My father died...today.

Prepare yourselves...this is going to be one of those totally self serving (which of my blogs aren't?)...I'm trying to work things out and through (ditto)...it may be full of drivel, it may speak to you, I have no idea, but I am writing because I have to so here goes....

My father died tonight.

Paul Douglas Musselwhite.  Born April 23, 1943. Died September 12, 2012.
Red Haired (fairly snowy for the past decade or so)
Green eyes just like mine
Too large lips...just like mine.
Cheekbones.  Facial features...fair skin and freckles - just like mine.

Judgmental. Lonely. Cantankerous. Unforgiving. Pretty intelligent. Really funny when he let himself go. Always thinking.  Always trying to heal himself or purge himself - not sure which and just never knowing how.  Full of anger. Sadness. Hurt. Betrayal. Misunderstanding. Wishes. Dissatisfaction.



Father of 3 or 4. 

• His first son, Paul Douglas Musselwhite, Jr.  Died after about 2 hours after a premature birth.
• Second child. A daughter...Paige Denise Musselwhite.  Died at 1 year old.  Down's Syndrome baby. Had double pneumonia at death.  What is double pneumonia? I don't even know. My middle name is Paige. I was named for her.
• Child number 3, daughter number 2....Me - not dead.  I did have Scarlet Fever and legend has it that I almost died...but here I am...and sadly, we all will die sometime.
• 4th child and daughter of questionable paternity...Heather Gabrielle Musselwhite.  Rumored to not belong to him.  I don't know. I wasn't there. I don't care. Thalidimide baby. Died at 7 months after several open heart surgeries.  Plagued with numerous birth defects as thalidimide babies were.  Remember people...miracle drugs are not miracles.  

I love them all and spent most of my life grateful that they didn't live to grow up in the loveless place I grew up.  Is that awful?  It's true. Awful or not.

With that said...I can't even begin to tell you how fucking glad I am to be here, but let me just say that I am thrilled.  Ecstatic.  As I have mentioned on many occasions - completely and wildly in love with the world. 

So, Paul Douglas Musselwhite, tonight I honor you.  I thank you. I salute you.  I am beholden to you. I am sipping a glass of wine in your honor.  Ok, so I have had two.  Your legacy of alcohol is not one I wish to mimic, so hopefully I'll stop before the bottle is empty. But, really, Daddy,  I am so very thankful for my existence and so very, truly, deeply sorry that I was not able to be there when you crossed over into wherever tonight. Maybe you didn't know what being a dad was about.  But, there were a lot of things about you that were pretty damn cool.

I guess it was today for you, when you died.  For me, it was around 747PM.  That was the timestamp on the text from my wonderful, giving, loving, selfless cousin, Karen who was with you when you slipped out.  (oh yeah, she's your niece, of course you know who she is).

Gratitude forever and ever, Karen.  That you were there and he did not have to die alone is a beautiful incredible act of humanity and beauty and love that I will never forget and a debt we know I can never repay.  I love you forever, "Asian me". Namaste. 

What else do I say? 

In the middle of the night last night, I received a call from the lovely and Scottish Dr. McQuiston, who has faithfully called me several times a day to update me and has answered her phone, time zones be damned, any time I have called her to check in on my dad.

It was she who called me tonight as I had just entered the taxi leaving my beloved Wednesday night - Yoga in the Park with my beautiful being-of-light friend, Neli. By my calculations, my father passed away about 15 minutes into our yoga session.  I'd like to say I felt his energy pass through me as he entered the next realm.  No safer place to be than yoga when something like that happens.

I can only say that I felt particularly focused and present and in the yoga tonight in a way I wish I were always.  There were no distractions...even the bugs that crawled over my hands and near my neck in savasana didn't distract me as they usually do.  So, maybe that was part of it.  I'm not sure. Maybe my energy knew.  I think so.  I do.

What I am sure of is this, and I need you, implore and beg you...to lean in and listen close.

Holding on to anger is bullshit.

Fear is a mindfuck.

Self doubt - more of a mindfuck.

Denial of forgiveness of people trying to make amends...ditto.

