I just had a terribly grown up thought today and felt it needed preserving for posterity (and for me), so onto the blogosphere it goes...
Basically, it goes a little something like this....
If you haven't even defined your own parameters or "cards" yet, it is neither prudent nor wise to judge, dismiss or become angry or indignant with someone else for their cards or philosophy. Or worse, your perception of their agenda, if they even have one.
It is never in your best interests to expect anyone to adhere to your game plan (or preconceived notion). In fact, don't even worry yourself with what anyone else is doing. Let people be. If your desires intersect, beautiful. If not, let them be. It's a truly great gift to give yourself and to your fellow humankind.
In other words, define your cards before demanding anyone else put theirs on the table and then when you do put your cards on the table....? Well then, make sure you know what the hell you are talking about...and make sure you mean what you think you mean and that you actually know what you want. (as opposed to some societally conditioned set of expectations or some other such nonsense.)
Because - and remember this - you're going to get what you put out into the void, even if it is confusion or an ill-defined desire. It will just come back to you as ill-defined confusion and really, who needs more of that? You know, just be careful what energy you send out there...
I'd like to see less angst and more open and honest communication without fear of loss or admonishment. Say what you need to say. Do what you need to do. Be what you need to be. Feel what you need to feel....and most of all, say it, do it, be it and feel it for YOU.
....then OWN it. It's yours. No need to attach ownership to anyone else or give them responsibility for what you want.
And that, as they say, is all.
Soul spelunker...life coach in training...a woman in love with the whole wide world .
Monday, May 9, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
If this is the kind of mother you had, or something close to it - consider yourself among the richest of beings on this planet. That is the vision I have of mother and always have. It is the vision I tricked myself into believing I had and the relationship I would or could have if I could just be a better daughter.
...If only I was just good.
...If only I was enough.
...If only I was worthy of love.
...If I could make my mother stop crying. Or screaming. Or beating. Or calling me names. If only I were better.
Yes, the latter is the mother I grew up with, and yes, that pretty much sucks, but this post isn't about that. This post is about three very special women in my life. This post is about how lucky I am. This post is about unconditional love and unexpected gifts from the universe that can happen even when you think you are all grown up. This post is about how happy I am and have become. How whole. How worthy. How good. How enough.
My grandmothers were with me for most of my life and were a source of respite from the cold, harsh, cruelty of my mother. They were certainly not perfect, but they treated me with love and care and without judgment. Yes, they disciplined me. They told me no. They got angry when I acted out. But they always and without fail came from a place of love and it showed. When weekends rolled around, I wanted to be with my grandmothers. There was good food and peace and quiet and books to read, pictures to look at, gardens to explore, and healing that could take place while under their protection.
My grandmothers, Ella and Ora, quite literally saved my life. I do not know how I would have made it without them. They attended my college graduation and wouldn't have missed it. (my own mother didn't attend.) They listened, offered their best advice, helped me when they could, wrote me letters and told me that I was good. And that I could do anything I wanted. I had no idea what that was and still don't. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a doctor. Now, I think I just want to be happy. And at peace. And in love. Either with another human being or the whole world or both.
They have both passed on now and I miss them every day. Lovely, wonderful, amazing, flawed, good and caring souls. Mimi and Grandma, I love you both. Thank you for believing in me and for loving me like a mother and a grandmother wrapped into one. And thank you for protecting me whenever you could. Thank you for taking me in almost every weekend of my child life.
I've learned so much these past decades and one of the gifts I have discovered is that you really can have just about anything you want and if you put focus and energy into it and send it out into the universe, it quite often will manifest for you. And I'm really not kidding. I have gotten nearly everything I ever said or thought or dreamed I wanted. Not usually in the moment I want it, but when the time was right. The trick is to be open to it, not have any preconceived notions or formulas for it, and to be able to recognize it when it comes. And when it comes - ACCEPT it.
I spent countless days, nights, years, wishing and hoping and praying that someday my "real" mother would come and get me. You know, because I couldn't quite fathom that I was supposed to be with the woman I grew up with. If you'd read any previous posts, you know some of the story. It doesn't bear repeating or rehashing. And this isn't a "feel sorry for me" story either. This is a tale of what can be. For anyone.
It just was. It isn't anymore. Life is now what I make it. What I choose. What I believe. And I've found once I stopped telling myself the stories of unworthiness and unlovableness and sadness that I found myself to be quite worthy, lovable and happy. At peace even. And that is A M A Z I N G . And so freeing!
Fast forward to one day, later in my life, well after college and my first job and my first (and even second) marriage - I found my real mother. Or she found me. Or we found each other. I don't even remember how it started. I just know that one day I realized that I belonged to her and she belonged to me and she brought with her the gift of unconditional love and acceptance. (You do realize, don't you - that love and acceptance are key and if you have those, you're pretty much golden - right?).
My real mother, my cosmic tribe leader, my "don't need to be blood" matriarch...brought with her an amazing family. Sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, dogs...a place to go for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, 4th of July, birthdays, Saturdays...any days. No, not a PLACE, actually....a HOME. And all those new family members? They came with love and acceptance too. And the "we belong to each other" vibe. My cosmic tribe. As good or better than if I had been born into their family and raised with them from birth.
So Kate, my dear ridiculously smart, funny, beautiful, witty, opinionated, passionate, loving, welcoming, accepting friend...I will say what I have said to you many times before...I am a lucky somebody.
You rescued me again when I didn't even realize I needed rescuing. You didn't let me get away with not listening to the fact that I owed it to myself to not settle for anything less than a life, and a "me", and a world, and relationships that are worthy of ME.
