Contracts that go BUMP, in the night....

There are so many things I will miss about Kuwait...and so many things I won't miss a bit.
Here's a little free style thinking on which is what...

I will miss...

The MOON.  Enormous, the colors of burnt orange, brilliant gold and gleaming bone white.  Amazing and breathtaking as it rises over the Persian Gulf.

The SUN and the sunrises.  Also on the gulf...big, fiery, red, magenta, fuschia, then the familiar golden-white blinding light that burns intensely all day long.

130 degree heat.  Really I will.  It's a cleansing, hot, convection oven heat...and holds you like a freshly spent lover on a hot Carolina night.

My friends...Bob, Erika, Andrea, Berdine, Todd, Helen, Mac, Kris, Jamar, John, Julio, Dawnie, MG, Oliver, Terrie, Ashraf, Imran, Danny, Alwyn, Ashley, Velwyn, Sid, Vishal, Prashant, Paul, Eknath, Joshy, the Hot Firemen....and more I can't even remember at the moment.

Running along the Persian Gulf.  Utterly amazing. Surreal.  I mean, who gets to do that??

Delivery sushi...quality, delicious and cold every time.  And the miso soup? Piping hot.  Every time.

The sight of the oilfields just before dawn.  Eerily beautiful, like another planet. 

The bedouin barbecues...

The diversity and richness of this place and the astounding contradictions between extreme ridiculous wealth and not ever being taught how to clean or care for things or surroundings.  (that's a toss up between "will miss" and "will not miss".)

Building security...on watch 24 hours a day.

All tile floors and no carpet.  I love tile.

The call to prayer.  While not religious at all myself, I find these times very endearing and try to give them the reverence they deserve. 

Air that smells like warm, spicy sugar. I think it is the shisha cafes, not sure - but it is delicious.

The best Indian food I have ever had. Bar none. 

Meetings with the Legion of Doom, which I found particularly amusing and entertaining.

Some things I won't miss quite so much....

The way the bathrooms smell at Arifjan...you shouldn't walk into a bathroom and almost wretch due to stench.

Toilets where toilet paper isn't allowed. (I mean, ICK!)

Kuwaiti drivers.  STAY IN YOUR LANE!

The role of women and the inequality of women. 

Feral, unfriendly cats.

People who don't like dogs.

The phrase "Insha'Allah".  I'm a fan of personal responsibility. Owning your choices...

That weird Australian dude in the gym who stares and gets in my space..BACK the F off, dude. I'm working out, not here to be chatted up.

The Chicken Hawk.  Ya'll who know, know who I mean. 

Edited movies...although a little funny, still frustrating.

The distance of my friends and family in the states.

Paper shredding. 

Incoming IPC's.


I may come back and add to these as I remember....I'm going to sleep now for tomorrow is a HUGE and long day...but at the end of it all, I'll be on US soil the day after...

Ma' salaama.

“A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles" (Tim Cahill)...thank you Mark Zuckerberg.

With only 8 days left on the contract and before I fly away from Ali Baba Land for the last time, I am feeling the need to wax a little gushy and send a note of thanks to Mark Zuckerberg. Yes, I said Mark Zuckerberg. 

You see, for months now...since late November, I have been an evening and weekend prisoner of sorts.  A la "Rapunzel in the tower", except not a princess, and not that young, and, well - you get the point.  Everything was exciting when I arrived. I was given a car and access to just about anything Kuwait had to offer.  Then, as news of the pending loss of our contract came, little freedoms and luxuries started going away - the first of which was the car.  Then there were warnings and urgings to lay low...stick close to your apartments...don't go out in crowds...don't gather with groups of other Americans (for fear of becoming a target?)...etc. 

The routine has been to work 12 hours a day plus commute Sundays through Thursdays and then escape to Dubai or Abu Dhabi on the weekends or just hang out in the proverbial tower and read, watch movies, exercise...and stay connected with the rest of the world. Luckily, I am mostly content with that...but am itching for freedom and to have a little more control of my destiny again.  No more Dubai escapes because they collected our passports in early January. Haven't seen it since.

