My Gut vs Logic Answer
I recently posted a poll on How do you know if someone is “the one”? How much of it is gut and how much logic?
It seems like by the responses, which you can catch on my FB page, most gravitated toward gut. When I was in my twenties, I would have agreed. I was on Team When You Know, You Just Know. I even believed in love at first sight. I know. Crazy. Then I went through therapy school, a divorce, and thousands of hours coaching people with their relationships. I dissected dynamics, explored attraction tracks, and my views began to change. I began to see attraction as more of a science than a feeling. I came up with a theory called Predator / Pray. Here it is below.
CHEMISTRY IS PREDICTABLE
Ever wonder why you always end up with the same type of person? Not hair color or height, I’m talking about behavior, attitude, spirit. Take two people. A girl that had something taken away from her as a child. Maybe her voice, self esteem, or her entire childhood. Mom was too busy numbing herself with television. Dad seemed “perfect”, except for his iron fist. Or there was no dad, only boyfriends that came and gone with the seasons. This little girl spends a lot of time alone or outside playing with boys, aggressive boys. She picks flowers, climbs trees, walks everywhere barefeet. She is free except when she comes home to screaming parents. Or worse, silent parents. She turns inward, locks her emotions in a box, and she blames herself for her dysfunctional family. This is your prey.
Then you have a boy. There is addiction in his family. Maybe not his parents, but his grandparents or even further up the gene tree. Where ever it started, the addict was an adult child, low emotional intelligence and surrounded by enablers. Drug of choice? Sex, gambling, alcohol, food? It doesn’t matter. Biology and the generational transmission process allowed the addiction to be passed down from branch to branch. On a budding leaf way down by the trunk sits our boy, angry, confused, and ready to pay it forward. As an adult he is impatient and impulsive with low self control. He will have a Venti size ego and no concept of rules or consequences. He will ignore or abuse you. He will smell familiar. He will break your heart, his face, and become a raging addict. Or not. But either way, he carries the addiction gene. He is what woman call a “bad boy”. This is your predator.
Now put the prey and predator in a room full of “normal” people at a party and see what happens. They will find each other by the end of the night. Their attraction is instinctive, animalistic, and subconscious. Now we have the perfect ingredients for a delicious dysfunctional relationship. Give them children and the cycle repeats itself. Again and again. This is attraction in it’s simplest form. But what separates us from animals is our ability to be self aware, to change ourselves inside out, hence changing behavior, and ultimately who we are attracted to. At the same time, we should not deny raw chemistry. Besides, there are too many predators and prey in this world. No child enters adulthood unscarred and you can throw a quarter and hit an addict. It’s just the world we live in. Also, we can’t avoid who we are inherently drawn to. But what we can do is be aware of where we are in our growth process, and their growth process. Meaning, if you’ve started the process of healing and you meet someone who has no self awareness, use protection.
Where are you in your inner journey? Find someone on the same path.
Only that road is yellow and made of bricks.
I also no longer believed in “the one”. I believed in the 1,000. I didn’t see how there could only be one person for you on a planet housing billions. You’ll come across many suitors and pick one that is right for you, depending on where you’re at in your life and what you’re looking for.
Today, I have shifted again. I believe it’s due to me being single and dating. When I was in a relationship, it was easy to pull from my left brain because I wasn’t looking for love. It allowed me to put on my lab coat and detach my feelings. In this state, I could take the scientific approach and ignore that part of me that believed in destiny and meeting “the one” when you least expect it on an empty subway train in the middle of the night with donut crumbs on the corners of your mouth.
But when you’re dating, you’re looking for magic. And I think it’s this desire, even if it’s just a small glimmer, that keeps us scouring the sand with our little metal detector. Logic tells us Santa Claus doesn’t exist but it’s Christmas and we want to open presents and roast marshmellows. I think it’s when we’ve given up on this magic that love becomes a giant math equation or a lease agreement. And I think that’s when we compromise. Maybe that’s why right now, as I’m trying this in my living room in my boxer shorts, I believe love and attraction is greater than logic. It’s what makes it so powerful, the fact that we can’t explain it or figure it out. Yes, we all have ideas of who we want to be with and we try to hold onto that picture with two tight hands but when we meet someone who blows our knee high socks off, even if it makes absolutely no sense, logic always taps out. That is a choice. I allow it.
So Gut vs Logic. If I was to pick one, today I choose to go with gut. I am very well aware that gut doesn’t hold a relationship together. I understand that building a relationship is an entirely different engine, one that requires logic. But before I pull that card, I want to feel the lightning in the bottle, the magical wash, being blindsided, because without it, relationships can just be a giant negotiation.
- Angry
The Angry Therapist (John Kim) is a pretty interesting, centered, work-in-progress of an introspective guy who wants to help you (and himself) in relationships and life. Check out his website, his Facebook page, his YouTube videos...you are not likely to regret it. He's got an approachable style and reaches the dudes and dudettes who are interested and willing to listen. In other words, he's got stuff to say and it's worthy.
Oh, and I'll keep my belief in magic and wonder, thank you. I have learned beyond argument that no matter how much I grow up, how much wisdom I acquire, how much I believe I have evolved...when it comes to matters of the heart --- I am 17 again, and I trust that love really is the answer. I'm good with that.
good stuff
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