I'd really like to write, but....

I'm exhausted...

there is much to say...much to share...much to process...much to be joyful about...much to cry about...much to wish for, hope for, long for...but we all know where that gets us, right? mm hmm 

I am thoroughly enjoying the best education of my life through, well...LIFE...and the journey and the loving and the losing and the exploring and discovering....

I've embarked on a new Life Coach Course with Martha Beck and am so completely immersed and inundated with studies and practice and homework whilst still trying to keep up with my yoga practice and meditation ....that it leaves my mind damn near flatlined most nights.

At the same time, I am renewed and energized and, if you can keep a secret...just dying to have someone to share this stuff with.  And, that is the beauty of it...there are so many to share it with,who want to know what's going on and what it is all about.

Yes, I still long for that person that fits the exact manifestation that I have requested from the universe...As my beautiful friend Sue taught me...ask the universe for the "perfect man for me"...not the perfect man...not someone who is this tall, with this color eyes and hair, who drives this car and makes this much money etc..Just the perfect man for me. I asked for this man last summer and I think I forgot to mention "who also happens to be available and capable of embarking on a journey with me."  Not that I am looking a gift horse in the mouth.  She certainly delivered, my friend the universe...and the journey was life changing, otherworldly and astounding...and in the end - sadly and potentially imaginary.  Fantasy fodder filler for the fella.  And the stuff that dreams are made of for me.  Luckily - I'm fantastically resilient and quite in the know about the whole "impermanence" thing that is reality and can deal. It still sucks.  It still hurts.  It is an existential loss.  And a gain in that way, in that I have truly been able to maintain truth within and to myself...and no shit, love for free....without expectations...and though the loss feels profound, it doesn't really feel like a loss.  Perhaps because it 'twas never mine to lose...or perhaps because we cannot ever lose anything that is real.  And so it goes. 

Ah well, whatever happens next will be interesting.  Life never disappoints me and always surpasses my imagination and visions...so, I sit here in my little zen bedroom in the Middle East overlooking the night sky and cityscape of Abu Dhabi with my chili pepper light on the ceiling....and am filled with wonder, hope, excitement, anticipation, for whatever is next....ready with a warm hug, a passionate kiss, and endless hours of dissolving into whateverness. 

Namaste and shit...(I am really sleepy)
Break on through...
love, just love...
see you on the other side...in the dream space...

and the lotus will arise from the mud....(is, has and will continue to...)

it is enough...

“Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where "I" does not exist, nor "you",
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ”

― Pablo Neruda
(as felt by a cricket)

words of love from my favorite Sufi poet...Rumi

Love came,
and became like blood in my body.
It rushed through my veins and
encircled my heart.
Everywhere I looked,
I saw one thing.
... Love's name written
on my limbs,
on my left palm,
on my forehead,
on the back of my neck,
on my right big toe…
Oh, my friend,
all that you see of me
is just a shell,
and the rest belongs to love.

Rumi

I didn't write it, but I could have...I so get it, viscerally, soulfully, sensually, wholly...

If you want to change the world love a man; really love him
Choose the one whose soul calls to yours clearly who sees you; who is brave enough to be afraid
Accept his hand and guide him gently to your hearts blood
Where he can feel your warmth upon him and rest there
And burn his heavy load in your fires
... Look into his eyes look deep within and see what lies dormant or awake or shy or expectant there
Look into his eyes and see there his fathers and grandfathers and all the wars and madness their spirits fought in some distant land, some distant time
Look upon their pains and struggles and torments and guilt; without judgment
And let it all go
Feel into his ancestral burden
And know that what he seeks is safe refuge in you
Let him melt in your steady gaze
And know that you need not mirror that rage
Because you have a womb, a sweet, deep gateway to wash and renew old wounds
If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Sit before him, in the full majesty of your woman in the breath of your vulnerability
In the play of your child innocence in the depths of your death
Flowering invitation, softly yielding, allowing his power as a man
To step forward towards you…and swim in the Earth’s womb, in silent knowing, together
And when he retreats…because he will…flees in fear to his cave…
Gather your grandmothers around you…envelope in their wisdoms
Hear their gentle shusshhhed whispers,
calm your frightened girls’ heart
Urging you to be still…and wait patiently for his return
Sit and sing by his door, a song of remembrance,
that he may be soothed, once more
If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Do not coax out his little boy
With guiles and wiles and seduction and trickery
Only to lure him…to a web of destruction
To a place of chaos and hatred
More terrible than any war fought by his brothers
This is not feminine this is revenge
This is the poison of the twisted lines
Of the abuse of the ages, the rape of our world
And this gives no power to woman it reduces her as she cuts off his balls
And it kills us all
And whether his mother held him or could not
Show him the true mother now
Hold him and guide him in your grace and your depth
Smoldering in the center of the Earth’s core
Do not punish him for his wounds that you think don’t meet your needs or criteria
Cry for him sweet rivers
Bleed it all back home
If you want to change the world love a man, really love him
Love him enough to be naked and free
Love him enough to open your body and soul to the cycle of birth and of death
And thank him for the opportunity
As you dance together through the raging winds and silent woods
Be brave enough to be fragile and let him drink in the soft, heady petals of your being
Let him know he can hold you stand up and protect you
Fall back into his arms and trust him to catch you
Even if you’ve been dropped a thousand times before
Teach him how to surrender by surrendering yourself
And merge into the sweet nothing, of this worlds’ heart
If you want to change the world, love a man, really love him
Encourage him, feed him, allow him, hear him, hold him, heal him
And you, in turn, will be nourished and supported and protected
By strong arms and clear thoughts and focused arrows
Because he can, if you let him, be all that you dream
~Anonymous~