You show me beauty, and humility, and courage, and forgiveness and tenacity. Protection and appreciation, and strength. Grace. You remind me what it is to be me. And you make sure every day that I don't forget it again. You saved my life and let me fly to figure it out on my own in Roanoke and in Kuwait and you welcomed me back again when I was finished. You continue to give me just the right amount of support and skepticism when I come up with new romance or travel ideas - or travel with romance....You grill me, you advise me, you worry for me, you shake me when I need shaking, and you care for me and about me.
Most of all, and above all else... you love me. And you accept me... at the end of it all, of every day, no matter what. The powerful honor and debt and awe that I owe to the universe for this gift is in the forefront of my mind every single day.
Happy Mother's Day, Kate ( few days early). I love you with the love of a cherished daughter. And yes, I am a lucky, lucky somebody.
I hope you all have a "Kate" in your life. And if you do, then be sure to maintain the karmic balance and be a "Kate" in someone else's life.
And I hope you all realize and know that you are enough. You are worthy. You are loved. And you are accepted. I believe in you. All of you.
I also believe that a Peter Pan like wonder and openness to the magic the world has to offer will make your life (and your heart) a beautiful place.
and yes, I do still believe in fairies, I do, I do.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
plagiarizing Jim Morrison and Tom Robbins tonight...just that kind of night...made better with a little Depp for just the right flavoring...
~ kind of a collection of favorites....from people who influenced me rather a lot...there have been so many others, but these two are on my mind tonight...
==========================================================================
“This is the strangest life I've ever known.”
-Jim Morrison
“That's what real love amounts to- letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act-”
-Jim Morrison
“I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown.”
-Jim Morrison
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison
“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
-Jim Morrison
“I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable.”
-Jim Morrison
~~~and now, my all time favorite, for reasons beyond the simple and mundane, Mr. Tom Robbins~~~
“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
-Tom Robbins
“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
-Tom Robbins
“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
-Tom Robbins
“We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.”
-Tom Robbins
“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”
-Tom Robbins
TRUTH
"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business."
-Tom Robbins
The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being."
-Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)
"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."
— Tom Robbins (Still Life with Woodpecker)
"Our lives are not as limited as we think they are; the world is a wonderfully weird place; consensual reality is significantly flawed; no institution can be trusted, but love does work; all things are possible; and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously."
— Tom Robbins
Really, I could go on and on with Robbins quotes.... for now, I'll close. There's a lot of wisdom and humor and depth and truth in every one of these quotes, which are mostly essentially lifted off the pages of his books.
You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of beans...
-Tom Robbins
and the only way to do this post justice was to add Johnny Depp. Dig.
I may have a feather duster down my pants.
-Johnny Depp
I think everybody's nuts.
-Johnny Depp
-I was ecstatic they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries'. Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots.
-Johnny Depp
I'm not sure I'm adult yet.
-Johnny Depp
If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it's OK to be different, that it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.
-Johnny Depp
People say I make strange choices, but they're not strange for me. My sickness is that I'm fascinated by human behavior, by what's underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people.
-Johnny Depp
and the best.... and I echo this sentiment...
“I hope some day to make you all a cup of coffee. Alright, peace.”
Johnny Depp
Have you read Tom Robbins, do you know him....? Check him out. You'll thank yourself.
And Jim Morrison...for those of you who didn't know what a poet he was....read. It will amaze and astound you, resonate with you, potentially disgust you (if you are so inclined)....but it is all truth. At least it was Jim's truth and I can relate.
==========================================================================
“This is the strangest life I've ever known.”
-Jim Morrison
“That's what real love amounts to- letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act-”
-Jim Morrison
“I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown.”
-Jim Morrison
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison
“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
-Jim Morrison
“I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable.”
-Jim Morrison
~~~and now, my all time favorite, for reasons beyond the simple and mundane, Mr. Tom Robbins~~~
“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
-Tom Robbins
“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
-Tom Robbins
“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
-Tom Robbins
“We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.”
-Tom Robbins
“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”
-Tom Robbins
TRUTH
"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business."
-Tom Robbins
The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being."
-Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)
"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."
— Tom Robbins (Still Life with Woodpecker)
"Our lives are not as limited as we think they are; the world is a wonderfully weird place; consensual reality is significantly flawed; no institution can be trusted, but love does work; all things are possible; and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously."
— Tom Robbins
Really, I could go on and on with Robbins quotes.... for now, I'll close. There's a lot of wisdom and humor and depth and truth in every one of these quotes, which are mostly essentially lifted off the pages of his books.
You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of beans...
-Tom Robbins
and the only way to do this post justice was to add Johnny Depp. Dig.
I may have a feather duster down my pants.
-Johnny Depp
I think everybody's nuts.
-Johnny Depp
-I was ecstatic they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries'. Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots.
-Johnny Depp
I'm not sure I'm adult yet.
-Johnny Depp
If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it's OK to be different, that it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.
-Johnny Depp
People say I make strange choices, but they're not strange for me. My sickness is that I'm fascinated by human behavior, by what's underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people.
-Johnny Depp
and the best.... and I echo this sentiment...
“I hope some day to make you all a cup of coffee. Alright, peace.”
Johnny Depp
Have you read Tom Robbins, do you know him....? Check him out. You'll thank yourself.
And Jim Morrison...for those of you who didn't know what a poet he was....read. It will amaze and astound you, resonate with you, potentially disgust you (if you are so inclined)....but it is all truth. At least it was Jim's truth and I can relate.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
a melancholy kind of happiness...
Because, you can't really KNOW if it is actually a love type thing, or if it is a hormone and chemical overdose trick that your body plays on you to entice you to mate. Is that what it really all boils down to? We meet someone, the chemistry is right, our bodies and minds and perceptions go haywire so that we can procreate and perpetuate the species?
