So, I'm at home in Williamsburg with my wonderful tribe of cosmic kin. It's been the most marvelous unplanned weekend in which I have been able to cram a whole lot of living and extraordinary time with my people I love. Tonight I am filled with gratitude for the unexpected trip and the opportunity to spend time with Holly and Kate for their birthdays, to curl up on the couch and watch Glee with my Abby...to share some sushi for breakfast with Jake...to spend a great night out with Letty, Holly, Ricky, Christine and Mary...to enjoy several beautiful long bikerides with Holls and Mary...to enjoy the gorgeous fall weather that can be found in Virginia this time of year...so very grateful.
But, the lovefest and whirlwind of fun stops tonight and the rollercoaster of undealt with emotions, other people's baggage and the very potent reminder of exactly why I chose a long time ago to walk into the healthy light and away from the crazy, twisted darkness that my biological family and their bizarro offspring seems enmeshed in begins...I realize that is neither kind, nor zen, but I'm a little less than peace, love and happiness at the moment.
Tomorrow will consist of a 7 hour drive to Asheville to meet with the funeral home to sign some papers before they can issue a death certifcate, which the doctor who pronounced him dead has 5 days to sign...only once it is signed can they cremate my dad, so I will be long gone and back in Abu Dhabi before any of that can happen. After the funeral home, I'll be heading to my dad's tiny old nicotine drenched single wide trailer, which I understand is infested with fleas...and which he has not kept clean...for years to dig through the very little that he had for the purpose of seeing if any of his clothes or furniture are salvagable enough to donate to the DAV...figure out if I can donate his vehicle without the title in my name or if getting such paperwork is doable within the 48 hour window I will have there.
While going through any records, if there are any, that my father may have left behind and making sure his utilities and internet are turned off, and that anyone he has debts with is notified of his passing...making sure his cat gets adopted and trying not to hope for some proof of unswerving love for his only child will be present somehow in pictures or in letter form...(pathetic, right? I know...I am taking baby steps and hoping for a return to zen soon)...I hope to reach some sort of peace and release and letting go of the relationship that has help me prisoner for a lifetime.
Angst, fear, not having idea what I am walking in to...they are threatening to overtake me. I mustn't let them.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear is gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (Frank Herbert - Dune) Great book, by the way, even if you don't like Sci-Fi - I recommend it!
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