Just takes some of us longer to realize exactly what that might mean. And it means everything, including being true to yourself, your spirit, your dreams, your YOU-ness.
In other words, its a real shame you opted out, but its a real stroke of luck too...as you clearly weren't ready for something real.
Being raised by wolves, as I have often stated, has its downsides. It has taken me significantly longer to understand what love and life and peace and happiness and goodness are about. But, I have always been drawn to those qualities and have somewhat figured out a way to structure my life in such a way that I can be as true to myself as possible.
After a bleak couple of post-breakup and "absolutely no contact" months and with absolutely no prospects on the horizon, I can say that I am still humbled and grateful for the experience of loving the man with no middle name, but I no longer miss nor romanticize nor mourn him. And babies, can I just tell you - THAT is truly, fucking liberating.
I lost myself for a while. I'm not entirely sure why, but I figure it must have a lot to do with leaving my country and everyone I love behind...coming to a foreign land in the desert in order to pursue the dream of travel and to take care of debts....weeks of jet lag....post divorce, post job change, post personal apocalypse - and somehow managed to create another apocalypse after a significant and profound loss of love.
Clearly, there were and are still lessons I need to learn in the relationship realm before being able to safely land there. But I find that I am learning them - and getting there and so utterly and am ongoingly grateful for these lessons. It certainly felt like I was at the rock bottom of a well for the longest time and my friends and family grew weary and likely withdrew from me as a result of my leaving and the pathetic aftermath of the demise of the "be all, end all" relationship I believed I had found.
I went through a period shortly after thinking, "there is no way I can be trusted to enter into a relationship again. " Right? I mean for crying out loud, I clearly don't have any fucking clue what love is or isn't since I was so sure that this was it. But....all beginning loves are like that in some way, aren't they?
I think the real magic is to just find someone mutually able to take the leap with you at the same time who will work out the inevitable shit that comes up as you get closer, especially at this stage in life....and who will love you simply because they love you and will realize that this concept is bigger than the little things and will just find peace in the simple being with you.
Someone who can just BE. Come what may.
That is what I dream of anyway. Maybe a bit fanciful. Maybe a bit out there....but still, it rings true for me nonetheless.
This is the dream of love I keep with me. This is the dream of my future I hold.
Peace, love, light and happiness to all others seeking on the journey. May you find the love in your heart and the courage in your soul to be true to yourself and do and find what truly moves you and shapes and guides you on the deepest level.
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