You say you wanna resolution, well - you know....

here's mine.
xoxo, ya'll.

Happy New Year.

M/L/Cricket/Mich/'Chele/or whatever name you call me (hey - be nice!)

Love, people. Just, love.

Why do I always write about love?

Someone recently asked me this question. No doubt, you might have asked it yourself. That answer is a work in progress, like me. I  guess that's why I write about it... or why I write in general.

Because it drives everything I do, see, touch, feel, taste, hear.

But the simple answer is that my heart and soul are on fire and have tasted the possibilities and while I may feel pretty sure I am just fine on my own, the truth is we were put here for each other and are not meant to be alone. Maybe that's not so simple, after all - but it feels like truth to me.

I write about love to understand...
...to learn.
...to teach.
...to inspire.
...because I am inspired.
...to exorcise demons.
...to grow.
...in case it resonates with and helps someone else not feel alone.
...because it is cathartic.
...because The Beatles taught me that it was all you need.
...because it is magic, basic, primary, healing, beautiful, surrender...
...because love needs love, too - and without it, even love dies.
...because it really does make the world go 'round.
...because it IS the ultimate outlaw, and it just won't adhere to any rules.
...because it is the universal humbler, creator, destroyer, and savior of man and womankind.
...and because I have found the more I love, the more love I see in the world and in others and in myself and things just get exponentially better - even when they suck...cause, truth is, things are still gonna suck sometimes.

Love makes the ride a hellofa lot better than hate, indifference, fear, or anger....or heaven forbid - emptiness. (shudder)

And I write because I'm getting to know myself...
...because I really want to be a writer and am practicing exposing myself.
...because sometimes I can't do anything but write.
...because I can't paint or draw or sing. These are my pictures. My songs. My sculptures. Elementary as they may be.
...to develop my truths. And to reinforce them. (to myself)
...because I am in love with words.
...because I suck at expressing myself verbally.

...and finally, I write about love because I was raised to believe that I didn't deserve it and that I wasn't good enough to be loved.

Fuck that.
I am.
And so are you. All of you.
And anyone who tells you otherwise...well, forgive them.  They are just broken, you can't fix them, just let them be and keep on believing. Maybe even love them a little if you can. The alternative is to become like them.  I beg you - DON'T.

But the trick seems to be in first realizing that I/you/we deserve love...then slowly coming to accept it...then changing our brain patterns to believe it...then figuring out how to welcome it and embrace it - and return it. 
I am still working on those last parts. It's a beautiful journey, I must tell you. I'm enjoying every step.

I write.
I love.
I write about love. Because, it whispers gently to me that it wants to be known. And I want to know it.  I think we'd be great, great friends. We already are.  We're just getting comfortable with each other.

Reflecting on life...always happens at the pending new year...

So many things tend to attach themselves to my brain when a new year is dawning...and I realize tonight, after taking a little stock in the relationship world, that even though I may have been on more than 50 first dates....and a few, pseudo-micro-relationships, I have only been in maybe 6 or 7 actual committed relationships of the romantic type in my whole life including the marriages.  (Those I have truly loved, some of whom are reflected here, may be a topic for another blog....but they know their story.  Including  a ne'er mentioned Jim...a Boston, Scituate, Hampton, Cape Cod etc. kind of guy on whom I inflicted terrible pain that I am unbelievably sorry for.)

On the committed relationship field....The first, John, my high school love, blonde haired, blue eyed, long story short...the relationship was a tremendous sexual awakening for us both, we learned a lot, grew a lot, loved a lot, but then he went to West Point, we broke up when I met relationship number 2....revisited 20+ years later and it ended way, way badly. Turns out he became definitely borderline abusive and potentially alcoholic...and married...though he made it seem otherwise. (This may become a theme, it seems. My bad.)

#2. Blonde haired...blue eyed...engineering major, Resident Advisor (RA), sweet, conservative, intelligent, taught me to ski...lent me his computer to type papers on...pretty much set my young soul on fire...he cheated...lied...who would have believed this from that beautiful boy next door...but really...he was lovely...we were young...made love on a rock (a big one) in the middle of a field in broad daylight once. Have to say, I dig that memory. (broke up with me for God, in the end....couldn't come to terms with our relationship and his god thing....)

#3. My Greek love. To this day, in 45 years of life...the only guy in my whole life who ever asked me out (that I accepted). He taught me to explore. To live. To laugh. To sing. To dream. To reach for something bigger, better, higher, more fulfilling.... To be. Grateful to you, Stavros, every single day for that. Obviously, that didn't work out. He was destined to marry only a Greek girl, as per his parents' wishes...though he married two American girls in the end. C'est la vie. It was lovely and I wouldn't trade the experience. Truly. Madly. Deeply.

#4. Richard. My first husband. The one of three that I didn't give a fair shake. I was the bad guy in this scenario. Way bad. Beautiful, deeply sensitive, tender, kind, loyal, loving, thoughtful, cautious, wonderful, Richard. We went through the suicide of his best friend, who we found after the fact, and married. After he proposed at night at South Beach at the lighthouse in Hilton Head, he revealed he had cheated on me....and it made him sick...and he hated himself for it...and I never forgave him. I suck. I made it about me....and never dug deeper. The guy loved me. He married me. And I tortured and tormented him for an indiscretion that happened after his best friend killed himself. I suck. The upside...he is remarried to a wonderful woman and had two beautiful children and is doing amazing things in the world that I always knew he would do because that's just who he is. I'm eternally grateful for the experience of knowing and loving him...and being loved by him.

#5. Scott. Husband #2. Surfer, artist, tall, blonde, blue eyes...odd - I am more attracted to darker skinned, Mediterranean men with brown eyes, but always marry the fair haired guy. What's that about? He was wonderful in his own right, but he gave me too much room to be me...entire room...to the point of never being involved with me at all unless I was doing exactly what he wanted. Which usually involved watching him surf...or paint..or draw...but never really being involved with me. In the end, he didn't seem sure if he liked girls or boys or both...told me I was repressed when I didn't want a threesome. Oh well... After September 11, when everyone else was clinging together and realizing what they had, I realized I wasn't where I wanted to be and I left. Best thing for both of us.

