dreams, cosmic phenomenons, and gratitude...it's not for the weak.

...for those who have asked, and to those who have wondered....yes.  I do still believe in love.  Love is my religion, if I were to have a religion, which I do not.  But I believe in love above all else and know love in some form is always the answer to anything. (No, not romantic love, but universal love.)  I find that reason and the ability to exercise self-restraint are also quite helpful....

In spite of my lingering belief in the magic of Cupid, I find that I do not have the constitution for it, and as such shall refrain from such endeavors and journeys in the future.  I was fortunate to finally find it and though my time on the ride was far too short, it filled me with enough wonder and magic and peace to last me this lifetime.  And that peace is what I sit with now.  No clinging to hope.  No reaching for what if's. No demands for explanations (at least not after the first week). No bargaining.  No ridiculous desires to explain away my imagined shortcomings.  Just sitting with the peace of the love that was mine, that was ours, and is now just mine.  (...remember, remember the 6th of November...this IS what love feels like. I'll never forget and you did change my life. )

I am SO grateful for the lesson and to finally know. Thank you, Universe and thank you my beautiful, spartan, and exceptionally deep and intellectual-science-nerd-Marine-Love.  Love IS a Cosmic Phenomenon indeed.

I met my match and my love and it was perfect for us both until he withdrew and I tried to make his withdrawal about me. Or maybe it was when I took a job in another country (not forever, but still).  Or when I feared he wanted to marry me (unfounded) and my subsequent remembrance of how not so good at that I am.  Or when in conversation, I was working out my personal disappointment at falling off the non-judgmental wagon and maybe all he heard was the judgment.  it's funny how our minds try to invent reasons to make sense of things.  Best to clear the mind and not think in this case.  In an alternate world, or in a more evolved time, or just different circumstances, perhaps we would have talked it over and sought solace in each others' souls - but we did not.  We retreated. We withdrew. And we lost each other. And now, here we aren't.

At the end of the day, none of the reasons matter.  As always, the constant theme of my writing and belief system is CHOICE.  We should be together because we want to be together. We should strive to understand each other and make each other better if we want to do so.  We should listen to our own hearts and make the decision that we know is right for ourselves and be true to that.  And if one of us decides that being together doesn't work for them anymore, then he or she should choose to follow that inner guidance. Too many people stay in relationships or jobs or places they don't really want to be out of fear of change or making a choice for themselves. Life is too short for that and in the end, it is a disservice to all.

To my friends who have been supportive of me, yet angry at him for this perceived transgression, please know that there was no wrong doing at all.  I love you all and appreciate your support and your words of encouragement, and I suppose it is natural to place anger and blame on him for hurting me or for ending it. You're my friends, and you want to protect me and blame him.  But know this...he didn't hurt me. He didn't wrong me. He loved me. And then he either stopped loving me or he found someone else or he decided for his own reasons that I wasn't for him or that he just couldn't be in the relationship or any other reason I will never know. 

None of these reasons are wrong.  None of these things are bad.  They are choices.  And they are his.  My choice was to go "all in" to the relationship with him because that is where my heart took me.  I was afraid but I took a risk.  And so did he.  And I am glad we did.  I am a better person for knowing him.  Regret tells me I wish I knew him more and that he knew me more, but regret is a choice too.  Regret serves no purpose.  And the anger may certainly feel justified, but in the end again - I see and feel no point in begrudging someone's choice to do what is right for them. 

Some of you, my friends, have even remarked on how grown up and well adjusted I seem with this particular take on things.  Please put THAT piece of admiration to rest!!  I am just as fucked up as anybody else.  And I WAS angry.  And I DID hurt.  I still do. I will for a long time.  There's a place in me that was empty until we loved, and that place will remain unfilled again, but with the certain memory of its existence.  I can live with that.  You see, I do feel quite lucky.