Not forgiving yourself.  A complete and utter waste of your fucking, beautiful life. Please, for the love of all that is....forgive yourself.  It is ok.  More than ok.  It is primary. It will save your life.  It will bring you sanity. 

Self loathing - the most complete waste of your time and life - if you feel this in any capacity STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Please.  Pretty, pretty please.

Grudges...bullshit.
Hate...utter unfounded,ridiculous, unserving, will-only-lead-to-your-demise-and-despair - bullshit.
So bigotry, prejudice, misogyny and all you other ridiculous, spiteful and fear and self doubt based thoughts and feelings - step off now.  There is not now nor has there ever been a place for you in my world...and I will go so far as to say, it is time for you not to be in our world at all. 

Love, people.  Just, love.  Please stop any of the toxic thoughts or behaviors you are participating in or harboring (see above) and love a life that you and the planet deserve and can benefit from.  You can make it happen.  You can start today.  Just decide to.  Oh, please, won't you? Please?  

So, ok...I sit here completely riddled with guilt.  Feeling things I am not and was not prepared to feel.
I've spent my entire life fantasizing about that perfect father-daughter relationship and not even knowing my dad.  He never let me in.  Never let any of us in the family in.  The funny and, well, not so funny thing is that I think he wanted desperately to be understood...to be known.  He just didn't quite know how to get there.  It is not lost on me that I could have helped.  But he didn't want my help.

And no, lest ye think this is about me feeling sorry for myself - NO.  It isn't.  This is just a little truth. Reflections.  Maybe a few wishes and hopes...but at the end of the day, just a reminiscence and hopefully a reminder to you.  Each of you.  To love yourselves.  And to live your life.  To remain OPEN.  To say yes, sometimes when you want to say no.  To know when to quit and walk in love and light to preserve yourself. 

The nutshell version of the Musselwhite saga is that I was born. I lived.  My parents fought. My pops abused my mom physically. (sucks, but it's true)... They divorced.  During this time my mom lost 3 children and I was left to be the one to blame. (This is heavy and real.  DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN. It WILL screw them up for life.)  Love your children more than your pettiness and your need to cling to being a victim. It's ok to fall out of love with your partner and it's even ok to part with a spouse...but do so in love, and keep teaching your children how to love and forgive.  Don't teach them hate and bitterness and blame. I'm not kidding. They will eventually figure out that nothing is permanent, so it is loving to show them how to appreciate each moment and to have faith that new beautiful moments are always available to them. Damn, I shoulda had kids.  They'd be twisted little zen-warrior-poet-potty mouths. Maybe I'll adopt some yet.

But as for me and that stuff I went through, don't worry.  I'm ok.  I'm ridiculously lucky. I really am.  Don't know why.  I believe it is what I always say. Gratitude. Love. Choice... throw in some yoga, a fascination and love affair with life and the world...and I'm golden.  Really - truly, deeply, madly - GOLDEN.  I had some amazing teachers and influences early in life.

I call them Harriet McDonald, Anne Dorsey, Ella Musselwhite, Ora Burns, the Booker family, the Schuchards, Tonya and the Hornsby's, Amy Black and family, Mackey McDonald and his family, the Sinsley's, Susan Blackman, Mrs. Baucom, Rebecca Walters and her dad, Archie Walters and softball, volleyball, tennis, aerobics, swimming times with those folks...and exercise.  Solitude.  Long walks alone in the woods.  Learning to trust myself.  Learning to love myself.  Learning to forgive myself. 

The list of current day influencers continues and will hopefully unravel itself into some version of infinity.

I'm not sure how I could breathe without Kate, Letty, Holly, Ricky, Adam, Christine, Kevin, all your beautiful children!....

My Portugal loves - Peter, Sue, Kitt, Isabella, Lynn, Michelle, Erika, Nikita, Lisa, Mir, Iriske, Kathi, Agnes, Zahra, Sarah, Guy, Michael, Beth, Lisanne, Hannah, Georgina, Saskia, Rose...beautiful, magical, and amazing people....