#6. Didn't happen till I waited a full five years to be on my own and get to know myself and hopefully not repeat my mistakes. However...I repeated them with a vengeance. Rob. Red hair. Brown eyes. Seemingly good, down to earth, sweet guy who was my age and knew all the stuff I knew....relate to the same things...said all the right things...asked me to marry him almost immediately. Had two boys. 12 and 15 at the time. I fell for it. Dived in with complete abandon and totality as is my nature, obviously, I didn't think it through. I was craving what I had denied myself for 5 years and went all in. The upside. The experience was amazing with the boys and the chance to be a mom of sorts. The downside? I almost lost my soul and myself in a relationship that, to put it lightly, just wasn't meant to be. He might have been a little manic depressive...or some other things. He was definitely not cool nor relationship ready. And somehow involved with someone else the whole time who he is now married to...but I am totally grateful for the experience because I learned some much needed things about myself. And people.

#7. Doesn't really even count. Lasted a few months, barely. Dave. Had known him for six years through work. Always found him interesting, yet someone I'd never go for because he was cheesey and sort of playerific. I've definitely learned what a little (or a lot) of alone time can do to me...and so we got together...right before I moved to Abu Dhabi. Literally...we got together Halloween weekend, and I moved here November 14. But for whatever reason, we decided it was the be all, end all and decided to call it a relationship. So, it ended in February. After a two week visit with him. I think he'd already decided it was over. And it made sense. I didn't want it either. But I was blind sided. Dumb struck. And felt like at my age, I was just failing again. Really, no. He did me a favor with the micro-weekend relationship. We shoulda just had fun and enjoyed it. But, both tried to make it into something else. It wasn't necessary. He's a great guy, it turns out. Ridiculously smart. Interesting. Same values. Pretty great kisser and all that stuff. But, timing wasn't right.

Cut to... Today. December 29, Abu Dhabi. Not exactly a land rich with dating ripeness. At least for people my age. The fellas here, expats, seem to be frat boys regenerated. They wanna party, stay out till 6am, get wasted, bed as many women as they can, etc, etc, etc.... That wasn't my bag when I was in college....and certainly isn't my bag now. So. It may well be that I will be alone for -who knows how long? And you know what, that really is ok by me. Completely. I am looking for real. Quality. Long term. Endless conversations. An explorer partner. A love, a real love.

Oh. Yes. If you've been reading any of my stuff or if you know me, you may have gleaned that I did meet someone. My Outlaw. Someone who did make everything that hasn't worked out so far make sense. Someone who, made actually everything make sense. Someone who I got (get) and who got or gets me on all the levels. (That doesn't happen often...or ever). The One. (What does that mean when it turns out they aren't, even if they say they are?). Could be we could name this #8, or we could name it #1, as it was definitely on a far different plane than anything else I have ever been a part of or experienced. I choose not to label or number it.  We know what it was and what it is.  And while I am wholly sad that it ended, I am awake and alive because it happened.

If you're reading this, my Outlaw. Thank you. You changed me. Believed in me. Saw me...the real me, and loved me anyway. Brought me back to life. And reminded me of everything that is fundamental. Primary.  If things were different, well, then they'd be different. But they aren't. To wish they were would be to wish something that isn't fair to wish. To you or to anyone. And that's a wish I cannot make. You exist.  That's enough.

If you are a future love of mine and are reading this and find yourself wary or intimidated, well....I can assure you, if you put your fears aside, and buckle up....you won't be sorry. You're in for the ride of your life (provided you're available). Trust your heart. Trust your gut. Trust your instincts. Trust me. Go with it. I have no idea who you are or might turn out to be, but, if you're out there... Welcome, and let's do this thing.  Life's way too fucking short for all this pussyfooting around. Dontchathink?

Ok then...I'm certain there will be more on this topic come New Year's Eve, when I settle in for some Indian delivery dinner and a bottle or so of wine and my thoughts. Til then, kisses to all.

Love and light- truly~

Didja ever wonder? Well, here's 31 Ways to Know You're In The Right Relationship

A repost of a friend's blog, who says it is a repost of someone else's repost...so not sure of the actual origin:

http://londonleprechaun.com/2012/08/31/31-ways-to-know-youre-in-the-right-relationship/

31 Ways To Know You’re In The Right Relationship
To help you answer that question, you lucky thing, here’s a completely unscientific list of 31 ways to know you’re in the right relationship:

You don’t…   

1.    Fear it.
If you’re afraid of commitment, best to work that out before you put yourself in a situation where it’s hoped you’ll eventually commit.

2.    Hide anything more significant than a surprise party from each other.
That includes exes, cheating, debt, STDs, chronic illness, felonies, whether you want a marriage and/or children, genetic abnormalities (if you both want kids), a strong desire to live somewhere else, professional failures and successes, doubts about your sexual orientation, a strong preference for un-vanilla sex. The truth will come out, and if you’re with someone you feel the need to conceal any of this from, he or she probably isn’t right.

3.    Snoop.
If no one’s hiding anything, why are you looking? Going through your significant other’s email, phone, Facebook account, or journal strongly indicates that you don’t trust the person you’re with. You’re also violating his or her trust in you.

4.    Hide the relationship from other people in your life.
If you’re unwilling to introduce the person you’re dating at appropriate junctures to the most important people in your life, that’s usually a bright, flapping red flag.  In general, if you have a good thing going, you can’t wait for him or her to meet your friends, siblings, parents, the guy at the deli, and you wouldn’t have any qualms about presenting this person to professional acquaintances, people you knew in college, family friends, even your ex.

5.    Think you’re superior.
If you feel that your significant other is your inferior in any way you know matters to you in a mate — morally, intellectually, socially, financially or professionally — you’re never going to respect him or her as much as you hope to be respected.  The best relationships make you feel that you’ve convinced a person more exceptional than you to love you.