I juggled severe jet lag along with this heartbreak which did not serve me well in the end and maybe compromised my judgment during this grieving process.  Again, second guessing serves no purpose either.  It IS all about grief, you know?  Grief is grief.  A person doesn't have to die for that to be so.  The death of a dream of love can be as anguishing as the death of a person.  And I have vascillated back and forth through all the obligatory stages until I have become numb. I jetted right through shock and denial to anger and bargaining and have landed fairly squarely on acceptance.  My practice on self discovery and personal healing has very much helped me accelerate the acceptance process.  I can get just as mad and frustrated and confused and discombobulated as the next person, but I tend not to dwell there.  And above all, I really do have the most profound respect for the feelings and boundaries of others as well as their choices and I am at peace with the knowledge that I am only responsible for my own choices and my own feelings.  I cannot and do not wish to control anyone else's feelings or life and do not want anyone compromising themselves for mine. Life is to be lived.  Not put on hold.

So where am I now? I am back to where I began.  Madly in love with the world. Fascinated by people and what makes them tick. Hungry for adventure and experience.  Not afraid of risks.  At peace with myself and grateful for the experience.  I can't and I won't wallow in what might have been.  I'm endlessly thankful for what was and for being a part of it.  I've been in love maybe dozens of times, as anyone who knows me or who reads my schtuff knows....that naturally happens when you are open to the possibility.  But now...Now I have known Love.  And that, my friends is enough. 

Peace, love and happiness, babies! You only get one shot at this ride called life - make it matter!

and then one day...

you awaken to find that it was all just a dream...a lovely, impossibly beautiful dream...but a dream just the same.

From the Anonymous quote gods, "We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way." ~Author Unknown. 

That is the only answer, I suppose.

~evolution of a heart...

So. It has been some time since I last wrote anything other than a few lines about finding love.  All true and real and more than heartfelt.  Probably for me more confusing than anything.  You see,  love has always been this idea, this fantasy, this hope, this unattainable state of being for me that I have until now simply dabbled with...imagined...thought a little about....fancied myself in a few times for usually no more reason than bordeom, expectation, hope, or discovery of a new and interesting human who seemed quite interesting to discover at the time.  And in most cases - they were indeed.  Lovely people.  Interesting people. Nice people....even had I put them on paper, perhaps I could have said "just right"...or "worthy"...or "for me".

The truth is, of course they WERE just right...and of course they WERE worthy....but they were NOT for ME.   And I was not for them.  And the lesson there is that this is perfectly OK. Good, even. They WERE teachers, even when I wasn't paying attention to the lessons.

In the course of my lifetime, as I have often mentioned, I have been INCREDIBLY lucky.  I've known some amazing people...loved some wonderful and not so wonderful people...been loved...hated ..treated indifferently, and have come to know the difference...and to know that love is not always enough or is quite simply not actually love...rather it's a hope we assign to a relationship that cannot really ever manifest because it does not actually exist to begin with.  Even if we spend years pretending that it does.

My mother/friend/Kate says it all comes down to hormones or chemistry or something like that.  I think there is wisdom in that.  And I think that is true for many relationships. I think it has been true for most of mine.  I also think/believe/know that once in a great while...something remarkable can happen between two people that transcends the superficial and the chemical and is truly remarkable and life changing.  Rare.  Something that moves towards you/we/me/us/ whoever....with gravity and momentum or inertia and what almost seems like purpose...and it either sneaks up on you or smacks you upside the head or both and says, "HEY!!!! What the fuck are you waiting for?? I am right here and I have been all this time. Let's do this thing baby, because we ARE love."

And then, you may, (or I may) true to your/my normal fashion, say "who the HELL are you? Go away" or "no thanks! We're all full up of crazy here"....OR.....ORRRRR, you may simply respond as if responding to your oldest and most trusted friend, say "hey, yeah, whatever you're talking about sounds great to me.  Not sure why...it just does...suggest away.  I'm down."

Seem kind of easy and mild mannered for you?  Yeah?  Well, my friends, I have discovered at the tender age of 43 and now 44 that THAT is what love is. 

