I've moved to Wordpress

http://camelkarma.com

see you there....
tell your friends...
bring some inspiration...
sit with me on my imaginary porch and we'll have some tea, and a chat...

love, love and more love.

reality - sanity - insane reality...whatever, it's just truth

it's all bullshit
and it's all real.
and it's all real
and it's all bulllshit
and the only thing that matters...is that even though it is all bullshit and it is all real....is that you keep believing. and that I keep believing.  and that somewhere along the way - we speak our truth, imagined persecutory consequences be damned.

just.  speak. your. truth.

message to everyone, anyone, all ones, you, me, the universe.

why I write....the epiphany extends...

You know that feeling when you realize something that you have always known, but didn't know you knew? Or that you figured was just your "cross to bear" and you didn't know how to express it, change it, much less conceptualize it? Well, I do...

and that's where I am today. 

Sitting squarely back at the beginning, in the proverbial "ring of fire" chock full of fear butterflies, but I think a few of them might just be excitement butterflies...(the good kind).

So, how to encapsulate this in writing so that it makes sense and keep it short without telling too many stories...

hmmm...here goes -

So, I've done this struggle/dance with unworthiness all my life, right? Not good enough...not smart enough...not thin enough...not pretty enough...not nice enough...not interesting enough...not successful enough...not from the right family enough...teeth not white enough...add whatever "not enough" most resonates here and you can maybe understand where I am coming from. Or maybe you can't. Hopefully you can't.  

Because, that ridiculously negative slippery slope leads to thoughts like "I can't talk to that guy, because I'm not pretty and thin enough and besides - who would love me?"...or worse, and yes, it is worse...."oh great, someone just said they love me so I better marry them - I'll figure out if we are a match later..." (can you say, recipe for DOOM??)..or "I can't apply for this job because I'm not smart enough or experienced enough or talented enough and anyway why would they hire me?"..."I can't smile because I'm ugly..." "I can't draw because I'm not talented"... "I don't have the right clothes to go to that party...to go to that yoga class...to go on that date..."..."I can't do this because of that...." etc, etc, etc, till I wanna puke. ENOUGH!

I know, I know - you think I am all self-confidence, sunshiney, rainbow, yoga is my life and so I'm zen and happy and my world is perfect because I get to travel and I say all this positive stuff all the time....Or, you may think I am full of shit because I live outside of romantic relationship-land and off the grid outside my home country and rarely see the ones I love and am hiding from something.... Somewhere in the middle lies the truth. 

So, back to my actual point, as indicated in the post title "why I write"... It's so simple, I can't believe I hadn't properly realized it previously. 

I write because when I write - I speak my truth.  When I write, I express without fear.  Or sometimes with fear, but I overcome it. I don't hesitate. 

Yet, when I speak verbally, I seem to dwell in the land of limiting beliefs and fear.
I always hesitate. I always second guess myself.  I always fear.

I fear that noone will listen...or that what I say doesn't matter...or isn't interesting...or that I will say it wrong...or that I will be misunderstood...or that I'll say something that causes conflict and that conflict will make me lose the relationship with the person to whom I am speaking...or that I am not worthy... talk about your vicious cycles!

So.  I wanna be a life coach, eh?  A role where speaking out loud and with purpose and love and direction is required? A place where I have to deem myself worthy enough to not only listen to what you want to share with me, but to also share something in return that will hopefully help you find your answers? Yep - I do.  And I couldn't be more excited about it!! (I'm oxymoronic that way.)

Disclaimer...As a life coach in training, my intent and purpose is not to fix you...not to tell you what to do...not to tell you what is wrong with you...not to judge you...and not even to counsel you.  My hope and mission is to inspire you and to share with you some tools that I'm learning to help you heal yourself...and love yourself and for removing any of your own limiting beliefs and obstacles and maybe help you realize that the negative voice in your head, your fear, your inner lizard are all just stories you have learned to tell yourself and that you can counter those stories with brighter, more love serving stories that will then hopefully lead you to realize that you, too, are worthy...and that you do deserve to live the life that calls to you...and that loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and recognizing that we are all connected and capable of magic we have never ever dreamed of.   I think all of us think we are alone, and the truth is - we are never alone. We are love.  We are one. We are worthy. Really.  We are.