In the name of all that is beautiful and pure, I really, really hope not.
It's certainly effective, yes....but does it really all come down to a few chemicals being overloaded into your hypothalmus in order to lull you and dull your senses just enough to get you to behave like you have completely lost all capacity for reason and logic? I think the answer is yes, sometimes. Or maybe yes, all the times in the beginning. I am reluctant to reduce the pulls of the heart's deepest longings down to science. (no offense to you science lovers out there.) Biology is cool, as are physics and chemistry and astronomy. But they aren't love.
And of course, this beginning LOVE I speak of is of the truest early stage kind, which is the "being in love" stage...which is not yet the long term, committed love type thing....but it is the fun part. That long term, "real" thing may or may not find its way into your heart and soul. That only happens if you are truly lucky. And more importantly, if you are open to it and know how to nurture and care for it, or are at least willing to learn how. The real love is work. Although, I have heard it is worth it, so I do have a soulful hope to find out someday.
Yet, ohhhhhh - being in love is the dreamy part...the magical part...You remember? The endless nights talking about anything and everything and nothing and feeling like you just folded time or solved the mysteries of the universe. The world and everything in it becomes beautiful and you suddenly want to befriend homeless people, give them all your money or take them to lunch and just SHARE what you have found because it is so amazing and so great and you just KNOW if you tell them about it that it will change their life. Right. Yes, how obnoxious are the newly in love... (and yes, I want exactly that brand of obnoxiousness too.)
You're sorry for those who don't really get what you are feeling because you know - you KNOW that you have discovered the very secret that noone should ever have to live without and that is that love is the answer...love is all you need....love conquers all....love paints the world with giant strokes from the brush of god with colors the likes of which mere mortals have only dreamt of and Michaelangelo, Botticelli, and Van Gogh are in awe of. (I know it's a cheesey metaphor, but the subject matter calls for it, yes?)
In short, you're a little bit (or a lot) annoying to your friends and anyone that has to listen to you chatter endlessly about the object of your affection. Oh what a drag you are...but an oblivious and happy drag, so you're none the wiser. You only know about this side when one of your friends falls in love and does that endless chattery thing to you all the time till you start making up excuses for why you can't talk or go to lunch with them anymore. When you are on the "in love" side of the equation, nothing can break your buzz, except maybe sudden withdrawal of the object of your affection from your life...then holy camel dung - that's when extreme patheticness ensues. (another topic, some other time...or hopefully not.)
So, in all of this...self exploration and discovery and dipping of my toes in the proverbial ocean of dating and love (thank you for the phrase Tina M)...I am reminded that the secret formula for sustained happiness and peace and success and the elusive overall sense of well being is, in fact, (drum roll please....) Love. Confound it all - it just is... And being able to trust and give and remain open and to discuss misunderstandings and disagreements and idiosyncrasies and still come out in favor of each other on the other side are all essential and primary. Primary. Not just romantic love...all kinds of love. Love for yourself...love of your family...love for a neighbor, a people, a cause, a friend, a kindred spirit, a colleague. It sure as hell trumps hate and dickishness and selfishness and mockery any day of the week.
I remember it well, the "in love" stuff...I recall feeling it in 5th grade (puppy love) and again in college...not really again since. Mind you, I have seen snippets that imitated it, but they were always swept back under the carpet at the first sign of conflict or misunderstanding, or carried with them the traits of codependence and fear of betrayal and hurts... the product of having to relive your last relationship's mistakes because you hadn't dealt with them yet. I think that's what they refer to as baggage. Ugh. The horror.
But yes, it comes down to wanting to be genuinely accepted and desired by another human being. Loved and cared for and someone to rely upon who relies upon you... shared experiences and interests and exploration of each other's worlds to discover amazing new worlds you may have never been interested in before. Oh, you knew they were there...you just didn't picture yourself in them...then all of a sudden, gee - whiz - bang - you find yourself sitting at the edge of a stairway that leads to the top of the universe, holding your breath and wondering how you will find the time to fit it all in and to experience everything you are now capable of. Yes, you can now do ANYTHING. Love gives you superpowers too, didn't you know that? You did...maybe you just forgot. We always forget. I think we have to remember to remember.
This post feels a bit unfinished and perhaps I will revisit...but in keeping with the spirit of the theme of the woman on the journey who went to hell and back in marriage and then to Kuwait for some nice healing time (mission accomplished) --- I dream of a love that is filled with quiet acceptance and wonder and respect mixed with excitement and discovery. Understanding. Forgiveness. And light. (and um, matching appetites for passion.)
So, Universe, if you're listening...
That is all.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Wondering what it's all about...
My journey continues to evolve and I continue to be fairly astounded by how I seem to imagine/wish for/visualize...things into existence. Whatever you want to call it...it is interesting, cool, amazing, and a little intimidating as I have realized that we really can manifest just about any life situation we want if we don't get too specific. I mean, I can't seem to visualize Jeff Bridges or Javier Bardem into my life...but the experiences I want, adventures I want, freedom I crave, family I need...all seem to have come into existence in my life, and considering my upbringing,that feels especially spectacular to me...
So it has me thinking, wondering even...can I bring the love I want into my life? You know...the right kind...the good kind...the healthy kind...the reciprocal kind...the honest kind...the faithful kind, the "kind" kind....plus passion and understanding and shared learning with a dash of forgiveness every once in a while? Are you reading this and saying DREAM ON M!? Yeah, well maybe...but gosh I really hope it isn't just a pipe dream.
