Sweet, succulent FREEDOM!!

It is amazing what a gift time and perspective can be.  On this gorgeous winter solstice night...and just a few short days before Christmas, I can say with utter conviction and clarity that I am the happiest and the most at peace that I have ever been. 

You see, for the first time in several years, I will experience an angst and drama free holiday season that does not involve walking around on egg shells made of barbed wire.  I have the faintest memory of numerous such seasons that have gone by and only found myself reminded by them when I noticed that I was just completely enjoying the hell out of myself and looking more forward to the season of merry and resolutions than I can ever remember. 

I'm finding that life, my life, while wrought with plenty of perils and certain disappointments from time to time, is simply quite amazing.  I have made amazing connections with myself, the world and the people in it that have at times surprised me, delighted and even bewildered me.  Some have enlightened me, others disappointed me, but the simple act of just being and feeling free is, as cliche as it will sound - just so damned liberating!!

I have less than 52 days left in Kuwait (16 of which will be spent in the US!) and do not have a job waiting for me on the other end and I am not tense nor filled with doubt or fear.  I do not have any romantic prospects on the horizon (at least that I am aware of)...I do not have a giant nest egg stashed away, nor do I have a lot of the things that generally tend to make people feel secure and safe. 

But I feel good.  Really good.  About myself, my abilities, my perspective, my life, about everything.  It's been an incredible evolution and it definitely feels like Stella has got her groove back, ya'll. 

The life I live is unconventional.  It is moral, it causes no harm, it makes me whole, it gives me pleasure and it is what I make it.  But it is not the life for everyone.  Not everyone's cup of tea, one might say.  Just as I am not everyone's cup of tea.  And I have not only become OK with that, but I kind of dig it in an almost prideful way. 

I've done some pretty neat stuff over the past couple of years.  I left a toxic marriage...and left it knowing it was the right thing to do, but turned inside out and upside down from the pain of it.  Today, it is so far removed from where and who I am that I remember little of it and feel nothing but relief and gratitude for the release from its rollercoaster, bipolar, and oh so dark madness.

I left all my friends and family behind to set out on an adventure in a foreign country...a muslim country...a country where women are thought of and treated as property...a country where one's nationality dictates how you are viewed and treated in all circumstances.  And what an adventure it has been.  It didn't turn out as planned, but nothing really ever does, but it was what I needed and I have learned as much about myself in 5 months as I have in a lifetime.  Maybe it is more accurate to say I have remembered more... not sure.

I traveled to foreign countries alone.  Costa Rica, Kuwait, Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Bahrain...and loved every minute of it, even the crappy ones. I felt brave, fearless, kind of cool, and definitely confident.  That translated into other areas of life and it was / is a welcome addition to my life.  I've faced demons and fears, and helped a few people overcome theirs along the way and ultimately, I believe that is what it is all about. 

I've learned that we are all afraid.  All alone.  All hiding behind masks at times.  I've learned, over and over again, as my friend Jake so aptly puts it that "fear is a motherfucker" and sometimes, all the time, you just have to stare it in the face and tell it to shut up and sit down, because I've got things to do. 

I've made some leaps...done a few impulsive things that didn't necessarily end the way they were envisioned, but again - if everything was a sure thing, it really wouldn't be that interesting and I believe we'd all get pretty complacent.  As it stands, I've learned that I still believe in myself and others.  And that I still have hope and despite any setbacks, I'm pretty sure I will keep on operating that way and am living a life without regrets. 

You live, you love, you learn, you leap, sometimes you miss, sometimes you land on your feet, sometimes you end up with your ass in the air and your knickers in a knot...but EVERYTIME you have an EXPERIENCE and you FEEL and you KNOW that something in  your soul stirred and sought for something extraordinary or educational or just plain adventuresome and you walked away forever grateful for the lesson. 

That's where I am today.  Grateful for the lesson.  For the lessons.  All of them.  And free.  Free to be whatever me I want to be.  Maybe it's just me...