Believe me, I've cultivated a deep and personal relationship with my inner lizard, (I call her "Penelope, please" - yes, a  nod to Terence Trent D'arby) over the years and am fully aware of all her neurotic tendencies and irrational fears...and while I haven't quite reached the point where I can cuddle with her and I don't always immediately recognize when she is sitting on my shoulder fretting...I can laugh at her and play with her when I step back long enough to see that she is just worried about not being safe.  Not being loved.  Not being accepted.  Not being heard. 

Then, I can calmly exhale and assure her that she is always safe with me and always loved and accepted and heard by me and that all will always be well.  Because it will.  Sometimes, I imagine I can hear her little tiny lizard sigh and she actually sounds like those wondrous laughing geckos I am so in love with in Costa Rica, India and Thailand. Maybe that is why I am always so at peace in those countries.  Ahhhhhhhhh - sigggghhhhhh.

Quick tidy summary? Give yourself a break.  Love yourself to pieces. Embrace the magic of the other living beings around you.  Tell yourself some new and wonderful stories.  And do what makes your heart sing. Do what your truth tells you to do. Do it even if your loved ones think you can't. And remember, we are all in this together.

And as all my yoga teachers and my yoga mat remind me daily- practice, practice. All is coming.

Namaste, ya'll.

It's funny, but it's true...

Here I am. March 22. 2013. A time my younger mind could not conceive of.

I'm 45. I'm living in the Middle East. I'm traveling the world. (Sometimes). I'm doing my best to live my truth, every day. I have no relationship of the romantic kind. I don't care. If I have one again, it will be extraordinary. I've learned that I shouldn't and quite frankly won't settle for less. Because I found that. And anything less would be ridiculous. And pointless.

And, I've never been happier in my life.

Really.

I've been AS happy. But not happier. I dig bliss. I do.

I have no idea what is next. Where I'm going. Or sometimes, exactly who I am....but I am in love with the journey. And with me. And with the planet and the universe. And mirrors. And catalysts. Energy. Love. Starlight. Waters that glow. Auras that glow. Naps on beaches. Memories that enhance, and don't pollute.

Thanks for being with me on this ride. For hangin in from time to time. For reading. I have this feeling it just gets more extraordinary from here. It may be only something I see, or feel, or hear....but it will be real nonetheless.

Love, light and peace.
X's and O's. Saids. And unsaids.
~~~N a m a s t e ~~~

Mirrors

A lover asked his beloved,

Do you love yourself more than you love me?

Beloved replied, I have died to myself and I live for you.

I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,

I am present only for you.

I've forgotten all my learnings,

but from knowing you I've become a scholar.

I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.

I love myself...I love you.

I love you...I love myself.

Rumi

...miles to go before I sleep...

So, I just finished today's Life Coach class and have been inspired to write some stuff down, work some shit out and share it with the universe and all who wish to listen....

(Class is at 5PM Pacific time...which is 4AM Abu Dhabi time thanks to Daylight savings...which means I get up at 3AM to make coffee so that I am coherent enough to be present in class by 4AM...in case you were wildly curious about that.)

We have been going through a series of "Coach the Coach" practicums for the past 4 weeks and it never ceases to unsettle me, "a ha-moment" me, make me feel more connected and alternately disconnected from the world at the same time.  There is always something someone else is going through that resonates with me so personally and so deeply, that even if I am not the one speaking, I always walk away feeling cleansed and as if I have been coached....and also feeling like I still have a hellofa lot of work to do.  "miles to go before I sleep"...Remember that poem? Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening?  Robert Frost?

" the woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep."

I seem to vaguely remember a movie with Charles Bronson where this character kept making phone calls and repeating this line and it was sort of scary, suspenseful, thrillerey....Does anyone else remember that movie?  Hang on, I gotta Google it now....be right back...

(while you wait for me to come back, think of a happy song or a warm sunny day or a beautiful memory where it felt like falling in love or something...if you get so caught up you decide not to wait for me, SMILE, I will completely understand...)

Ohhhhhh, now I remember (post Google search)...the movie was called "Telefon".  1977.  I was 10 years old. And I loved Charles Bronson movies.  So, in a nutshell the movie has Bronson as a Russian Intelligence officer (because in those days, Russia was THE big evil that we were all taught to fear...). He is given a mission to kill 51 deepcover Russian agents living in the US. They are all programmed to respond to posthypnotic suggestion...Bronson is the good guy against Donald Pleasance's bad guy operative who calls these Russian operatives, says their Russian name, repeats the Robert Frost line above, which posthypnotically compels them to go blow up some critical American communications or military facility. So Bronson is supposed to kill them before they can receive the activating phone call that will send them into KGB vs US explosion-land. Lee Remick also plays a Russian agent who is assigned to kill Bronson after assisting him in killing all the others, but of course - she falls for him.  No spy movie would be complete without a little love story. So, not a great movie...but not a bad one either.  Good actors. Spy thriller type thing.  How did I get on this tangent, you ask? For whatever reason, whenever I think of the Frost poem, because of that movie, I hear Donald Pleasance' voice repeating the words...then I get an eerie feeling and then I don't remember if I like the poem or if I am afraid of it.  Conditioning.  That's how our brains work- for better or worse...through associations.  That is my association.  The movie and the lines haunt me in much the same way Marathon Man does...you know that scene?  The dentist torture scene? Dustin Hoffman, being tortured by the ex Nazi who kept asking "Is it safe?". He wants to know if he will be robbed when he retrieves some diamonds he has stashed in a safe deposit box. For some reason, this movie is actually what got me interested in running. 

Welcome to MY tangent-laden mind.

Anyway, I am pretty sure I didn't come here today to talk to you about Charles Bronson or Robert Frost, dental torture or what inspired me to start running...you may be astonished to know that I also did not come here to talk to you about love. Hoo-freaking-ray!!! Seriously, it gets so tedious sometimes, I get on my own nerves, so I share your pain and your eye rolls... (but thanks for continuing to read anyway.  I'll do my best not to make it a train wreck or Nascar pile up, even if that's what you came for.)

Ready? OK. 

So, as I was saying...I was in life coach class today and several people brought up the fear and self doubt and "am I good enough" type self limiting thoughts and beliefs around why they want to be a life coach.  Or why they are in a life coach class when they aren't so sure they are going to be any good at it and are now therefore questioning the substantial tuition investment in the course.  And THIS all resonated with me so deeply that I could feel my body actually humming.  (We talk about limiting beliefs, and not being afraid to suck, and recognizing that all the negative shit we tell ourselves all the time are just stories and that we can choose to tell ourselves a different story...we also talk about how emotions and every day tasks show themselves in our bodies...you know, the gut feeling you get about a decision you need to make...or the ache in your heart when something painful happens...that choking feeling you get when you want to speak but can't, butterflies when you're scared, butterflies when you're in love...nausea when you're nervous...etc.)