6.    Resent the other person’s success.
Professional jealousy can be as poisonous to a relationship as constantly thinking he or she is flirting with your best friend. It also suggests that you’re spending a lot of time comparing yourself to a person you supposedly adore, rather than sitting back and marveling at how amazing he or she is. In a good relationship, you quit (or refuse to ever engage in) the one-upmanship.

7.    Let any substance or behavior come before the relationship.
Any addict or over-user of a substance or behavior is cheating on you with his or her drug of choice. You deserve more.

8.    Stew.
When something the other person does annoys you or turns you off, you don’t push it to the back of your mind and hope it will go away, because it won’t. You bring it up in the moment or sometime in the next 24 hours.

9.    Damage property, animals, children or each other during an argument.
You think this goes without saying until you read something like this New York Times “Modern Love” and realize that human beings can rationalize staying with someone who leaves holes in their walls.
On the other hand, if you damage a vase or two in the heat of a different kind of passion, totally fine.
(Encouraged, even...)

10.    Challenge each other on personal issues in front of other people.
You know which conversations you shouldn’t be having at brunch with friends.

11.    Depend on each other for things no one can or should supply.
If you’re looking to your significant other to resolve your emotional issues, make you more responsible/successful/adult, support you financially, improve your social standing, expand your group of friends, provide you with the family you never had, or make your parents finally accept you, it’s possible you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all, or at least not yet.

12.    Begrudge each other time with your respective friends.
You can’t be everything to your significant other, and why would you want to be? Sounds exhausting. Friends enrich your life, will accompany you to do things that your significant other may not enjoy, and keep you from getting tired of the person you’re seeing.
Besides, if the relationship doesn’t work out, those friends going to be the ones coming over to your house, dragging you out of bed and helping you rejoin humanity. Be good to them.

13.    Lose Yourself
This is easier said than done, especially when the relationship is going really well. As tempting as it is to never leave the house (maybe never leave the bed), you keep doing the work, exercise, volunteering, socializing, networking, and daughtering you were doing before. Remember, these things made you the person Your Person fell in love with. They’re part of you. Don’t give them up for anyone. You can’t afford it.

14.     Have a secret plan B.
If you’re where you need to be, the following thoughts don’t cross your mind: “Maybe he’ll dump me,” or “If my ex moves back from Mongolia, everything could change.”

15.    Have much drama.
You know the cliche: The person worth your tears won’t make you cry. Usually.


You do…

16.    Put it all on the line.
If you’re not risking having your heart broken, you’re not doing it right.

17.    Respect the people he or she is closest to.
You don’t have to love them, but you should think they are honest and moral and have integrity. Want to know you’re with a good person? Look to the people he or she thinks are good people.

18.    Inspire each other to be better.
A good relationship is galvanizing, not in the oh-my-god-I-met-this-amazing-person-I’d-better-hurry-up-and-fix-myself sense (thought there’s probably a little of that when you first start seeing anyone amazing) but in the way that knowing someone else believes in you makes you believe in yourself that much more. You want to prove yourself worthy of his or her confidence.

19.    Humble yourself
You know you can’t hide your flaws for long, so you don’t try. You recognize that this person is going to have to take you as you are, as foolish or charitable (or both) as that may seem to make him or her. You know you’re both going to mess up endless times and have to apologize and be forgiven and forgive. You’ll wonder if one of the bigger mistakes is the one that will end it, and you’ll have to prove to one another that the relationship transcends that. You recognize that you signed up for all of this.

20.    Talk about sex.
Most couples don’t instinctively know all of the ways to please each other. You have to talk about — or at least show — what you want. If you don’t know what you want, you need to figure that out, STAT.  And after you have talked about it, you do it. Better.

21.    Talk about the rest.
The same things you’re not supposed to talk about on a blind date — religion, money, politics, kids — are things you should discuss with someone you’re serious about. What? You just remembered that thing you need to do? Get back here. No one said this was going to be painless. They said it was going to be hard and awesome.

22.    Fight.
If you agree on everything, someone’s not telling the truth. See #2 and #8.

23.    Have times when you don’t talk.
Not because you’re angry with each other but because you can be quiet together. When you find yourself with silences you don’t need to fill, when you find you can just walk along or lie about or work side by side and feel together without needing to verbally affirm that, you’ve got a good thing going.

24.    Have object permanence.
Child psychologist Jean Piaget theorized that when babies get to be 8 or 9 months old, they begin to develop “object permanence,” the idea that an object doesn’t vanish when they can no longer see it.
In a good adult relationship, you know that you can go out into the world and do your thing, and the bond you’ve formed with the person you care about will be there when you get back.
This is also known as trust.

25.    Take care of your body.
You know that you won’t enjoy sharing it with someone else if you don’t like, respect, and nurture it. Your partner feels the same way.

26.    Divide and conquer.
You’re not identical, thank god, which probably means you have certain strengths and he or she has others. Someone is more organized, someone is more outgoing, someone is a born listener. Someone is better with money, someone is more creative. Someone is more adventurous in bed.
If you each play to your strengths, you in all likelihood remember a gift (possibly an inspired one), your home(s) look(s) great, the bills get paid on time, sex is endlessly fun, and you leave everyone at the party thoroughly charmed.

27.    Remember to look at each other across the room.
There’s nothing more reassuring (or sexier) than glancing up from the interminable conversation with your eighth cousin or the head of operations or the report you can’t seem to finish and locking eyes with Your Person and remembering that by some quantity of luck neither of you may deserve, you found each other.

28.    Observe.
You notice when the other person is about to lose it, needs to leave even if you’ve been there only 20 minutes, is talking to someone he or she can’t stand, did something he or she feels guilty about, is silently berating himself or herself, is ruminating over the thing his or her boss said, is about to spend an insane amount of money, and best of all, about to crack up in a situation where he or she shouldn’t. You pay attention because you care, and because that’s the good stuff.

29.    Make time.
You realize that if this is it, one of you is going to be around some distant day in the future to lose the other. In that moment, you will not regret not checking your email in this one.

