sometimes I feel like I am just watching other people live their lives and not really participating in mine...I wonder why that is. It has always been so. I have long felt like an outsider peeking in the window of the lives of everyone else in the world while fading into the background of my own unnoticed.
People brush past me with their friendship, dreams, hopes, fears, love, kinship, hate, envy, agendas, olive branches, ulterior motives, curiousity, desire to conquer, to outsmart me, to learn from me, to give to me, to take from me....and at the end of the day, I'm still left feeling like a stranger, somewhat less than, like someone's disappointment.....but I don't know whose. My own, I suppose. That is where all feelings come from anyway. From within. You can't pin them on someone else. Can't blame your childhood. Can't blame the economy. Can't blame the weather. Can't blame God or war or oil spills or politics. It all comes down to oneself. And in my case, myself.
I think ultimately this is why I feel comfortable, useful and even successful in roles where I can work very hard, make things happen, do some sort of service and then walk away off the grid when all is said and done. I think childhood did train me or stamp this "learned behavior" onto my person. Still not blaming the childhood, mind you, just observing how my early training taught me to sort of stand outside of everything else. I think the lesson that is so deeply ingrained in me is that if I stand just outside of everything without ever getting too close, then I can't get hurt and can't hurt anyone else.
Except we all know the opposite is true, right? Right.
I'm one of the luckiest people I know. I have some of the most amazing people in my life that I would give my life for in an instant, anytime. I found people later in life that I truly belong to and they belong to me. My family in Williamsburg. My Kate, my Letty, my Holly, my Adam, my Rick, my Christine, Kevin, Chad. And the gift of my amazing nieces and nephews...Abby, Jake, Cooper, Anabelle, JJ, Izzy, Maddie, Ashton, Jordan. Yes, you are all my children, my nieces, my nephews, my young friends, all wrapped up into your wondrous selves. Do you even know the beauty and joy and sense of belonging and acceptance you have brought to my life? I am humbled by it...and love you from the core.
And the incredible friends I have made over the years who remain close to this day, no matter the distance - Kimba, Georgy, Jake, Kimberly, Rebecca, Brent, Ann Marie, Tim, Drarell, Jason, Kimberly, JT, Jodie, and Jim. I've accomplished everything I ever set out to accomplish and imagine I will continue to do so.
Then my undoing, the gnawing and nagging, ever present feeling I carry with me no matter where I am, what I am doing, who I am with, is that of being unworthy. Unworthy. Such an unholy word. Unworthy. Who among us is unworthy? Noone. Seriously....NOONE. Certainly not me. I know that and I recognize that and it pains me to realize that regardless of logic and reason and "knowing better", that the feeling follows me everywhere I go.
My mother taught me that I was unworthy. She taught me very well every day that I lived with her that I was not good enough, not lovable, not trustable, that I was a burden, and that I did not deserve anything good from life. Growing up was lonely. Very. I am not angry about it anymore. I have let that go. I recognize that she hated herself and she projected that onto me. So, maybe with some thought and some love and some meditation and prayer - the universe will help me to let it all go. It has held me back for too long.
Letting go is a big deal for me these days and has become somewhat of a mantra. Let go. Be free. Reinvent. Follow your curiousity and your gut and your passion. If not now, when? Who is in charge of my life and my destiny? I am! I guess it is about time I got to it.
Love. Human touch. Kindness. Compassion. Camaraderie. Kinship. Family. The laughter of children and the lessons that are still there to be learned every single minute. This, I live for. Along with an unquenchable desire to help, to do, to discover, to learn, to contribute - in some small way. I'm all in.
Soul spelunker...life coach in training...a woman in love with the whole wide world .
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