There has been no better way that I have seen to stay connected with the rest of the world than the internet.  Especially when I've been very limited geographically and living about 8-9 hours in the future from most of the people I know and love. And through the internet...(thanks Al Gore ;-) ) the information superhighway paved the way for Facebook.  Seriously, I don't have any idea how I would have kept my sanity here without it. So, yes, thank you Mark Zuckerberg and friends, for what started as a way to connect with fellow Harvard students and has grown into over 600 million active users worldwide.  I'm deeply gratified and beholden to you.

I've been living in two or three timezones since I got here, trying to keep up mentally with what time it is in other places.   The Kuwait time zone (AST - Arabia Standard Time)...Eastern Standard for my east coast family and friends and Central Standard, for my group of friends in the midwest, Texas, Arkansas...I also spent a good bit of time mentally in Pacific Standard and Mountain and sometimes even Hawaiian Standard, depending on where I had to call to speak to candidates.  As a recruiter, one must call when the candidate is awake.

But, the simple act of being able to log on at any time from the Middle East and see that Holly just had a "kick ass run" or posted a great new pic of my Izzy... or that it was going to be "another great day in the sandhills" for Bryan...or that Sam was surfin'...or that NC State was playing and sadly, still sucks :(...or to see what Rebecca was making for dinner tonight...to see your snow pictures, your Thanksgiving pictures, your Christmas pictures...to know you had a birthday today...to see how pissed off Kate and Norman were at Sarah Palin's latest antics...to learn what was going on in Susannah's mind at the moment...to be shocked at who thinks Glenn Beck is an actual life form...to read your witty anecdotes...to nearly fall off my chair laughing at anything Holli Poole Teubner posts!!! I am going to start a fan page for you, Holli.  Tell your friends to get ready!  To be able to listen to the music Jake was listening to almost simultaneously since he never seems to sleep.  The ability to feel like I am sitting right there with you all at almost any time has kept me connected, kept me grounded, made me realize what is truly important in life, and has been the greatest gift and comfort. And there have been tragically sad times when I have grieved with you for the loss of your children, your parents, your friends.  Death, although an unavoidable part of life, still takes the deepest toll on us as the loss of that loved one is irrecoverable.  My love and warmest healing thoughts still go out to you each day and night.

I am so sad to think how the countless military men and women and those traveling to distant lands for non-military reasons over the years had to get by with handwritten letters that could be delivered months after they were sent and who could make the occasional phone call once a month or so depending on their mission and where they were in the world.  That is likely how they built the camaraderie and brother/sisterhood with each other in ways I may not have built the same while here...although I have managed to make some amazing friends here from all over the world that I know will be part of my lifelong cosmic family that I will stay in touch with.  So, really, I have had the best of both worlds.  I have said it before and it still holds true, I am a lucky somebody.

Time is different here in the desert.  I don't know what it is...the long days, the endless sunshine, the time difference...not sure.  But though I have only been here around 8 months, it feels like it has been about 3 years.  Maybe Kuwait time is like dog years...? Not sure. But so much has happened in that time.

I came here to have an adventure - and WHAT an adventure I have had! I've worked side by side with beautiful people from India, Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, the Phillipines, Australia, England, Scotland, Germany, Africa, Ukraine, and Poland... I've been to shisha cafes and local souks and spice markets that were lifted right off the pages of some exotic tale from the Arabian Nights...I've lived amongst the Kuwaiti's and witnessed their beauty and their naivete and their harshness and been intrigued by their bedouin habits (good and bad). I've seen and been apalled by racism and misogyny the likes of which I hope I never encounter again anywhere.  And with that, I have felt utterly helpless because this quite simply isn't the place to be THAT American and try to take a stand and fight for what you believe in.  That will land you squarely in jail and whatever else that might entail without exception.  I think my powers for good will be better served elsewhere.

