knees, a peaceful countenance in a rocking chair, a tissue and a hug to wipe your tears, and the complete and total knowledge that this warm and loving woman will be in your life forever and be a source of unconditional love for you.  She will accept you no matter what...teach you right from wrong...support your dreams...and listen to them...make sure you are always fed, show you the wonders of the world in your own backyard, push you on the swing, pick you up and dust you off when you fall, make you apologize to others when you hurt their feelings, and bascially be there for you to weather life's storms, give you advice, correct you when necessary....a force of nature that you know will never, ever let you down.  She'd go without dinner to be sure you weren't hungry.  She'd give up anything to see you happy.  She'll shower your own children with grandmotherly love.  She'd take a bullet for you and fight to the death for you in the face of anyone or anything that threatened you.  And she'd never think twice about it.

If this is the kind of mother you had, or something close to it - consider yourself among the richest of beings on this planet.  That is the vision I have of mother and always have.  It is the vision I tricked myself into believing I had and the relationship I would or could have if I could just be a better daughter. 

...If only I was just good. 

...If only I was enough.

...If only I was worthy of love.

...If I could make my mother stop crying. Or screaming.  Or beating.  Or calling me names.  If only I were better.

Yes, the latter is the mother I grew up with, and yes, that pretty much sucks, but this post isn't about that.  This post is about three very special women in my life.  This post is about how lucky I am.  This post is about unconditional love and unexpected gifts from the universe that can happen even when you think you are all grown up.  This post is about how happy I am and have become.  How whole.  How worthy.  How good.  How enough.

My grandmothers were with me for most of my life and were a source of respite from the cold, harsh, cruelty of my mother.  They were certainly not perfect, but they treated me with love and care and without judgment.  Yes, they disciplined me.  They told me no.  They got angry when I acted out.  But they always and without fail came from a place of love and it showed.  When weekends rolled around, I wanted to be with my grandmothers.  There was good food and peace and quiet and books to read, pictures to look at, gardens to explore, and healing that could take place while under their protection. 

My grandmothers, Ella and Ora, quite literally saved my life.  I do not know how I would have made it without them.  They attended my college graduation and wouldn't have missed it.  (my own mother didn't attend.)  They listened, offered their best advice, helped me when they could, wrote me letters and told me that I was good.  And that I could do anything I wanted.  I had no idea what that was and still don't.  Once upon a time, I wanted to be a doctor.  Now, I think I just want to be happy.  And at peace.  And in love. Either with another human being or the whole world or both. 

They have both passed on now and I miss them every day.  Lovely, wonderful, amazing, flawed, good and caring souls.  Mimi and Grandma,  I love you both. Thank you for believing in me and for loving me like a mother and a grandmother wrapped into one.  And thank you for protecting me whenever you could. Thank you for taking me in almost every weekend of my child life.

I've learned so much these past decades and one of the gifts I have discovered is that you really can have just about anything you want and if you put focus and energy into it and send it out into the universe, it quite often will manifest for you. And I'm really not kidding.  I have gotten nearly everything I ever said or thought or dreamed I wanted.  Not usually in the moment I want it, but when the time was right.  The trick is to be open to it, not have any preconceived notions or formulas for it, and to be able to recognize it when it comes.  And when it comes - ACCEPT it.

I spent countless days, nights, years, wishing and hoping and praying that someday my "real" mother would come and get me.  You know, because I couldn't quite fathom that I was supposed to be with the woman I grew up with.  If you'd read any previous posts, you know some of the story.  It doesn't bear repeating or rehashing. And this isn't a "feel sorry for me" story either.  This is a tale of what can be.  For anyone. 

It just was.  It isn't anymore.  Life is now what I make it.  What I choose.  What I believe.  And I've found once I stopped telling myself the stories of unworthiness and unlovableness and sadness that I found myself to be quite worthy, lovable and happy.  At peace even.  And that is A M A Z I N G . And so freeing!

Fast forward to one day, later in my life, well after college and my first job and my first (and even second) marriage - I found my real mother.  Or she found me.  Or we found each other.  I don't even remember how it started.  I just know that one day I realized that I belonged to her and she belonged to me and she brought with her the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.  (You do realize, don't you - that love and acceptance are key and if you have those, you're pretty much golden - right?).

My real mother, my cosmic tribe leader, my "don't need to be blood" matriarch...brought with her an amazing family. Sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, dogs...a place to go for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, 4th of July, birthdays, Saturdays...any days.  No, not a PLACE, actually....a HOME.  And all those new family members?  They came with love and acceptance too.  And the "we belong to each other" vibe.  My cosmic tribe.  As good or better than if I had been born into their family and raised with them from birth.

