So, does anyone remember a few months back when I said I had discovered the most profound love I could imagine and that I knew it was a risk and that my heart might get broken, but I didn't care? that it was worth the risk? That for me to truly love, I needed to love for free and only in doing so could I love entirely with my soul? Actually, I don't think I ever phrased it that way, but that fits...
To experience another human being that you can wholly be yourself with, warts and all...with no worry of being judged or awkward or less than...to know that you are accepted exactly as and for who you are because you are who you are...well, I am here to tell you that is priceless and rare and I have never, ever experienced it in a romantic context ever. Or any context really. No matter how much other people love you, they generally want to know that you fit into a certain container that defines you to them. We all do that, I think. And this is a disservice to ourselves and to our fellow humans because we never really truly get to experience each other...to know...to give each other space to just be.
So for me, to know there is someone on the planet that I can say ANYTHING to, share my darkest secrets and weaknesses with, admit my flaws, laugh my ass off with, love my soul out with, share silence with reverence and respect, and recognize that the very knowledge that they exist makes me come alive - well, that is fucking extraordinary. The closest I have ever come to that is my beautiful Williamsburg-Raleigh-Cali tribe. They are beautiful, amazing, accepting, giving, and I love them to the bone. They might think I'm a little weird, but they love me for it, even if they don't understand it. Damn, I dig that.
My heart has learned so much over the years with so much trial and error...(more error than not). And I couldn't be happier to be sad right now. Does that sound insane to anyone else? But really...if you have read any of my rambling stories, you know I skip to the beat of a different drum and that sometimes I piss you off because the shit I say that matters to me and that what I believe and say either scares you or resonates with you on some level that you don't want to admit to...or on the other hand you get it totally, because you have traveled through your own soul a little bit (or a lot) and you understand that the conventional, cookie cutteresque existence we've all been taught is the only way ISN'T the only way. You know I'm not everyone's cup of tea and you know I probably repeat myself an awful lot...but if you are reading - it means something to you on some level, so let me just say thank you, from the depths, for that. If you find yourself challenging yourself even a little bit and thinking about taking a leap of "fuck it, I'm alive, and I want to live every breath of my life like it is oxygen, because....IT IS." (should I have hyphenated or hashtagged that? Fuck it.)
And so, yeah....my well traveled heart is broken. Into tiny little pieces that upon breaking had no idea what to do with themselves and so they decided to stick together and whisper gently to remind me that I am the luckiest person on the planet and that I am filled to the rim, no...overflowing with gratitude. Endless rivers of gratitude that I can swim in and feel the stars and hear the colors and marvel at the unexpected phosphorescence and the orgasmic electricity channeled by shamanic healing that leaves me laughing through my tears.
So, you may be asking...if it was so damn profound and amazing and wonderful and all of that, then why is your heart broken? Why is it over? Are you delusional? Kidding yourself? In denial?
My answer, may not be as prolific as I would like it to be...and I will try not to make you roll your eyes by overusing cliches...but it all boils down to this (I think, but what the fuck do I know?)....I don't think any of us have any idea what we are doing here and we all live with fears and shadows and self hatred that we never share with anyone and that we maybe never even admit to ourselves.)
Was/Is it timing? Did it serve its purpose? I know all things are transient and all things change and all things end eventually. Except love. That kind of love. I believe THAT kind of love will remain as a beautiful healing energy that from time to time those who are most in need and are open to it, will receive little micro-reverberations to help them through a hard time. I truly do believe we are all connected. I believe a long term union from the short term union I experienced could actually give so much healing energy and power into the universe grid that the simple fact of knowing that it is possible gives me a phoenix-like resolve to keep going, keep loving, keep sharing and to keep believing.
And from that....I am just simply thrilled to my knickers to know that it exists. That THAT kind of love is possible for me. That my Outlaw exists. And that no matter what happens - it will all be ok. He opened my eyes, my heart, my soul...
My Outlaw and I may not be destined to be together (though, for the record, I'm a "fuck fate, I make my own destiny through my choices" kind of gal...but I do pay homage to whatever cosmic vibration, twin flame, inevitable energetic forces conspire to cause us to meet to begin with.)
But whether we never see each other again or realize that without the other, we cannot breathe....I will absolutely continue to live and love every day as if I were dying (because, every day should be a good day to die...if you do it right.)
And at the end of the day, as I said in the beginning...whether it has "forever" stamped on it, or "expired", it doesn't matter. Not an ounce of regret. Not a hint of it. I loved every second.
We all search for love and happiness and fulfillment and most of us maybe don't really have any idea what that is or how to recognize it if it happens upon us. (or I may just be projecting here...)
But the simple fact of the matter is, that I found the completely accepting, non-judgmental, no expectations-based, Outlaw, I love you for free....Deep. Profound. Beautiful. Soul-opening. Revealing. Growth Inspiring. Healing love that I have always dreamed of and assumed was simply not possible or real.
It was. It is. That is where I live. With the knowledge and the complete bliss it brings to my soul to know that YOU exist. With or without me. I love you for free. Love IS the ultimate outlaw. And it just won't adhere to any rules...and I've said it before, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Aid. Abet. Accomplice.
Accept. Acknowledge. Appreciate.
Oh, and - Love Yourself. Don't self depracate.. Try living from a place of YES. And gratitude. Lose the judgment. Say yes. Be open. Don't blame. (yourself OR others). Surrender is not a martyrous act. Is martyrous a word? I like it.... But no, surrender is zen. It is acceptance. It is trust. It is love. Give yourself to it. Believe in it. (when you do, it will believe in you back....i promise!!!).
Last - forgive yourself. Every single second of every single day until it becomes a natural way of moving in the world. You are beautiful. You are love. You are struggling because you have always been searching and the answers are coming to you and you don't know what to make of them. Don't worry about that. Accept yourself and forgive yourself and yes, LOVE yourself . Don't judge your emotions. Sit with them. Learn from them. But don't label yourself or belittle yourself because of them. Ever. Just be. Practice. It will get easier and one day, before you know it - it will just be habit. And then reality.
Everything will be ok. No matter what. Don't lose YOU along the way. Rise above the self loathing and self blame that is so easy to come by for all of us. That goes for all of you.
....and it goes without saying, but if you ever need to "come home", just close your eyes and click your heels three times...etc. etc. etc. Break on through...see you on the other side...bees knees-cat's pajamas-man who hung the moon....
Ramadan and Eid will FOREVER remain my favorite holidays. (Along with Thanksgiving with my peeps, who for the record, I really wish you could meet.)
I love you for free...
~Cricket
best blog yet!
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