I've seen how people live in a country with seemingly unlimited monetary resources and been amazed at how they are satisfied to have so much and still have no idea how to keep the place clean or how to enforce traffic laws or how to keep their children safe in cars with child seats (or even seatbelts!).  I've seen children on dashboards, or in the rear windows climbing all over the place while mommy is talking on the phone and darting in and out of traffic.  They all say, "Insha'Allah".  If Allah wills. God willing. The explanation for taking no precautions of any kind with safety, security, etc. boils down to Insha'Allah. It boggles the reasonable mind. Vive la cultural difference!

I came here with the remains of a broken heart, and have literally marveled as it healed and grew back stronger and more whole until the memory faded almost completely and sheer relief set in to replace it. I got my groove back...my Micheleness, the me that I always have been but had been really kind of putting on a back burner for YEARS to try to be what someone else wanted. Perish the thought of that ever happening again.

I came with a happy sense of adventure and peace  and wonder...and leave with the addition of a renewed sense of self and meaning and wisdom that I would not trade for anything whatsoever. Like I said, I am a lucky somebody.

I have run in the desert.  I have seen camels chasing cars because stupid Americans fed them sticky buns.  I have seen a girl with a monkey walk into a Starbucks.  I have run along the coast of the Persian Gulf.  Completely and utterly sublime. I have spent months in temps above 125 degrees F... and had the most marvelous view one could ask for right outside my bedroom window every single day.  I have witnessed moonrises and sunrises the likes of which I have NEVER seen anywhere.  I will miss those the most.  And the air here..it smells like warm, spicy, sugar.  Enchanting. Unless you are near one of the sewage areas.  Then it takes your breath away in the most unappealing fashion. 

The most amazing experiences have been with the people.  The people here.  Unforgettable.  And the people out there.  You.  My friends and family from around the globe across timezones.  You have inspired me.  You've given me new books to read...movies to watch...ideas to ponder...new music to add to my life soundtrack...sent me care packages, birthday wishes, light and love, laughs - lots and lots of laughs...you've managed to make me feel missed and loved and hugged from across an ocean and a continent or two.  Admissions of high school crushes, a marriage proposal (don't worry, I'm not holding you to that!), political and philosophical arguments, offers for dates and drinks and friendships and a beautiful fantasy or two. 

I've even managed to fall a bit for one of you. Something I didn't even know I could still do.  Sometimes it is all in the timing. . Ah, well, c'est la vie - no matter either way.  It was lovely for a while and I will take it with me and always smile and always remember the way it felt and the way you made me feel. Beautiful. Desired. Understood. Interesting. Alive. If ever our paths cross again, I shall be nothing short of delighted. You awakened something I thought long dead, Professor.  I love you for free.

I leave Kuwait with beautiful memories, the adventure of a lifetime, with peace and love and stillness in my soul.  I leave with gratitude for the experience and with a powerful feeling of contentment for the present moment.  The next adventure is just around the corner, and I'm ready and open for it.  Come along with, if your spirit wills it.

Ma'salaama, my friends.  Shukran.

Of love and other misunderstandings...this one is self indulgent and just for me.

Ok, so the universe and her stars, black holes, nebulas and whatnot seem to be in conspiracy to teach me some quick and dirty lessons...to jolt me with some much needed reminders... and gently coax me into letting my guard down a little bit, so I figured it was time to write it all down and sort of let the demons work themselves out and see what sort of resolution I reach at the end, if any... WARNING! Don't read on unless this sort of drivel genuinely interests you...this is a totally self-serving post that is all for me. I'm documenting it basically as a bookmark for where my head is at this time in my life.

Love. The great conqueror, divider, inspirer, crusher, savior, destroyer, CONFOUNDER...and the most misunderstood of emotions and overused of words or sentiments. Love has been on my mind a lot lately. So, of course that makes me special and completely unique just like everyone else in the world....but in honor of February's favorite Hallmark holiday...here we go.

