Contracts that go BUMP, in the night....

There are so many things I will miss about Kuwait...and so many things I won't miss a bit.
Here's a little free style thinking on which is what...

I will miss...

The MOON.  Enormous, the colors of burnt orange, brilliant gold and gleaming bone white.  Amazing and breathtaking as it rises over the Persian Gulf.

The SUN and the sunrises.  Also on the gulf...big, fiery, red, magenta, fuschia, then the familiar golden-white blinding light that burns intensely all day long.

130 degree heat.  Really I will.  It's a cleansing, hot, convection oven heat...and holds you like a freshly spent lover on a hot Carolina night.

My friends...Bob, Erika, Andrea, Berdine, Todd, Helen, Mac, Kris, Jamar, John, Julio, Dawnie, MG, Oliver, Terrie, Ashraf, Imran, Danny, Alwyn, Ashley, Velwyn, Sid, Vishal, Prashant, Paul, Eknath, Joshy, the Hot Firemen....and more I can't even remember at the moment.

Running along the Persian Gulf.  Utterly amazing. Surreal.  I mean, who gets to do that??

Delivery sushi...quality, delicious and cold every time.  And the miso soup? Piping hot.  Every time.

The sight of the oilfields just before dawn.  Eerily beautiful, like another planet. 

The bedouin barbecues...

The diversity and richness of this place and the astounding contradictions between extreme ridiculous wealth and not ever being taught how to clean or care for things or surroundings.  (that's a toss up between "will miss" and "will not miss".)

Building security...on watch 24 hours a day.

All tile floors and no carpet.  I love tile.

The call to prayer.  While not religious at all myself, I find these times very endearing and try to give them the reverence they deserve. 

Air that smells like warm, spicy sugar. I think it is the shisha cafes, not sure - but it is delicious.

The best Indian food I have ever had. Bar none. 

Meetings with the Legion of Doom, which I found particularly amusing and entertaining.

Some things I won't miss quite so much....

The way the bathrooms smell at Arifjan...you shouldn't walk into a bathroom and almost wretch due to stench.

Toilets where toilet paper isn't allowed. (I mean, ICK!)

Kuwaiti drivers.  STAY IN YOUR LANE!

The role of women and the inequality of women. 

Feral, unfriendly cats.

People who don't like dogs.

The phrase "Insha'Allah".  I'm a fan of personal responsibility. Owning your choices...

That weird Australian dude in the gym who stares and gets in my space..BACK the F off, dude. I'm working out, not here to be chatted up.

The Chicken Hawk.  Ya'll who know, know who I mean. 

Edited movies...although a little funny, still frustrating.

The distance of my friends and family in the states.

Paper shredding. 

Incoming IPC's.


I may come back and add to these as I remember....I'm going to sleep now for tomorrow is a HUGE and long day...but at the end of it all, I'll be on US soil the day after...

Ma' salaama.

“A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles" (Tim Cahill)...thank you Mark Zuckerberg.

With only 8 days left on the contract and before I fly away from Ali Baba Land for the last time, I am feeling the need to wax a little gushy and send a note of thanks to Mark Zuckerberg. Yes, I said Mark Zuckerberg. 

You see, for months now...since late November, I have been an evening and weekend prisoner of sorts.  A la "Rapunzel in the tower", except not a princess, and not that young, and, well - you get the point.  Everything was exciting when I arrived. I was given a car and access to just about anything Kuwait had to offer.  Then, as news of the pending loss of our contract came, little freedoms and luxuries started going away - the first of which was the car.  Then there were warnings and urgings to lay low...stick close to your apartments...don't go out in crowds...don't gather with groups of other Americans (for fear of becoming a target?)...etc. 

The routine has been to work 12 hours a day plus commute Sundays through Thursdays and then escape to Dubai or Abu Dhabi on the weekends or just hang out in the proverbial tower and read, watch movies, exercise...and stay connected with the rest of the world. Luckily, I am mostly content with that...but am itching for freedom and to have a little more control of my destiny again.  No more Dubai escapes because they collected our passports in early January. Haven't seen it since.