So Kate, my dear ridiculously smart, funny, beautiful, witty, opinionated, passionate, loving, welcoming, accepting friend...I will say what I have said to you many times before...I am a lucky somebody. 

You rescued me again when I didn't even realize I needed rescuing.  You didn't let me get away with not listening to the fact that I owed it to myself to not settle for anything less than a life, and a "me", and a world, and relationships that are worthy of ME. 

You show me beauty, and humility, and courage, and forgiveness and tenacity.  Protection and appreciation, and strength.  Grace. You remind me what it is to be me.  And you make sure every day that I don't forget it again.  You saved my life and let me fly to figure it out on my own in Roanoke and in Kuwait and you welcomed me back again when I was finished.  You continue to give me just the right amount of support and skepticism when I come up with new romance or travel ideas - or travel with romance....You grill me, you advise me, you worry for me, you shake me when I need shaking, and you care for me and about me. 

Most of all, and above all else... you love me.  And you accept me... at the end of it all, of every day, no matter what.  The powerful honor and debt and awe that I owe to the universe for this gift is in the forefront of my mind every single day. 

Happy Mother's Day, Kate ( few days early).  I love you with the love of a cherished daughter.  And yes, I am a lucky, lucky somebody. 

I hope you all have a "Kate" in your life.  And if you do, then be sure to maintain the karmic balance and be a "Kate" in someone else's life. 

And I hope you all realize and know that you are enough. You are worthy.  You are loved.  And you are accepted. I believe in you.  All of you.

I also believe that a Peter Pan like wonder and openness to the magic the world has to offer will make your life (and your heart) a beautiful place.

and yes, I do still believe in fairies, I do, I do.

plagiarizing Jim Morrison and Tom Robbins tonight...just that kind of night...made better with a little Depp for just the right flavoring...

~ kind of a collection of favorites....from people who influenced me rather a lot...there have been so many others, but these two are on my mind tonight...
==========================================================================
“This is the strangest life I've ever known.”
-Jim Morrison

“That's what real love amounts to- letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act-”
-Jim Morrison