I've been evaluating past loves, things I thought were love, wished were love, hoped were love (you know, how when you know for certain it isn't love, but you hope it is because it would simplify things and make them so much easier because you know, he's nice, he's there, he calls, it's convenient, he doesn't totally piss me off, etc....but everybody says "OMG, he's such a catch"...and so you stick around for the ultimate in mediocrity.

Mostly, I've been evaluating relationships. My past relationships. My behavior in those relationships and after those relationships. Other people's relationships. Cultural differences. Preconceived notions. Expectations. Lies I told myself. Things I put up with. Bargains I made with myself. Things I settled for. The reasons I settled, bargained, put up with...you get the point. It would take the rest of the decade to write it all down and go into each nuance and lesson individually, so I will skip right ahead to what I have learned about me that has revealed to me what it is that I want from a relationship.

I certainly don't meet the expectations that many men have or that they seem to have somewhat been trained to expect over the years through repetition in other relationships. I'm low maintenance, with high standards for ease and simplicity. I don't want a lot, but what I want is everything (to me)...and according to my good friends of both the male and female persuasion, what I want is actually pretty different than what everyone else seems to want.

On regrets. I have none. Well, maybe a few. I'm passionate, can be impulsive and have never feared taking a leap...even if the outcome was that I splattered on the floor of the grand canyon the way Wile E. Coyote always does when foiled by that damned Roadrunner...But I really don't regret the pain, the heartbreak, betrayal, the resulting self doubt, the ache, the emptiness or the sorrow that I have felt associated with the end of certain relationships. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret losing. Life and loss have taught me so much and left me so much wiser and richer in the knowledge of what I DO want. And what I don't want. And what I won't do again. And what I'd like to do that I never have. And what I can't compromise on.

So, for me...I always come back to the cliche "life is too short". But, let's face it, it really is. There's so much to do and so much happiness to be had out there. I watch other people in their relationships and see so much sorrow. So much settling. So much "stuckness". Stagnancy. (Lot's of S words...).  There's a much better "S" word, ya'll.  Sex.  But that is a topic for another blog...

People cause their stagnancy themselves, of course. We all do. We are all as much to blame for our unhappiness as our happiness, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we can get on with the business of being happy. Seriously.  The responsibility lies upon each of us to be happy.  Or not.  But OWN IT.   It is ultimately YOUR decision. And YOUR responsibility. Noone else's.  And it is truly not created by your current economic, romantic relationship, or even health situation.  It is a choice. Mmmm hmm, yep, there I go again with that word. Choice.  It rings truer to me than just about anything I can come up with.  I've seen in action in myself and others and have been observing it with great fascination all my life. I am an avid believer in choice.

The ever present question. What do I want, then? What DO I want? What is acceptable? Not? Desirable? Not? I don't have this daunting list of qualities that no man could ever aspire to that he must live up to or anything like that.  Not what I am saying. He doesn't have to be "this tall" or wear "these clothes" or drive "that car" or have a certain career or pedigree.

I do want and daresay need or require an intellectual attraction coupled with physical desire and multiplied by a shared appreciation for silence and stillness with a healthy dose of travel and adventure, an endless supply of things to learn and grow from with each other, a dash of challenge, several handfuls of mystery. An open mind is primary, as is tolerance and the balls to stand up to an injustice when the situation calls for it.

I don't want clowny, flashy, bravado or machismo. I don't want stuff, I don't want someone to try to impress me. I'll be impressed if you speak to that which impresses me, no need to try. I want my soul to be set on fire and to discover new depths and little things that tickle me just because they are associated with the object of my affection. I don't want to be supported or any of that sugar daddy nonsense.

I want easy, slow, deliberate, effortless, smiling, yearning, free of expectation, passionate, and oftentimes laughter inducing love. Not slapstick...but intelligent humor that sometimes sneaks up on me. Someone that sets me off balance and unsettles me a bit, and in all of that - actually makes me better. Not through an effort to make me better - but by being a catalyst that simply sets the inertia in motion. And of course, I'd want to be the same for them.

And I am the first to admit that I am not an easy read. Not everyone's cup of tea. