Ok, so the universe and her stars, black holes, nebulas and whatnot seem to be in conspiracy to teach me some quick and dirty lessons...to jolt me with some much needed reminders... and gently coax me into letting my guard down a little bit, so I figured it was time to write it all down and sort of let the demons work themselves out and see what sort of resolution I reach at the end, if any... WARNING! Don't read on unless this sort of drivel genuinely interests you...this is a totally self-serving post that is all for me. I'm documenting it basically as a bookmark for where my head is at this time in my life.Love. The great conqueror, divider, inspirer, crusher, savior, destroyer, CONFOUNDER...and the most misunderstood of emotions and overused of words or sentiments. Love has been on my mind a lot lately. So, of course that makes me special and completely unique just like everyone else in the world....but in honor of February's favorite Hallmark holiday...here we go.
I've been evaluating past loves, things I thought were love, wished were love, hoped were love (you know, how when you know for certain it isn't love, but you hope it is because it would simplify things and make them so much easier because you know, he's nice, he's there, he calls, it's convenient, he doesn't totally piss me off, etc....but everybody says "OMG, he's such a catch"...and so you stick around for the ultimate in mediocrity.
Mostly, I've been evaluating relationships. My past relationships. My behavior in those relationships and after those relationships. Other people's relationships. Cultural differences. Preconceived notions. Expectations. Lies I told myself. Things I put up with. Bargains I made with myself. Things I settled for. The reasons I settled, bargained, put up with...you get the point. It would take the rest of the decade to write it all down and go into each nuance and lesson individually, so I will skip right ahead to what I have learned about me that has revealed to me what it is that I want from a relationship.
I certainly don't meet the expectations that many men have or that they seem to have somewhat been trained to expect over the years through repetition in other relationships. I'm low maintenance, with high standards for ease and simplicity. I don't want a lot, but what I want is everything (to me)...and according to my good friends of both the male and female persuasion, what I want is actually pretty different than what everyone else seems to want.
On regrets. I have none. Well, maybe a few. I'm passionate, can be impulsive and have never feared taking a leap...even if the outcome was that I splattered on the floor of the grand canyon the way Wile E. Coyote always does when foiled by that damned Roadrunner...But I really don't regret the pain, the heartbreak, betrayal, the resulting self doubt, the ache, the emptiness or the sorrow that I have felt associated with the end of certain relationships. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret losing. Life and loss have taught me so much and left me so much wiser and richer in the knowledge of what I DO want. And what I don't want. And what I won't do again. And what I'd like to do that I never have. And what I can't compromise on.
So, for me...I always come back to the cliche "life is too short". But, let's face it, it really is. There's so much to do and so much happiness to be had out there. I watch other people in their relationships and see so much sorrow. So much settling. So much "stuckness". Stagnancy. (Lot's of S words...). There's a much better "S" word, ya'll. Sex. But that is a topic for another blog...
People cause their stagnancy themselves, of course. We all do. We are all as much to blame for our unhappiness as our happiness, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we can get on with the business of being happy. Seriously. The responsibility lies upon each of us to be happy. Or not. But OWN IT. It is ultimately YOUR decision. And YOUR responsibility. Noone else's. And it is truly not created by your current economic, romantic relationship, or even health situation. It is a choice. Mmmm hmm, yep, there I go again with that word. Choice. It rings truer to me than just about anything I can come up with. I've seen in action in myself and others and have been observing it with great fascination all my life. I am an avid believer in choice.
The ever present question. What do I want, then? What DO I want? What is acceptable? Not? Desirable? Not? I don't have this daunting list of qualities that no man could ever aspire to that he must live up to or anything like that. Not what I am saying. He doesn't have to be "this tall" or wear "these clothes" or drive "that car" or have a certain career or pedigree.
I do want and daresay need or require an intellectual attraction coupled with physical desire and multiplied by a shared appreciation for silence and stillness with a healthy dose of travel and adventure, an endless supply of things to learn and grow from with each other, a dash of challenge, several handfuls of mystery. An open mind is primary, as is tolerance and the balls to stand up to an injustice when the situation calls for it.
I don't want clowny, flashy, bravado or machismo. I don't want stuff, I don't want someone to try to impress me. I'll be impressed if you speak to that which impresses me, no need to try. I want my soul to be set on fire and to discover new depths and little things that tickle me just because they are associated with the object of my affection. I don't want to be supported or any of that sugar daddy nonsense.
I want easy, slow, deliberate, effortless, smiling, yearning, free of expectation, passionate, and oftentimes laughter inducing love. Not slapstick...but intelligent humor that sometimes sneaks up on me. Someone that sets me off balance and unsettles me a bit, and in all of that - actually makes me better. Not through an effort to make me better - but by being a catalyst that simply sets the inertia in motion. And of course, I'd want to be the same for them.