“I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown.”
-Jim Morrison

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
-Jim Morrison


“I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable.”
-Jim Morrison

~~~and now, my all time favorite, for reasons beyond the simple and mundane, Mr. Tom Robbins~~~

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
-Tom Robbins

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
-Tom Robbins

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
-Tom Robbins

“We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.”
-Tom Robbins

“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”
-Tom Robbins
TRUTH

"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business."
-Tom Robbins

The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being."
-Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)

"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."
— Tom Robbins (Still Life with Woodpecker)

 "Our lives are not as limited as we think they are; the world is a wonderfully weird place; consensual reality is significantly flawed; no institution can be trusted, but love does work; all things are possible; and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously."
— Tom Robbins

Really, I could go on and on with Robbins quotes.... for now, I'll close.  There's a lot of wisdom and humor and depth and truth in every one of these quotes, which are mostly essentially lifted off the pages of his books. 

You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of beans...
-Tom Robbins

and the only way to do this post justice was to add Johnny Depp.  Dig.

I may have a feather duster down my pants.

-Johnny Depp

I think everybody's nuts.
-Johnny Depp

-I was ecstatic they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries'. Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots.
-Johnny Depp

I'm not sure I'm adult yet.
-Johnny Depp

If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it's OK to be different, that it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.
-Johnny Depp

People say I make strange choices, but they're not strange for me. My sickness is that I'm fascinated by human behavior, by what's underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people.

-Johnny Depp

and the best.... and I echo this sentiment...

“I hope some day to make you all a cup of coffee. Alright, peace.”

Johnny Depp

Have you read Tom Robbins, do you know him....?  Check him out.  You'll thank yourself.
And Jim Morrison...for those of you who didn't know what a poet he was....read.  It will amaze and astound you, resonate with you, potentially disgust you (if you are so inclined)....but it is all truth.  At least it was Jim's truth and I can relate.

a melancholy kind of happiness...

Beginnings are exciting, fun, delicious, mysterious, ANGSTY, and prone to make you stay up restless all night for weeks and weeks on end while being incapable of proper focus or attention during the day.  The beginnings I speak of, are of course, the beginnings of love.  And the begnnings of love can produce euphoria, ecstacy, extraordinary sustained levels of excitement and arousal and yes, a melancholy kind of happiness.  It doesn't seem to matter how old you are (that's the good news AND the bad news)....it will still get you, turn you upside down, fill you with dreams and whimsy and butterflies and make you forget how to think or behave rationally.

Because, you can't really KNOW if it is actually a love type thing, or if it is a hormone and chemical overdose trick that your body plays on you to entice you to mate.  Is that what it really all boils down to? We meet someone, the chemistry is right, our bodies and minds and perceptions go haywire so that we can procreate and perpetuate the species? 

In the name of all that is beautiful and pure, I really, really hope not. 

It's certainly effective, yes....but does it really all come down to a few chemicals being overloaded into your hypothalmus in order to lull you and dull your senses just enough to get you to behave like you have completely lost all capacity for reason and logic? I think the answer is yes, sometimes.  Or maybe yes, all the times in the beginning. I am reluctant to reduce the pulls of the heart's deepest longings down to science. (no offense to you science lovers out there.)  Biology is cool, as are physics and chemistry and astronomy.  But they aren't love. 

And of course, this beginning LOVE I speak of is of the truest early stage kind, which is the "being in love" stage...which is not yet the long term, committed love type thing....but it is the fun part. That long term, "real" thing may or may not find its way into your heart and soul.  That only happens if you are truly lucky.  And more importantly, if you are open to it and know how to nurture and care for it, or are at least willing to learn how.  The real love is work.  Although, I have heard it is worth it, so I do have a soulful hope to find out someday. 

Yet, ohhhhhh - being in love is the dreamy part...the magical part...You remember?  The endless nights talking about anything and everything and nothing and feeling like you just folded time or solved the mysteries of the universe.  The world and everything in it becomes beautiful and you suddenly want to befriend homeless people, give them all your money or take them to lunch and just SHARE what you have found because it is so amazing and so great and you just KNOW if you tell them about it that it will change their life.  Right.  Yes, how obnoxious are the newly in love... (and yes, I want exactly that brand of obnoxiousness too.)

You're sorry for those who don't really get what you are feeling because you know - you KNOW that you have discovered the very secret that noone should ever have to live without and that is that love is the answer...love is all you need....love conquers all....love paints the world with giant strokes from the brush of god with colors the likes of which mere mortals have only dreamt of and Michaelangelo, Botticelli, and Van Gogh are in awe of.  (I know it's a cheesey metaphor, but the subject matter calls for it, yes?)

