Hungering...

Lately... Well, for quite some time really...since well before my divorce, I have discovered I have been hungering for something...yes, hungering. It seems to be the only word that fits.

"Craving" doesn't do it justice, nor does "wanting" or "desiring"' and most certainly not "needing"...not even "driven".

But "hungering"...yes, hungering does the trick...epitomizes the feeling, the pull I feel and evokes just the right amount of recognition at the soul level when I say it. When I write it. When I utter it silently to myself. Hunger.

My life has really always been about hunger and in many cases curtailing it. Maybe putting my own needs and desires aside for someone else's - and to be honest and totally frank, to conform to society.

And that's just it!!!!! I've never conformed to society or fit the status quo...even when I WAS the status quo, it wasn't me. It didn't feel right. I didn't recognize myself. I wanted to be who YOU wanted me to be...YOU being whomever would give me the love and acceptance I craved (yes, craved fits here) as a child. And sure, that provided for some normalcy for a while...but that's boring.

I'm interested in finding out what makes people tick..what makes ME tick...and why. Why do we tick? Or why do some of us tick and some of us tock and others never quite seem to be in sync with anything? This is interesting to me.

I have a hunger, and it is insatiable. For discovery. For adventure. For exploration. For good. For love. For connection. For learning. For sharing For carving out my own niche in the world. For the extraordinary. And no, I don't mean some unattainable mountain in the sky that no one can ever reach...and I don't mean that I need to see fireworks and explosions in every situation or encounter. That's just the thing...for me, the simple, the beautiful quiet and color of the world and the people in it are enough for me. I just want to know them and to help maybe on some level. I'm not really sure how, I always wanted to join the Peace Corps. That may be the ticket. Maybe writing. Maybe recruiting. Maybe becoming that National Geographic photographer (or just pretending I am)...very large note to self...must invest in a better camera.

So to do all this, I figure I have to know what I am passionate about. That's easy for me. Truth. What's real. Heart stopping moments, things that make a difference. Sometimes it's just a burger made with truffles and foie gras (no kidding, try it. Unfucking-believable.

I'll tell you what I'm tired of though. Insincerity. Lack of follow through. Passive aggressive bullshit. Do or do not, there is no try. Say what you mean and mean what you say and realize life is no fairy tale and neither is love. Both are what you make them. And both require some nurturing and attention. Watering with intent, if you will. Remember, what you feed will grow. What you neglect will die.

Or make it more personal and give it responsibility and say " what I feed will grow...and what I neglect will die".

I'm not even sure what this blog is about, but I've been restless for several years now and part of it stems from not listening to my passion, my joie de vivre, my bliss, my "micheleness", my path...and quite frankly, it's time. Well past time.

What I know is this... I'm happiest when I am true to myself (the good, the bad and the ugly). I am happiest when I am needed, relevant, and my senses and mind are engaged. I am at peace when I know love. And present-ness. And can clear out all the clutter of noise which seems to clamor for my attention like a jilted lover.

What I don't quite yet know is how to reach this state. Is it nirvana? My nirvana, perhaps. I know, I know- "be the mountain" is the advice I would find and hear if sought. And I also know the truth and wisdom of it. But somehow, being the mountain doesn't quite mesh with my hunger. Perhaps that's my key? Finding a way to just "be" with my hunger and see where it leads me.

I'll let ya know how it works out. Thanks for the company.