There has been no better way that I have seen to stay connected with the rest of the world than the internet.  Especially when I've been very limited geographically and living about 8-9 hours in the future from most of the people I know and love. And through the internet...(thanks Al Gore ;-) ) the information superhighway paved the way for Facebook.  Seriously, I don't have any idea how I would have kept my sanity here without it. So, yes, thank you Mark Zuckerberg and friends, for what started as a way to connect with fellow Harvard students and has grown into over 600 million active users worldwide.  I'm deeply gratified and beholden to you.

I've been living in two or three timezones since I got here, trying to keep up mentally with what time it is in other places.   The Kuwait time zone (AST - Arabia Standard Time)...Eastern Standard for my east coast family and friends and Central Standard, for my group of friends in the midwest, Texas, Arkansas...I also spent a good bit of time mentally in Pacific Standard and Mountain and sometimes even Hawaiian Standard, depending on where I had to call to speak to candidates.  As a recruiter, one must call when the candidate is awake.

But, the simple act of being able to log on at any time from the Middle East and see that Holly just had a "kick ass run" or posted a great new pic of my Izzy... or that it was going to be "another great day in the sandhills" for Bryan...or that Sam was surfin'...or that NC State was playing and sadly, still sucks :(...or to see what Rebecca was making for dinner tonight...to see your snow pictures, your Thanksgiving pictures, your Christmas pictures...to know you had a birthday today...to see how pissed off Kate and Norman were at Sarah Palin's latest antics...to learn what was going on in Susannah's mind at the moment...to be shocked at who thinks Glenn Beck is an actual life form...to read your witty anecdotes...to nearly fall off my chair laughing at anything Holli Poole Teubner posts!!! I am going to start a fan page for you, Holli.  Tell your friends to get ready!  To be able to listen to the music Jake was listening to almost simultaneously since he never seems to sleep.  The ability to feel like I am sitting right there with you all at almost any time has kept me connected, kept me grounded, made me realize what is truly important in life, and has been the greatest gift and comfort. And there have been tragically sad times when I have grieved with you for the loss of your children, your parents, your friends.  Death, although an unavoidable part of life, still takes the deepest toll on us as the loss of that loved one is irrecoverable.  My love and warmest healing thoughts still go out to you each day and night.

I am so sad to think how the countless military men and women and those traveling to distant lands for non-military reasons over the years had to get by with handwritten letters that could be delivered months after they were sent and who could make the occasional phone call once a month or so depending on their mission and where they were in the world.  That is likely how they built the camaraderie and brother/sisterhood with each other in ways I may not have built the same while here...although I have managed to make some amazing friends here from all over the world that I know will be part of my lifelong cosmic family that I will stay in touch with.  So, really, I have had the best of both worlds.  I have said it before and it still holds true, I am a lucky somebody.

Time is different here in the desert.  I don't know what it is...the long days, the endless sunshine, the time difference...not sure.  But though I have only been here around 8 months, it feels like it has been about 3 years.  Maybe Kuwait time is like dog years...? Not sure. But so much has happened in that time.

I came here to have an adventure - and WHAT an adventure I have had! I've worked side by side with beautiful people from India, Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, the Phillipines, Australia, England, Scotland, Germany, Africa, Ukraine, and Poland... I've been to shisha cafes and local souks and spice markets that were lifted right off the pages of some exotic tale from the Arabian Nights...I've lived amongst the Kuwaiti's and witnessed their beauty and their naivete and their harshness and been intrigued by their bedouin habits (good and bad). I've seen and been apalled by racism and misogyny the likes of which I hope I never encounter again anywhere.  And with that, I have felt utterly helpless because this quite simply isn't the place to be THAT American and try to take a stand and fight for what you believe in.  That will land you squarely in jail and whatever else that might entail without exception.  I think my powers for good will be better served elsewhere.

I've seen how people live in a country with seemingly unlimited monetary resources and been amazed at how they are satisfied to have so much and still have no idea how to keep the place clean or how to enforce traffic laws or how to keep their children safe in cars with child seats (or even seatbelts!).  I've seen children on dashboards, or in the rear windows climbing all over the place while mommy is talking on the phone and darting in and out of traffic.  They all say, "Insha'Allah".  If Allah wills. God willing. The explanation for taking no precautions of any kind with safety, security, etc. boils down to Insha'Allah. It boggles the reasonable mind. Vive la cultural difference!