In short, you're a little bit (or a lot) annoying to your friends and anyone that has to listen to you chatter endlessly about the object of your affection. Oh what a drag you are...but an oblivious and happy drag, so you're none the wiser.  You only know about this side when one of your friends falls in love and does that endless chattery thing to you all the time till you start making up excuses for why you can't talk or go to lunch with them anymore. When you are on the "in love" side of the equation, nothing can break your buzz, except maybe sudden withdrawal of the object of your affection from your life...then holy camel dung - that's when extreme patheticness ensues.  (another topic, some other time...or hopefully not.)

So, in all of this...self exploration and discovery and dipping of my toes in the proverbial ocean of dating and love (thank you for the phrase Tina M)...I am reminded that the secret formula for sustained happiness and peace and success and the elusive overall sense of well being is, in fact, (drum roll please....) Love. Confound it all  - it just is... And being able to trust and give and remain open and to discuss misunderstandings and disagreements and idiosyncrasies and still come out in favor of each other on the other side are all essential and primary.  Primary. Not just romantic love...all kinds of love.  Love for yourself...love of your family...love for a neighbor, a people, a cause, a friend, a kindred spirit, a colleague.  It sure as hell trumps hate and dickishness and selfishness and mockery any day of the week.

I remember it well, the "in love" stuff...I recall feeling it in 5th grade (puppy love) and again in college...not really again since.  Mind you, I have seen snippets that imitated it, but they were always swept back under the carpet at the first sign of conflict or misunderstanding, or carried with them the traits of codependence and fear of betrayal and hurts... the product of having to relive your last relationship's mistakes because you hadn't dealt with them yet.   I think that's what they refer to as baggage.  Ugh. The horror.

But yes, it comes down to wanting to be genuinely accepted and desired by another human being.  Loved and cared for and someone to rely upon who relies upon you... shared experiences and interests and exploration of each other's worlds to discover amazing new worlds you may have never been interested in before.  Oh, you knew they were there...you just didn't picture yourself in them...then all of a sudden, gee - whiz - bang - you find yourself sitting at the edge of a stairway that leads to the top of the universe, holding your breath and wondering how you will find the time to fit it all in and to experience everything you are now capable of.  Yes, you can now do ANYTHING.  Love gives you superpowers too, didn't you know that?  You did...maybe you just forgot.  We always forget. I think we have to remember to remember.

This post feels a bit unfinished and perhaps I will revisit...but in keeping with the spirit of the theme of the woman on the journey who went to hell and back in marriage and then to Kuwait for some nice healing time (mission accomplished) --- I dream of a love that is filled with quiet acceptance and wonder and respect mixed with excitement and discovery.  Understanding.  Forgiveness. And light.  (and um, matching appetites for passion.)

So, Universe, if you're listening...
That is all.

Wondering what it's all about...

My journey continues to evolve and I continue to be fairly astounded by how I seem to imagine/wish for/visualize...things into existence. Whatever you want to call it...it is interesting, cool, amazing, and a little intimidating as I have realized that we really can manifest just about any life situation we want if we don't get too specific. I mean, I can't seem to visualize Jeff Bridges or Javier Bardem into my life...but the experiences I want, adventures I want, freedom I crave, family I need...all seem to have come into existence in my life, and considering my upbringing,that feels especially spectacular to me...

So it has me thinking, wondering even...can I bring the love I want into my life? You know...the right kind...the good kind...the healthy kind...the reciprocal kind...the honest kind...the faithful kind, the "kind" kind....plus passion and understanding and shared learning with a dash of forgiveness every once in a while? Are you reading this and saying DREAM ON M!? Yeah, well maybe...but gosh I really hope it isn't just a pipe dream.

I have to believe and hope that the life I've lived and the lessons I have learned along with the losses I've experienced have prepared me and made me ready to receive and find the right kind of love. I think so many people settle for what they have or what they think everyone else expects of them and I can speak with some experience here... I don't want to settle ever again. I fully understand this may mean I am in for a lot of heartbreak, disappointment or aloneness.

That is the interesting and actually great and freeing thing. I am willing, nay, insistent upon living out my life sans relationship if it means the wrong kind. But I still have the belief in the right kind...

And with regard to my inability to make the right choices in some earlier relationships? I would like to believe and daresay I do believe that I have done some decent evolving and can imagine a future where I am in a happy and healthy relationship sustained by love and intimacy and mutual trust and if fights are necessary, then fighting the right way.

Since my divorce, I've been up and down the entire spectrum of emotions and back many times. And though I've formed no relationships of any tenure, I have foraged around a little to see what is out there and learned a few important things.

First....if it doesn't sing, I'm out. An old friend (thank you Mr. Miller) tried to teach me this long ago but though I saw the wisdom in the lesson, I didn't heed it. Not always. Not as I should have. I've gotten caught up for decades literally in trying to do what others expected of me instead of doing what I needed and wanted. And that lack of untrueness to myself led to three, count them THREE marriages didn't work out. You know what the common denominator in those marriages was? Me. Yes, me. I know...you have already figured this out and were wondering if I had figured it out.

