Here's to life, moonlight, forgiveness, love, yoga and whatever happens...

So, it kind of goes without saying that I am on some sort of journey, right? I dig that.  I'm embracing it and loving most steps of the way.  I will tell you plainly and honestly now that I have absolutely NO idea what the journey is about, where it is headed, or what I am hoping for in an outcome.  Because really, I don't. 

When I first went to Kuwait, it was for adventure and escape...from the marriage forged in deceit, eggshell walking and nothing short of daily bizarreness.  When I left Kuwait, I did so with a song in my heart and a purpose and with renewed vitality and this feeling that I had somehow overcome the world and myself and my ego and my psyche and "watch out world, here I come."

Let me tell you how that worked out. (Fairly well, for the most part...complete with new lessons to learn and old lessons to remember.)

I arrived home in February of 2011.  I had a great job already arranged to work from home.  Home was with my amazing clan in Williamsburg. Can't begin to tell you how lucky I am to have them in my life and to be a part of theirs.  But.  I remained restless.  Maybe it was the time in the desert of Kuwait and the long days and weeks and the lack of any real outside stimulation that led me to begin cross country adventures upon my return.  My goal was solid.  I had a work from home job...I would do it and do it well and I travel and work from wherever I am.   Quite simply because I could.  And I did. 

I met a series of interesting post divorce male friends. (Post MY divorce, that is.)  That kitesurfing guy with the sailboat and anger issues...the professor-man writing a few books who introduced me to Scotland and the beautiful people I met there. The entrepeneur friend who cooks a mean sticky salmon and has a nice hurricane haven down in NC.  The man who as luck would have it, lived nearby enough, but the timing just seemed to be off with...but he and his wit, intelligence, lovable nerdiness and the undeniable connection felt during a long and platonic weekend in the OBX still leave me smiling and wondering.

Cut to wonderful weeklong visits with girlfriends....Kimba in NJ and all of her wonderful friends....Vikki in Kansas City and a wonderful, insightful time was had.  A few solo trips to the Outer Banks and Ocracoke Island.  A few to Corolla and a most needed and beautiful respite from the madness of trying to date in my 40's.  Long bike rides with Holly, more long bike rides with Holly and Mary...attempting to long distance train with Lori, Holly and Mary...(mm, hmm - a fitness theme here that led to an injury.  Don't overdo it folks...)  Beautiful nights on the deck with Letty and Christine and hubbies...cooking with Kate...movies with Abby and Jake and friends, neverending smiles and laughs with Izzy. It was a beautiful and wonderful time between Middle East gigs.

In short, I would not trade my time for anything.  And while it may sound like the backdrop for an incredible romance or two, it wasn't.  Or, maybe it was.  The beginning of a real romance with myself.  Someone I realized had been neglected for a long time and the lovely time spent with everyone further helped me to realize that I was the one who needed to romance me.  I was the one who needed me.  I was the one who needed my love and my acceptance and my forgiveness. 

After this realization, I walked away feeling relatively cocksure of myself and knowing without any doubt that I could take on anything...that I was fully actualized as a human being and whatever happened next was going to be fucking phenomenal.

Sooooo, you know what happens when we get that cocksure of ourselves...when we feel that indestructible and like NOTHING can fuck with us? Yeah, things fuck with us.  Not as some twisted fate vs. your ego come to teach you a lesson type thing....but more of a gentle reminder of who you are, what is what and to approach things with  a tad more humility and to remember .... let me say this LOUDER - to REMEMBER who we are and what we are doing here and what we want.  Who  I am.  What I am doing here and what I want.  Dig? Yeah.  It sucks for a bit, but it gets better.  So much better....

You may remember this romance thing I had with an old friend that I thought was the be all, end all.  You may also recall that it failed miserably.  And that he walked away without so much as a "it's not you, it's me".  It was,  I mean...flat on your face, teenage angsty miserableness.   How embarrasing at 44.  You'd think it would get easier.  You'd think the butterflies and nerves would go away and that somehow the senses would get honed and you'd basically have this beautiful zen approach to everything that couldn't go wrong because, you're golden, right? (for the sake of readability here, when I  say "you", I do mean moi.)  Silly, still haven't apparently learned a damn thing, moi.  That was the lesson he gave me.  To remember what I had forgotten and to remember to appreciate the me that I am and to not shapeshift to make myself into something I didn't want to be. I needed to remember it.  I needed to remember my purpose.  And my purpose is simply to go and see and be and experience what feeds me and makes my heart sing.  Not what someone else needs me to do or be.  Gratitude.  That's where I live.  It's pretty here. Join me?

