I could have written this...

...but I didn't...though it sure does hit home and resonate like a sonofabitch....

Lifted from the pages of the Elephant Journal...written by Lisa Arends...

Source: Veronica Enenkel on Pinterest.

The best lessons can be found when we are facing unanticipated change and loss.

It is a moment between moments where we are lost and searching, broken and vulnerable, wanting and open. In those moments between moments we learn who we really are and what we are capable of.

Change and loss come in many forms. For me, it came in the guise of a tsunami divorce, and the unexpected end of a 16-year relationship via a text message. In an instant, my entire world was washed away. The powerful waves that carried the demise of my marriage debrided my tough exterior, revealing the pink newness below. I was left shocked and shattered, unsure how to even attempt the basics of living.

Before the divorce, I thought I was happy.

I was in a relationship with a man that I saw as my best friend. I had friends of my own, along with a successful career and hobbies. I thought I was happy, but I never really looked that closely. If I had, I would have seen a woman that was frightened of being abandoned and thought she could stave off that eventuality by playing by the rules. I would have witnessed a wife who saw her husband as the man she believed him to be, rather than the man he was. I would have spied upon a teacher who was all too willing to sacrifice herself for her students. I would have seen a friend that kept others at a safe distance to try to mitigate any chance of loss.

I had developed strategies in childhood of disassociating myself from pain, mental or physical. And, as with anything we repeatedly do, this became a habit. I lived my life from to-do list to to-do list, never pausing between. I was a strong woman; I knew how to lower my head and push my way through.

Strong, that is, until the tsunami washed away my shell, my protection, my ego. I was naked and shaking and vulnerable. But I was also more open and willing to learn than ever before.

In facing the worst, the paralyzing fears of anticipation lost their hold. In facing the worst, I had nothing to lose.

It’s not a comfortable place to be, alone without your defensive armor. Part of me wanted to build new barriers, even higher and more fortified than before. The larger part of me knew that this wouldn’t be effective. Instead of hiding, I took advantage of my vulnerability, my openness. I looked at that period as an opportunity to become a student of life rather than a victim of circumstance. I turned to yoga to learn how to accept pain rather than try to hide from it. I learned how to breathe through the discomfort and soften. I started meditating to shift my focus from doing to being. I dated and eventually began a new relationship, refusing to trek upon the well-worn patterns of the past.

That unshielded period had a limited run; it was truly a moment between. As the fresh, raw skin of the vulnerable self is exposed to the elements of life, it naturally begins to thicken once again. I now strive to keep it in check. In my weekly hot yoga class, my expectations and assumptions are washed away with the sweat. I try to maintain that open, questioning mind and to see things as they are, rather than how I desire them to be. I try to accept rather than to judge. And, most importantly, I no longer allow fear to be my chauffeur. I now drive my own life.

When you find yourself in that moment created in the space after a sudden change, try to see the opportunities wrapped within the loss. Growth is so much easier when we are unencumbered by our usual habits and assumptions. Rather than immediately seeking protection from the pain, be with it and be vulnerable. It is in those moments between where our potential resides.

Lisa Arends works as a writer, wellness coach and math teacher. She loves to run long distances, lift heavy weights and she is still learning how to meditate. You can read about her journey on her website Lessons From the End of a Marriage.

~

favorite night of the year....

it's funny, or maybe not so funny - that I just typed this post topic when I received a text from a beautiful friend that simply said "This is my favorite night of the year".

Connection.  Energy. Love.  We are all part of it. We know it on a soul level, though we forget it so often and the discovery of it never ever ceases to amaze and astound me.

So, I'm sitting alone on this Christmas Eve, 2012 - reflecting...typing...listening to Christmas tunes in the Middle East. Thinking. Dreaming. Wishing. Hoping that in the typing I am creating something.  For myself. For you.  For others.  For anyone.

And I'm sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, hoping that you are not sitting alone this Christmas eve and that your arms and eyes and hearts are filled with the ones you love and who love you.