I came here with the remains of a broken heart, and have literally marveled as it healed and grew back stronger and more whole until the memory faded almost completely and sheer relief set in to replace it. I got my groove back...my Micheleness, the me that I always have been but had been really kind of putting on a back burner for YEARS to try to be what someone else wanted. Perish the thought of that ever happening again.

I came with a happy sense of adventure and peace  and wonder...and leave with the addition of a renewed sense of self and meaning and wisdom that I would not trade for anything whatsoever. Like I said, I am a lucky somebody.

I have run in the desert.  I have seen camels chasing cars because stupid Americans fed them sticky buns.  I have seen a girl with a monkey walk into a Starbucks.  I have run along the coast of the Persian Gulf.  Completely and utterly sublime. I have spent months in temps above 125 degrees F... and had the most marvelous view one could ask for right outside my bedroom window every single day.  I have witnessed moonrises and sunrises the likes of which I have NEVER seen anywhere.  I will miss those the most.  And the air here..it smells like warm, spicy, sugar.  Enchanting. Unless you are near one of the sewage areas.  Then it takes your breath away in the most unappealing fashion. 

The most amazing experiences have been with the people.  The people here.  Unforgettable.  And the people out there.  You.  My friends and family from around the globe across timezones.  You have inspired me.  You've given me new books to read...movies to watch...ideas to ponder...new music to add to my life soundtrack...sent me care packages, birthday wishes, light and love, laughs - lots and lots of laughs...you've managed to make me feel missed and loved and hugged from across an ocean and a continent or two.  Admissions of high school crushes, a marriage proposal (don't worry, I'm not holding you to that!), political and philosophical arguments, offers for dates and drinks and friendships and a beautiful fantasy or two. 

I've even managed to fall a bit for one of you. Something I didn't even know I could still do.  Sometimes it is all in the timing. . Ah, well, c'est la vie - no matter either way.  It was lovely for a while and I will take it with me and always smile and always remember the way it felt and the way you made me feel. Beautiful. Desired. Understood. Interesting. Alive. If ever our paths cross again, I shall be nothing short of delighted. You awakened something I thought long dead, Professor.  I love you for free.

I leave Kuwait with beautiful memories, the adventure of a lifetime, with peace and love and stillness in my soul.  I leave with gratitude for the experience and with a powerful feeling of contentment for the present moment.  The next adventure is just around the corner, and I'm ready and open for it.  Come along with, if your spirit wills it.

Ma'salaama, my friends.  Shukran.

Of love and other misunderstandings...this one is self indulgent and just for me.

Ok, so the universe and her stars, black holes, nebulas and whatnot seem to be in conspiracy to teach me some quick and dirty lessons...to jolt me with some much needed reminders... and gently coax me into letting my guard down a little bit, so I figured it was time to write it all down and sort of let the demons work themselves out and see what sort of resolution I reach at the end, if any... WARNING! Don't read on unless this sort of drivel genuinely interests you...this is a totally self-serving post that is all for me. I'm documenting it basically as a bookmark for where my head is at this time in my life.

Love. The great conqueror, divider, inspirer, crusher, savior, destroyer, CONFOUNDER...and the most misunderstood of emotions and overused of words or sentiments. Love has been on my mind a lot lately. So, of course that makes me special and completely unique just like everyone else in the world....but in honor of February's favorite Hallmark holiday...here we go.

I've been evaluating past loves, things I thought were love, wished were love, hoped were love (you know, how when you know for certain it isn't love, but you hope it is because it would simplify things and make them so much easier because you know, he's nice, he's there, he calls, it's convenient, he doesn't totally piss me off, etc....but everybody says "OMG, he's such a catch"...and so you stick around for the ultimate in mediocrity.

Mostly, I've been evaluating relationships. My past relationships. My behavior in those relationships and after those relationships. Other people's relationships. Cultural differences. Preconceived notions. Expectations. Lies I told myself. Things I put up with. Bargains I made with myself. Things I settled for. The reasons I settled, bargained, put up with...you get the point. It would take the rest of the decade to write it all down and go into each nuance and lesson individually, so I will skip right ahead to what I have learned about me that has revealed to me what it is that I want from a relationship.

I certainly don't meet the expectations that many men have or that they seem to have somewhat been trained to expect over the years through repetition in other relationships. I'm low maintenance, with high standards for ease and simplicity. I don't want a lot, but what I want is everything (to me)...and according to my good friends of both the male and female persuasion, what I want is actually pretty different than what everyone else seems to want.