And all of that is ok.  I can't be knocked down for too long.  Because I know a secret that a lot of people don't or won't accept.  I know all about change.  And acceptance.  And forgiveness. (Mostly of ourselves.  we are really the only ones we need to forgive, you know?)  It's true. (I've had lots of practice...expecting more...oh boy~)

And beyond all of that, I know about choice.  CHOICE.  You have heard me say it before.  Choice.  You, me, him, her, them, we, us....all pronouns----we have a choice.  A choice for anything.  A choice for happiness.   A choice for embracing life as a big magical wonder or seeing it as shit.  A choice for teaching our children to truly be better than us...better than others...not judgmental.  A choice to live out our hell on earth or our bliss....if you haven't been paying attention, I don't buy into the religion or afterlife dogma.  Maybe our energy recycles and we are reborn again and again...that makes sense to me...but that other stuff.  No thanks.  Not for me.  That is a topic for another blog, I'm sure.  (It is whatever you CHOOSE to believe it is, by the way.  Life.  The world.  Your circumstances.  Your state of mind.  Happiness. Love. Hate. Sadness.  Conspiracy.  Whatever....if that is lost on you...experiment with it.  What have you got to lose?  That is pretty much how I arrived at the knowledge that choice is everything.  Trial and error.  Starts and restarts.  Blame and remorse. Self battery and redemption. I figured out that my attitude and intention towards any given situation gave it life and that it could be light or dark. Definite turning point, that.

I now know and accept responsibility for all the good and the plentiful bad choices I have made in life.  And I know they were all on me. And I'm willing to shake my hand and let bygones be bygones for the misbegotten hope and wishes I had that led me to my own (temporary) downfall...and to my ultimate salvation. 

And with everything that has happened in my world...good, bad, ambiguous.....my life has remained phenomenal.  And gained in beauty and quite frankly, never ceases to amaze me.  In the past 8 months alone, I have taken another job in the Middle East, met some amazing expats from all over the world, as well as many emiratis who love their country with a pride that is inspiring....reconnected with old friends, lost a few friends, traveled to Park City for skiing, Tampa for misguided - albeit needing to be resolved ideals about love and romance, the South of France, where I met amazing people, drank incredible wine and plan to return soonest!...a yoga farm in Portugal, where I discovered that yoga was always a part of me and that it would, could and may continue to save my life...London - where I rediscovered rain, beauty, history and that people are not always what you think they are, but they are what they ARE....and that is perfectly as it should be.  Another two weeks in Portugal at the same aforementioned yoga farm where I was able to deepen my yoga practice, spend time with friends made before and discover new and beautiful friends, most of which I do not doubt will last a lifetime.  Things get pretty real at the yoga farm.  It isn't a fancy retreat that many of you have imagined it to be.  Not a luxury destination or a shopper's delight.  I have often laughed a bit at your descriptions to me of what you thought I must be up to in Portugal. If you only knew.  It was so, so, SO much more.    There are people that I have met there who have given me gifts I would never, ever have received otherwise.  Many of you, I have thanked or mentioned already.  A few others, I have not.  Indulge me for a moment, if you will....

Saskia.  You are a beautiful, shining ray of light whose voice I carry around with me in my head almost as much as Peter and Sue's.  Perhaps all that vipassana deepened and enabled your voice to travel on different wavelengths.  Whatever the cause, I am beyond grateful to have met you and to have spent time.  I've missed you every day since you left a few Wednesday's back.  Nice way to get out of the Primary Series!!! :) 

And Lynn from bonnie Scotland, who lives in Lisboa and designs our homes...you are amazing and one of the easiest to be around, gentlest, loveliest souls I have met.  More and more gratitude. 