I have to believe and hope that the life I've lived and the lessons I have learned along with the losses I've experienced have prepared me and made me ready to receive and find the right kind of love. I think so many people settle for what they have or what they think everyone else expects of them and I can speak with some experience here... I don't want to settle ever again. I fully understand this may mean I am in for a lot of heartbreak, disappointment or aloneness.
That is the interesting and actually great and freeing thing. I am willing, nay, insistent upon living out my life sans relationship if it means the wrong kind. But I still have the belief in the right kind...
And with regard to my inability to make the right choices in some earlier relationships? I would like to believe and daresay I do believe that I have done some decent evolving and can imagine a future where I am in a happy and healthy relationship sustained by love and intimacy and mutual trust and if fights are necessary, then fighting the right way.
Since my divorce, I've been up and down the entire spectrum of emotions and back many times. And though I've formed no relationships of any tenure, I have foraged around a little to see what is out there and learned a few important things.
First....if it doesn't sing, I'm out. An old friend (thank you Mr. Miller) tried to teach me this long ago but though I saw the wisdom in the lesson, I didn't heed it. Not always. Not as I should have. I've gotten caught up for decades literally in trying to do what others expected of me instead of doing what I needed and wanted. And that lack of untrueness to myself led to three, count them THREE marriages didn't work out. You know what the common denominator in those marriages was? Me. Yes, me. I know...you have already figured this out and were wondering if I had figured it out.
I had. I did. I knew. I know. So what I had to do with that was come to terms with it, understand it, figure out where the mistakes were made and forgive myself. And I did. And I do. I made some unwise decisions. They weren't bad men, just not right for me. I chose people in situations where we felt that marriage must be the next step. I think that I have figured out some of why. This may come as no surprise to some of you and may frighten others ...but, basically I am a deep and intense person. And my own biological family examples weren't exemplary and so I've tried to recreate what I didn't grow up with.
Typical? Textbook? Probably...but it makes sense and the big epiphany is that I don't feel that need anymore. To choose what others expect of me. I finally feel like I am living the life I imagined myself living when I was just a teenager and young college student....and that sends me into many different metaphysical and wistful, dreamy places of hope.
And the real beauty of it all, this whole scenario? It isn't far fetched. It isn't impossible. It isn't sitting waiting for me on then corner, but it is very real and very possible and is what I want. And I'm so delighted to discover that I am not jaded after all this and I do still believe. Yay me!
So my foray into dating since the divorce has taken me to Raleigh, to kuwait (not for romance and none explored nor found there, except the over the Internet kind...), then to Arkansas...to the Hamptons to Ft. Lauderdale, locally and back.
The outcome? Let's see, one friendship that is best as a friendship but growing and that is nice, really... Another an intellectual dance that played itself out exactly as expected and reality made someone with closer proximity a more attractive prospect for him, making him not right for me...yet another, a scenario of two friends who really liked each other before and who now face awkward family situations because we should have stayed friends. And never were more than that. So i believe that will evolve properly in the years to come to the less awkward friend state. Another was an interesting guy who doesn't work and lives on a sailboat and while charming and very intelligent is misogynistic and bigoted. No deal. I like to think he was sent by the universe to test my "put up with bullshit" factor and I learned that my gut gave me the answers, I heard them, I listened, I gave a second chance in the spirit of everyone deserves that second chance...I was able to recognize that my gut was right and it was OK to walk away. Without guilt. That was a nice breakthrough. Very.
This is important, because in the past, I have not felt that. I mean, I have stuck around with people because I didn't want to let them down, or fail or disappoint, etc even to my own detriment. As a new friend recently described his own split from a spouse "I got tired of twisting and contorting myself into different shapes to try to be what they wanted". That's a rough paraphrase, but it sums it up nicely.
So, now, I'm not interested in what other people think...only in what I and my love interest, whomever that turns out to be...want, need, desire, decide.
And I want, need, desire love, of course. And Passion, trust, transparency, respect, conversation, intellectual exchange and attraction, excitement and positivity about the world and people, patience for each other...with each other...the ability to forgive and communicate. These are all primary.
I've also learned a few lessons and hard truths about myself over the years....I only have a few real deal breakers or things I can't get past. (I mean besides the serial killer or rapist instinct, ritual sacrifices, animal cruelty...etc. ) ... Those deal breakers for me are dishonesty or hiding things, smoking, misogyny, bigotry, general bad disposition...you know, because these things to me are a choice and you either know that or don't and subscribe to it or don't and it matters. (I don't mind the occasional cigar, just not cigarettes. Yuck.)
Now, first, let me clarify...I don't want to know everything about ANYONE...especially past stuff. But in the here and now...I want what he tells me to be true and real. I don't want him to feel the need to deliberately hide or say anything untrue. That doesn't mean I need to know if he is fantasizing about Kim Basinger when we make love...hell, I may be fantasizing about her too, I just mean I don't want him to tell me something out loud that isn't true or
to fabricate an experience. I mean what I say and I do what I say I'll do. I want someone who will do the same. That's all.
I am exactly who I say I am and that probably makes me intolerant of anyone who feels the need to be inauthentic. Life's too short for that shit. Be who you are...love yourself...accept yourself and trust me to love and appreciate you for you.
So with all this said, I am wide open to the new experience of finding a healthy love. The kind that other couples are a little envious of and who wonder what our secret is. I want to embarrass ourselves with a passionate kiss on the spur of the moment when moved regardless of where we are. To wake up feeling loved, desired, alive, aware, you know...to wake up with things to say, love to make and a sickening in love-ness with the world because I'm in love with him.