It sneaks up on you, says "hey sugar...whatcha doin'? wanna go skiing or maybe to a rally or maybe catch the next shuttle to the moon?" and you say,"hey yeah, that sounds amazing"...I don't know why and I can't explain it - but yes.  Let's do it.  Hey, let's even do something sooner"...

...and next thing you know, this person who has been your "I've only met you a few times in person and always wondered about you who lives in a different city/state/country" friend is transformed overnight into your greatest and most amazing love.  Instantly.  Without discussion or negotiation. Just. Love.  The one who makes all the songs make sense.  The one with whom everything is natural and good and effortless and endlessly interesting and attractive and alluring and so many other things. The one who makes having coffee and eggs sound like the erotic adventure of a lifetime.

The one your skeptical little heart now believes it was born for.

You see, friends...love really ISN'T hard.  It isn't elusive.  It isn't about work and effort and endless misunderstandings and pain and make-ups and trying to be "more than's" or reinventing yourself to please someone else.  Or contorting your soul to try to be acceptable. It isn't sticky (except in a good way), it isn't mean, it isn't something you have to prove.  Love. Just. Is.

Before anyone takes issue and wants to tell me it is hard, and you do have to work at it - yes, yes, yes...we do have to work at relationships and there will be misunderstandings and hurts and times to explain, etc...but I'm talking about LOVE itself.  Not the relationship.  And I firmly believe and have always believed that with a love that allows you to be free to be yourself and to grow without judgment or the need to try to make another bend to your will...well that is a love that will last and will turn your life upside down in the best possible way and is the kind of love I want. 

As one of my favorite spiritual leader/philosophers puts it, "You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free"....Thich Nhat Hanh. 

Yes.  Exactly. 

This particular brand of love doesn't have room for jealousies or worries and fears.  Infidelity is not a factor. Dishonesty is not an option.  Because first and foremost - there is the recognition that noone is owned by you and you aren't owned by anyone unless you give them that permission.  And conversely, two people loving each other completely and freely who give each other space to be, and to live and to grow don't have time to consider going anywhere else for affection or comfort. Or to lie. It ceases to be a consideration. And if it seems I am kidding myself? So be it.  This is the truth and freedom I live in and quite frankly, I dig it on the soul level, ya'll.

So the lesson in all this is manyfold.  Is manyfold a word? It works in this context I believe.  I've learned in a lifetime of teaching myself how to love myself because the wolves didn't know how to teach me (and I forgive them for that...they did all that they knew how to do.) - that once I returned to myself, and allowed myself to just ride the tide of the universal river of experience and to embrace whatever comes my way and learn from it...to still love myself even when I made mistakes...to forgive myself...to take each experience for what it was and to remain open myself to adventure to experience to life to the world and to love - then love walked right in and said "honey, I'm home" and it was like love had been there all along.  Because, in fact, it had. 

"So, this IS what love feels like."

Peace. Magic. Belonging.  Giving. Expanding....like the universe.  Love. Welcome home.

~love begins with a metaphor...

or is it a cliche? 

Pretty trick of the universe...(a gift, actually) ...just as I made peace with the possibility that a certain part of my life was over, love walks in and says "honey, I'm home".

What can I do, but say "welcome, love.  It's beautiful to meet you at last."

...and so it goes.

looks like it's gonna be an arab spring....

so much more to follow later when I am in a position to share details ( which basically means when I have details....).  But it would seem that I am returning to the middle east and camelkarma will not need a name change after all, as many suggested  (and I never really entertained).

The basics....if anyone is actually reading....I am going to Abu Dhabi...for a three year (at least) gig.  This time it will not be with the USG...but with a university system in the UAE. 

It should be interesting ....let's see...

ma'salaamah my friends.

so it goes and goes...

thoughts on karma, crazy, and acceptance...