My BMI family, who surely don't read this blog - Ed, Georgy, Brent, Tim, Craig, Shaun, JT, J-Lo, Salzie, Cwill, Stevens, Bobby....

But this isn't about me...

My father died today.

So many times I have imagined saying these words.  Not because I wished for it.  I didn't.  But simply because I knew it was inevitable and I wondered how I would feel when it happened considering our less than close relationship during my lifetime.

So, how do I feel?

I feel really, fucking sad.  Sad to have never gotten to know the man whose DNA and traits I share so predominantly - and whose personality traits I have more than I would like to admit. 

I feel loss.  Real loss.  I can't say missed opportunity - because I always tried.  Invited him to Christmas, Thanksgiving, weddings, graduations, summers, weekends, birthdays, 4ths' of July.  His answer always a firm and final "no". 

I planned to get on a plane tomorrow when they told me he would be around for several days and was transferring to hospice. So I do regret that did not happen as I got the news of his death about 3 hours after that conversation.  I live a minimum of about a 20 hour travel-flight time from merely landing in VA...so - it wasn't to be.

I never believed in that whole - things happen for a reason, or if things are meant to be, they will be.  But I have recently come to embrace and understand this way of thinking.

I met someone.  Not just "someone", but one of those someone's who make the whole past and future disappear. The "one" someone. The one who brings acceptance and peace and energy and understanding and utter calm to the table and makes everything make sense.  The one that I will not marry and have a white picket fence existence with and the one that makes none of that matter because my life has been tranformed just from knowing him.  He exists. I know.  That is enough.   Someone I'd like to know for the remainder of my days.  And someone I know without any doubt that I will love for all of those days. The one that makes me hear colors. Will we end up sitting in our unconventional rockers at age 102 and 100, gazing at a gorgeous sunset in Nepal or Costa Rica as we "break on through" and wrap up our earthly days in this lifetime? Well, I'd love to think so, but we all only ever have today. 

Repeat.  We only, EVER have today.

So, I have come to understand that if it is meant to be, it will be.  (we have to contribute to that energy for it to occur, I believe...word to the wise for those of you who think love grows unnourished.)  Whatever happens, happens. And will be accepted.  Appreciated.  And sown into my DNA and my soul.  Thank you, Outlaw. So very much gratitude. Come what may.

So...my father died today.   And with him, the hopes and dreams of the little girl I once was. But who knows? Without the experience  - I may not be who I am today.  And if you wonder who I am today, I'll tell you.  I'm happy.  I'm whole.  I am redundantly, in love with the whole world and with life.  And I blunder. I falter.  I mistake.  I will continue to do so.  But I am openly, gratefully, ridiculously, wildly, with every fiber in my being - in love with being alive.  And truly, deeply grateful for the gift of the life of the union that my father and my mother gave me. 

Love and peace to you, Daddy.  I know you never understood me or why I pushed so much.  Or understood what I was all about. (you're not alone there)....Or maybe you did.  I burn.  I burn with a flame and a fervor for understanding and learning and growth and compassion and love that I wish I could have shared with you.  I make no apologies for that. 

Wherever you are now...know that I love you and I thank you for making me.  And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me the best and only way that you knew how.  It was enough.  It. WAS. Enough.

I understand.  I get it. I love you back.  With a whole and unburdened heart.  Maybe someday I will write more about the horrors you witnessed growing up - and that you trusted me enough to share.  I'm sorry I was too young at times to really fully comprehend it all.  I get it. Now.  I do.  I love you.  I thank you.  I wish you peace, love, light, healing, forgiveness and utter bliss on your journey.  Dream well, Paul Musselwhite.  Take good care.  If you see Mimi, Gladys, Paul Jr., Heather and Paige - tell them I love them too and hug them for me. 

And hey, as I've always said,  I'm right here if you ever want to talk.  I'll just listen.  You say whatever you need.  No judgment. Just love.

Rest in peace, restless soul,  And I do, love you.  Always have. Always will.

And the rest of you.  I love you too.  And remember, We only ever have today. And let me tell you, THAT is something to truly be grateful for.