I had. I did. I knew. I know. So what I had to do with that was come to terms with it, understand it, figure out where the mistakes were made and forgive myself. And I did. And I do. I made some unwise decisions. They weren't bad men, just not right for me. I chose people in situations where we felt that marriage must be the next step. I think that I have figured out some of why. This may come as no surprise to some of you and may frighten others ...but, basically I am a deep and intense person. And my own biological family examples weren't exemplary and so I've tried to recreate what I didn't grow up with.

Typical? Textbook? Probably...but it makes sense and the big epiphany is that I don't feel that need anymore. To choose what others expect of me. I finally feel like I am living the life I imagined myself living when I was just a teenager and young college student....and that sends me into many different metaphysical and wistful, dreamy places of hope.

And the real beauty of it all, this whole scenario? It isn't far fetched. It isn't impossible. It isn't sitting waiting for me on then corner, but it is very real and very possible and is what I want. And I'm so delighted to discover that I am not jaded after all this and I do still believe. Yay me!

So my foray into dating since the divorce has taken me to Raleigh, to kuwait (not for romance and none explored nor found there, except the over the Internet kind...), then to Arkansas...to the Hamptons to Ft. Lauderdale, locally and back.

The outcome? Let's see, one friendship that is best as a friendship but growing and that is nice, really... Another an intellectual dance that played itself out exactly as expected and reality made someone with closer proximity a more attractive prospect for him, making him not right for me...yet another, a scenario of two friends who really liked each other before and who now face awkward family situations because we should have stayed friends. And never were more than that. So i believe that will evolve properly in the years to come to the less awkward friend state. Another was an interesting guy who doesn't work and lives on a sailboat and while charming and very intelligent is misogynistic and bigoted. No deal. I like to think he was sent by the universe to test my "put up with bullshit" factor and I learned that my gut gave me the answers, I heard them, I listened, I gave a second chance in the spirit of everyone deserves that second chance...I was able to recognize that my gut was right and it was OK to walk away. Without guilt. That was a nice breakthrough. Very.

This is important, because in the past, I have not felt that. I mean, I have stuck around with people because I didn't want to let them down, or fail or disappoint, etc even to my own detriment. As a new friend recently described his own split from a spouse "I got tired of twisting and contorting myself into different shapes to try to be what they wanted". That's a rough paraphrase, but it sums it up nicely.

So, now, I'm not interested in what other people think...only in what I and my love interest, whomever that turns out to be...want, need, desire, decide.

And I want, need, desire love, of course. And Passion, trust, transparency, respect, conversation, intellectual exchange and attraction, excitement and positivity about the world and people, patience for each other...with each other...the ability to forgive and communicate. These are all primary.

I've also learned a few lessons and hard truths about myself over the years....I only have a few real deal breakers or things I can't get past. (I mean besides the serial killer or rapist instinct, ritual sacrifices, animal cruelty...etc. ) ... Those deal breakers for me are dishonesty or hiding things, smoking, misogyny, bigotry, general bad disposition...you know, because these things to me are a choice and you either know that or don't and subscribe to it or don't and it matters. (I don't mind the occasional cigar, just not cigarettes. Yuck.)

Now, first, let me clarify...I don't want to know everything about ANYONE...especially past stuff. But in the here and now...I want what he tells me to be true and real. I don't want him to feel the need to deliberately hide or say anything untrue. That doesn't mean I need to know if he is fantasizing about Kim Basinger when we make love...hell, I may be fantasizing about her too, I just mean I don't want him to tell me something out loud that isn't true or
to fabricate an experience. I mean what I say and I do what I say I'll do. I want someone who will do the same. That's all.

I am exactly who I say I am and that probably makes me intolerant of anyone who feels the need to be inauthentic. Life's too short for that shit. Be who you are...love yourself...accept yourself and trust me to love and appreciate you for you.

So with all this said, I am wide open to the new experience of finding a healthy love. The kind that other couples are a little envious of and who wonder what our secret is. I want to embarrass ourselves with a passionate kiss on the spur of the moment when moved regardless of where we are. To wake up feeling loved, desired, alive, aware, you know...to wake up with things to say, love to make and a sickening in love-ness with the world because I'm in love with him.

Pipe dream? Dear me, I certainly hope not. And I think it's quite possible. I think I've said it before, but "welcome amor...I've been thinking about you a lot lately.". There's a lot of fun in store for us. Come sit with me, walk with me, talk with me, grow with me and make love and friendship and memories. Let's be a force. Not intimidating, but a force for good.

Love lessons for the unevolved..

So the journey of this single 43 year old woman continues as does my education. I'm so curious about people and the way they work, tick, exist, interact, fight, defend themselves and generally make impassioned cases for why they are justified in either mistreating others or defending their own victimization or wearing their negative life experiences like a badge of accomplishment on their exposed pain psyches.  Hey, you!  I can see your undercarriage....either fix it or hide it, but don't use it as a weapon!

Equally interesting, and sometimes dismaying to me is how I react (or don't react) in different exposure situations. As evolved as I'd like to think (or hope) that I have become, there are situations and emotional energies of other people that serve to show me that I am in fact, not evolved at all. Just superior in my thinking or opinion of myself perhaps? That's not really what I have been shooting for...

