Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray

Mother.  Mommy.  Mom.  Mama.  Ma.  A very interesting word that conjures up visions of homemade chocolate chip pancakes, band-aids on scraped knees, a peaceful countenance in a rocking chair, a tissue and a hug to wipe your tears, and the complete and total knowledge that this warm and loving woman will be in your life forever and be a source of unconditional love for you.  She will accept you no matter what...teach you right from wrong...support your dreams...and listen to them...make sure you are always fed, show you the wonders of the world in your own backyard, push you on the swing, pick you up and dust you off when you fall, make you apologize to others when you hurt their feelings, and bascially be there for you to weather life's storms, give you advice, correct you when necessary....a force of nature that you know will never, ever let you down.  She'd go without dinner to be sure you weren't hungry.  She'd give up anything to see you happy.  She'll shower your own children with grandmotherly love.  She'd take a bullet for you and fight to the death for you in the face of anyone or anything that threatened you.  And she'd never think twice about it.

If this is the kind of mother you had, or something close to it - consider yourself among the richest of beings on this planet.  That is the vision I have of mother and always have.  It is the vision I tricked myself into believing I had and the relationship I would or could have if I could just be a better daughter. 

...If only I was just good. 

...If only I was enough.

...If only I was worthy of love.

...If I could make my mother stop crying. Or screaming.  Or beating.  Or calling me names.  If only I were better.

Yes, the latter is the mother I grew up with, and yes, that pretty much sucks, but this post isn't about that.  This post is about three very special women in my life.  This post is about how lucky I am.  This post is about unconditional love and unexpected gifts from the universe that can happen even when you think you are all grown up.  This post is about how happy I am and have become.  How whole.  How worthy.  How good.  How enough.

My grandmothers were with me for most of my life and were a source of respite from the cold, harsh, cruelty of my mother.  They were certainly not perfect, but they treated me with love and care and without judgment.  Yes, they disciplined me.  They told me no.  They got angry when I acted out.  But they always and without fail came from a place of love and it showed.  When weekends rolled around, I wanted to be with my grandmothers.  There was good food and peace and quiet and books to read, pictures to look at, gardens to explore, and healing that could take place while under their protection. 

My grandmothers, Ella and Ora, quite literally saved my life.  I do not know how I would have made it without them.  They attended my college graduation and wouldn't have missed it.  (my own mother didn't attend.)  They listened, offered their best advice, helped me when they could, wrote me letters and told me that I was good.  And that I could do anything I wanted.  I had no idea what that was and still don't.  Once upon a time, I wanted to be a doctor.  Now, I think I just want to be happy.  And at peace.  And in love. Either with another human being or the whole world or both. 

They have both passed on now and I miss them every day.  Lovely, wonderful, amazing, flawed, good and caring souls.  Mimi and Grandma,  I love you both. Thank you for believing in me and for loving me like a mother and a grandmother wrapped into one.  And thank you for protecting me whenever you could. Thank you for taking me in almost every weekend of my child life.

I've learned so much these past decades and one of the gifts I have discovered is that you really can have just about anything you want and if you put focus and energy into it and send it out into the universe, it quite often will manifest for you. And I'm really not kidding.  I have gotten nearly everything I ever said or thought or dreamed I wanted.  Not usually in the moment I want it, but when the time was right.  The trick is to be open to it, not have any preconceived notions or formulas for it, and to be able to recognize it when it comes.  And when it comes - ACCEPT it.

I spent countless days, nights, years, wishing and hoping and praying that someday my "real" mother would come and get me.  You know, because I couldn't quite fathom that I was supposed to be with the woman I grew up with.  If you'd read any previous posts, you know some of the story.  It doesn't bear repeating or rehashing. And this isn't a "feel sorry for me" story either.  This is a tale of what can be.  For anyone. 

It just was.  It isn't anymore.  Life is now what I make it.  What I choose.  What I believe.  And I've found once I stopped telling myself the stories of unworthiness and unlovableness and sadness that I found myself to be quite worthy, lovable and happy.  At peace even.  And that is A M A Z I N G . And so freeing!

Fast forward to one day, later in my life, well after college and my first job and my first (and even second) marriage - I found my real mother.  Or she found me.  Or we found each other.  I don't even remember how it started.  I just know that one day I realized that I belonged to her and she belonged to me and she brought with her the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.  (You do realize, don't you - that love and acceptance are key and if you have those, you're pretty much golden - right?).

My real mother, my cosmic tribe leader, my "don't need to be blood" matriarch...brought with her an amazing family. Sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, dogs...a place to go for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, 4th of July, birthdays, Saturdays...any days.  No, not a PLACE, actually....a HOME.  And all those new family members?  They came with love and acceptance too.  And the "we belong to each other" vibe.  My cosmic tribe.  As good or better than if I had been born into their family and raised with them from birth.

So Kate, my dear ridiculously smart, funny, beautiful, witty, opinionated, passionate, loving, welcoming, accepting friend...I will say what I have said to you many times before...I am a lucky somebody. 

You rescued me again when I didn't even realize I needed rescuing.  You didn't let me get away with not listening to the fact that I owed it to myself to not settle for anything less than a life, and a "me", and a world, and relationships that are worthy of ME. 

You show me beauty, and humility, and courage, and forgiveness and tenacity.  Protection and appreciation, and strength.  Grace. You remind me what it is to be me.  And you make sure every day that I don't forget it again.  You saved my life and let me fly to figure it out on my own in Roanoke and in Kuwait and you welcomed me back again when I was finished.  You continue to give me just the right amount of support and skepticism when I come up with new romance or travel ideas - or travel with romance....You grill me, you advise me, you worry for me, you shake me when I need shaking, and you care for me and about me. 

Most of all, and above all else... you love me.  And you accept me... at the end of it all, of every day, no matter what.  The powerful honor and debt and awe that I owe to the universe for this gift is in the forefront of my mind every single day. 

Happy Mother's Day, Kate ( few days early).  I love you with the love of a cherished daughter.  And yes, I am a lucky, lucky somebody. 

I hope you all have a "Kate" in your life.  And if you do, then be sure to maintain the karmic balance and be a "Kate" in someone else's life. 

And I hope you all realize and know that you are enough. You are worthy.  You are loved.  And you are accepted. I believe in you.  All of you.

I also believe that a Peter Pan like wonder and openness to the magic the world has to offer will make your life (and your heart) a beautiful place.

and yes, I do still believe in fairies, I do, I do.