what dreams may come...

Do you remember that beautiful movie with Robin Williams and Annabella Sciorra...What Dreams May Come?  When I first saw it back in the late 90's, I saw it on the big screen and I literally was so moved by the colors and the theme of the movie that I wept throughout most of it.  The colors...they were so magnified and rich and beautiful and bright and big that they touched me viscerally and I could barely breathe between sobs.  I am sorry for the other people in that audience, none of whom seemed to be affected by it the way I was.

To those who don't remember or didn't see the film, the nutshell version is that the movie was about death and rebirth, loss and grieving, love and soul mates, damnation and redemption, and ultimately reincarnation and finding your soul  mate/twin flame/whichever you'd like to call it - again for another life of beauty and wonder. The couple's children had been killed in a car accident and this sent them both into despair and unspeakable pain which almost destroyed their marriage, but didn't. On the way home for a celebration for not divorcing, William's character dies in a car crash...and ascends to heaven but doesn't know he is dead.  Sciorra's character tries to get through yet another tragic loss and then kills herself and descends to hell.  Not because she killed herself and was damned, but because on the other side (in this movie)...people create their own heaven or hell.  The state of mind Williams' character was in when he died was happy and hopeful and in love so his version of heaven is gloriously bright like a wet Monet painting that was done in psychedelically enhanced colors. Sciorra's character, Annie - is in a dark and twisted version of their home as she is in despair and doesn't even know who she is because that was how she felt when she killed herself.  Cut to a lot of heartwrenching scenes and dialogue and discoveries and in the end they save each other...both ascend to heaven, are reunited with their children and then ask to be reincarnated together so they can go and live again. It's astonishingly beautiful - much more than my words can convey.

I remember thinking at that time about my father...and my relationship (or lack of one) with him and how much I wanted there to be some wonderful, magical, loving memory filled history for us that could never be...  I think this had a lot to do with the sorrow...along with the stark and hollow realization that although I was married to my former lovely artist/surfer husband at the time, that I did not feel the "move heaven and earth" bond for him that Williams' and Sciorra's characters felt for each other  I was unhappy and unaware why. I cried a lot. I was angry a lot. I was conflicted. I was pretty deeply involved in my own demon slaying in 1998, and so at times it was very, very dark.  Dwelling on my childhood sorrows along with continuous regrets from decisions I had made along the way to take a career I didn't want because it was not my dream to be a catering director in the hotel business to my marriage to a man who seemed lost and unreachable...(I think I was the one who was lost and unreachable in retrospect.) did nothing but perpetuate what I saw as unsurmountable darkness.

From this time and for a few more years to come, I would continue to manifest my own darkness - because that is what I was focused on...I expected things to be shit and so they were. I blamed outside forces for my troubles.  I blamed my younger self...my parents, my choice of college and degree, former decisions involving money, relationships, exercise, you name it....the path I took instead of the path I felt I should have taken...I blamed Scott for not being what I wanted him to be instead of accepting him for who he was....I tried to embrace my marriage, but I was always, always resisting.  Resisting his family. Resisting acceptance.  Resisting my life.

This is a death knell, so you know.  For anyone else going through it- this can only end badly.  Now, fast forward for a moment to the present and I am certain that we were not compatible and have no regrets about the divorce.  And no real regrets at all because I learned so much about myself through that darkness at the time..things I NEEDED to learn, HAD to learn in order to get beyond it all. (though it would continue for many years through a third marriage to a man who introduced me to real darkness as I discovered new depths to my lifelong feelings of unworthiness which made me susceptible to the abuse, self doubt, self hate and general unhealthiness that relationship was wrought with from the start.)

But all of that eventually led me to the world of personal responsibility and light and healing and gratitude that I am so happy in now. (insert DEEP BREATH and great big squeal of glee here!!!).

So, the point of this post (there actually IS a point, believe it or not) is to remember how I found my way to living in a place of light.  By knowing the dark.  Becoming intimate with it.  Immersing myself in it.  And by continually observing myself in the situation and realizing at great long last that I could choose another path.  That I could leave the darkness behind.  That my very life depended on it.  That I could find real happiness, real peace, and real love.  Choice.  I saw how my own thoughts and acceptances and choices gave the universe permission to continue giving me more of the same...despair, self-loathing, guilt, blame, shame, etc. because I thought I deserved it.  I thought I was not worthy of the good things and that somehow - by accepting the darker things as my predetermined lot in life, that I was somehow martyring myself and hopefully atoning for some sin and could maybe get all the crap out of the way in this life to clear the way for something better in the next. 