But on a grander scale, it has taught and is teaching me that a significantly important component of knowing oneself and evolving is knowing your own boundaries...knowing your emotional triggers and what energies are positive and forward propelling for you and which energies or situations are de-evolutionary and kind of smack you back into a place of emotional chaos or unrest. Of course, the whole point of working towards some sort of evolution is to be able to be surrounded by negativity and debilitating energy and still remaining calm, happy and at peace. Right? Yeah....not so much...at least not from my experience.

But, that's what all the Masters say. Maybe for me it is more about choosing to be around people who have positive energies. Or at least people with open and searching energies instead of those with hostilities and bad juju that they have no idea they are exuding. Seriously, I have encountered and spent copious amounts of time with some folks, who are otherwise incredibly wonderful people...who are so oblivious to their own addiction to their pasts and who feel so much like the world is out to get them that it is impossible for them to let go of their pain and just "be" and let others be and as a result, see how amazing life really is and how beautiful other people can be.  And their modus operandi?  Picking fights, intolerance, barraging the other person (in this case, me) and an odd tendency to "lay down the rules for being with them" (who the "f" needs THAT?) ...pardon the language kiddies... You gotta be you, I gotta be me and I am totally of the live and let live philosophy....  Some seem to think that means I will lay down and allow myself to be walked over.  Not the case.  Whatever happened to plain old fashioned let's just get to know each other and see if we like each other?  Ahhh, old fashionedness seems like such a fairy tale, sometimes, doesn't it?  It isn't...it is just my experience of late - which means......(drum roll please!!!!) - that as the laws of the universe and karma and averages and such go, then I am due for something stupendous.  Excellent!  I welcome it and look forward to it when it arrives.  Bienvenido amor~ I've been thinking about you a lot lately.  Come and sit on my porch, watch the fireflies and chat with me.  We'll have some iced tea or some wine or perhaps another beverage of our choice...

That doesn't seem to be what dating at 43 is like.  It is more like very selectively choosing seemingly lovely people to spend time with - finding them lovely, having great chemistry with and then sort of watching them unravel or unleash all the pent up hostilities they hold for their exes or their mother or women in general. Do you know what I can report about that?  I don't like it.  No, sir - not at all. 

Listen, I know my own shortcomings. I know my faults. I know my issues and yes, I know my triggers. Mostly, I can get along with anyone in any situation almost regardless of what they think, believe, say or profess to be about as long as they don't step on the toes of my "just being me" and don't script me and don't give me a set of rules to live by.

If I look at you while we are speaking and say to you directly "You know, I think your ideas suck and you're a douche bag and you're inherently evil", then I expect you to be offended by that. If however, I am simply having a conversation with you, need clarification, don't necessarily understand what you are saying and ask a question first, so that I can process... or just add something else to the convo because that is what conversations are....then I not only don't understand a hostile reaction or argument, I genuinely get thrown off balance and am then thrown into a place where I am thinking too much about my next words or am in sheer reactionary mode which is dangerous for me and frankly, also for you, if you are in the mix and provocatively aggressive and accusatory. So, yes...these are likely where my issues come in to play...and why I guess it is best for me to gravitate towards those of similar temperaments and energies.

But I crave growth. I long for it...dream about it....maybe am a little addicted to it....And I want to learn not only about myself, but about others. Moreover, I want to somehow be able to help others in their evolution while helping myself.

Of course, that particular brand of growth comes from pushing your own boundaries and putting yourself into situations that will throw you off balance and test your mettle, so to speak - which in and of itself is going to be unpredictable by nature.

I VERY recently pushed my boundaries in just this way and much to my personal dismay, found myself wanting. Or lacking...or not yet up to the evolutionary task, so to speak.  By the way...just because you did a lot of research on my zodiac sign and then compared it to your zodiac sign...studied it, found it fascinating etc....does not mean that what you read is indicative of who I am, how I will react, what my motives are, or where I am coming from. I will admit, there are a lot of interesting things in astrology, some of them spooky even - but, really....GROW up.

Pity...the chemistry was phenomenal...but the continuation of the friendship isn't to be.   I did make discoveries (positive and not so delightful) on this recent journey. I did see some amazing things. I experienced some extraordinary things and I realized just what I am willing to give and what I am willing to accept.

I discovered I'm willing to give everything, except my soul and self-respect. And I've learned that anyone really interested in being with me is only interested in getting to know my soul, not in squashing, conquering or taming it. In short, it was a lesson I needed reminding of after being out of practice for a long time.

I have learned when to say when...and hopefully that will suffice for an evolutionary notch or two on the tree of my life. For now, it will have to do and as I continue to learn and grow, I'll get it right sometime. Till then, I'm letting the universe know I get it and thanking it for the reminder and namaste'ing my way to a more peaceful and reciprocal intersection of the minds with my fellow man.

Ma'salaama, my friends. Namaste.

Contracts that go BUMP, in the night....

There are so many things I will miss about Kuwait...and so many things I won't miss a bit.