Pipe dream? Dear me, I certainly hope not. And I think it's quite possible. I think I've said it before, but "welcome amor...I've been thinking about you a lot lately.". There's a lot of fun in store for us. Come sit with me, walk with me, talk with me, grow with me and make love and friendship and memories. Let's be a force. Not intimidating, but a force for good.
So it has me thinking, wondering even...can I bring the love I want into my life? You know...the right kind...the good kind...the healthy kind...the reciprocal kind...the honest kind...the faithful kind, the "kind" kind....plus passion and understanding and shared learning with a dash of forgiveness every once in a while? Are you reading this and saying DREAM ON M!? Yeah, well maybe...but gosh I really hope it isn't just a pipe dream.
I have to believe and hope that the life I've lived and the lessons I have learned along with the losses I've experienced have prepared me and made me ready to receive and find the right kind of love. I think so many people settle for what they have or what they think everyone else expects of them and I can speak with some experience here... I don't want to settle ever again. I fully understand this may mean I am in for a lot of heartbreak, disappointment or aloneness.
That is the interesting and actually great and freeing thing. I am willing, nay, insistent upon living out my life sans relationship if it means the wrong kind. But I still have the belief in the right kind...
And with regard to my inability to make the right choices in some earlier relationships? I would like to believe and daresay I do believe that I have done some decent evolving and can imagine a future where I am in a happy and healthy relationship sustained by love and intimacy and mutual trust and if fights are necessary, then fighting the right way.
Since my divorce, I've been up and down the entire spectrum of emotions and back many times. And though I've formed no relationships of any tenure, I have foraged around a little to see what is out there and learned a few important things.
First....if it doesn't sing, I'm out. An old friend (thank you Mr. Miller) tried to teach me this long ago but though I saw the wisdom in the lesson, I didn't heed it. Not always. Not as I should have. I've gotten caught up for decades literally in trying to do what others expected of me instead of doing what I needed and wanted. And that lack of untrueness to myself led to three, count them THREE marriages didn't work out. You know what the common denominator in those marriages was? Me. Yes, me. I know...you have already figured this out and were wondering if I had figured it out.
I had. I did. I knew. I know. So what I had to do with that was come to terms with it, understand it, figure out where the mistakes were made and forgive myself. And I did. And I do. I made some unwise decisions. They weren't bad men, just not right for me. I chose people in situations where we felt that marriage must be the next step. I think that I have figured out some of why. This may come as no surprise to some of you and may frighten others ...but, basically I am a deep and intense person. And my own biological family examples weren't exemplary and so I've tried to recreate what I didn't grow up with.
Typical? Textbook? Probably...but it makes sense and the big epiphany is that I don't feel that need anymore. To choose what others expect of me. I finally feel like I am living the life I imagined myself living when I was just a teenager and young college student....and that sends me into many different metaphysical and wistful, dreamy places of hope.
And the real beauty of it all, this whole scenario? It isn't far fetched. It isn't impossible. It isn't sitting waiting for me on then corner, but it is very real and very possible and is what I want. And I'm so delighted to discover that I am not jaded after all this and I do still believe. Yay me!
So my foray into dating since the divorce has taken me to Raleigh, to kuwait (not for romance and none explored nor found there, except the over the Internet kind...), then to Arkansas...to the Hamptons to Ft. Lauderdale, locally and back.
The outcome? Let's see, one friendship that is best as a friendship but growing and that is nice, really... Another an intellectual dance that played itself out exactly as expected and reality made someone with closer proximity a more attractive prospect for him, making him not right for me...yet another, a scenario of two friends who really liked each other before and who now face awkward family situations because we should have stayed friends. And never were more than that. So i believe that will evolve properly in the years to come to the less awkward friend state. Another was an interesting guy who doesn't work and lives on a sailboat and while charming and very intelligent is misogynistic and bigoted. No deal. I like to think he was sent by the universe to test my "put up with bullshit" factor and I learned that my gut gave me the answers, I heard them, I listened, I gave a second chance in the spirit of everyone deserves that second chance...I was able to recognize that my gut was right and it was OK to walk away. Without guilt. That was a nice breakthrough. Very.
This is important, because in the past, I have not felt that. I mean, I have stuck around with people because I didn't want to let them down, or fail or disappoint, etc even to my own detriment. As a new friend recently described his own split from a spouse "I got tired of twisting and contorting myself into different shapes to try to be what they wanted". That's a rough paraphrase, but it sums it up nicely.
So, now, I'm not interested in what other people think...only in what I and my love interest, whomever that turns out to be...want, need, desire, decide.
And I want, need, desire love, of course. And Passion, trust, transparency, respect, conversation, intellectual exchange and attraction, excitement and positivity about the world and people, patience for each other...with each other...the ability to forgive and communicate. These are all primary.
I've also learned a few lessons and hard truths about myself over the years....I only have a few real deal breakers or things I can't get past. (I mean besides the serial killer or rapist instinct, ritual sacrifices, animal cruelty...etc. ) ... Those deal breakers for me are dishonesty or hiding things, smoking, misogyny, bigotry, general bad disposition...you know, because these things to me are a choice and you either know that or don't and subscribe to it or don't and it matters. (I don't mind the occasional cigar, just not cigarettes. Yuck.)
Now, first, let me clarify...I don't want to know everything about ANYONE...especially past stuff. But in the here and now...I want what he tells me to be true and real. I don't want him to feel the need to deliberately hide or say anything untrue. That doesn't mean I need to know if he is fantasizing about Kim Basinger when we make love...hell, I may be fantasizing about her too, I just mean I don't want him to tell me something out loud that isn't true or
to fabricate an experience. I mean what I say and I do what I say I'll do. I want someone who will do the same. That's all.