Erika, you beautiful, ridiculously young yet wise for your age and curious spirit!!!! I hope you will go and see the world and continue to bask in its wonder and don't let other people define what you should be or do.  The rest of us have done that many times over.  Carve out your own way in the world.  For all of us - and most of all, and most importantly - for yourself. 

Isabella, I know I have paid you tribute many times.  You honor me simply with your friendship and your ear.  And with the gentle touch you approach the land, the food, and every soul you encounter.  It is humbling to know you.

Peter and Sue.  I love you both. Big time.  And on so many levels.  I don't even know how to put it into words adequately.  You've changed my life.  I know it is sort of your "thing" out there, but I don't know if you realize that you actually do REACH us and ever so slightly (or profoundly) change us and challenge us to change ourselves and show us a world that is more beautiful than we might have ever imagined.  The practice with both of you is something I miss each day...and hope to return to soonest! 

And Kitt, you are the most! Great big loving hugs and gratitude to Kitt who has helped me set it all straight and get the life I want on course.  Love and light, lady.  Love and light. 

Guy you ridiculously good looking  young cynic, you! I have no doubt you are molding young minds admirably and in a way that would do us all proud - and passing on critical thinking skills that are so absent today.  Keep on with what you have going on, it works!!  Be careful in rocky bathrooms with hard surfaces, late at night, though.  They can be a bitch :).

Ceri, you are hilarious and the quintessential English curmudgeon with an excess of intelligence and penchant for big words, cynicism and the biggest helping of naivete that you are simply contagious to be around.  I will dedicate some practices to you and send warm loving light in hopes that you will find that woman to help make that dilapidated, 120 year old, unfurnished victorian house of yours into a home filled with love and warmth and laughter. 

Iris - your ability to cut to the chase, see every situation with light and literally sleep anywhere, even with flies biting you - is beyond admirable. 

Agnes and Kati - I hope your travels together after the yoga farm were amazing, revealing and inspiring! I'm so happy to have met you and hope very much to see you both again.

Yoga isn't about resort life and amenities.  It isn't about being perfect.  It isn't about being the most athletic.  It is about being.  Breathing.  Reflecting.  Accepting.  Fucking up.  and then getting up and doing it all over again, AGAIN - because you know you are worth it and life is worth it and THIS is what the journey is all about. 

Lucky.  I am.  Happy to be on this planet.  I am.  Honored and humbled every day by the experiences and friendships life gives me.  I am beholden to you, Life.  Truly, Deeply, Madly. Thank you.

Let's round out this story with that thing I feel the most - gratitude.  Why, just last night, I had the opportunity to spend unexpected quality time with a MOST disarmingly beautiful and real human being in the moonlight talking, laughing, learning, inquiring, dining, wondering eerily why noone else was around in such a beautiful place on such a beautiful night.  Surreal.  And yes, there were some hints of romance in the air...some wonder...some happy butterflies...curiousity and some mystery and loads of beauty and "unexpected take your breath away" moments.  In short, it was a top, top night.  Amazing.  Beautiful.  At 44, I am beyond thrilled to know that can still happen.  And I arrived today with something far more precious... 

No expectations. No angst. No wondering what is next. Total gratitude for what it was.  TOTAL. (and how!!!) Whatever happens next, is what happens next.  And THAT is a gift.

The understanding and the realization that all that shit I say (or preach?) all the time is actually real.  Choice.  Loving yourself.  Myself. Ourselves. Whatever.  Forgiving ourselves. All of us. Owning it.  And being ok with it, come what may. 

I truly believe we are all put here on this planet to help and love and serve each other in some way.  And I'm beside myself with excitement to be a part of it all.  (I'm reminded of the line from Desperado where Antonio Banderas' character says to Salma Hayek's character in the hospital....)

him "Carolina?" 

her "yes?"

him " Did I thank you?"

her "No."

him "I will."

If you read all of this and are still with me it is resonating on some level, that makes it all worthwhile.  To anyone else scratching their head and asking themselves "what the hell is she talking about"? Thanks for reading...I hope it makes a little sense someday, because to me, it is simply the art of being human.  I'm happy to share the journey.

Love and light to you all~