epiphany / "duh" moment...

I just had a terribly grown up thought today and felt it needed preserving for posterity (and for me), so onto the blogosphere it goes...

Basically, it goes a little something like this....

If you haven't even defined your own parameters or "cards" yet, it is neither prudent nor wise to judge, dismiss or become angry or indignant with someone else for their cards or philosophy.  Or worse, your perception of their agenda, if they even have one.

It is never in your best interests to expect anyone to adhere to your game plan (or preconceived notion).   In fact, don't even worry yourself with what anyone else is doing.  Let people be.  If your desires intersect, beautiful.  If not, let them be.  It's a truly great gift to give yourself and to your fellow humankind.

In other words, define your cards before demanding anyone else put theirs on the table and then when you do put your cards on the table....?  Well then, make sure you know what the hell you are talking about...and make sure you mean what you think you mean and that you actually know what you want. (as opposed to some societally conditioned set of expectations or some other such nonsense.)

Because - and remember this - you're going to get what you put out into the void, even if it is confusion or an ill-defined desire.  It will just come back to you as ill-defined confusion and really, who needs more of that? You know, just be careful what energy you send out there...

I'd like to see less angst and more open and honest communication without fear of loss or admonishment.  Say what you need to say. Do what you need to do. Be what you need to be.  Feel what you need to feel....and most of all, say it, do it, be it and feel it for YOU.

....then OWN it. It's yours.  No need to attach ownership to anyone else or give them responsibility for what you want. 

And that, as they say, is all.

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray

Mother.  Mommy.  Mom.  Mama.  Ma.  A very interesting word that conjures up visions of homemade chocolate chip pancakes, band-aids on scraped knees, a peaceful countenance in a rocking chair, a tissue and a hug to wipe your tears, and the complete and total knowledge that this warm and loving woman will be in your life forever and be a source of unconditional love for you.  She will accept you no matter what...teach you right from wrong...support your dreams...and listen to them...make sure you are always fed, show you the wonders of the world in your own backyard, push you on the swing, pick you up and dust you off when you fall, make you apologize to others when you hurt their feelings, and bascially be there for you to weather life's storms, give you advice, correct you when necessary....a force of nature that you know will never, ever let you down.  She'd go without dinner to be sure you weren't hungry.  She'd give up anything to see you happy.  She'll shower your own children with grandmotherly love.  She'd take a bullet for you and fight to the death for you in the face of anyone or anything that threatened you.  And she'd never think twice about it.

If this is the kind of mother you had, or something close to it - consider yourself among the richest of beings on this planet.  That is the vision I have of mother and always have.  It is the vision I tricked myself into believing I had and the relationship I would or could have if I could just be a better daughter. 

...If only I was just good. 

...If only I was enough.

...If only I was worthy of love.

...If I could make my mother stop crying. Or screaming.  Or beating.  Or calling me names.  If only I were better.

Yes, the latter is the mother I grew up with, and yes, that pretty much sucks, but this post isn't about that.  This post is about three very special women in my life.  This post is about how lucky I am.  This post is about unconditional love and unexpected gifts from the universe that can happen even when you think you are all grown up.  This post is about how happy I am and have become.  How whole.  How worthy.  How good.  How enough.

My grandmothers were with me for most of my life and were a source of respite from the cold, harsh, cruelty of my mother.  They were certainly not perfect, but they treated me with love and care and without judgment.  Yes, they disciplined me.  They told me no.  They got angry when I acted out.  But they always and without fail came from a place of love and it showed.  When weekends rolled around, I wanted to be with my grandmothers.  There was good food and peace and quiet and books to read, pictures to look at, gardens to explore, and healing that could take place while under their protection. 

My grandmothers, Ella and Ora, quite literally saved my life.  I do not know how I would have made it without them.  They attended my college graduation and wouldn't have missed it.  (my own mother didn't attend.)  They listened, offered their best advice, helped me when they could, wrote me letters and told me that I was good.  And that I could do anything I wanted.  I had no idea what that was and still don't.  Once upon a time, I wanted to be a doctor.  Now, I think I just want to be happy.  And at peace.  And in love. Either with another human being or the whole world or both. 