I am exactly who I say I am and that probably makes me intolerant of anyone who feels the need to be inauthentic. Life's too short for that shit. Be who you are...love yourself...accept yourself and trust me to love and appreciate you for you.
So with all this said, I am wide open to the new experience of finding a healthy love. The kind that other couples are a little envious of and who wonder what our secret is. I want to embarrass ourselves with a passionate kiss on the spur of the moment when moved regardless of where we are. To wake up feeling loved, desired, alive, aware, you know...to wake up with things to say, love to make and a sickening in love-ness with the world because I'm in love with him.
Pipe dream? Dear me, I certainly hope not. And I think it's quite possible. I think I've said it before, but "welcome amor...I've been thinking about you a lot lately.". There's a lot of fun in store for us. Come sit with me, walk with me, talk with me, grow with me and make love and friendship and memories. Let's be a force. Not intimidating, but a force for good.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Love lessons for the unevolved..
So the journey of this single 43 year old woman continues as does my education. I'm so curious about people and the way they work, tick, exist, interact, fight, defend themselves and generally make impassioned cases for why they are justified in either mistreating others or defending their own victimization or wearing their negative life experiences like a badge of accomplishment on their exposed pain psyches. Hey, you! I can see your undercarriage....either fix it or hide it, but don't use it as a weapon!
Equally interesting, and sometimes dismaying to me is how I react (or don't react) in different exposure situations. As evolved as I'd like to think (or hope) that I have become, there are situations and emotional energies of other people that serve to show me that I am in fact, not evolved at all. Just superior in my thinking or opinion of myself perhaps? That's not really what I have been shooting for...
But on a grander scale, it has taught and is teaching me that a significantly important component of knowing oneself and evolving is knowing your own boundaries...knowing your emotional triggers and what energies are positive and forward propelling for you and which energies or situations are de-evolutionary and kind of smack you back into a place of emotional chaos or unrest. Of course, the whole point of working towards some sort of evolution is to be able to be surrounded by negativity and debilitating energy and still remaining calm, happy and at peace. Right? Yeah....not so much...at least not from my experience.
But, that's what all the Masters say. Maybe for me it is more about choosing to be around people who have positive energies. Or at least people with open and searching energies instead of those with hostilities and bad juju that they have no idea they are exuding. Seriously, I have encountered and spent copious amounts of time with some folks, who are otherwise incredibly wonderful people...who are so oblivious to their own addiction to their pasts and who feel so much like the world is out to get them that it is impossible for them to let go of their pain and just "be" and let others be and as a result, see how amazing life really is and how beautiful other people can be. And their modus operandi? Picking fights, intolerance, barraging the other person (in this case, me) and an odd tendency to "lay down the rules for being with them" (who the "f" needs THAT?) ...pardon the language kiddies... You gotta be you, I gotta be me and I am totally of the live and let live philosophy.... Some seem to think that means I will lay down and allow myself to be walked over. Not the case. Whatever happened to plain old fashioned let's just get to know each other and see if we like each other? Ahhh, old fashionedness seems like such a fairy tale, sometimes, doesn't it? It isn't...it is just my experience of late - which means......(drum roll please!!!!) - that as the laws of the universe and karma and averages and such go, then I am due for something stupendous. Excellent! I welcome it and look forward to it when it arrives. Bienvenido amor~ I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Come and sit on my porch, watch the fireflies and chat with me. We'll have some iced tea or some wine or perhaps another beverage of our choice...
That doesn't seem to be what dating at 43 is like. It is more like very selectively choosing seemingly lovely people to spend time with - finding them lovely, having great chemistry with and then sort of watching them unravel or unleash all the pent up hostilities they hold for their exes or their mother or women in general. Do you know what I can report about that? I don't like it. No, sir - not at all.
Listen, I know my own shortcomings. I know my faults. I know my issues and yes, I know my triggers. Mostly, I can get along with anyone in any situation almost regardless of what they think, believe, say or profess to be about as long as they don't step on the toes of my "just being me" and don't script me and don't give me a set of rules to live by.
If I look at you while we are speaking and say to you directly "You know, I think your ideas suck and you're a douche bag and you're inherently evil", then I expect you to be offended by that. If however, I am simply having a conversation with you, need clarification, don't necessarily understand what you are saying and ask a question first, so that I can process... or just add something else to the convo because that is what conversations are....then I not only don't understand a hostile reaction or argument, I genuinely get thrown off balance and am then thrown into a place where I am thinking too much about my next words or am in sheer reactionary mode which is dangerous for me and frankly, also for you, if you are in the mix and provocatively aggressive and accusatory. So, yes...these are likely where my issues come in to play...and why I guess it is best for me to gravitate towards those of similar temperaments and energies.
But I crave growth. I long for it...dream about it....maybe am a little addicted to it....And I want to learn not only about myself, but about others. Moreover, I want to somehow be able to help others in their evolution while helping myself.
Of course, that particular brand of growth comes from pushing your own boundaries and putting yourself into situations that will throw you off balance and test your mettle, so to speak - which in and of itself is going to be unpredictable by nature.
I VERY recently pushed my boundaries in just this way and much to my personal dismay, found myself wanting. Or lacking...or not yet up to the evolutionary task, so to speak. By the way...just because you did a lot of research on my zodiac sign and then compared it to your zodiac sign...studied it, found it fascinating etc....does not mean that what you read is indicative of who I am, how I will react, what my motives are, or where I am coming from. I will admit, there are a lot of interesting things in astrology, some of them spooky even - but, really....GROW up.
Pity...the chemistry was phenomenal...but the continuation of the friendship isn't to be. I did make discoveries (positive and not so delightful) on this recent journey. I did see some amazing things. I experienced some extraordinary things and I realized just what I am willing to give and what I am willing to accept.