OK, for anyone who regularly reads my self indulgent thoughts and drivel, I have a question for you.  Do you take responsibility for your own actions?  Do you find that you have the ability to experience things as fully and openly as possible and then if they end or change, simply accept it, thank the universe for it and then move on? If you make a mistake, can you forgive yourself?  If someone else makes a mistake, can you forgive them?  Do they need to ask or beg first, or can you just give it because it is the thing that heals you?  Or do you find yourself in the mindset of blaming others...seeking revenge...seeking to hurt....misrepresenting yourself (a la "wolf in sheep's clothing") in order to gain information or again to use to inflict hurt? 

Ok, so this is more than one question, it is several questions, just work with me here....

If the former set of questions describes your approach and your outlook - KUDOS and I'm glad to know you.  You have evolved to a status of at least some enlightenment and are likely approaching life in a glass is way full kind of way and are probably generally pretty happy.  That in and of itself is your reward. Karma will be kind to you as well.  That's how this stuff works.

However, if the latter set of questions is more representative of you, then I have to say "STOP". Right now.  Not just for the people you are causing completely unnecessary pain to, but for yourself.  The negative energy and efforts you are flinging into the atmosphere are toxic and are mucking it up for the rest of us.  And for you.  You can choose the good wolf, instead of the bad,  You.  And only YOU, are responsible for what you do, say, how you react, what good or harm you put into the world.  I repeat. ONLY YOU. 

Let's say, hypothetically of course, you had a relationship that you thought was the "be all, end all" and that you were going to ride off into the sunset together and, as it turns out, this did not happen.  Anyone ever go through that? Yeah? Um, yes, of course you have.  We all have. 

So, is the right approach to this pretty common human relationship dynamic occurence that just happens to be part of life and growing and figuring out your path, to seek to malign, harm, publicly (or covertly) disembowel this person who no longer returns your affections?  Should you also then seek to find other people who may have been involved with your estranged lover and try to befriend them under the guise of let's say "sisterhood" or "brotherhood"?  And then should you point out all your commonalities as you try to build repoire and trust with this person (that you don't know, by the way) and then start chiseling away at their current relationship with your ex and play with their emotions with a conspiratorial, "Hey... this person did me wrong, and is doing you wrong, let me tell you how awful he is and then let's bring him down" kind of mantra?  All the while showering compliments and affection and "you're so special's" mingled with a little bit of gut wrenching tidbits about your sex life, history, and leftover feelings for the object of your affection, just to sort of give a sense of kinship and what you apparently think is perspective? And to make sure the other person KNOWS that you are still involved in some way and that you have some sort of power and pull that is so strong that you just "know" even death can't pull you apart?

Really?  Well, to get real simple and maybe "break it down Barney style for you" (you know, the big purple dinosaur).... you are just mean. More than a little thoughtless and self involved.  And consequently kind of scary. And vindictive. And although quite clever and manipulative on a world class level, you are not doing yourself any favors.  Karma will reward you also.  Unfortunately with just more of the same.  Because if you view the world through "I'm getting fucked over" glasses - then that is exactly what you are going to continue to see.  This does not sound like fun to me. No gracias!

And this thing that you call "love" is maybe better described as obsession.  Love does not seek to destroy.

Consider this. Human beings are flawed.  We have made mistakes.  We have been hurt.  We have hurt others. We will continue to hurt and be hurt, love and be loved in return (or not).  We are trying to figure out our way and our path and there is no instruction manual. Some of us are better at it than others.  Sometimes we fall in love with each other.  Sometimes only one of us does.  Sometimes, people leave a relationship.  No shit, it happens EVERY DAY.  Sometimes people live happily ever after.  Some do a decent job of acting like they do.   And others move in separate directions for reasons of their own that may not quite be what the person they are leaving had in mind.  This is called "life" and "love" and free will and is what happens whenever one is involved with another human.

What the person left behind chooses to do with that?....well that can determine so much and also says much about who he/she is.  And if choosing to villainize someone who has just chosen not to be involved with you anymore while stalking someone they have current or recent involvment with is your deal, then what I have to say can best be said in quote form from Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets".... remember this one?