They have both passed on now and I miss them every day.  Lovely, wonderful, amazing, flawed, good and caring souls.  Mimi and Grandma,  I love you both. Thank you for believing in me and for loving me like a mother and a grandmother wrapped into one.  And thank you for protecting me whenever you could. Thank you for taking me in almost every weekend of my child life.

I've learned so much these past decades and one of the gifts I have discovered is that you really can have just about anything you want and if you put focus and energy into it and send it out into the universe, it quite often will manifest for you. And I'm really not kidding.  I have gotten nearly everything I ever said or thought or dreamed I wanted.  Not usually in the moment I want it, but when the time was right.  The trick is to be open to it, not have any preconceived notions or formulas for it, and to be able to recognize it when it comes.  And when it comes - ACCEPT it.

I spent countless days, nights, years, wishing and hoping and praying that someday my "real" mother would come and get me.  You know, because I couldn't quite fathom that I was supposed to be with the woman I grew up with.  If you'd read any previous posts, you know some of the story.  It doesn't bear repeating or rehashing. And this isn't a "feel sorry for me" story either.  This is a tale of what can be.  For anyone. 

It just was.  It isn't anymore.  Life is now what I make it.  What I choose.  What I believe.  And I've found once I stopped telling myself the stories of unworthiness and unlovableness and sadness that I found myself to be quite worthy, lovable and happy.  At peace even.  And that is A M A Z I N G . And so freeing!

Fast forward to one day, later in my life, well after college and my first job and my first (and even second) marriage - I found my real mother.  Or she found me.  Or we found each other.  I don't even remember how it started.  I just know that one day I realized that I belonged to her and she belonged to me and she brought with her the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.  (You do realize, don't you - that love and acceptance are key and if you have those, you're pretty much golden - right?).

My real mother, my cosmic tribe leader, my "don't need to be blood" matriarch...brought with her an amazing family. Sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, dogs...a place to go for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, 4th of July, birthdays, Saturdays...any days.  No, not a PLACE, actually....a HOME.  And all those new family members?  They came with love and acceptance too.  And the "we belong to each other" vibe.  My cosmic tribe.  As good or better than if I had been born into their family and raised with them from birth.

So Kate, my dear ridiculously smart, funny, beautiful, witty, opinionated, passionate, loving, welcoming, accepting friend...I will say what I have said to you many times before...I am a lucky somebody. 

You rescued me again when I didn't even realize I needed rescuing.  You didn't let me get away with not listening to the fact that I owed it to myself to not settle for anything less than a life, and a "me", and a world, and relationships that are worthy of ME. 

You show me beauty, and humility, and courage, and forgiveness and tenacity.  Protection and appreciation, and strength.  Grace. You remind me what it is to be me.  And you make sure every day that I don't forget it again.  You saved my life and let me fly to figure it out on my own in Roanoke and in Kuwait and you welcomed me back again when I was finished.  You continue to give me just the right amount of support and skepticism when I come up with new romance or travel ideas - or travel with romance....You grill me, you advise me, you worry for me, you shake me when I need shaking, and you care for me and about me. 

Most of all, and above all else... you love me.  And you accept me... at the end of it all, of every day, no matter what.  The powerful honor and debt and awe that I owe to the universe for this gift is in the forefront of my mind every single day. 

Happy Mother's Day, Kate ( few days early).  I love you with the love of a cherished daughter.  And yes, I am a lucky, lucky somebody. 

I hope you all have a "Kate" in your life.  And if you do, then be sure to maintain the karmic balance and be a "Kate" in someone else's life. 

And I hope you all realize and know that you are enough. You are worthy.  You are loved.  And you are accepted. I believe in you.  All of you.