I discovered I'm willing to give everything, except my soul and self-respect. And I've learned that anyone really interested in being with me is only interested in getting to know my soul, not in squashing, conquering or taming it. In short, it was a lesson I needed reminding of after being out of practice for a long time.
I have learned when to say when...and hopefully that will suffice for an evolutionary notch or two on the tree of my life. For now, it will have to do and as I continue to learn and grow, I'll get it right sometime. Till then, I'm letting the universe know I get it and thanking it for the reminder and namaste'ing my way to a more peaceful and reciprocal intersection of the minds with my fellow man.
Ma'salaama, my friends. Namaste.
Equally interesting, and sometimes dismaying to me is how I react (or don't react) in different exposure situations. As evolved as I'd like to think (or hope) that I have become, there are situations and emotional energies of other people that serve to show me that I am in fact, not evolved at all. Just superior in my thinking or opinion of myself perhaps? That's not really what I have been shooting for...
But on a grander scale, it has taught and is teaching me that a significantly important component of knowing oneself and evolving is knowing your own boundaries...knowing your emotional triggers and what energies are positive and forward propelling for you and which energies or situations are de-evolutionary and kind of smack you back into a place of emotional chaos or unrest. Of course, the whole point of working towards some sort of evolution is to be able to be surrounded by negativity and debilitating energy and still remaining calm, happy and at peace. Right? Yeah....not so much...at least not from my experience.
But, that's what all the Masters say. Maybe for me it is more about choosing to be around people who have positive energies. Or at least people with open and searching energies instead of those with hostilities and bad juju that they have no idea they are exuding. Seriously, I have encountered and spent copious amounts of time with some folks, who are otherwise incredibly wonderful people...who are so oblivious to their own addiction to their pasts and who feel so much like the world is out to get them that it is impossible for them to let go of their pain and just "be" and let others be and as a result, see how amazing life really is and how beautiful other people can be. And their modus operandi? Picking fights, intolerance, barraging the other person (in this case, me) and an odd tendency to "lay down the rules for being with them" (who the "f" needs THAT?) ...pardon the language kiddies... You gotta be you, I gotta be me and I am totally of the live and let live philosophy.... Some seem to think that means I will lay down and allow myself to be walked over. Not the case. Whatever happened to plain old fashioned let's just get to know each other and see if we like each other? Ahhh, old fashionedness seems like such a fairy tale, sometimes, doesn't it? It isn't...it is just my experience of late - which means......(drum roll please!!!!) - that as the laws of the universe and karma and averages and such go, then I am due for something stupendous. Excellent! I welcome it and look forward to it when it arrives. Bienvenido amor~ I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Come and sit on my porch, watch the fireflies and chat with me. We'll have some iced tea or some wine or perhaps another beverage of our choice...
That doesn't seem to be what dating at 43 is like. It is more like very selectively choosing seemingly lovely people to spend time with - finding them lovely, having great chemistry with and then sort of watching them unravel or unleash all the pent up hostilities they hold for their exes or their mother or women in general. Do you know what I can report about that? I don't like it. No, sir - not at all.
Listen, I know my own shortcomings. I know my faults. I know my issues and yes, I know my triggers. Mostly, I can get along with anyone in any situation almost regardless of what they think, believe, say or profess to be about as long as they don't step on the toes of my "just being me" and don't script me and don't give me a set of rules to live by.
If I look at you while we are speaking and say to you directly "You know, I think your ideas suck and you're a douche bag and you're inherently evil", then I expect you to be offended by that. If however, I am simply having a conversation with you, need clarification, don't necessarily understand what you are saying and ask a question first, so that I can process... or just add something else to the convo because that is what conversations are....then I not only don't understand a hostile reaction or argument, I genuinely get thrown off balance and am then thrown into a place where I am thinking too much about my next words or am in sheer reactionary mode which is dangerous for me and frankly, also for you, if you are in the mix and provocatively aggressive and accusatory. So, yes...these are likely where my issues come in to play...and why I guess it is best for me to gravitate towards those of similar temperaments and energies.
But I crave growth. I long for it...dream about it....maybe am a little addicted to it....And I want to learn not only about myself, but about others. Moreover, I want to somehow be able to help others in their evolution while helping myself.
Of course, that particular brand of growth comes from pushing your own boundaries and putting yourself into situations that will throw you off balance and test your mettle, so to speak - which in and of itself is going to be unpredictable by nature.
I VERY recently pushed my boundaries in just this way and much to my personal dismay, found myself wanting. Or lacking...or not yet up to the evolutionary task, so to speak. By the way...just because you did a lot of research on my zodiac sign and then compared it to your zodiac sign...studied it, found it fascinating etc....does not mean that what you read is indicative of who I am, how I will react, what my motives are, or where I am coming from. I will admit, there are a lot of interesting things in astrology, some of them spooky even - but, really....GROW up.
Pity...the chemistry was phenomenal...but the continuation of the friendship isn't to be. I did make discoveries (positive and not so delightful) on this recent journey. I did see some amazing things. I experienced some extraordinary things and I realized just what I am willing to give and what I am willing to accept.
I discovered I'm willing to give everything, except my soul and self-respect. And I've learned that anyone really interested in being with me is only interested in getting to know my soul, not in squashing, conquering or taming it. In short, it was a lesson I needed reminding of after being out of practice for a long time.
I have learned when to say when...and hopefully that will suffice for an evolutionary notch or two on the tree of my life. For now, it will have to do and as I continue to learn and grow, I'll get it right sometime. Till then, I'm letting the universe know I get it and thanking it for the reminder and namaste'ing my way to a more peaceful and reciprocal intersection of the minds with my fellow man.