This night is filled with so much love and anticipation and hope...as a kid, you're surrounded by loved ones and hugs and kisses and good food and laughs and stories that people don't usually tell and are enticed by all the wrapped packages under the tree...stockings hung on the hearth...and the dream of Santa, a magic sleigh and flying reindeer....wondrous elves who have been creating all your dreams with their little hands at the North Pole.

Then....we grow up and if you are lucky, you get to spend this night with little ones of your own or even not your own but that you are fortunate to have in your life...and can get entirely caught up in their excitement and their boundless energy - till they crash - even when they tried so hard not to - so they can sleep before Santa comes.  Then the morning ridiculousness ensues when they awaken way before they should and before you are ready....but you drag your ass out of bed, grab a coffee and watch with joy and a frog in your throat as they rip open their packages and squeal with excitement and surprise and thanks you's for each gift.  Beautiful.

There are a million other reasons this night was always so amazing to me.  It always was the night I would sit in my Mimi's house and wait impatiently for my daddy to arrive from wherever he lived at the time.  It was sheer, unadulterated joy that I felt the moment I saw his car turn into the drive and when he entered the back door of my grandma's house.  And even though I'm not a subscriber to the religious doctrine...the whole Bethlehem, guiding star, three wise men, no room in the inn, giving birth to the baby Jesus story is one of the most beautiful to me and can still bring me to tears...yep - even a "non-believer" can be moved and most certainly not offended when someone wishes me "Merry Christmas".

And tonight...here in the UAE...I had so many people wish me a Merry Christmas...taxi drivers, my doorman...the cashier at the supermarket...the cashier in the liquor store who knows everyone by name...my Emirati friends, my Christian friends, my atheist friends, my Jewish friends, my friends whose religious beliefs I don't know nor need to know because it's Christmas and they wished me a Merry one.  Texts from around the globe.  Emails.  (no phone calls...wait, what's up with that?? we have skype for crying out loud, people!)

I suppose I could go on and on in this post about Christmas eve and it's intangible yet almost touchable magic. But there's no need.  It means something different and real for each of us.  Hopefully something beautiful.  Something that still fills your little girl or little boy heart with hope...and not for gifts or presents...but for hope itself.  For love.  For the reason we are all here.  Each other.  And who we are and what we might become. 

I wish you all so much joy and peace and love....I haven't a clue how to express it.  But wish it, I do.  Know that wherever you are, if I have known you, been known by you, loved you, been loved by you, that you have my gratitude and my wishes that this Christmas is your best yet.  It's all up to you.  And me.  And all of us.  Peace on earth - good will towards men.  How lovely if we could all paint  this feeling and sentiment into our hearts and souls and pull out the brush when needed just to remind ourselves - or someone else/  (I'll tell you a secret....We can.  You can.  I can. So... let's! Shall we?)

Yes. Let's keep the magic and love of Christmas alive - every day - regardless of your religious affiliation.  You know what it's about.  Yeah.... me too. 

Peace, love and namaste~

oh, please don't be mistaken...(she rambles...)

that, just because Love IS my religion...

and because I love for free...

...with no expectations...

and with no requests or questions or demands or assumptions...

and that I believe in personal freedoms of every sort...

and that "Live and Let Live" is not only a philosophy, but a way of life to me...

...don't let this translate to you that I am a pushover, that I am easy...or stupid...or weak...or mixed up...
or lost...because...I. Am. Not. 

nor am I promiscuous and unable or unwilling to commit...if that's your interpretation of "I love you for free", then you're simply not paying attention. Move on.

...or that I don't get hurt...I do. 
And while we are at it...don't think that because I don't have children means I don't like children...or that I am not nurturing...or that I'd be bad at it...(I've actually heard that more times than I'd like to remember)

And because I don't worship your god/God/deity/politics/weatlh/etcetera....it does not mean that I am damned...nor that I am misguided...doomed...incapable of success...or of thought...or any other malignant label you want to staple to me because I am different than you.

I simply choose to live my life on my terms and with a different outlook than you.  I do not go out of my way to take issue with your way of life, nor with your religion, or philosophies, or politics...UNLESS - they promote harm or hate or inequality or injustice and if they come with a "my way or the highway" mentality from you. 