I also believe that a Peter Pan like wonder and openness to the magic the world has to offer will make your life (and your heart) a beautiful place.

and yes, I do still believe in fairies, I do, I do.

plagiarizing Jim Morrison and Tom Robbins tonight...just that kind of night...made better with a little Depp for just the right flavoring...

~ kind of a collection of favorites....from people who influenced me rather a lot...there have been so many others, but these two are on my mind tonight...
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“This is the strangest life I've ever known.”
-Jim Morrison

“That's what real love amounts to- letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act-”
-Jim Morrison

“I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown.”
-Jim Morrison

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
-Jim Morrison


“I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable.”
-Jim Morrison

~~~and now, my all time favorite, for reasons beyond the simple and mundane, Mr. Tom Robbins~~~

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
-Tom Robbins

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
-Tom Robbins

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
-Tom Robbins

“We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.”
-Tom Robbins

“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”
-Tom Robbins
TRUTH

"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business."
-Tom Robbins

The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being."
-Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)

"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."
— Tom Robbins (Still Life with Woodpecker)

 "Our lives are not as limited as we think they are; the world is a wonderfully weird place; consensual reality is significantly flawed; no institution can be trusted, but love does work; all things are possible; and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously."
— Tom Robbins

Really, I could go on and on with Robbins quotes.... for now, I'll close.  There's a lot of wisdom and humor and depth and truth in every one of these quotes, which are mostly essentially lifted off the pages of his books. 

You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of beans...
-Tom Robbins

and the only way to do this post justice was to add Johnny Depp.  Dig.

I may have a feather duster down my pants.

-Johnny Depp

I think everybody's nuts.
-Johnny Depp

-I was ecstatic they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries'. Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots.
-Johnny Depp

I'm not sure I'm adult yet.
-Johnny Depp

If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it's OK to be different, that it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.
-Johnny Depp

People say I make strange choices, but they're not strange for me. My sickness is that I'm fascinated by human behavior, by what's underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people.

-Johnny Depp

and the best.... and I echo this sentiment...

“I hope some day to make you all a cup of coffee. Alright, peace.”

Johnny Depp

Have you read Tom Robbins, do you know him....?  Check him out.  You'll thank yourself.
And Jim Morrison...for those of you who didn't know what a poet he was....read.  It will amaze and astound you, resonate with you, potentially disgust you (if you are so inclined)....but it is all truth.  At least it was Jim's truth and I can relate.

a melancholy kind of happiness...

Beginnings are exciting, fun, delicious, mysterious, ANGSTY, and prone to make you stay up restless all night for weeks and weeks on end while being incapable of proper focus or attention during the day.  The beginnings I speak of, are of course, the beginnings of love.  And the begnnings of love can produce euphoria, ecstacy, extraordinary sustained levels of excitement and arousal and yes, a melancholy kind of happiness.  It doesn't seem to matter how old you are (that's the good news AND the bad news)....it will still get you, turn you upside down, fill you with dreams and whimsy and butterflies and make you forget how to think or behave rationally.

Because, you can't really KNOW if it is actually a love type thing, or if it is a hormone and chemical overdose trick that your body plays on you to entice you to mate.  Is that what it really all boils down to? We meet someone, the chemistry is right, our bodies and minds and perceptions go haywire so that we can procreate and perpetuate the species? 

In the name of all that is beautiful and pure, I really, really hope not. 

It's certainly effective, yes....but does it really all come down to a few chemicals being overloaded into your hypothalmus in order to lull you and dull your senses just enough to get you to behave like you have completely lost all capacity for reason and logic? I think the answer is yes, sometimes.  Or maybe yes, all the times in the beginning. I am reluctant to reduce the pulls of the heart's deepest longings down to science. (no offense to you science lovers out there.)  Biology is cool, as are physics and chemistry and astronomy.  But they aren't love. 