30.    Occasionally get over yourself and your cynicism and fear of cliche and do something deeply, unapologetically romantic.
You send the flowers, have the book signed by the author, request the song, write the note, have the damned thing (tastefully) engraved. You call the other person and tell him or her that a specific thing he or she did this morning that made you fall that much more in love. When you’re not expecting it, he or she dares to say, even though we all know there are no guarantees ever, “When we’re X age, want to Y?”

31.     Just know.
Reader, marry that.

OK OK number 32
You are both certain that you have convinced someone amazing to love you.

Look no further, look within...You are who you are looking for

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7137/what-your-dissatisfying-relationships-are-telling-you.html

What Your Dissatisfying Relationships Are Telling You

By Shelly Bullard

Are you seeking a relationship that will make you feel complete?

Have you been searching for love but all of your experiences seem to fall short?

Do you get excited, thinking you found "the one," only to feel dissatisfied again shortly after the high wears off?

If so, you are reading the right article.

This is a very common experience. It's easy to feel jaded about love if you've had enough experiences that haven't turned out the way you want.

Luckily, there is a reason this keeps happening. Believe it or not, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

The relationship you are really looking for is one with YOURSELF.

I know, you may not believe me at first. You may think that you already have the best possible relationship you can have with yourself.

However if you are constantly up against feelings such as "something is missing," or "this isn't good enough," or "I'm not satisfied," then it's a good indication that it's time to really start tending to the most important relationship in your life–the one you have with you.

When we don't feel satisfied within, we project the feelings of inadequacy onto our partners and other aspects of our life. The real truth is, if it feels like something is missing in your life, then it's probably you (thank you Robert Holden for this life-changing lesson).

Here is what is going on in this oh-so common pattern: When you seek completion (meaning you are looking to feel good about yourself–to feel at peace, in love, and whole) outside of yourself, it implies that you feel incomplete to begin with.

Unfortunately this feeling of incompletion (that lives in you) is going to follow you into whatever situation you make your way into.

Sure, when you fall in love you are going to get a glimpse of completion and love that is so divine.

But, if what drove you into the relationship in the first place was to overcome a sense of feeling incomplete, you will find that soon enough you will begin to feel incomplete within the relationship, too.

Other people don't complete us. Only You complete You.

I know many of us have heard this before and that, in theory, we believe that it is true. But the trouble is we don't do anything about this truth!

We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again–looking for love, for completion, for a sense of inner peace by acquiring things (especially people) outside of us.

Unfortunately nothing on the outside can ultimately change the way you feel on the inside.

This isn't to say that relationships don't serve a purpose. This is not true. They serve the ultimate purpose–for us to feel love.

But there are very different qualities in the type of love you feel if you are trying to complete yourself with someone else versus the type of love you feel when you are showing up to join, share, and co-create with another.

In the first relationship, you are going to feel preoccupied with everything that is missing–with all that you are not getting from the other person.

In the second, you are going to feel much more freedom to just relax and freely give your love away.

You can feel deeply satisfied in relationships with other people. In fact, you are supposed to. But (and this is a big BUT) YOU have to get right with YOU first.

I came across this quote the other day by Suzanne Falter-Barnes, and she sums it up perfectly. Here is what she said:

"There is no relationship pure enough, pristine enough, sublime enough, romantic enough, beautiful enough, fulfilling enough, spiritually attuned enough to overcome the despair you will feel when you are not connected to who you are–when you are not connected to your own heart and soul."

For your life to feel full, YOU must feel full. For your relationships to feel satisfying, YOU must feel satisfied. Soul, depth, heart, and love all come from within. And when you tap into these parts of yourself, you start to feel them all around you.

When you feel disconnected from you, you feel disconnected from everyone around you too. This is just how it works.

So what can you do? Stop looking for the answer outside of yourself–it's not there.

You can't control other people. You can't expect someone to behave in a way that feels good to you all the time. You can't get another person's attention 100% of the time. You can't get a stream of pure positive love from another person all the time. You can't.

But, you can give yourself these things. You can connect into your own heart. You can live out your desires. You can be true to who you really are, and feel fullness from within. You can live your life with depth, purpose, meaning and soul. All these things you can do. And you must, if you really want to live a life filled with joy and love.

You are who you are looking for. It's You. Just you.

If your life doesn't feel satisfying enough–if your relationships are falling short–stop looking for the answer on the outside and go within.

Connect into yourself. Find yourself. Be true to yourself. And when you do, you will find that the love you have been looking for has been with you all along, and that it's here to stay.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com

Published December 13, 2012 at 1:45 PM

About Shelly Bullard



Shelly Bullard is a student and teacher of Love. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CA#51081) turned Love Coach. She teaches people How to Get the Love They Want by helping them: (1) understand why they feel like they aren't getting enough in relationships, (2) learn how to clear the internal blocks to love (aka fear), and (3) learn how to cultivate and an abundant flow of love in their lives everyday. She is currently finishing her book on the subject and creating an online course.


It is Shelly's purpose in life to help people feel more Love. Love doesn't have to be so complicated! But when we don't understand it, it can be challenging and painful. This is where Shelly comes in--she believes that we are all driven by Love; that it is the most powerful force within us. And when we start to gain clarity about what Love is and how it works, then we are able to experience much more of it. We are all intended to live lives filled with Love--Shelly teaches people how to do this.


Shelly coaches people in her private practice in San Francisco as well as on the phone and Skype. For more, contact Shelly below:


Website: shellybullard.com
Facebook: facebook.com/shelly.bullard and Facebook.com/ShellyBullardMFT?ref=hl
Twitter: @soulfullshelly

I could have written this...

...but I didn't...though it sure does hit home and resonate like a sonofabitch....

Lifted from the pages of the Elephant Journal...written by Lisa Arends...

Source: Veronica Enenkel on Pinterest.

The best lessons can be found when we are facing unanticipated change and loss.

It is a moment between moments where we are lost and searching, broken and vulnerable, wanting and open. In those moments between moments we learn who we really are and what we are capable of.