Here's a little free style thinking on which is what...

I will miss...

The MOON.  Enormous, the colors of burnt orange, brilliant gold and gleaming bone white.  Amazing and breathtaking as it rises over the Persian Gulf.

The SUN and the sunrises.  Also on the gulf...big, fiery, red, magenta, fuschia, then the familiar golden-white blinding light that burns intensely all day long.

130 degree heat.  Really I will.  It's a cleansing, hot, convection oven heat...and holds you like a freshly spent lover on a hot Carolina night.

My friends...Bob, Erika, Andrea, Berdine, Todd, Helen, Mac, Kris, Jamar, John, Julio, Dawnie, MG, Oliver, Terrie, Ashraf, Imran, Danny, Alwyn, Ashley, Velwyn, Sid, Vishal, Prashant, Paul, Eknath, Joshy, the Hot Firemen....and more I can't even remember at the moment.

Running along the Persian Gulf.  Utterly amazing. Surreal.  I mean, who gets to do that??

Delivery sushi...quality, delicious and cold every time.  And the miso soup? Piping hot.  Every time.

The sight of the oilfields just before dawn.  Eerily beautiful, like another planet. 

The bedouin barbecues...

The diversity and richness of this place and the astounding contradictions between extreme ridiculous wealth and not ever being taught how to clean or care for things or surroundings.  (that's a toss up between "will miss" and "will not miss".)

Building security...on watch 24 hours a day.

All tile floors and no carpet.  I love tile.

The call to prayer.  While not religious at all myself, I find these times very endearing and try to give them the reverence they deserve. 

Air that smells like warm, spicy sugar. I think it is the shisha cafes, not sure - but it is delicious.

The best Indian food I have ever had. Bar none. 

Meetings with the Legion of Doom, which I found particularly amusing and entertaining.

Some things I won't miss quite so much....

The way the bathrooms smell at Arifjan...you shouldn't walk into a bathroom and almost wretch due to stench.

Toilets where toilet paper isn't allowed. (I mean, ICK!)

Kuwaiti drivers.  STAY IN YOUR LANE!

The role of women and the inequality of women. 

Feral, unfriendly cats.

People who don't like dogs.

The phrase "Insha'Allah".  I'm a fan of personal responsibility. Owning your choices...

That weird Australian dude in the gym who stares and gets in my space..BACK the F off, dude. I'm working out, not here to be chatted up.

The Chicken Hawk.  Ya'll who know, know who I mean. 

Edited movies...although a little funny, still frustrating.

The distance of my friends and family in the states.

Paper shredding. 

Incoming IPC's.


I may come back and add to these as I remember....I'm going to sleep now for tomorrow is a HUGE and long day...but at the end of it all, I'll be on US soil the day after...

Ma' salaama.

“A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles" (Tim Cahill)...thank you Mark Zuckerberg.

With only 8 days left on the contract and before I fly away from Ali Baba Land for the last time, I am feeling the need to wax a little gushy and send a note of thanks to Mark Zuckerberg. Yes, I said Mark Zuckerberg. 

You see, for months now...since late November, I have been an evening and weekend prisoner of sorts.  A la "Rapunzel in the tower", except not a princess, and not that young, and, well - you get the point.  Everything was exciting when I arrived. I was given a car and access to just about anything Kuwait had to offer.  Then, as news of the pending loss of our contract came, little freedoms and luxuries started going away - the first of which was the car.  Then there were warnings and urgings to lay low...stick close to your apartments...don't go out in crowds...don't gather with groups of other Americans (for fear of becoming a target?)...etc. 

The routine has been to work 12 hours a day plus commute Sundays through Thursdays and then escape to Dubai or Abu Dhabi on the weekends or just hang out in the proverbial tower and read, watch movies, exercise...and stay connected with the rest of the world. Luckily, I am mostly content with that...but am itching for freedom and to have a little more control of my destiny again.  No more Dubai escapes because they collected our passports in early January. Haven't seen it since.

There has been no better way that I have seen to stay connected with the rest of the world than the internet.  Especially when I've been very limited geographically and living about 8-9 hours in the future from most of the people I know and love. And through the internet...(thanks Al Gore ;-) ) the information superhighway paved the way for Facebook.  Seriously, I don't have any idea how I would have kept my sanity here without it. So, yes, thank you Mark Zuckerberg and friends, for what started as a way to connect with fellow Harvard students and has grown into over 600 million active users worldwide.  I'm deeply gratified and beholden to you.

I've been living in two or three timezones since I got here, trying to keep up mentally with what time it is in other places.   The Kuwait time zone (AST - Arabia Standard Time)...Eastern Standard for my east coast family and friends and Central Standard, for my group of friends in the midwest, Texas, Arkansas...I also spent a good bit of time mentally in Pacific Standard and Mountain and sometimes even Hawaiian Standard, depending on where I had to call to speak to candidates.  As a recruiter, one must call when the candidate is awake.

But, the simple act of being able to log on at any time from the Middle East and see that Holly just had a "kick ass run" or posted a great new pic of my Izzy... or that it was going to be "another great day in the sandhills" for Bryan...or that Sam was surfin'...or that NC State was playing and sadly, still sucks :(...or to see what Rebecca was making for dinner tonight...to see your snow pictures, your Thanksgiving pictures, your Christmas pictures...to know you had a birthday today...to see how pissed off Kate and Norman were at Sarah Palin's latest antics...to learn what was going on in Susannah's mind at the moment...to be shocked at who thinks Glenn Beck is an actual life form...to read your witty anecdotes...to nearly fall off my chair laughing at anything Holli Poole Teubner posts!!! I am going to start a fan page for you, Holli.  Tell your friends to get ready!  To be able to listen to the music Jake was listening to almost simultaneously since he never seems to sleep.  The ability to feel like I am sitting right there with you all at almost any time has kept me connected, kept me grounded, made me realize what is truly important in life, and has been the greatest gift and comfort. And there have been tragically sad times when I have grieved with you for the loss of your children, your parents, your friends.  Death, although an unavoidable part of life, still takes the deepest toll on us as the loss of that loved one is irrecoverable.  My love and warmest healing thoughts still go out to you each day and night.

