Neediness in general, I have always found quite unattractive both in myself and in others. Everyone wants to be needed and likes being needed....I don't mean that kind - I mean the clingy, weird, psycho-needy thing that a lot of people do when they feel faced with imminent loss or pain. That kind of needy is no bueno.
But the every so often, pretty rare actually, time when I actually just want, nay NEED to be heard, and felt, and held (in the literal sense) because sometimes life really does just overwhelm...I don't know how to do it. How to ask for it. How to get there.
I wonder too if my "kumbaya, love is my religion, live in the moment, non attachment, no expectation" thing really boils down to a positive spin on my well conditioned sense of unworthiness. You know about unworthiness, don't you? I actually hope you don't, but I suspect many of you do.
Unworthiness....that destructive little voice that really is an enormous roar that lives inside some of us (me) that shout-whispers "don't ask for love....you can't...you aren't worthy." Now, I realize this statement is utterly ridiculous. Wrong. Backwards. The opposite of what is true and good and the path I need to be on.
Unworthiness. That thing I learned as a child trying to earn the love of my parents. That thing I feel when I look in the mirror and wish there was a prettier face staring back at me. A better figure...a smarter brain...a more efficient athlete...you know the drill...
Unworthiness. That unholy beast who dogs me relentlessly and sits on my shoulder filling my head with the kinds of soul crippling bullshit that I for a split second (or a few days) will buy into as I struggle to figure out exactly why I should be worthy of the things I want - or love - or need - or desire - crave, long for, thirst for, yearn for...
And then I remember. To breathe. To remember. To thank mother nature, god, the universe, the stars, my beautiful soul friends of whom there are few, but among those few - the truest and best out there. I struggle at these times because then I have to earnestly and sincerely put into practice those things that I say everyday to everyone else. Forgive yourself, M. Love yourself. Let it go. Let it be. Accept. Love. Just love.
It is all about vulnerability. We have taught ourselves and our offspring that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. That it is something to hide. Worse, yet - something to be ashamed of. I'm here to tell you, and I am still learning this myself...it isn't weakness. Vulnerability is courage. It is emotional risk. It is the key to stepping beyond and into creativity and love and into the open wide world of possibility. We have to put ourselves out there to get there, if you get my drift.
Shame is like fear, and you know I say fear is a "motherfucker" pardon the words. I heard someone say recently that shame is the swampland of the soul. Very true. Shame goes along with unworthiness. Add fear to this cocktail and you have a trifecta of personal spiritual disaster. We are conditioned to fear. To feel shame. To feel unworthy. To feel like we are not enough. This, THIS is what I so passionately want to help everyone to start to change and to realize that we ARE enough. You are. You are worthy. The fear can't hold you prisoner if you choose love. I don't have a magic pill for it, but I know with commitment to yourself, to love yourself, to forgive yourself, *(yes - my ever present iterations)...and keeping a little smile inside yourself all the time as you walk through the world goes so far towards making this all possible. Imagine what wonderful people we can create in ourselves and in our children when we make a conscious choice and habit of walking this way. Walking in self love and appreciation for our gifts and for the gift of life and the beautiful people around us?
Once more....Love, people. Just. Love. It's like a mantra to me...as is "it's not selfish, it's sanctuary"...
When times get rough, (and believe me, they WILL) when I feel myself vibrating at below sea level and standing outside watching myself I have to remember, again, to breathe. And I tell myself that I'm writing my story right along side Destiny. She may have ideas of her own, and really, all I want to do is help her saddle the horse and ride with her every day.
So...I'm struggling...and I'm asking myself to go easy on me...and to give me space to be, and to breathe and to figure out my path and the courage to just keep walking it - even if wishy washy self doubt and unworthiness knocks on my brow door. When that happens, I swing the door wide open and give that self doubt a great big hug, tell it I love it, and then get on with my work as a human. Loving and forgiving myself...you wanna know why? I'll tell you. Because I am worthy. And you? You are too. Worthy. Loved. and it's time you believe. I'll help you. And you can help me. That's really how this thing works.
And really, it is not selfish. It is sanctuary. I quite like that turn of phrase. If I accomplish nothing else in this world, I hope I can convince at least one of you that it really is not only OK to love yourself, it is primary. It is the first step to everything else. Love. Just love.
- "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." ~ Pema Chodron
thank you michele<3
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