On regrets. I have none. Well, maybe a few. I'm passionate, can be impulsive and have never feared taking a leap...even if the outcome was that I splattered on the floor of the grand canyon the way Wile E. Coyote always does when foiled by that damned Roadrunner...But I really don't regret the pain, the heartbreak, betrayal, the resulting self doubt, the ache, the emptiness or the sorrow that I have felt associated with the end of certain relationships. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret losing. Life and loss have taught me so much and left me so much wiser and richer in the knowledge of what I DO want. And what I don't want. And what I won't do again. And what I'd like to do that I never have. And what I can't compromise on.

So, for me...I always come back to the cliche "life is too short". But, let's face it, it really is. There's so much to do and so much happiness to be had out there. I watch other people in their relationships and see so much sorrow. So much settling. So much "stuckness". Stagnancy. (Lot's of S words...).  There's a much better "S" word, ya'll.  Sex.  But that is a topic for another blog...

People cause their stagnancy themselves, of course. We all do. We are all as much to blame for our unhappiness as our happiness, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we can get on with the business of being happy. Seriously.  The responsibility lies upon each of us to be happy.  Or not.  But OWN IT.   It is ultimately YOUR decision. And YOUR responsibility. Noone else's.  And it is truly not created by your current economic, romantic relationship, or even health situation.  It is a choice. Mmmm hmm, yep, there I go again with that word. Choice.  It rings truer to me than just about anything I can come up with.  I've seen in action in myself and others and have been observing it with great fascination all my life. I am an avid believer in choice.

The ever present question. What do I want, then? What DO I want? What is acceptable? Not? Desirable? Not? I don't have this daunting list of qualities that no man could ever aspire to that he must live up to or anything like that.  Not what I am saying. He doesn't have to be "this tall" or wear "these clothes" or drive "that car" or have a certain career or pedigree.

I do want and daresay need or require an intellectual attraction coupled with physical desire and multiplied by a shared appreciation for silence and stillness with a healthy dose of travel and adventure, an endless supply of things to learn and grow from with each other, a dash of challenge, several handfuls of mystery. An open mind is primary, as is tolerance and the balls to stand up to an injustice when the situation calls for it.

I don't want clowny, flashy, bravado or machismo. I don't want stuff, I don't want someone to try to impress me. I'll be impressed if you speak to that which impresses me, no need to try. I want my soul to be set on fire and to discover new depths and little things that tickle me just because they are associated with the object of my affection. I don't want to be supported or any of that sugar daddy nonsense.

I want easy, slow, deliberate, effortless, smiling, yearning, free of expectation, passionate, and oftentimes laughter inducing love. Not slapstick...but intelligent humor that sometimes sneaks up on me. Someone that sets me off balance and unsettles me a bit, and in all of that - actually makes me better. Not through an effort to make me better - but by being a catalyst that simply sets the inertia in motion. And of course, I'd want to be the same for them.

And I am the first to admit that I am not an easy read. Not everyone's cup of tea. Not like the other bears. I am real. I am deep. I am passionate. I am a searcher and a yearner. I am often a loner. Never lonely. I'm fiercely protective of myself and the people I love. If I let you in, well then you're in and you've managed to reach me in a place that I consider primary. And I don't take myself that seriously. I roll with it. The good, the bad...none of it lasts and life won't either, so I am here to enjoy each day in as drama free a manner as is possible. I am always learning, striving, interested, engaged. I'm actually pretty basic and simple when it all comes down to it. I guess the lesson I have learned is to be true to me. To be the individual that I am and to embrace that with all my being. And to not take the shape of the relationship I find myself in. To keep the shape of me...and to just be.

In my "match.com" profile...I state that I am not looking for someone to complete me. That I am complete already and that I am interested in finding someone who will enhance my life and whose life will be enhanced by having me in it. That seems to sum it up nicely and captures the essence. I don't want anyone to be anything but who they are and don't want anyone changing to suit me. What suits me is being me. And if you are being you, (as long as being you doesn't involve you being a dick), then we're golden. And by the way....YOU are complete already too. We all are.  I just wish everyone would realize that. Love yourself.  It will make you a MUCH better lover of others...(not to be confused with being egotistical and self centered, but real, selfless love of self)  Oxymoronic?  Nah - not really. 

