The depth of the wine glass is certainly not the issue, for certain. The issue is, the depth of the pain, the absence, the lost-ness and the path to figuring it out. And figuring out what it is I need to figure out. There are SO many things I need to discover, work on or maybe just let be.
If you've read this blog before, you know I am a searcher, a dreamer, a lover, a romantic of sorts...and you probably think (maybe) that I am all sunshine and roses...or if you know me better, you get that I pretend that this is the case....
The truth is....well, the truth is hard. The truth is dark. The truth is sometimes brutal. The truth is, that most of the time, I am quite simply just lost. Don't get me wrong. I believe everything I have told you and I feel with every cell in my body that love and forgiveness and peace and gratitude mixed with some childlike wonder and insatiable curiousity are the WAY. And I believe that yoga and meditation and doing good in the world will make that all the more attainable. Religion? God? No, thanks.
But, you must know I didn't arrive here in a magic pumpkin ready to take on the world and with all the answers in my back pocket. I would almost love if this were the case, but then, I wouldn't know anything - because it is the darkness and the unfortunate reality of a life which has given me the relentless and tenaciously optimistic love of it that I walk with every day.
The secret thing I struggle with and for whatever reason am choosing to share tonight...is that I don't have all the answers...I don't have any of the answers...(ok, so you already knew THAT, but work with me)...
When it comes to real relationships, real stuff...you know, the in person, in life, for real, day to day stuff...I don't have anything to actually provide proof of life that I know how to do it. I mean, I live in the middle east, alone, sans relationship, for crying out loud. No family, a few friends (over here, I mean)....and this supposed search that I am on. Well. Maybe I am missing out on what is important in life by merely avoiding it. Is that what I am doing? Some have said that to me. Some believe that. What anyone else says isn't important, but the reality of the question is important. IS that what I am doing? AM I avoiding actually living my life by living it in an alternate reality? I don't think so. I really don't. I hope not. But I do think that this time over here and the life I lead is very healing on a lot of levels. And I need a good portion of healing, it turns out.
Why? Why do I need such healing? What is different about me than anyone else? Am I too self indulgent - or is this in some way healthy? Do I care, what you think? Sure I do....won't change what I do utlimately...but I do care.
I realize that I have really yet to deal with, process, grieve or even properly think about my dad's death a month and a half ago. As well as many things I pretty much need to deal with that I have swept under the rug....I also realize that this is going to take a Tyrannosaurus size chunk out of my ass sooner or later if I don't deal with it. But how? How do I engage? I honestly have NO idea. I've spent my life without the outward love of either of my parents. If they felt or feel love for me, it was never conveyed nor translated to me, so for the life of me, I can't find the reference point.
But, I can tell you all with complete certainty that I felt and feel love for them. Often, in my life - I have questioned if I knew how to love or what love is - because they didn't necessarily teach me...but life has taught me and is teaching me. You, the people of this world, are teaching me. And it is true that I don't follow the religious beliefs that many have, but I still understand right and wrong and try my very best every day to live and love the truest and best life that I can. For me, the whole purpose is that we are all connected and we affect one another whether we intend to or not...and knowing that - I feel a responsibility, not on an obligatory level, but on a cellular level - that my purpose has to be a life that gives, or lightens, or connects and heals in some way. Otherwise, I keep my mouth shut.
So, what next? How do I get the grief to come? How do I figure out exactly how deeply I have buried it and exactly how to dig it out and give it some sunlight? It needs sunlight - and so do I. I'm guessing the only answer anyone might have for this is therapy. Ok, so what would a therapist say? How would THEY help me find the grief. What if I don't have any grief? Does that make me a monster?
I guess that is the question of the hour right now and just about all I have to say or give, but the wheels are turning...your thoughts and suggestions are welcome...
My plan at present is to keep living...keep my heart and mind and soul open and live in the light, practice my yoga- daily...meditate, love and forgive.... and if I don't figure out how to heal myself, then, well, I at least hope to try and figure out a way to help others heal themselves. We are all so hard on ourselves. I know this on such a personal and deep level. I bet you do, too. Maybe you don't give yourself permission to think about it often enough - or ever. I get that. But, sometimes, we need to be able to need. And right now, I am in a rare moment of needing to be able to need. Not "needy"....just wishing for a pair of strong arms and an unconditionally loving heart to enfold me and hold me for as long as is necessary? Too much to ask? Maybe...I guess that is why I have become so self sufficient and practiced at rescuing myself.
Want to know a secret? I really do just want to be held, sometimes. (like everybody else). And for someone to just tell me that it is going to be ok. My life may not be traditional and that may be by choice...but I am still flawfully human, and I'm cool with that. Still trying to work the rest out. I'll get there.
I said some time ago, I don't need someone to swim through shark infested waters for me...I just want someone to swim beside me, to play in the shallows and to navigate the darker depths with...maybe do the backstroke...laugh along the way...dream, share, explore and just do it all with absolute wonder and no judgment. You know...you be you, and I'll be me and that's enough....more than enough - it's the secret to everything.
Let's love each other - for free.
Love, light and healing - ya'll. Wisdom, comments, advice -always welcome. At the very, very least - thanks for reading. And indulging.
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