And success to me is not defined by a car or a label or a job or what clubs I am allowed into.  I've been in those places...and while they can be pretty freakin' cool and you can meet some very interesting people in there...I have seen more than my share of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, self-loathing and low self-esteem within those walls, which does not make me long to be a part of it. Success to me is not something I even care to define.  I just want to be.  And to be - free.  And to do something, anything - good for the world.  Or for one person.  To inspire.  To be inspired. To give.  And for what I give to be needed. I don't think I really need anything myself. (yes, this is the ultimate bullshit, but that is where I am operating from right now and maybe all I can quite handle - so leave me to my fantasy of not needing anything.)

Alternately, I am also not even remotely perfect...nor enlightened...nor enchantedly blissful and filled with peace all of the time.  I am human.  I have flaws on top of flaws.  Shortcomings that feed on their own shortcomings.  Bad thoughts...scary thoughts...fears...feelings of being less than...inadequate...not enough...Anger...deep buckets of sorrow...I revisit every single action or inaction in my head a thousand times to generally come to the conclusion that if given the same circumstances and outcome again - that I would still do it the same way I did it the first time...so, oddly - I don't have any regrets.  I stumble.  And I falter...and I trip....and ocassionally...when the moon is just right, and the stars aligned just so.....and the cricket chirps...and the wind blows the desert sands into a perfect never ending sculpture...occasionally - I learn. And I grow...

And the more I learn, the more I understand that I don't understand anything....and that it doesn't matter.  That I don't matter any more or any less than anyone else...and that we - while all connected and all part of the same beautiful energy - are more often than not making such a huge mess of everything.  Ourselves.  Our lives.  Our children's lives.  And that through it all and at the proverbial and cliche end of the day - I still believe that all is love and love is all and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can make it so.

'tis the season for love and magic and wonder and family bonding and rebirth and renewal...second chances...do-overs....and I wish you all, each and every one of you - all of that and more.  If you feel any doubt, any worry, any sense of overwhelm...stop.  Breathe.  Then breathe some more.  And keep breathing, until your breath turns into arms that reach out and embrace you in love, and acceptance, and forgiveness.  Because you deserve it.  And only you can grant it.  What are you waiting for? Come on! I need you! I'm hoping you can show me how.  (It's not like I know...)

ps: My frequent mentionings of the word "magic" do not allude to a belief in satan or witchcraft or sorcery ... (that's just silly fear, people)...Grow up.

...and just because I practice yoga and meditation and maybe even chant from time to time and think it might be quite interesting to become a shaman...I do not dance naked under the trees during the solstices or drink hallucinogenic teas or have symbolic relations with a guy dressed like a goat...(though, aside from the goat dude thing, actually, I think all those other things would be kinda fun)...

...and for the record, and while we're on the topic...I think dancing naked beneath the trees or in the desert, or by the sea, on a mountaintop - wherever shouldn't be limited to solstices.

(and for another record, it is not lost on me that my particular way of life basically makes the romantic love I dream of all but impossible...so there's that...)

And umm, uh-oh... I think I just stopped making my case...and started making yours...and well - that's ok.  Because, really - I don't give a flying snake's testicles what anyone thinks.  The world is a great, big, beautiful and magical place and I am grateful to walk on its surface every day.  I hope you are too.

And, that's sort of enough for me...till another blog when I talk about how it is, but it really isn't.  Maybe we'll get to the bottom of this anomaly together.  And I'll figure out what I need and how to be open to it and prepare to welcome it into my life. One step forward...two steps back.... I think I'll just sit here on the mountain for a while, and be. It IS quite pretty here.

In memory and honor of Ravi and George

 

I remember being a young girl hanging out at my best friend's house and finding some old vinyl albums (maybe they weren't actually OLD back then, as it was the late 70's or early 80's) stashed in her sister's room. Ravi Shankar was among those albums and was as foreign and exotic to me as anything I had ever experienced (which isn't necessarily saying much as I was raised in super-small town North Carolina.)  What I remember most was that the music was beautiful and it spoke to me. Though, foreign as it was and as unsure of what was "cool" to say, both my best friend and I looked at each other and said it was "weird".  But we continued to listen to it as if we were doing something forbidden, which is to say, we listened as often as we could.  We knew nothing about it and didn't know if it was religious or druggy or shamanic (or what shamanic meant) or if it was from some psychedelic planet.  to our discredit, we also found Air Supply albums and played them till we knew and could belt out every single word "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...." you get the drift...

