and because I love for free...
...with no expectations...
and with no requests or questions or demands or assumptions...
and that I believe in personal freedoms of every sort...
and that "Live and Let Live" is not only a philosophy, but a way of life to me...
...don't let this translate to you that I am a pushover, that I am easy...or stupid...or weak...or mixed up...
or lost...because...I. Am. Not.
nor am I promiscuous and unable or unwilling to commit...if that's your interpretation of "I love you for free", then you're simply not paying attention. Move on.
...or that I don't get hurt...I do.
And while we are at it...don't think that because I don't have children means I don't like children...or that I am not nurturing...or that I'd be bad at it...(I've actually heard that more times than I'd like to remember)
And because I don't worship your god/God/deity/politics/weatlh/etcetera....it does not mean that I am damned...nor that I am misguided...doomed...incapable of success...or of thought...or any other malignant label you want to staple to me because I am different than you.
I simply choose to live my life on my terms and with a different outlook than you. I do not go out of my way to take issue with your way of life, nor with your religion, or philosophies, or politics...UNLESS - they promote harm or hate or inequality or injustice and if they come with a "my way or the highway" mentality from you.
And success to me is not defined by a car or a label or a job or what clubs I am allowed into. I've been in those places...and while they can be pretty freakin' cool and you can meet some very interesting people in there...I have seen more than my share of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, self-loathing and low self-esteem within those walls, which does not make me long to be a part of it. Success to me is not something I even care to define. I just want to be. And to be - free. And to do something, anything - good for the world. Or for one person. To inspire. To be inspired. To give. And for what I give to be needed. I don't think I really need anything myself. (yes, this is the ultimate bullshit, but that is where I am operating from right now and maybe all I can quite handle - so leave me to my fantasy of not needing anything.)
Alternately, I am also not even remotely perfect...nor enlightened...nor enchantedly blissful and filled with peace all of the time. I am human. I have flaws on top of flaws. Shortcomings that feed on their own shortcomings. Bad thoughts...scary thoughts...fears...feelings of being less than...inadequate...not enough...Anger...deep buckets of sorrow...I revisit every single action or inaction in my head a thousand times to generally come to the conclusion that if given the same circumstances and outcome again - that I would still do it the same way I did it the first time...so, oddly - I don't have any regrets. I stumble. And I falter...and I trip....and ocassionally...when the moon is just right, and the stars aligned just so.....and the cricket chirps...and the wind blows the desert sands into a perfect never ending sculpture...occasionally - I learn. And I grow...
And the more I learn, the more I understand that I don't understand anything....and that it doesn't matter. That I don't matter any more or any less than anyone else...and that we - while all connected and all part of the same beautiful energy - are more often than not making such a huge mess of everything. Ourselves. Our lives. Our children's lives. And that through it all and at the proverbial and cliche end of the day - I still believe that all is love and love is all and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can make it so.
'tis the season for love and magic and wonder and family bonding and rebirth and renewal...second chances...do-overs....and I wish you all, each and every one of you - all of that and more. If you feel any doubt, any worry, any sense of overwhelm...stop. Breathe. Then breathe some more. And keep breathing, until your breath turns into arms that reach out and embrace you in love, and acceptance, and forgiveness. Because you deserve it. And only you can grant it. What are you waiting for? Come on! I need you! I'm hoping you can show me how. (It's not like I know...)
ps: My frequent mentionings of the word "magic" do not allude to a belief in satan or witchcraft or sorcery ... (that's just silly fear, people)...Grow up.
...and just because I practice yoga and meditation and maybe even chant from time to time and think it might be quite interesting to become a shaman...I do not dance naked under the trees during the solstices or drink hallucinogenic teas or have symbolic relations with a guy dressed like a goat...(though, aside from the goat dude thing, actually, I think all those other things would be kinda fun)...
...and for the record, and while we're on the topic...I think dancing naked beneath the trees or in the desert, or by the sea, on a mountaintop - wherever shouldn't be limited to solstices.
(and for another record, it is not lost on me that my particular way of life basically makes the romantic love I dream of all but impossible...so there's that...)
And umm, uh-oh... I think I just stopped making my case...and started making yours...and well - that's ok. Because, really - I don't give a flying snake's testicles what anyone thinks. The world is a great, big, beautiful and magical place and I am grateful to walk on its surface every day. I hope you are too.
And, that's sort of enough for me...till another blog when I talk about how it is, but it really isn't. Maybe we'll get to the bottom of this anomaly together. And I'll figure out what I need and how to be open to it and prepare to welcome it into my life. One step forward...two steps back.... I think I'll just sit here on the mountain for a while, and be. It IS quite pretty here.
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