"go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."

And, then, just LET IT GO.  Exhale, thank the universe for the experience and the lessons, and move on. Even Tupac had extraordinary insight and wisdom on this front when he said,

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

Yeah, I never thought I'd be quoting Tupac either. Funny how life goes sometimes.
So, the longwinded moral of this story is, accept responsibility for your actions, your reactions, your words and consider that putting out venom into the world might not be the way to go.  Shit happens.  Relationships end.  Someone always gets the short end of the stick.  Roll through it. Things don't always work out the way we hope or plan.  There is no "predestination" or grand plan for what is going to happen.  No one is "made for" anyone else.  We gel, or we don't.  We grow together, or we don't.  We have chemistry, or we don't (and chemistry alone does not a forever and ever love connection make). Know that you can make the choice every minute to change your life and move in a positive or a negative direction. 

Hindsight is for the weak and second guessing is a fool's tool.  It will just make you feel worse and justify potentially harmful behaviors. It is your life.  And it is short. Make it good. Make it happy.  And if you have people in your life who are validating the victim inspired manipulative and vindictive behavior, it might be time to give them the boot. Or change your tune and see if they change theirs.  Either way, I'm betting you aren't happy feeling this way and the answer is simple.  Stop. Now. 

Oh, and leave me out of it. I've got better things to do. That whole "hell hath no fury" thing just makes the rest of us look bad.

To know what you believe is freedom...and freedom is primary

I believe in you.
I believe in me.

I believe the world is a beautiful place.
I believe that exercise and sweating are good for the mind, body and soul.
I believe in freedom, in liberty, in peace.
I believe in personal responsibility.

I believe in friends.
I believe in family, biological or chosen.

I believe in walking away from bad, negative, toxic relationships -no matter what the relationship.

I believe in good. Doing good. Being good. Choosing good. Seeing the good. Good.

I believe nearly everything we do and that happens to us is a choice, with the exception of sexual orientation, skin color, genetic makeup and to which parents you are born.  Perhaps some others.  But mostly, you have more power to choose than you may wish to accept responsibility for.  It's your life - why not make some positive choices?

I believe heterosexuals are born to love the opposite sex and that homosexuals are born to love the same gender. This is not a choice. (and yes, history has shown us there are a few individuals who have "chosen" more as a message than just being who they are, but those aren't the people I am referring to...I refer to "most" of us.  I didn't choose to be heterosexual, yet, I only dig dudes in the sexual department. )  And I believe that ALL are human beings.  And that being human is the only thing that matters. (and treating one another as such)

On that note, I believe in human rights. That means the rights for every human being to be treated like a human being. Regardless of color, religion, sexual orientation, political viewpoint, handicap, economic situation, health, gender, country of origin, social status, career field, level of fitness, perceived attractiveness.

I also believe humans may forfeit that right if their actions violate the safety, well-being, and life-force of other humans.  In the end we are animals, and being human, like everything else, is a choice.

I believe in reserving judgment and allowing empathy and compassion to guide your voice and your actions.
Along with logic and reason...

I believe in having a backbone.
I believe in standing up for what you believe.
I believe in and support gay marriage, as I believe in equal and human rights. That's right, for ALL human beings.

I believe in religious freedom.
I believe in respect.
And I believe that in order to get it, you must give it and mean it.

I believe it is completely natural and healthy to disagree with other people (as long as this is not your daily modus operandi and sole way of interacting with others).

I also believe there is a way to effectively and respectfully disagree and that this distinction can make ALL the difference.

I believe in love.
I do not believe I am altogether sure what love is or means. I am learning.

I believe marriage is for people who want to have babies, and for anyone who simply wants to be married for their own reasons regardless of their gender, orientation, religious or racial affiliations.
I do not know that it is for me.

I believe in truth. Even when it's difficult, especially when it is difficult, because nothing can cause destruction so complete as when dishonesty and mistrust are introduced.