 

But Ravi's music was beautiful, magic, healing, and something quite special that even two 12 year old girls from a small isolated and conservative town could recognize without having any previous introduction to Indian music. 

 

So, Ravi left this world on December 10, 2012 at the wondrous age of 92 and this little video is to honor him and the beauty and love with which he walked in the world and the gifts he shared.  He taught George Harrison to play the sitar and I believe they became great friends.  I've always admired George.  He was, in fact, always my favorite Beatle.  The real poet amongst a group of wonderfully talented young men from Liverpool.  I am in no way disparaging any of the others as I love(d) them all, even Ringo (in a "we're related, so i have to love you" kind of way), but George was something really special among the already amazing.

 

Here's to you both, beautiful souls - and if you've rested in peace, hopefully you're back among us to usher in some new and wonderful love for the coming generations. Welcome.

 

so it goes....

What if...

"What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If prayer, our words
What if the temple was the Earth
If forests were our church
If holy water--the rivers, lakes, and ocean
...What if meditation was our relationships
If the teacher was life
If wisdom was self-knowledge
If love was the center of our being." ~Ganga White

 

video tribute to 2012 karma yoga trip to india~balasramams

From November 29-December 2 of this year, I was privileged to travel with 8 amazing women on a mission to help some beautiful children in need in orphanages in the state of Kerala, India.  We found that the children of those orphanages - or balasramam's as they are called there - gave us more than we could EVER give them.  In previous posts, you can read more in detail about the journey from my perspective and now, thanks to Rose Lyn (one of those 8 abovementioned women) you can view a little of the magic in video form by clinking the link to the right. 

No video or blog or retelling of the story can do the actual experience justice as it was so compelling and powerfully moving that you really did have to be there to feel it.  suffice it to say - the smiles and the energy and the manner of these children was so beautiful, loving, giving, pure and full of light - that I must rank this at the top experiences of my 45 years of already unbelievably wondrous experiences.  Enjoy and Namaste.

I can't express gratitude adequately or often enough to Neli, Angel, Britt, Kathy, Luisa, Michelle, Ouenn and Rose for the time and the shared experience of love and magic.

=========================================================================

Original invitation and introduction excerpted below from Neli Hristova, who I am honored to call friend, my yoga teacher and an overall ray of beautiful light...who organized this trip and did the vast majority of the fund raising to make it all possible through over a year's worth of free yoga in the park sessions, and fund raising parties dedicated to this event.

" Karma means Action, and Karma Yoga is associated with selfless actions that would benefit the society, doing something with no expectations of anything in return!

Join us for a long weekend trip at the beginning of December to the breathtaking Indian state of Kerala. A life changing experience - spending time with little orphans, surrounding them with love, care and compassion. They just need to know that the society has not forgotten about them.
Let us make this an unforgettable experience that they will keep in their hearts forever!

As some of you know, I started the Yoga donation initiative last year in October, initially I was holding classes on the Corniche and the money was collected for Maiti Nepal - an organisation supporting young ladies victims of human trafficking. However, I did not feel that the small amount of money we were collecting would have had an impact on a big organisation like Maiti Nepal, also, I did not know how the donations were going to be used.

I kept looking at various options on the internet - from helping with education expenses to donating money for purchasing food and clothes for a child. My research lead me to different articles where the authors were claiming that with this type of donations, the children do not actually benefit from the money, the kids were made to sign disclaimers or write letters to sponsors confirming the receipt of the donations, but they actually did not see any of it.

I did want the donations from my Yoga students to bring positive changes to the orphans's life, and wanted to know how and why the money are being used.

Then I started talking to my Indian friends to see if they know personally a trustworthy charity where I can send the donations. I was given details of a few charities near Bangalore supporting orphans and underprivileged children. I decided instead of just sending the money, I would travel to India, and stay at the orphanages as a volunteer. Then I would know what the kid's daily life is, get to know them better, find out what they need the most .... and purchase it myself. I want to bring a smile on their little faces, give them love, happiness and joy, a wonderful memories that they will keep in their hearts forever...