And I am the first to admit that I am not an easy read. Not everyone's cup of tea. Not like the other bears. I am real. I am deep. I am passionate. I am a searcher and a yearner. I am often a loner. Never lonely. I'm fiercely protective of myself and the people I love. If I let you in, well then you're in and you've managed to reach me in a place that I consider primary. And I don't take myself that seriously. I roll with it. The good, the bad...none of it lasts and life won't either, so I am here to enjoy each day in as drama free a manner as is possible. I am always learning, striving, interested, engaged. I'm actually pretty basic and simple when it all comes down to it. I guess the lesson I have learned is to be true to me. To be the individual that I am and to embrace that with all my being. And to not take the shape of the relationship I find myself in. To keep the shape of me...and to just be.
In my "match.com" profile...I state that I am not looking for someone to complete me. That I am complete already and that I am interested in finding someone who will enhance my life and whose life will be enhanced by having me in it. That seems to sum it up nicely and captures the essence. I don't want anyone to be anything but who they are and don't want anyone changing to suit me. What suits me is being me. And if you are being you, (as long as being you doesn't involve you being a dick), then we're golden. And by the way....YOU are complete already too. We all are. I just wish everyone would realize that. Love yourself. It will make you a MUCH better lover of others...(not to be confused with being egotistical and self centered, but real, selfless love of self) Oxymoronic? Nah - not really.
Yes, I have done the match.com thing..how else are you supposed to meet someone that seems to be on your same cosmic plane but happens to be located somewhere around the world or around the cornfield, as the case may be? It was so easy to bump into my next romance back in college or even in my twenties or thirties in the workplace or friend gatherings...not so easy when I've have journeyed a little and have a better understanding of what I want from a relationship.
The greatest compliment and comfort to me is someone that I can sit with in total quiet and ease with no need to fill the silence. If that appeals to you, you know what I mean. We can be reading, having a coffee, writing, gazing at a view, or simply lost in thought. That sort of peace and simple beauty is, to me, priceless and sadly more rare than love itself.
And if that sort of concept doesn't speak to you and you decide you kinda dig the other person (in this case, me) and then TRY to make that your thing, because you're infatuated and likely don't have a real good sense of yourself - let me assure you right off the bat, it won't work. Move on and find someone that needs what you need. That sort of settling or trying to change yourself for someone else surfaces as resentment and annoyance later when the initial "being in love" chemicals wear off. In other words, find your own bliss...find someone whose puzzle parts fit with yours and stop trying to make a relationship with whomever you are currently infatuated with just because they are there and you are lonely. (I'm speaking to me as much as anyone here.)
I am a traveler and an adventurer. A seeker, to be sure. But I am NOT an adrenaline junkie. I am not an "on the go-er". I do not have to fill every moment with activity and I do not want to. I do not need to always be on the hunt for the next fun thing. I have been hang gliding, bungee jumping, motorcycle riding, driven in Kuwait (YIKES)and yes, I would like to sky dive sometime...but am not darting from activity to activity to fill my space. I'd prefer to hike Macchu Pichu and do it in utter silence. Sometimes Macchu Pichu is just a 6 mile run, or getting lost in a bookstore, or watching your kid play soccer.
There are few things I enjoy more than Just. Being. Still. Granted, I like being still in different places. Like a museum, a beach, an airport, a bed, a chair with a book, a tree, a table with a bottle of wine and a really good friend (romantic or not) and great conversation.
Then I discovered, and really if I'm being honest, I remembered that I actually like being alone. That doesn't mean "I Vant to Be Alone".... at least not all the time. It just means that I am perfectly content with it. Happy even. Quite. The happiest I've ever been. And I am not willing to give that up to mold myself into someone else's ideal of what a woman should be or what a relationship should be. I've found that people come to relationships with all these expectations and their own lists of how it should go, and how the other person should act if you do this, or that. I don't want expectations. Love? Yes. Commitment? Certainly. Understanding, forgiveness, intimacy? Absolutely. Sharing, growing, communication? Si, si, si! But no preconceived notions. People and relationships don't come with a manual or a table of contents. Each moment is what it is.
This is where my favorite Tom Robbins quotes come into play...well, two of them anyway...
- The first: "Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."
- And the second: “When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
So, a committed romantic relationship is not something I will likely find myself in again until true compatibility and boundaries and trust and attraction and comfort are established. I won't find myself in a committed relationship until I find myself in a situation I can't see any other way. That WE can't see any other way (that old magic, as they say...) Too many times, I have "found" myself in a relationship because it seemed like the thing to do, or what he wanted, or it was just a relief to not be on the dating market, which CAN be quite stressful. No more. Never again. The next relationship will happen because it can't help but be... whatever "it" happens to look like. Whether we live next door to one another or across town...different states, different countries...just not different planets. I'm not ready for inter-planetary mating just yet.
Love. Companionship. Deep friendship. Trust. Respect. Forgiveness. Understanding. Belief. And a certain mature ability to converse and tackle and learn and discover and disagree and find simple joy and beauty in every day things. That's what I want. That's what moves me. That. I'll have that, please.
I guess it all boils down to one thing. (yes, I'm Channeling Curly from City Slickers). One thing. I want someone who is genuinely comfortable in his own skin and knows who he is, and likes who I am.
Oh, and who sets my loins on fire. Yeah...I'll take that too. :-)
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