I believe in finding my own rhythm.
I believe in the nonconventional.
I believe in magic.
I believe in monogamy.
I am not sure this is the real natural order of the human animal. 
I believe in it nonetheless.  Maybe it is more appropriate to say "I hope for it".

I believe religion is not only the opiate of the masses, it is the cyanide (Tom Robbins).
I believe in taking care of the earth and our resources.

I believe political parties are bullshit.
All of them.

I believe in beauty. Art. Music. Nature. Animals. Poetry. Literature. Warm breezes. Ocean waves. Mountainous splendor. Desert moons. Kindness. Children's laughter. Appreciation.  Love.

I believe we should all cook more and share wine and conversation and turn the damn reality tv shows off.
I believe we should really try to connect with each other instead of holding each other at arms length or judging. Or holding back for fear of judgment.

I believe that good wine is the nectar of the gods, sunlight held together by water, a work of pure art.

I believe in learning and growing from our mistakes.

I believe in helping others.

Life is beautiful. Death sucks. Them's the breaks. It's going to happen. Celebrate life. But let the dead take care of themselves. You'll join them soon enough. Enjoy your life.  Remember those who passed, but don't pass with them.

I believe people can change. But it takes a hell of a lot of hard work.
and Commitment. 
and Practice.

I believe the need for control will destroy us as a species and perhaps a planet.

I believe in taking deep breaths, enjoying the moment, the people, the places, and the journey we are with, in, and on.

I believe everyone should adopt the mantra "look within".

I believe in happiness.

I believe that heaven and hell are not places you "go", but that we create them for ourselves right here on earth through our choices and actions.

I believe in a universal energy that connects us all and makes us responsible to one another and should humble us and cause us to act with kindness and respect towards one another.

I believe in karma.

I do not believe in any one deity or idealogue or dogma.
I do believe if you believe in a deity, religion, faith - then that deserves my respect.
And by respect, I mean, I have no reason to belittle you because of your beliefs.
I'll gladly engage with you in a debate, but belittle you, try to discourage you, try to "convert" you?
No.  I will not. 
And I won't force a debate on you. 
But I will participate. 

And as long as your belief system does not violate the human rights of others or the safety of the planet or endorse the practice of any sort of physical, mental or emotional destruction or enslavement of others in any way, then have at it.  If it does, please reconsider. 

I especially do not believe any religion is valid that condemns the religions, lives, rights, freedoms, cultures and customs of others just because they are different.

I believe in taking chances.
I believe in leaping. Even sometimes before thinking.
(though thinking is recommended and encouraged...)
I believe in having the right to say "I was wrong".

I believe there is more than one love for all of us and if we are journeying well and learning from it, then the next love can be richer than the previous.

I believe that I am whatever I think I am.  And you are whatever you think you are.  Make it something to believe in.

I believe you can not know true love until you fully love and accept yourself. And I believe I am getting there. Mission not yet accomplished, lots of self-discovery yet to be had and experienced. Lots more lessons to learn. Lots more acceptance to practice. But getting there.

I believe in forgiveness. And that everyone (mostly) deserves a second chance. Not necessarily a third.

I believe, more and more each day, in just being me. Me.

I believe in simplicity.
I enjoy complex.
I believe even the complex is simple at its core.

I believe the world is an amazing place and that we are each out here for each other. The connectedness thing. It's true. Pantheism.  Don't know what that is?  Look it up.

I believe in commitment. To oneself. To another. To friends. To a dream. To your life. To good. To love. To healing. To seeing, hearing, tasting, touching and smelling the world with an open heart and an open mind.

I believe in you.

I believe in me.

I believe in reinvention.
I believe in discovery.
I believe in learning, evolving, growing.
I believe in insatiable curiosity.

I believe that's what this journey is all about.

I believe that when I meet people who move me on the soul level, love me for who I am, and allow me to be me without trying to possess or control me, then those people are my cosmic kin.  My tribe.

Welcome.