I choose India because Yoga was born there, and Yoga helped me turn my life around, made me a happier, healthier, a better person. My Yoga Guru, Devadasji, who I deeply respect is from India as well, and I wanted to give something back to the people of this beautiful country.

In terms of a destination, I finally decided to organise a trip to Kerala - it is easy to get there, also My Yoga Guru comes from the beautiful state, and he has told me about 3 orphanages in a desperate need of help that he personally supports. Devadasji also recommended an Ashram where we can all stay, located not far from the orphanages."

As mentioned previously, the ashram was the Amritapuri Ashram www.amritapuri.org in Kerala, India.

Ashram, Orphans, Karma Yoga and universe-sized buckets of gratitude and love

I have no idea how to start this post and know without a doubt that anything I have to say or that I try to paint in word-picture form for you will not do any of the experience justice...but I must get it down and get it down quickly while it is still fresh in my mind.

So. Wow. To say this past weekend was life changing, altering, transforming...would be the most vast of all understatements, ever.

You may not even know what I'm referring to, so forgive me for jumping in.  This past weekend, I was fortunate beyond previous imaginings of what luck and fortune are...and spent far too short a time in Kerala, India with a beautiful and amazing group of women on a Karma Yoga trip.

It started with a beautiful and inspirational soul belonging to someone I am grateful to call my friend.  Neli is my yoga teacher in Abu Dhabi...she is an incredible being of light who brings joy to any situation she walks into.  You may have heard me refer to Wednesday night yoga in the park....that's Neli.  She's from Bulgaria and was in the banking/mortgage business and became a full time yoga teacher while here in Abu Dhabi...which she says changed her life for the way better.  (no kidding, right!?)

To honor her passion for life, yoga, positivity, good health and for making right changes in diet, lifestyle, consumerism, etc... - she started offering free yoga classes on Wednesday nights at Khalidya Park about a year ago.  You didn't have to pay, but if you wanted to donate, you could.  All proceeds were to go to orphanages in India.  When I first started going to Neli's classes in March or April, I didn't know what that meant and I didn't care.  I wanted to go to yoga and free yoga outdoors sounded like a great idea and way to meet likeminded people.

I had NO idea....After I attended my first class, the energy and spirit of the people and my dear friend transformed my perspective.  And about a year or so later...this past weekend, I was honored and humbled to be able to accompany Neli and 7 other beautiful women to Kerala, India for our karma yoga weekend visiting three orphanages and bring them clothes, toys, time, love and a bit of money. 

For anyone unfamiliar with Karma Yoga...the wikipedia definition goes like this: 

"The word karma is derived from the Sanskrit kri, meaning 'to do'. In its most basic sense karma simply means action, and yoga translates to union. Thus karma yoga literally translates to the path of union through action. However, in Vedantic philosophy the word karma means both action and the effects of such action. Karma yoga is described as a way of acting, thinking and willing by which one orients oneself toward realization by acting in accordance with one's duty (dharma) without consideration of personal self-centered desires, likes or dislikes. One acts without being attached to the fruits of one's deeds."

Basically...it means doing good without asking for anything in return.  Selfless acts...and such.  But oh, we got so much in return. Much more than the kids at the orphanages.  They gave us inspiration, love, light, beauty, gratitude, persepctive, bright beaming smiles, curiousity, and endless energy.  For our souls and our minds and our bodies.  Simply put. It was awe inspiring. Emotional. Tears of appreciation and amazement at these beautiful little souls and the people who care for them may now be a new daily constant. 