Ma'salaama, my friends. Namaste.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Contracts that go BUMP, in the night....
There are so many things I will miss about Kuwait...and so many things I won't miss a bit.
Here's a little free style thinking on which is what...
I will miss...
The MOON. Enormous, the colors of burnt orange, brilliant gold and gleaming bone white. Amazing and breathtaking as it rises over the Persian Gulf.
The SUN and the sunrises. Also on the gulf...big, fiery, red, magenta, fuschia, then the familiar golden-white blinding light that burns intensely all day long.
130 degree heat. Really I will. It's a cleansing, hot, convection oven heat...and holds you like a freshly spent lover on a hot Carolina night.
My friends...Bob, Erika, Andrea, Berdine, Todd, Helen, Mac, Kris, Jamar, John, Julio, Dawnie, MG, Oliver, Terrie, Ashraf, Imran, Danny, Alwyn, Ashley, Velwyn, Sid, Vishal, Prashant, Paul, Eknath, Joshy, the Hot Firemen....and more I can't even remember at the moment.
Running along the Persian Gulf. Utterly amazing. Surreal. I mean, who gets to do that??
Delivery sushi...quality, delicious and cold every time. And the miso soup? Piping hot. Every time.
The sight of the oilfields just before dawn. Eerily beautiful, like another planet.
The bedouin barbecues...
The diversity and richness of this place and the astounding contradictions between extreme ridiculous wealth and not ever being taught how to clean or care for things or surroundings. (that's a toss up between "will miss" and "will not miss".)
Building security...on watch 24 hours a day.
All tile floors and no carpet. I love tile.
The call to prayer. While not religious at all myself, I find these times very endearing and try to give them the reverence they deserve.
Air that smells like warm, spicy sugar. I think it is the shisha cafes, not sure - but it is delicious.
The best Indian food I have ever had. Bar none.
Meetings with the Legion of Doom, which I found particularly amusing and entertaining.
Some things I won't miss quite so much....
The way the bathrooms smell at Arifjan...you shouldn't walk into a bathroom and almost wretch due to stench.
Toilets where toilet paper isn't allowed. (I mean, ICK!)
Kuwaiti drivers. STAY IN YOUR LANE!
The role of women and the inequality of women.
Feral, unfriendly cats.
People who don't like dogs.
The phrase "Insha'Allah". I'm a fan of personal responsibility. Owning your choices...
That weird Australian dude in the gym who stares and gets in my space..BACK the F off, dude. I'm working out, not here to be chatted up.
The Chicken Hawk. Ya'll who know, know who I mean.
Edited movies...although a little funny, still frustrating.
The distance of my friends and family in the states.
Paper shredding.
Incoming IPC's.
I may come back and add to these as I remember....I'm going to sleep now for tomorrow is a HUGE and long day...but at the end of it all, I'll be on US soil the day after...
Ma' salaama.
Here's a little free style thinking on which is what...
I will miss...
The MOON. Enormous, the colors of burnt orange, brilliant gold and gleaming bone white. Amazing and breathtaking as it rises over the Persian Gulf.
The SUN and the sunrises. Also on the gulf...big, fiery, red, magenta, fuschia, then the familiar golden-white blinding light that burns intensely all day long.
130 degree heat. Really I will. It's a cleansing, hot, convection oven heat...and holds you like a freshly spent lover on a hot Carolina night.
My friends...Bob, Erika, Andrea, Berdine, Todd, Helen, Mac, Kris, Jamar, John, Julio, Dawnie, MG, Oliver, Terrie, Ashraf, Imran, Danny, Alwyn, Ashley, Velwyn, Sid, Vishal, Prashant, Paul, Eknath, Joshy, the Hot Firemen....and more I can't even remember at the moment.
Running along the Persian Gulf. Utterly amazing. Surreal. I mean, who gets to do that??
Delivery sushi...quality, delicious and cold every time. And the miso soup? Piping hot. Every time.
The sight of the oilfields just before dawn. Eerily beautiful, like another planet.
The bedouin barbecues...
The diversity and richness of this place and the astounding contradictions between extreme ridiculous wealth and not ever being taught how to clean or care for things or surroundings. (that's a toss up between "will miss" and "will not miss".)
Building security...on watch 24 hours a day.
All tile floors and no carpet. I love tile.
The call to prayer. While not religious at all myself, I find these times very endearing and try to give them the reverence they deserve.
Air that smells like warm, spicy sugar. I think it is the shisha cafes, not sure - but it is delicious.
The best Indian food I have ever had. Bar none.
Meetings with the Legion of Doom, which I found particularly amusing and entertaining.
Some things I won't miss quite so much....
The way the bathrooms smell at Arifjan...you shouldn't walk into a bathroom and almost wretch due to stench.
Toilets where toilet paper isn't allowed. (I mean, ICK!)
Kuwaiti drivers. STAY IN YOUR LANE!
The role of women and the inequality of women.
Feral, unfriendly cats.
People who don't like dogs.
The phrase "Insha'Allah". I'm a fan of personal responsibility. Owning your choices...
That weird Australian dude in the gym who stares and gets in my space..BACK the F off, dude. I'm working out, not here to be chatted up.
The Chicken Hawk. Ya'll who know, know who I mean.
Edited movies...although a little funny, still frustrating.
The distance of my friends and family in the states.
Paper shredding.
Incoming IPC's.
I may come back and add to these as I remember....I'm going to sleep now for tomorrow is a HUGE and long day...but at the end of it all, I'll be on US soil the day after...
Ma' salaama.
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