I am so sad to think how the countless military men and women and those traveling to distant lands for non-military reasons over the years had to get by with handwritten letters that could be delivered months after they were sent and who could make the occasional phone call once a month or so depending on their mission and where they were in the world.  That is likely how they built the camaraderie and brother/sisterhood with each other in ways I may not have built the same while here...although I have managed to make some amazing friends here from all over the world that I know will be part of my lifelong cosmic family that I will stay in touch with.  So, really, I have had the best of both worlds.  I have said it before and it still holds true, I am a lucky somebody.

Time is different here in the desert.  I don't know what it is...the long days, the endless sunshine, the time difference...not sure.  But though I have only been here around 8 months, it feels like it has been about 3 years.  Maybe Kuwait time is like dog years...? Not sure. But so much has happened in that time.

I came here to have an adventure - and WHAT an adventure I have had! I've worked side by side with beautiful people from India, Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, the Phillipines, Australia, England, Scotland, Germany, Africa, Ukraine, and Poland... I've been to shisha cafes and local souks and spice markets that were lifted right off the pages of some exotic tale from the Arabian Nights...I've lived amongst the Kuwaiti's and witnessed their beauty and their naivete and their harshness and been intrigued by their bedouin habits (good and bad). I've seen and been apalled by racism and misogyny the likes of which I hope I never encounter again anywhere.  And with that, I have felt utterly helpless because this quite simply isn't the place to be THAT American and try to take a stand and fight for what you believe in.  That will land you squarely in jail and whatever else that might entail without exception.  I think my powers for good will be better served elsewhere.

I've seen how people live in a country with seemingly unlimited monetary resources and been amazed at how they are satisfied to have so much and still have no idea how to keep the place clean or how to enforce traffic laws or how to keep their children safe in cars with child seats (or even seatbelts!).  I've seen children on dashboards, or in the rear windows climbing all over the place while mommy is talking on the phone and darting in and out of traffic.  They all say, "Insha'Allah".  If Allah wills. God willing. The explanation for taking no precautions of any kind with safety, security, etc. boils down to Insha'Allah. It boggles the reasonable mind. Vive la cultural difference!

I came here with the remains of a broken heart, and have literally marveled as it healed and grew back stronger and more whole until the memory faded almost completely and sheer relief set in to replace it. I got my groove back...my Micheleness, the me that I always have been but had been really kind of putting on a back burner for YEARS to try to be what someone else wanted. Perish the thought of that ever happening again.

I came with a happy sense of adventure and peace  and wonder...and leave with the addition of a renewed sense of self and meaning and wisdom that I would not trade for anything whatsoever. Like I said, I am a lucky somebody.

I have run in the desert.  I have seen camels chasing cars because stupid Americans fed them sticky buns.  I have seen a girl with a monkey walk into a Starbucks.  I have run along the coast of the Persian Gulf.  Completely and utterly sublime. I have spent months in temps above 125 degrees F... and had the most marvelous view one could ask for right outside my bedroom window every single day.  I have witnessed moonrises and sunrises the likes of which I have NEVER seen anywhere.  I will miss those the most.  And the air here..it smells like warm, spicy, sugar.  Enchanting. Unless you are near one of the sewage areas.  Then it takes your breath away in the most unappealing fashion. 

The most amazing experiences have been with the people.  The people here.  Unforgettable.  And the people out there.  You.  My friends and family from around the globe across timezones.  You have inspired me.  You've given me new books to read...movies to watch...ideas to ponder...new music to add to my life soundtrack...sent me care packages, birthday wishes, light and love, laughs - lots and lots of laughs...you've managed to make me feel missed and loved and hugged from across an ocean and a continent or two.  Admissions of high school crushes, a marriage proposal (don't worry, I'm not holding you to that!), political and philosophical arguments, offers for dates and drinks and friendships and a beautiful fantasy or two. 

I've even managed to fall a bit for one of you. Something I didn't even know I could still do.  Sometimes it is all in the timing. . Ah, well, c'est la vie - no matter either way.  It was lovely for a while and I will take it with me and always smile and always remember the way it felt and the way you made me feel. Beautiful. Desired. Understood. Interesting. Alive. If ever our paths cross again, I shall be nothing short of delighted. You awakened something I thought long dead, Professor.  I love you for free.

I leave Kuwait with beautiful memories, the adventure of a lifetime, with peace and love and stillness in my soul.  I leave with gratitude for the experience and with a powerful feeling of contentment for the present moment.  The next adventure is just around the corner, and I'm ready and open for it.  Come along with, if your spirit wills it.

Ma'salaama, my friends.  Shukran.