Change and loss come in many forms. For me, it came in the guise of a tsunami divorce, and the unexpected end of a 16-year relationship via a text message. In an instant, my entire world was washed away. The powerful waves that carried the demise of my marriage debrided my tough exterior, revealing the pink newness below. I was left shocked and shattered, unsure how to even attempt the basics of living.

Before the divorce, I thought I was happy.

I was in a relationship with a man that I saw as my best friend. I had friends of my own, along with a successful career and hobbies. I thought I was happy, but I never really looked that closely. If I had, I would have seen a woman that was frightened of being abandoned and thought she could stave off that eventuality by playing by the rules. I would have witnessed a wife who saw her husband as the man she believed him to be, rather than the man he was. I would have spied upon a teacher who was all too willing to sacrifice herself for her students. I would have seen a friend that kept others at a safe distance to try to mitigate any chance of loss.

I had developed strategies in childhood of disassociating myself from pain, mental or physical. And, as with anything we repeatedly do, this became a habit. I lived my life from to-do list to to-do list, never pausing between. I was a strong woman; I knew how to lower my head and push my way through.

Strong, that is, until the tsunami washed away my shell, my protection, my ego. I was naked and shaking and vulnerable. But I was also more open and willing to learn than ever before.

In facing the worst, the paralyzing fears of anticipation lost their hold. In facing the worst, I had nothing to lose.

It’s not a comfortable place to be, alone without your defensive armor. Part of me wanted to build new barriers, even higher and more fortified than before. The larger part of me knew that this wouldn’t be effective. Instead of hiding, I took advantage of my vulnerability, my openness. I looked at that period as an opportunity to become a student of life rather than a victim of circumstance. I turned to yoga to learn how to accept pain rather than try to hide from it. I learned how to breathe through the discomfort and soften. I started meditating to shift my focus from doing to being. I dated and eventually began a new relationship, refusing to trek upon the well-worn patterns of the past.

That unshielded period had a limited run; it was truly a moment between. As the fresh, raw skin of the vulnerable self is exposed to the elements of life, it naturally begins to thicken once again. I now strive to keep it in check. In my weekly hot yoga class, my expectations and assumptions are washed away with the sweat. I try to maintain that open, questioning mind and to see things as they are, rather than how I desire them to be. I try to accept rather than to judge. And, most importantly, I no longer allow fear to be my chauffeur. I now drive my own life.

When you find yourself in that moment created in the space after a sudden change, try to see the opportunities wrapped within the loss. Growth is so much easier when we are unencumbered by our usual habits and assumptions. Rather than immediately seeking protection from the pain, be with it and be vulnerable. It is in those moments between where our potential resides.

Lisa Arends works as a writer, wellness coach and math teacher. She loves to run long distances, lift heavy weights and she is still learning how to meditate. You can read about her journey on her website Lessons From the End of a Marriage.

~

favorite night of the year....

it's funny, or maybe not so funny - that I just typed this post topic when I received a text from a beautiful friend that simply said "This is my favorite night of the year".

Connection.  Energy. Love.  We are all part of it. We know it on a soul level, though we forget it so often and the discovery of it never ever ceases to amaze and astound me.

So, I'm sitting alone on this Christmas Eve, 2012 - reflecting...typing...listening to Christmas tunes in the Middle East. Thinking. Dreaming. Wishing. Hoping that in the typing I am creating something.  For myself. For you.  For others.  For anyone.

And I'm sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, hoping that you are not sitting alone this Christmas eve and that your arms and eyes and hearts are filled with the ones you love and who love you.

This night is filled with so much love and anticipation and hope...as a kid, you're surrounded by loved ones and hugs and kisses and good food and laughs and stories that people don't usually tell and are enticed by all the wrapped packages under the tree...stockings hung on the hearth...and the dream of Santa, a magic sleigh and flying reindeer....wondrous elves who have been creating all your dreams with their little hands at the North Pole.

Then....we grow up and if you are lucky, you get to spend this night with little ones of your own or even not your own but that you are fortunate to have in your life...and can get entirely caught up in their excitement and their boundless energy - till they crash - even when they tried so hard not to - so they can sleep before Santa comes.  Then the morning ridiculousness ensues when they awaken way before they should and before you are ready....but you drag your ass out of bed, grab a coffee and watch with joy and a frog in your throat as they rip open their packages and squeal with excitement and surprise and thanks you's for each gift.  Beautiful.

There are a million other reasons this night was always so amazing to me.  It always was the night I would sit in my Mimi's house and wait impatiently for my daddy to arrive from wherever he lived at the time.  It was sheer, unadulterated joy that I felt the moment I saw his car turn into the drive and when he entered the back door of my grandma's house.  And even though I'm not a subscriber to the religious doctrine...the whole Bethlehem, guiding star, three wise men, no room in the inn, giving birth to the baby Jesus story is one of the most beautiful to me and can still bring me to tears...yep - even a "non-believer" can be moved and most certainly not offended when someone wishes me "Merry Christmas".

And tonight...here in the UAE...I had so many people wish me a Merry Christmas...taxi drivers, my doorman...the cashier at the supermarket...the cashier in the liquor store who knows everyone by name...my Emirati friends, my Christian friends, my atheist friends, my Jewish friends, my friends whose religious beliefs I don't know nor need to know because it's Christmas and they wished me a Merry one.  Texts from around the globe.  Emails.  (no phone calls...wait, what's up with that?? we have skype for crying out loud, people!)

I suppose I could go on and on in this post about Christmas eve and it's intangible yet almost touchable magic. But there's no need.  It means something different and real for each of us.  Hopefully something beautiful.  Something that still fills your little girl or little boy heart with hope...and not for gifts or presents...but for hope itself.  For love.  For the reason we are all here.  Each other.  And who we are and what we might become. 

I wish you all so much joy and peace and love....I haven't a clue how to express it.  But wish it, I do.  Know that wherever you are, if I have known you, been known by you, loved you, been loved by you, that you have my gratitude and my wishes that this Christmas is your best yet.  It's all up to you.  And me.  And all of us.  Peace on earth - good will towards men.  How lovely if we could all paint  this feeling and sentiment into our hearts and souls and pull out the brush when needed just to remind ourselves - or someone else/  (I'll tell you a secret....We can.  You can.  I can. So... let's! Shall we?)

