Do-overs? None for me, thanks!

So, I've been dipping my toe into the international dating pool these past few months...and I have to say, it's a weird, wild, world out there, especially if you are weeks away from turning 45 and living in the Middle East as an American Expat who did NOT come here to relive my teenage years, or my twenties or even my thirties...yeesh. 

I wasn't interested in boys without substance who were pretty and wanted to do nothing but party all night then - and I am far less than interested in them now. They have no idea who they are, where they are going, what moves them or makes their lives meaningful,  they aren't trying to "become" and they certainly have no situational awareness about how to conduct themselves around a woman who actually values herself. (that is the sad state of the Abu Dhabi/Dubai/etc. dating pool - at least that i have encountered.)

This all sounds terribly jaded and judgmental and not at all what I want it to sound like, so I hope you will forgive and indulge me - especially if you have read me before.  I will have a point, at some point. Stick around and we'll figure out what that is together...

Briefest history recap: 2006 married. 2009 divorced.  (not my first marriage, as you all know, but it will be my last...not that I don't want a forever partnership...just don't need it to be a marriage)  Dude was a poor choice to say the least. No need to bash him...I made the choice.  My fault.  Meh - ya live and learn, right?  No regrets, because I cherish and treasure my Sam and my James.  Previously known as stepsons and now known as friends.  I think they are just marvelous and my life was made better for living with them and borrowing them for awhile. Gratitude. 

Cut to 2011.  Returned to US from Kuwait after a complete dry spell from dating...so consequently, dating became a mission of sorts.  I had some pretty sweet adventures in Ft. Lauderdale. The Hamptons, NYC, Scotland, the Outer Banks of NC, even Lumberton (go figure!) - all lovely or at least interesting fellas, but not the right match (or timing or insert other cliche here)...and then there was some sort of micro-romance right before I left for the UAE with an old friend.  We tried to make a go of the long distance thing...but truth be told (I don't really know what actually happened) I am assuming he had a little too much sadness or too many more oats to sow, but waiting to see me every couple of months wasn't his bag.  I can understand that.  It's a choice.  Everything is.

A little introspection, a lot of yoga, travel to France, London, Portugal (for a couple of lifechanging yoga retreats), running in the sunshine, walking, writing, more and more self-discovery and here I am.

I swore off romance entirely while in the Middle East after seeing what the single world here looked like.  It's either crazy Brit, Aussie, Irish, American, Filipino, Canadian, South African or Indian expats, who regardless of age - seem to think they are 18 year old boys who just got their driver's license and who have an uncle who can buy them beer.  No. Fucking. Thank. You.

And during this time, I've also managed to be bullied by local fellas from all nationalities who tell me I am too uptight (simply because I either politely decline their invitations or deflect their advances) I mean, if I turn you down, there MUST be something WRONG with ME, right? <smiles> ....I sat through a mindnumbing date for drinks with a guy who did nothing but talk about how demonic his ex wife was and how she was poisoning his kids (this may well be true, but word to the wise fellas...see a therapist...don't bring that shit on a date....).   I've talked to fellas in the US who wanted me to move to their town immediately in order to give them a go (um. no. thanks and no.  why is it all about YOU?).  I've had former lovers and boyfriends try to reengage in dialogue while they were clearly between liaisons with available women in their proximity who seemed to think it ok to try to invoke nostalgia in me, but weren't really interested in anything in the real world.

AND, I almost forgot!!! - a few days ago, I had a taxi driver interrogate me about whether I was here alone or with a husband or boyfriend.  When he was satisfied I was on my own, he told me that having a boyfriend would be good, and that he had three wives and 11 children, and that he liked me. At least I've got that to fall back on.  Wife #4 or concubine to the bizarro Pakistani cab driver.  The stuff that dreams are made of. Blech...sigh....

I have managed to find some positive (ok, surreal and amazing) experiences during my wade in the dating pool while here as well, so don't worry - it's not all comic horror stories...I've managed to encounter profound and one of a kind, unrepeatable beauty, love, light, kindred spirit, real, no-shit magic. What will it be tomorrow? Will it be tomorrow? Who knows? Who cares? It is. That's enough. (actually it's not, but I am practicing acceptance.  I need lots more practice. Sorry Universe. Patience and giving up are NOT my strong suits).

Unexpected manifestations of adventure and exploration seem to continually drop in my lap. Hints of the unexpected.  Potential romance? Maybe to challenge me. To test my resolve. To provide me with choices? To show me there are alternate paths? To give me hope? To show me there are new items on the ever-evolving menu of love? I don't know and I don't care. Just flowing with the river...it's pretty here.

My "unconscious" recently told me to "Follow the Path of Possibility...the Magic of Maybe...the Glory of Go-For-It, the Joy of Just-Do-It...the Wisdom of "Why Not"...." which is pretty much how I live my life anyway. (I'd like to add the "Freedom of Fuck-It", which of late has become a personal mantra.)

But, and here's the good news or the point... while there's been some seemingly bottomless pain through the years, some ambivalence, some hastily made "logical" decisions that didn't serve me, endless lessons (some that I had to learn and relearn and may still be relearning...)...trial, error, trial, error, trial...you get the point....at the end of it all (YES, this is my obligatory kumbaya wrap up!!)

At the end of it all (and it isn't the end, it's only the beginning - I truly believe that)... if you ask me would I change anything? do anything over? do anything differently? undo anything? not do anything? - my answer would be "NO".  I would go as far as to say "Hell No!"

I honestly wouldn't change anything. Not one ounce of pain. Not one agonizing puddle of tears. Not one repeated moment of weakness. Not one marriage. Not one childhood trauma. Not one heartbreak.  Not one mistake, failure, loss, nothing.  Because my life today? It is truly beyond anything I could have ever imagined growing up in small town North Carolina.  Or during my college days.  Or during any of my ventures into so called domestic bliss, or as a corporate cog in the wheel. 

This life, this wanna-be-gypsy-nomadic-hippie-love-IS-my-religion-truth-seeking-inner-peace-craving-twin-flame-believing-somehow, someway-I wanna-make-a-difference-in-the-world existence of mine is quite simply taking-my-breath-away-beautiful every single day. And I am SO grateful for every heartbeat.

Sure, there's still pain, loss, disappointment, mistakes, probably some bad choices in my life...always will be. I'm human. But they are mine.  I believe in living and loving with complete and total abandon and passion. And do you know what? I like that about me. 

And you? I hope you make the choices that make your life richer, brighter, more beautiful. And that you never stop being curious and seeking, learning, exploring - yourself, others, the world, your heart. Believe in yourself.  Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Make your mistakes.  Correct them.  Learn from them. Make it a good day to die.  Every day.

Love, people.  Just love.

And do follow the Path of Possibility...the Magic of Maybe...the Glory of Go-For-It, the Joy of Just-Do-It...the Wisdom of "Why Not"...Frolic in the Freedom of Fuck It.... there's magic and love and untold discoveries in it for you. Do it!

Closing thought...Me? As the planet's least balanced yogini, I've been advised to "use the planet, then, to balance me." That's deep, dog...deep.  (this theme to be explored in my next blog) --- now it's time to get ready for some kayaking, yoga, camping, yoga, kayaking...Arabic Holidays and 4 days weekends are the BEST, though this Eid will be noticably less romantic than last, it should still be beautiful with my yogi friends. And it will still involve time in a tent, so there's that...