The thing I didn't necessarily realize about life coach training, or maybe I did realize it, but I was thinking of it in a romantic-"Oh finally, I'm going to save the world!" excited and unfathomably naive kind of way before I started digging in...is that there is a lot, (and I mean A MOUNTAINOUS LOT) of self work and personal excavation and soul spelunking that will occur as a natural by product of going through the class.  This, in and of itself makes the entire class and investment worthwhile - even if I don't make life coaching a new vocation some day. It also means that during this process, said spelunking also causes regressions to old behaviors and insecurities and the old habitual self-sabotage that is just really going to need some addressing. (I'll get there...)

But, just because it's worthwhile...and just because it is amazing...and just because it is positively life changing...mind altering...chakra opening...heart depthening (is depthening a word? It seems appropriate here) and makes sense to me on levels I didn't know existed...does most assuredly not mean that it is easy.  Or even fun. (though, to be fair, some of it IS fun...or at least the end results will be).

And I'm here to tell you, it has not been and is not easy for me.  But that is good.  That means I'm growing...my soul is stretching...I'm being forced to face shit I haven't bothered to face yet and am finding shit to face that I had long ago forgotten existed. And at the end of it all, maybe my experiences and perspectives in life and healing and my unswerving belief in loving myself and my neverending message to you to love yourself....maybe all of this will help someone. Somewhere.  Somehow. Maybe more than one someone.  Right???

So, the question again - why do I want to life coach? Why did I sign up for this course? Who the hell do I think I am trying to become a healer? Why did the entire concept of life coaching speak to me so deeply when I first heard of it a decade ago that I felt as if it was an old friend tapping me on the shoulder to give me a shy hello, and then wrapping great big bear arms of welcome around me to tell me I'm home?  Why? Why indeed.  I suppose that is a partially rhetorical why with many unsaids and undefinables and yet to be definables.

But mostly - really, as sappy or airy fairy, touchy feely, new agey or whatever as it may sound....it is because for as long as I remember, and I can remember a long way back....I see people's pain.  Not only do I see it, but I FEEL it.  It is usually the first thing I notice in another human being. Not because I like it or I want to see them in pain...but because I have lived a life of deep intimacy with pain and I know it so well that I feel like there just simply has to be a way that I can help them through it.  Around it. Over it. To the other side of it into that beautiful land of acceptance and surrender and peace and love.  Roll your eyes if you want to.  Shake your head. Tell me I'm crazy and that I am living in a fantasy world.  You and my Lizard, Jan Brady can say this all you want, but I believe in the core of my being that if I have a purpose in life - - - it is to help people in some way and the best way I know how is to use what I know.  And what I know, is Pain. 

Rock bottom, soul wrenching, hopeless, despairing, unending pain that makes you want to either live under a rock or throw yourself off a mountain of rocks. And, while it is a journey I expect to be on for the rest of my life - I also know (or am learning) how to crawl out from under that rock...and how to strap on a hang-glider before jumping off that mountain.  I know fear.  I know its power to paralyze.  I know self punishment and self loathing stories that would make anyone want to cower in a cave forever.  And I know those things are lies. Lies I told myself.  Lies I may have been conditioned as a kid to believe.  Lies I have used as an excuse not to be better, do better, feel better.  Still, they are just lies.

I know too well how much easier it is to stay in a painful or uncomfortable place because it is familiar and I "know how to deal with that." But I also know the power of facing my demons, making friends with them instead of fighting them...inviting them to tea and then realizing they are just these old, tattered and sweet stuffed animals that really can't hurt me if I rename them and see them through the eyes of love instead of my fear goggles.  When I look at things, situations, people, anything - with love and light...I feel love and light.  And I see them as love and light.  When I look at them as monsters - they become things to fight or run from...things to fear...things to give me a reason to allow myself to keep telling myself I am powerless and I am a victim and "if only I could...", "if only he would...", "if only it was..." (insert wishful life bettering situation here) then everything would be ok. Fuck that. I'll take, love, please.  With a double side order of peace and joy. If my demons haven't killed me by now, it's a sure bet they aren't going to.  Yes, I will die someday, but not that way. Not in despair.  Not this soul spelunking warrior!