Yes. Let's keep the magic and love of Christmas alive - every day - regardless of your religious affiliation.  You know what it's about.  Yeah.... me too. 

Peace, love and namaste~

oh, please don't be mistaken...(she rambles...)

that, just because Love IS my religion...

and because I love for free...

...with no expectations...

and with no requests or questions or demands or assumptions...

and that I believe in personal freedoms of every sort...

and that "Live and Let Live" is not only a philosophy, but a way of life to me...

...don't let this translate to you that I am a pushover, that I am easy...or stupid...or weak...or mixed up...
or lost...because...I. Am. Not. 

nor am I promiscuous and unable or unwilling to commit...if that's your interpretation of "I love you for free", then you're simply not paying attention. Move on.

...or that I don't get hurt...I do. 
And while we are at it...don't think that because I don't have children means I don't like children...or that I am not nurturing...or that I'd be bad at it...(I've actually heard that more times than I'd like to remember)

And because I don't worship your god/God/deity/politics/weatlh/etcetera....it does not mean that I am damned...nor that I am misguided...doomed...incapable of success...or of thought...or any other malignant label you want to staple to me because I am different than you.

I simply choose to live my life on my terms and with a different outlook than you.  I do not go out of my way to take issue with your way of life, nor with your religion, or philosophies, or politics...UNLESS - they promote harm or hate or inequality or injustice and if they come with a "my way or the highway" mentality from you. 

And success to me is not defined by a car or a label or a job or what clubs I am allowed into.  I've been in those places...and while they can be pretty freakin' cool and you can meet some very interesting people in there...I have seen more than my share of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, self-loathing and low self-esteem within those walls, which does not make me long to be a part of it. Success to me is not something I even care to define.  I just want to be.  And to be - free.  And to do something, anything - good for the world.  Or for one person.  To inspire.  To be inspired. To give.  And for what I give to be needed. I don't think I really need anything myself. (yes, this is the ultimate bullshit, but that is where I am operating from right now and maybe all I can quite handle - so leave me to my fantasy of not needing anything.)

Alternately, I am also not even remotely perfect...nor enlightened...nor enchantedly blissful and filled with peace all of the time.  I am human.  I have flaws on top of flaws.  Shortcomings that feed on their own shortcomings.  Bad thoughts...scary thoughts...fears...feelings of being less than...inadequate...not enough...Anger...deep buckets of sorrow...I revisit every single action or inaction in my head a thousand times to generally come to the conclusion that if given the same circumstances and outcome again - that I would still do it the same way I did it the first time...so, oddly - I don't have any regrets.  I stumble.  And I falter...and I trip....and ocassionally...when the moon is just right, and the stars aligned just so.....and the cricket chirps...and the wind blows the desert sands into a perfect never ending sculpture...occasionally - I learn. And I grow...

And the more I learn, the more I understand that I don't understand anything....and that it doesn't matter.  That I don't matter any more or any less than anyone else...and that we - while all connected and all part of the same beautiful energy - are more often than not making such a huge mess of everything.  Ourselves.  Our lives.  Our children's lives.  And that through it all and at the proverbial and cliche end of the day - I still believe that all is love and love is all and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can make it so.

'tis the season for love and magic and wonder and family bonding and rebirth and renewal...second chances...do-overs....and I wish you all, each and every one of you - all of that and more.  If you feel any doubt, any worry, any sense of overwhelm...stop.  Breathe.  Then breathe some more.  And keep breathing, until your breath turns into arms that reach out and embrace you in love, and acceptance, and forgiveness.  Because you deserve it.  And only you can grant it.  What are you waiting for? Come on! I need you! I'm hoping you can show me how.  (It's not like I know...)

ps: My frequent mentionings of the word "magic" do not allude to a belief in satan or witchcraft or sorcery ... (that's just silly fear, people)...Grow up.

...and just because I practice yoga and meditation and maybe even chant from time to time and think it might be quite interesting to become a shaman...I do not dance naked under the trees during the solstices or drink hallucinogenic teas or have symbolic relations with a guy dressed like a goat...(though, aside from the goat dude thing, actually, I think all those other things would be kinda fun)...

...and for the record, and while we're on the topic...I think dancing naked beneath the trees or in the desert, or by the sea, on a mountaintop - wherever shouldn't be limited to solstices.

(and for another record, it is not lost on me that my particular way of life basically makes the romantic love I dream of all but impossible...so there's that...)

And umm, uh-oh... I think I just stopped making my case...and started making yours...and well - that's ok.  Because, really - I don't give a flying snake's testicles what anyone thinks.  The world is a great, big, beautiful and magical place and I am grateful to walk on its surface every day.  I hope you are too.

And, that's sort of enough for me...till another blog when I talk about how it is, but it really isn't.  Maybe we'll get to the bottom of this anomaly together.  And I'll figure out what I need and how to be open to it and prepare to welcome it into my life. One step forward...two steps back.... I think I'll just sit here on the mountain for a while, and be. It IS quite pretty here.

In memory and honor of Ravi and George

 

I remember being a young girl hanging out at my best friend's house and finding some old vinyl albums (maybe they weren't actually OLD back then, as it was the late 70's or early 80's) stashed in her sister's room. Ravi Shankar was among those albums and was as foreign and exotic to me as anything I had ever experienced (which isn't necessarily saying much as I was raised in super-small town North Carolina.)  What I remember most was that the music was beautiful and it spoke to me. Though, foreign as it was and as unsure of what was "cool" to say, both my best friend and I looked at each other and said it was "weird".  But we continued to listen to it as if we were doing something forbidden, which is to say, we listened as often as we could.  We knew nothing about it and didn't know if it was religious or druggy or shamanic (or what shamanic meant) or if it was from some psychedelic planet.  to our discredit, we also found Air Supply albums and played them till we knew and could belt out every single word "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...." you get the drift...