Bullshit, ya'll.  Bullshit. Self induced martyrdom is nothing but self pity we try to color as a noble act of self sacrifice.  It isn't.  It's just self pity.  And as I have said about fear and shame in the past...self pity is ALSO a motherfucker.

I have discovered that this is NOT how it works.  Like the movie, I believe we are capable right here and and right now of creating our own Heaven or Hell on planet Earth.  I believe we are all walking around in our own versions of what we believe we deserve and how we view the world and the people in it.  Why do I believe this? Because I have done both. I have chosen both and know that it is entirely MY choice.  I used to live in Hell and accepted it as some deserved punishment, thinking it would prepare me for some earned Heaven.  Now?  I live in a world of beauty and good and magic...full of discovery and simple pleasures...adventures, fun and sometimes a little romance - bucketloads of love and oodles of gratitude. 

The romance, I am realizing, is with myself and I accept that it is within my power and choices to romance myself the way I see fit.  We really do have to love ourselves before anyone else can love us.  You all probably already get that and are rolling your eyes at my thematic repetition, but I am willing to bet that there are plenty out there who may be really great at putting on a brave face, but who live with a lot of self doubt which consequently leads to self sabotage.  Stop....now. You can. You're worthy. Believe it.

Lately, I have fallen off the wagon of self love and gratitude...and have found myself thinking and choosing self pity and doubt and I've seen my inner light turn quickly to dark almost over night.  I tell you this because it is important that you realize that though I talk all the time about my kumbaya-peace-love and yoga existence, that it really is that way only because and when I choose it.  And I have to take responsibility for that as well as for the downslide I am experiencing now.  No, scratch that... I'm not experiencing it. I am creating it.  And THAT, my friends - is bullshit. I'm also revealing it to you, so you can hold me accountable. So YOU can call bullshit if I don't turn it around. If I don't practice what I preach, so to speak.  But I will.  And I am.  Today. Starting right now. I accept my role in whatever shape my life takes and in whatever state of mind I find myself. I alone am responsible.  (And so are you...not for my state of mind, of course...but your own...you know what I mean...)

Sure, it's been a little tough of late....the theme has been loss and grief...the death of my father, the death of my childhood fantasy of having a relationship with him...the inevitable patterns of behavior and thoughts that can arise when being faced with places and people that are associated with those darker times...I'm reminded how very, very good I was at self sabotage. And it scares the hell out of me, because I do not want to go back there and I do not want to subject anyone else to that version of me. 

But the long and the short of it is that loss is subjective.  And grief can be healing or it can be destructive.  Again, the choice is ours.  Mine.  Yours. Everyone's. Nothing is permanent and death WILL come for all of us. We may never be ready for it, but as a beautiful spirit I know says "every day should be a good day to die".  (I think that should be a topic for another blog.)  If we believe that with all of our being and live our lives as if each day could be our last and walk in love and gratitude and acceptance of whatever comes...then every day WILL be a good day to die...and what could be better or more worthy of the beautiful gift of life that we have before us? 

It's a great big glorious world, people.  And there are some beautiful souls walking amongst us...some living a light and shiny life that inspires others, and others who are waiting and needing to be inspired.  Inspire them.  Inspire yourselves. Inspire me. Healing starts within.  And when we heal ourselves...we heal others...and when we heal others, we can heal the world. (and, no - I am not channeling a Michael Jackson song and am more than a little perturbed that just jumped into my mind....but I digress, as I am so good at digression...)

SO! Thanks for listening, reading, indulging....it's time for me to put my "big girl pants" back on and leave them on. Life is beautiful. And I am so thankful for all that I have seen and been able to experience.  So thankful for love, and forgiveness, and being.  It is enough.

Whether there is an afterlife or not, a celestial heaven or no, more lifetimes to be had....I know that I only get ONE shot at this life.  At this existence. In THIS world. And it is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

Let's act foolish and dance around in the moonlight banging on a drum and dancing by the fire and talk about esoteric things and love, peace and happiness. What's the point, otherwise?

Love, light and gratitude - friends. Make it a good day to die.