the power of words...and needing to write them is a kind of bondage...

today....I have no power in my words as I am struggling to find them. 

Ever since committing to write everyday, well - I have not necessarily gone the creative route I most enjoy. So, as I struggle through this period, the blogs might get REAL boring.  I will alert the media and all relevant outlets should I write something of possible merit that feels like something someone might actually like to read. 

and if you are reading this - please accept my humblest apologies.  I am a work in progress as is my writing... but you might just enjoy some of it...

Today is the anniversary, 15th, of the drowning death of Jeff Buckley - one of the most amazing talents ever to grace the planet.  And my personal favorite.  I mean, like  - COMPLETE favorite.  No rivals. 
I suppose they don't know if it was accidental or "on purpose", but it doesn't matter as the end result is the same. 

Kind of like a break up...or other loss in life.  We always want to know the reason.  Sometimes we even demand it.  But why?  The reason doesn't change the outcome.  It only serves our arsenal of demons.  If we have a reason, then we will attach some value or blame or imagined malice or wrong to it.  When the reality of it is, someone opted out.  And you know what?  That is their right, their choice and their duty to themselves if they are being true to themselves and what is real for them.   We don't happen to like it because we weren't ready for them to opt out.  And it doesn't serve us.  We want a reason.  If we get a reason, then we can assign blame - or find a way to label ourselves a victim.  Then we become so fully enmeshed in our drama and story that we want to share and recount to everyone.

....and of course our friends LOVE to hear this self serving drivel....(wonder why they suddenly aren't around anymore???)

 And after all of this and all of that, the end result is still the same.  It's still over.  The relationship.  The dream.  The attachment you had to it.  The life.  Over.  (we'll talk moew about this later - but it is really ok that it is over....great even....you just have to dig on you a little bit more and be cool and good to the world and those in it and you'll realize it.)

Whatever it was that happened and ended and disappointed, devastated, gutted, mystified, stupefied, or changed you... shook you to the core...unravelled you...made you doubt yourself, question your worth, and all that other complete and utter bullshit - I am here to tell you - IT DOES NOT MATTER.  It still happened.  It is still over.  And the reasons, real or imagined or completely invented - do not change the outcome.  This is our natural tendency.  But I am learning that letting that thought process go...that non-attachment (to wax all buddhist on you) is freeing.  Liberating.  Peace giving.  Powerful.  And above all else, actually the truth.  Capitalize it if you want. The TRUTH.  Haven't we all learned by now that the things other people say and do to us and about us has NOTHING to do with us?  It is all about them. 

Did you hear me? It is all about THEM.  Let it go. Free yourself or as someone wise once said "what other people say about you is none of your business." Right on!

Haven't you noticed? Oh dear me, I hope you have....but haven't you noticed that when YOU are angry, put out, upset, sad, etc with or about another person's actions or words or reactions or lack of action or words really has nothing to do with THEM, but has everything to do with the shit you are bringing to the dance?   (not talking about random horrific things that happen like criminal acts or just crazy/dickish/unrelatable people)

Yes? You realize this? Then welcome to some sort of beginning of enlightenment. Embrace it and keep evolving. It is a journey and a worthwhile one.

No?  You don't get it or are rebelling from it?  Well...think on it awhile...with an open mind...without judgment...pay attention over the coming weeks when you react with thoughts or feelings or universe forbid, words - to someone else's actions or words and I am betting you will understand what I mean.   Even when you understand, your mind will rebel with everything it's got.  But practice.  Stumble, fall, get up again...and keep practicing.  It will become way obvious. 

Love, Peace, Light.  Namaste~

Coach committed

likely to be the post no one anywhere ever reads....but I am recording here for posterity and due to commitment and such....

I have a compelling and committed life coach who seems to believe in what I want to do as much as I do - maybe more even, so.....I must start writing each day...a bit more.... not sure if I will do it here and subject any poor souls who pay attention to what might not be a finished product on any given day...but will definitely do it SOMEWHERE....and I am really pretty excited about it. 

Let's see what and how and who etc., the book develops into.

...and then just like that...with as much swiftness as it started with and just as it seemed so insurmountable and important....the healing finally took over and staked its claim and was victorious...and reality revealed the truth.  Which is...Love is still the answer. It is, I know that it is.

Just takes some of us longer to realize exactly what that might mean. And it means everything, including being true to yourself, your spirit, your dreams, your YOU-ness. 

In other words, its a real shame you opted out, but its a real stroke of luck too...as you clearly weren't ready for something real.

Being raised by wolves, as I have often stated, has its downsides.  It has taken me significantly longer to understand what love and life and peace and happiness and goodness are about.  But, I have always been drawn to those qualities and have somewhat figured out a way to structure my life in such a way that I can be as true to myself as possible. 

After a bleak couple of post-breakup and "absolutely no contact" months and with absolutely no prospects on the horizon, I can say that I am still humbled and grateful for the experience of loving the man with no middle name, but I no longer miss nor romanticize nor mourn him.  And babies, can I just tell you - THAT is truly, fucking liberating. 

I lost myself for a while.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I figure it must have a lot to do with leaving my country and everyone I love behind...coming to a foreign land in the desert in order to pursue the dream of travel and to take care of debts....weeks of jet lag....post divorce, post job change, post personal apocalypse - and somehow managed to create another apocalypse after a significant and profound loss of love. 

Clearly, there were and are still lessons I need to learn in the relationship realm before being able to safely land there.  But I find that I am learning them - and getting there and so utterly and am ongoingly grateful for these lessons.  It certainly felt like I was at the rock bottom of a well for the longest time and my friends and family grew weary and likely withdrew from me as a result of my leaving and the pathetic aftermath of the demise of the "be all, end all" relationship I believed I had found.

I went through a period shortly after thinking,  "there is no way I can be trusted to enter into a relationship again. " Right?  I mean for crying out loud, I clearly don't have any fucking clue what love is or isn't since I was so sure that this was it.  But....all beginning loves are like that in some way, aren't they? 

I think the real magic is to just find someone mutually able to take the leap with you at the same time who will work out the inevitable shit that comes up as you get closer, especially at this stage in life....and who will love you simply because they love you and will realize that this concept is bigger than the little things and will just find peace in the simple being with you.

Someone who can just BE. Come what may.

That is what I dream of anyway.  Maybe a bit fanciful.  Maybe a bit out there....but still, it rings true for me nonetheless. 

This is the dream of love I keep with me.  This is the dream of my future I hold. 

Peace, love, light and happiness to all others seeking on the journey.  May you find the love in your heart and the courage in your soul to be true to yourself and do and find what truly moves you and shapes and guides you on the deepest level.

Courage.