 

But Ravi's music was beautiful, magic, healing, and something quite special that even two 12 year old girls from a small isolated and conservative town could recognize without having any previous introduction to Indian music. 

 

So, Ravi left this world on December 10, 2012 at the wondrous age of 92 and this little video is to honor him and the beauty and love with which he walked in the world and the gifts he shared.  He taught George Harrison to play the sitar and I believe they became great friends.  I've always admired George.  He was, in fact, always my favorite Beatle.  The real poet amongst a group of wonderfully talented young men from Liverpool.  I am in no way disparaging any of the others as I love(d) them all, even Ringo (in a "we're related, so i have to love you" kind of way), but George was something really special among the already amazing.

 

Here's to you both, beautiful souls - and if you've rested in peace, hopefully you're back among us to usher in some new and wonderful love for the coming generations. Welcome.

 

so it goes....

What if...

"What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If prayer, our words
What if the temple was the Earth
If forests were our church
If holy water--the rivers, lakes, and ocean
...What if meditation was our relationships
If the teacher was life
If wisdom was self-knowledge
If love was the center of our being." ~Ganga White

 

video tribute to 2012 karma yoga trip to india~balasramams

From November 29-December 2 of this year, I was privileged to travel with 8 amazing women on a mission to help some beautiful children in need in orphanages in the state of Kerala, India.  We found that the children of those orphanages - or balasramam's as they are called there - gave us more than we could EVER give them.  In previous posts, you can read more in detail about the journey from my perspective and now, thanks to Rose Lyn (one of those 8 abovementioned women) you can view a little of the magic in video form by clinking the link to the right. 

No video or blog or retelling of the story can do the actual experience justice as it was so compelling and powerfully moving that you really did have to be there to feel it.  suffice it to say - the smiles and the energy and the manner of these children was so beautiful, loving, giving, pure and full of light - that I must rank this at the top experiences of my 45 years of already unbelievably wondrous experiences.  Enjoy and Namaste.

I can't express gratitude adequately or often enough to Neli, Angel, Britt, Kathy, Luisa, Michelle, Ouenn and Rose for the time and the shared experience of love and magic.

=========================================================================

Original invitation and introduction excerpted below from Neli Hristova, who I am honored to call friend, my yoga teacher and an overall ray of beautiful light...who organized this trip and did the vast majority of the fund raising to make it all possible through over a year's worth of free yoga in the park sessions, and fund raising parties dedicated to this event.

" Karma means Action, and Karma Yoga is associated with selfless actions that would benefit the society, doing something with no expectations of anything in return!

Join us for a long weekend trip at the beginning of December to the breathtaking Indian state of Kerala. A life changing experience - spending time with little orphans, surrounding them with love, care and compassion. They just need to know that the society has not forgotten about them.
Let us make this an unforgettable experience that they will keep in their hearts forever!

As some of you know, I started the Yoga donation initiative last year in October, initially I was holding classes on the Corniche and the money was collected for Maiti Nepal - an organisation supporting young ladies victims of human trafficking. However, I did not feel that the small amount of money we were collecting would have had an impact on a big organisation like Maiti Nepal, also, I did not know how the donations were going to be used.

I kept looking at various options on the internet - from helping with education expenses to donating money for purchasing food and clothes for a child. My research lead me to different articles where the authors were claiming that with this type of donations, the children do not actually benefit from the money, the kids were made to sign disclaimers or write letters to sponsors confirming the receipt of the donations, but they actually did not see any of it.

I did want the donations from my Yoga students to bring positive changes to the orphans's life, and wanted to know how and why the money are being used.

Then I started talking to my Indian friends to see if they know personally a trustworthy charity where I can send the donations. I was given details of a few charities near Bangalore supporting orphans and underprivileged children. I decided instead of just sending the money, I would travel to India, and stay at the orphanages as a volunteer. Then I would know what the kid's daily life is, get to know them better, find out what they need the most .... and purchase it myself. I want to bring a smile on their little faces, give them love, happiness and joy, a wonderful memories that they will keep in their hearts forever...

I choose India because Yoga was born there, and Yoga helped me turn my life around, made me a happier, healthier, a better person. My Yoga Guru, Devadasji, who I deeply respect is from India as well, and I wanted to give something back to the people of this beautiful country.

In terms of a destination, I finally decided to organise a trip to Kerala - it is easy to get there, also My Yoga Guru comes from the beautiful state, and he has told me about 3 orphanages in a desperate need of help that he personally supports. Devadasji also recommended an Ashram where we can all stay, located not far from the orphanages."

As mentioned previously, the ashram was the Amritapuri Ashram www.amritapuri.org in Kerala, India.

Ashram, Orphans, Karma Yoga and universe-sized buckets of gratitude and love

I have no idea how to start this post and know without a doubt that anything I have to say or that I try to paint in word-picture form for you will not do any of the experience justice...but I must get it down and get it down quickly while it is still fresh in my mind.

So. Wow. To say this past weekend was life changing, altering, transforming...would be the most vast of all understatements, ever.

You may not even know what I'm referring to, so forgive me for jumping in.  This past weekend, I was fortunate beyond previous imaginings of what luck and fortune are...and spent far too short a time in Kerala, India with a beautiful and amazing group of women on a Karma Yoga trip.

It started with a beautiful and inspirational soul belonging to someone I am grateful to call my friend.  Neli is my yoga teacher in Abu Dhabi...she is an incredible being of light who brings joy to any situation she walks into.  You may have heard me refer to Wednesday night yoga in the park....that's Neli.  She's from Bulgaria and was in the banking/mortgage business and became a full time yoga teacher while here in Abu Dhabi...which she says changed her life for the way better.  (no kidding, right!?)

To honor her passion for life, yoga, positivity, good health and for making right changes in diet, lifestyle, consumerism, etc... - she started offering free yoga classes on Wednesday nights at Khalidya Park about a year ago.  You didn't have to pay, but if you wanted to donate, you could.  All proceeds were to go to orphanages in India.  When I first started going to Neli's classes in March or April, I didn't know what that meant and I didn't care.  I wanted to go to yoga and free yoga outdoors sounded like a great idea and way to meet likeminded people.