We experienced so much in a short time which makes it difficult to encapsulate it all fully.  The abridged version of our adventure is that we slept, ate, meditated, and did yoga in Amma's Ashram in Kollom.  For those of you who have read or seen "Eat, Pray, Love"....this is THAT very ashram.  www.Amritapuri.org  for more info.  Amma actually arrived on our last night there, so the place was magically (and loudly) abuzz with the energy and excitement of those who came to bask in her aura and to hopefully get one of her world famous healing hugs. We did not see her ourselves, and didn't attempt to as there were far more people who seemed in need than we.  Plus, their devotion borders on worship and while I think she is a magnificent human being that we could all take some lessons from, she is not a deity.  But the place truly did have a very special energy about it and I found I would like to go back and spend a month or so really exploring the other people more than anything.  What stories and adventures they must all have to share (if willing). If nothing else, just being in the company of peace-loving, service oriented individuals is and would be quite powerful.

Over the course of three life changing days we communed with one another, we explored the temple, watched a monkey, got shushed numerous times by Ashram residents who did not find our enthusiasm amusing....slept on a 2 inch thick mattress on a bare floor, ate amazing indian vegan fare prepared by the ashram and by the orphanages (who treated us like honored royalty), took a rickshaw out to a beach to watch dolphins and actually SAW dolphins...did our own Karma Yoga photo shoot on the beach (pics to come soon once someone posts them), had an ashtanga yoga class on a rooftop lit by the red moon, (I am told I taught that class...I cannot agree as that would dishonor yoga teachers everywhere - but it really was quite an amazing experience...and I am pretty sure that Peter Askew would not approve necessarily, but would understand), we visited two boy's orphanages and 1 girl's orphanage and were fed by all of them, played with them, and were enchanted by their songs and dances.  They were all so open and beautiful and eager to show us their talents and sing us their songs.  Tears were abundant.  We visited the site of an in-progress new girl's orphanage that we are adopting and may be hounding you for donations for soon, attended an ashram yoga class (yes - we like yoga...we're a yoga group....), took endless pictures of the unreasonably gorgeous Kerala countryside and people.  Everyone we saw was beautiful and had a beautiful smile.  Incredible. On our last day, we slept in a bit from sheer exhaustion and all went out to the beautiful beach town of Varkala where a fellow yogini and I got our noses pierced. So boho-gypsy are we, Michelle!! And my Outlaw. My love. You were with me every step of the way.

The love and honor and amazement I have for my fellow karma yoga travelers and our Bulgarian-yogi-earth-mother, Neli is not something I can measure with words, but it is indeed bottomless. Thank you - ALL. So much. 

I could write volumes about each of you and likely will at a later time...but I carry with me now the images of tireless photographic dedication and the gorgeous smiles from Kathy...the tears shed by Angel at the very sight of the boys in the first orphanage - her generous and loving heart broken by the sight of their beautiful faces...the bounce and spunk (like Tigger) of Ouenn with her schmaltzy girl soundtrack that we all loved and sang along to.... the humility and curiousity of Rose (or is it Rowz?) whose unassuming and quiet nature calmed us all...Luisa's incredible tales of life in Portugal and the world with the resilient soul still trying to make sense of life...the endless facial expressions from Michelle that kept the kids (and us) laughing and earned her the very coveted new moniker "Mr. Bean" (best spiritual name - EVER!) and who also was my partner in crime for the nose ornamentation...and the lovely, tall, blonde peaceful warrior Britt, who gave us all space to be ourselves and to be authentic while imparting wisdom and kindness to everyone. 

... to my Neli, our Neli....the honor of meeting you and traveling with you and constantly learning from you keeps my gratitude coffers overflowing. Namaste~

To the children of the Balasraman's we visited - you really did give us much more than we could ever give you.  We have no idea what brought you to the orphanage...if your parents passed away or if they gave you up because they couldn't feed you, if you were unwanted, if you were abused...we don't know.  What we DO know is that each and every one of you is so beautiful and touched my life so deeply and profoundly, (and I am certain the lives of the Karma 9 as well) that we are forever in your debt for the experience.  Your songs and your voices were otherworldy.  Your dances enchanting.  Your smiles made us all fall in love.  Your spirits are so pure and full, I wish you infinite joy and peace as you journey through this big, wonderful world.  And to the people who care for you - your lives are an example of loving, giving karma yoga service to us all.  Love, light, peace.


Till next time in Kerala...or perhaps sooner in Nepal...I look forward to any opportunity to share space and memories with each of you.