And of course, this beginning LOVE I speak of is of the truest early stage kind, which is the "being in love" stage...which is not yet the long term, committed love type thing....but it is the fun part. That long term, "real" thing may or may not find its way into your heart and soul.  That only happens if you are truly lucky.  And more importantly, if you are open to it and know how to nurture and care for it, or are at least willing to learn how.  The real love is work.  Although, I have heard it is worth it, so I do have a soulful hope to find out someday. 

Yet, ohhhhhh - being in love is the dreamy part...the magical part...You remember?  The endless nights talking about anything and everything and nothing and feeling like you just folded time or solved the mysteries of the universe.  The world and everything in it becomes beautiful and you suddenly want to befriend homeless people, give them all your money or take them to lunch and just SHARE what you have found because it is so amazing and so great and you just KNOW if you tell them about it that it will change their life.  Right.  Yes, how obnoxious are the newly in love... (and yes, I want exactly that brand of obnoxiousness too.)

You're sorry for those who don't really get what you are feeling because you know - you KNOW that you have discovered the very secret that noone should ever have to live without and that is that love is the answer...love is all you need....love conquers all....love paints the world with giant strokes from the brush of god with colors the likes of which mere mortals have only dreamt of and Michaelangelo, Botticelli, and Van Gogh are in awe of.  (I know it's a cheesey metaphor, but the subject matter calls for it, yes?)

In short, you're a little bit (or a lot) annoying to your friends and anyone that has to listen to you chatter endlessly about the object of your affection. Oh what a drag you are...but an oblivious and happy drag, so you're none the wiser.  You only know about this side when one of your friends falls in love and does that endless chattery thing to you all the time till you start making up excuses for why you can't talk or go to lunch with them anymore. When you are on the "in love" side of the equation, nothing can break your buzz, except maybe sudden withdrawal of the object of your affection from your life...then holy camel dung - that's when extreme patheticness ensues.  (another topic, some other time...or hopefully not.)

So, in all of this...self exploration and discovery and dipping of my toes in the proverbial ocean of dating and love (thank you for the phrase Tina M)...I am reminded that the secret formula for sustained happiness and peace and success and the elusive overall sense of well being is, in fact, (drum roll please....) Love. Confound it all  - it just is... And being able to trust and give and remain open and to discuss misunderstandings and disagreements and idiosyncrasies and still come out in favor of each other on the other side are all essential and primary.  Primary. Not just romantic love...all kinds of love.  Love for yourself...love of your family...love for a neighbor, a people, a cause, a friend, a kindred spirit, a colleague.  It sure as hell trumps hate and dickishness and selfishness and mockery any day of the week.

I remember it well, the "in love" stuff...I recall feeling it in 5th grade (puppy love) and again in college...not really again since.  Mind you, I have seen snippets that imitated it, but they were always swept back under the carpet at the first sign of conflict or misunderstanding, or carried with them the traits of codependence and fear of betrayal and hurts... the product of having to relive your last relationship's mistakes because you hadn't dealt with them yet.   I think that's what they refer to as baggage.  Ugh. The horror.

But yes, it comes down to wanting to be genuinely accepted and desired by another human being.  Loved and cared for and someone to rely upon who relies upon you... shared experiences and interests and exploration of each other's worlds to discover amazing new worlds you may have never been interested in before.  Oh, you knew they were there...you just didn't picture yourself in them...then all of a sudden, gee - whiz - bang - you find yourself sitting at the edge of a stairway that leads to the top of the universe, holding your breath and wondering how you will find the time to fit it all in and to experience everything you are now capable of.  Yes, you can now do ANYTHING.  Love gives you superpowers too, didn't you know that?  You did...maybe you just forgot.  We always forget. I think we have to remember to remember.

This post feels a bit unfinished and perhaps I will revisit...but in keeping with the spirit of the theme of the woman on the journey who went to hell and back in marriage and then to Kuwait for some nice healing time (mission accomplished) --- I dream of a love that is filled with quiet acceptance and wonder and respect mixed with excitement and discovery.  Understanding.  Forgiveness. And light.  (and um, matching appetites for passion.)

So, Universe, if you're listening...
That is all.