I know that heaven and hell exist right here on Earth.  And that you (and I) can access either one any time.  And we can choose which one to live in.  I've done my stint in hell, thanks. Today? Now? From here on out? You've heard  me say it before...I am completely in love with the whole wide world and find more reasons to deepen that connection every second.  The gratitude is overwhelming.  And it is cleansing. And healing.  And we are all connected...you, me, the guy down the street, the lady on the corner, the baby being born right now, the old man who just died, every flower, every animal, every single thing - C O N N E C T E D.  And because I know this is true...my passion is to help others find it to be true, too.

So, maybe I am crazy and living in a fantasy world...but this crazy-fantasy-driven woman is on a mission to share my crazy, fantasy world with you.  Why? Because it's lovely here.  Come sit on my porch (couch), put your feet up, take a deep breath, and rest. It's time.  You are safe here. 

This.

pretty little epiphany....

So, I'm 45.  How the hell did I get here?

Not even remotely where I imagined I would be when I got to this age. As a kid, I thought 45 was ancient and near death (now I plan to live till I'm 100, at least). I imagined I would have 2 kids, an incredible career as a doctor or a journalist (because those two are so closely related...insert ironic remark here), a wonderful loving husband...though I had no idea what that would actually look like.  My high school boyfriend, I supposed....luckily that didn't work out. 

In fact, none of it did. 

No kids of my own...(though I had the honor and joy of having two teenage boys in my life for a bit in my role as their stepmom.)

I certainly did not become a doctor, (I think my plan was to cure cancer)...but I am working my way towards being a healer of some kind. (at least that is what I hope I am doing and becoming.)

...and I've no husband, though I've given that a go more than once.

But, really, though I couldn't have ever imagined the life I am living, I now couldn't imagine myself anywhere else.  Well, ok - that isn't true - because I can IMAGINE myself in lots of places and often do.  Africa comes to mind and keeps showing itself to me in many ways. As does Costa Rica, always....when I think of the US, I think of Virginia...and then of the Pacific Northwest, even California.  Bali...oh Bali...I'm supposed to visit you in April and even have a ticket purchased, but find myself looking for other magical places, so I feel it may not yet be our time...Italy, Spain, Greece, Cyprus, Jordan, Amsterdam, Norway, Sweden...I want to swim in all of you and know you intimately. Ahhhh, ahem...I'm digressing, aren't I? Apologies for making you walk around in my fantasy whilst in the middle of a story that most certainly has a point.  Or does it? Doesn't matter..what matters is the writing and expressing of it. 

Or more accurately - the LIVING of it. Yes.  THAT. IS. WHAT. MATTERS.

So, I'm 45...still writing about, thinking about, learning about, dreaming about, wishing for, looking for....my Love. Yes, the capital L, kind.  The one true, twin flame, split apart, etc... Yes, I am aware that this is my problem, and my downfall and may well be my undoing, but it just gets sweeter every time, so I can either be at peace in the knowledge that I have known the pinnacle (and I may have and that is truly beautiful and ok) or realize that whatever is next is going to be seriously astounding-knock my socks off-rock my world-blow my mind-turn my world upside down-alter my reality AMAZING.  That's what I figured out love is anyway...the real kind....all the way out here in the desert, in the heat of the Ramadan sun and by the light of the Eid stars. So, really, I'm good with that.

And I'm telling this all to my blog, because the unfortunate thing that comes with being 45 and single is the less than positive reaction from friends and family every time I mention a possible date, or any new hint of romance. They sigh, either literally or figuratively roll their eyes, some of them actually don't even reply at all as if I haven't spoken out loud because they simply do not want to talk about it.  I guess they are thinking "here she goes again"..."oh boy, what's THIS one going to be like?"...."she can't seem to stay in a relationship for any real length of time, so why does she bother?"... A couple have even gone so far as to say they just worry because they question my choices because I seem to keep making such bad ones.  Several seem to have determined that I will not find love, so I should just enjoy the ability to be a cougar and have lots of sexual  trysts with men half my age and become some sort of femme fatale or instructress to the young. The whole thought of embodying the cougar moniker makes me sad.  I have absolutely no desire to do that.  In other words, ewwwww!!

...and so to that all of that and all of them, I say "Poppycock"! (sounds nicer than "Bullshit")