Yes, I have done the match.com thing..how else are you supposed to meet someone that seems to be on your same cosmic plane but happens to be located somewhere around the world or around the cornfield, as the case may be? It was so easy to bump into my next romance back in college or even in my twenties or thirties in the workplace or friend gatherings...not so easy when I've have journeyed a little and have a better understanding of what I want from a relationship. 

The greatest compliment and comfort to me is someone that I can sit with in total quiet and ease with no need to fill the silence. If that appeals to you, you know what I mean. We can be reading, having a coffee, writing, gazing at a view, or simply lost in thought. That sort of peace and simple beauty is, to me, priceless and sadly more rare than love itself.

And if that sort of concept doesn't speak to you and you decide you kinda dig the other person (in this case, me) and then TRY to make that your thing, because you're infatuated and likely don't have a real good sense of yourself - let me assure you right off the bat, it won't work. Move on and find someone that needs what you need. That sort of settling or trying to change yourself for someone else surfaces as resentment and annoyance later when the initial "being in love" chemicals wear off.  In other words, find your own bliss...find someone whose puzzle parts fit with yours and stop trying to make a relationship with whomever you are currently infatuated with just because they are there and you are lonely. (I'm speaking to me as much as anyone here.)

I am a traveler and an adventurer.  A seeker, to be sure.  But I am NOT an adrenaline junkie. I am not an "on the go-er". I do not have to fill every moment with activity and I do not want to.  I do not need to always be on the hunt for the next fun thing. I have been hang gliding, bungee jumping, motorcycle riding, driven in Kuwait (YIKES)and yes, I would like to sky dive sometime...but am not darting from activity to activity to fill my space.   I'd prefer to hike Macchu Pichu and do it in utter silence.  Sometimes Macchu Pichu is just a 6 mile run, or getting lost in a bookstore, or watching your kid play soccer. 

There are few things I enjoy more than Just. Being. Still. Granted, I like being still in different places. Like a museum, a beach, an airport, a bed, a chair with a book, a tree, a table with a bottle of wine and a really good friend (romantic or not) and great conversation.

Then I discovered, and really if I'm being honest, I remembered that I actually like being alone. That doesn't mean "I Vant to Be Alone".... at least not all the time. It just means that I am perfectly content with it. Happy even. Quite. The happiest I've ever been. And I am not willing to give that up to mold myself into someone else's ideal of what a woman should be or what a relationship should be. I've found that people come to relationships with all these expectations and their own lists of how it should go, and how the other person should act if you do this, or that. I don't want expectations.  Love? Yes.  Commitment?  Certainly.  Understanding, forgiveness, intimacy? Absolutely. Sharing, growing, communication? Si, si, si! But no preconceived notions. People and relationships don't come with a manual or a table of contents.  Each moment is what it is. 

This is where my favorite Tom Robbins quotes come into play...well, two of them anyway...

•  The first:  "Love is the ultimate outlaw.  It just won't adhere to any rules.  The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice.  Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question.  The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate.  My love for you has no strings attached.  I love you for free."  
• And the second:  “When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

So, a committed romantic relationship is not something I will likely find myself in again until true compatibility and boundaries and trust and attraction and comfort are established. I won't find myself in a committed relationship until I find myself in a situation I can't see any other way. That WE can't see any other way (that old magic, as they say...)  Too many times, I have "found" myself in a relationship because it seemed like the thing to do, or what he wanted, or it was just a relief to not be on the dating market, which CAN be quite stressful.  No more.  Never again.  The next relationship will happen because it can't help but be... whatever "it" happens to look like.  Whether we live next door to one another or across town...different states, different countries...just not different planets.  I'm not ready for inter-planetary mating just yet.

Love. Companionship. Deep friendship. Trust. Respect. Forgiveness. Understanding. Belief. And a certain mature ability to converse and tackle and learn and discover and disagree and find simple joy and beauty in every day things. That's what I want. That's what moves me.  That. I'll have that, please.

I guess it all boils down to one thing. (yes, I'm Channeling Curly from City Slickers). One thing. I want someone who is genuinely comfortable in his own skin and knows who he is, and likes who I am.

Oh, and who sets my loins on fire. Yeah...I'll take that too. :-)