I had NO idea....After I attended my first class, the energy and spirit of the people and my dear friend transformed my perspective.  And about a year or so later...this past weekend, I was honored and humbled to be able to accompany Neli and 7 other beautiful women to Kerala, India for our karma yoga weekend visiting three orphanages and bring them clothes, toys, time, love and a bit of money. 

For anyone unfamiliar with Karma Yoga...the wikipedia definition goes like this: 

"The word karma is derived from the Sanskrit kri, meaning 'to do'. In its most basic sense karma simply means action, and yoga translates to union. Thus karma yoga literally translates to the path of union through action. However, in Vedantic philosophy the word karma means both action and the effects of such action. Karma yoga is described as a way of acting, thinking and willing by which one orients oneself toward realization by acting in accordance with one's duty (dharma) without consideration of personal self-centered desires, likes or dislikes. One acts without being attached to the fruits of one's deeds."

Basically...it means doing good without asking for anything in return.  Selfless acts...and such.  But oh, we got so much in return. Much more than the kids at the orphanages.  They gave us inspiration, love, light, beauty, gratitude, persepctive, bright beaming smiles, curiousity, and endless energy.  For our souls and our minds and our bodies.  Simply put. It was awe inspiring. Emotional. Tears of appreciation and amazement at these beautiful little souls and the people who care for them may now be a new daily constant. 

We experienced so much in a short time which makes it difficult to encapsulate it all fully.  The abridged version of our adventure is that we slept, ate, meditated, and did yoga in Amma's Ashram in Kollom.  For those of you who have read or seen "Eat, Pray, Love"....this is THAT very ashram.  www.Amritapuri.org  for more info.  Amma actually arrived on our last night there, so the place was magically (and loudly) abuzz with the energy and excitement of those who came to bask in her aura and to hopefully get one of her world famous healing hugs. We did not see her ourselves, and didn't attempt to as there were far more people who seemed in need than we.  Plus, their devotion borders on worship and while I think she is a magnificent human being that we could all take some lessons from, she is not a deity.  But the place truly did have a very special energy about it and I found I would like to go back and spend a month or so really exploring the other people more than anything.  What stories and adventures they must all have to share (if willing). If nothing else, just being in the company of peace-loving, service oriented individuals is and would be quite powerful.

Over the course of three life changing days we communed with one another, we explored the temple, watched a monkey, got shushed numerous times by Ashram residents who did not find our enthusiasm amusing....slept on a 2 inch thick mattress on a bare floor, ate amazing indian vegan fare prepared by the ashram and by the orphanages (who treated us like honored royalty), took a rickshaw out to a beach to watch dolphins and actually SAW dolphins...did our own Karma Yoga photo shoot on the beach (pics to come soon once someone posts them), had an ashtanga yoga class on a rooftop lit by the red moon, (I am told I taught that class...I cannot agree as that would dishonor yoga teachers everywhere - but it really was quite an amazing experience...and I am pretty sure that Peter Askew would not approve necessarily, but would understand), we visited two boy's orphanages and 1 girl's orphanage and were fed by all of them, played with them, and were enchanted by their songs and dances.  They were all so open and beautiful and eager to show us their talents and sing us their songs.  Tears were abundant.  We visited the site of an in-progress new girl's orphanage that we are adopting and may be hounding you for donations for soon, attended an ashram yoga class (yes - we like yoga...we're a yoga group....), took endless pictures of the unreasonably gorgeous Kerala countryside and people.  Everyone we saw was beautiful and had a beautiful smile.  Incredible. On our last day, we slept in a bit from sheer exhaustion and all went out to the beautiful beach town of Varkala where a fellow yogini and I got our noses pierced. So boho-gypsy are we, Michelle!! And my Outlaw. My love. You were with me every step of the way.

The love and honor and amazement I have for my fellow karma yoga travelers and our Bulgarian-yogi-earth-mother, Neli is not something I can measure with words, but it is indeed bottomless. Thank you - ALL. So much. 

I could write volumes about each of you and likely will at a later time...but I carry with me now the images of tireless photographic dedication and the gorgeous smiles from Kathy...the tears shed by Angel at the very sight of the boys in the first orphanage - her generous and loving heart broken by the sight of their beautiful faces...the bounce and spunk (like Tigger) of Ouenn with her schmaltzy girl soundtrack that we all loved and sang along to.... the humility and curiousity of Rose (or is it Rowz?) whose unassuming and quiet nature calmed us all...Luisa's incredible tales of life in Portugal and the world with the resilient soul still trying to make sense of life...the endless facial expressions from Michelle that kept the kids (and us) laughing and earned her the very coveted new moniker "Mr. Bean" (best spiritual name - EVER!) and who also was my partner in crime for the nose ornamentation...and the lovely, tall, blonde peaceful warrior Britt, who gave us all space to be ourselves and to be authentic while imparting wisdom and kindness to everyone. 

... to my Neli, our Neli....the honor of meeting you and traveling with you and constantly learning from you keeps my gratitude coffers overflowing. Namaste~

To the children of the Balasraman's we visited - you really did give us much more than we could ever give you.  We have no idea what brought you to the orphanage...if your parents passed away or if they gave you up because they couldn't feed you, if you were unwanted, if you were abused...we don't know.  What we DO know is that each and every one of you is so beautiful and touched my life so deeply and profoundly, (and I am certain the lives of the Karma 9 as well) that we are forever in your debt for the experience.  Your songs and your voices were otherworldy.  Your dances enchanting.  Your smiles made us all fall in love.  Your spirits are so pure and full, I wish you infinite joy and peace as you journey through this big, wonderful world.  And to the people who care for you - your lives are an example of loving, giving karma yoga service to us all.  Love, light, peace.


Till next time in Kerala...or perhaps sooner in Nepal...I look forward to any opportunity to share space and memories with each of you.