You see, what I love about me and my heroine's saga for life, for love...is that I never, ever give up.  And that I remain open...and that each new experience is exactly that - NEW. And better. Not flavored with the past.  Not jaded.  Not judging. Not comparing. Because I really do learn.  My relationships, whether I left them or they left me, have been paths to growth for me...for self understanding and evolution...hence for understanding of others as well.  I see the life and path that I have been traveling, though admittedly very difficult at times, to be a rare and beautiful gift. I've always been able to leave the other person from the relationship in a better place than when we met.  I think that is my natural modus operandi of sorts that I can help others see what holds them back, what keeps them from fully becoming who they want to be...what they are missing, what they need to make themselves happy.  I used to be sort of surprised every time I realized this happened, and now I guess I am starting to see it as the gift that it truly is.  So, maybe this life coaching thing really is for me, no matter how much I think I might suck at it right now. (Our Life Coach Guru, Martha Beck, and her Master Coaches all share the same mantra...which is "Don't be afraid to suck".  Because that is what holds us back sometimes...and if we suck, we learn, and we pick ourselves up and start all over again, a little wiser...)  Sounds like a self help guide for fledgling vampires...but it is good advice.

And today, this moment, right now...I'm remembering to be grateful. For everything.  Every experience.  Every lesson.  Every heartbreak.  Every failure. Every setback. Every seemingly insurmountable mountain. Every shattered illusion.

 ....and I have realized I am in love. Again.  No, not with anyone new...just the only person that matters. Me.  And the whole entire world.  So I guess that means all of you. xo

Love reminded me that "truly being loved by another gives us permission and makes it ok to love ourselves. Fully.  Allows us to see wholeness and radiance (which is there all the time). Our true nature. (Our essential selves). When we see ourselves like that, everything else becomes clearer. The fog of self doubt , insecurity and need fades away."

Further, that "love, (true love, not the lustful sort) and being loved by another is a mirror.  It's a mirror that reflects the truth in us, revealing to ourselves the beauty and goodness inherent within us, perhaps for the first time. Being loved is seeing ourselves.  And seeing ourselves clearly raises the curtains from our eyes, removing the filters that cause us to see the world in muted tones, that keeps the brilliant hidden. The simple, overlooked. And because we are humans with ego and needs, when love goes away, our reflection of our true selves disappears and we're plunged into darkness - (again). We lose sight of our true nature. and we yearn, we pine, we pain, we long for that mirror to return to help us see ourselves once again.  Love and being loved has nothing to do with being deserving, or finding the right one.  Being afraid of love has nothing to do with being heartbroken. Loss.  the phrase 'you hold the keys' is wrong...you hold the mirror.  We all do. "

{Above two paragraphs are borrowed words that speak to me...I take no credit, but did feel inspired to repeat.  Because inspiration begs to be shared...}

That message was freeing and a true gift.  When we lose love, (or tell ourselves that we have lost it, because really, love cannot be lost), we grieve and lose sight of that magic till we find something or someone to replace it with. This is not the answer. The love and those beautiful qualities are already in us.  We are each our own mirror. It's a great metaphor for looking inside ourselves for our answers, our truth, our love.   Or as Siddharta said  "Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without". I believe the same of love.  Seek love within, not without.  Or we can just simplify it down to "you gotta love yourself, girl, before anyone else is gonna love you."

And so, again...I'm still 45 (though it feels like I've been writing this post for years) and the mystery of how the hell I got here is inconsequential.  I have managed to accomplish all that I set out to do and then some...just maybe not in the conventional ways.

Instead of 2 kids, I have as many as I want...my beautiful nieces and nephews, kids in those orphanages in India we visited in December...kids I have yet to meet...your kids, the world's kids. And as a life coach in training with a passion and drive to heal not only myself but anyone else with wounds that need tending ---that doctor thing took a bit of a different twist...and one that I think I like better. The wonderful, loving husband? Well for me, I don't think he is going to come in physical form, so we can call that a metaphor...let's call it that whole, great big wide world that I am so in love with.  Or, if I do meet him, or rediscover him...he'll be in love with the whole, great big wide world too.  What an adventure we shall have!

Till then....I wish enormous buckets happiness, peace, love, and light to all of you.  You already have it right where you need it...inside.  Share it.  That's the secret to making it multiply, and world peace, and the universe, and......everything.

Nothing real is ever lost....

 

 

and the irony is....

that I am not through....(at least I hope not) but "I'm taking a hiatus with love until or unless something life-alteringly remarkable presents itself again" isn't quite as catchy or memorable...

I do so love this song...loved the way Woody Allen used it in "Everyone Says I Love You".

Have a listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2-7_Y0nFZY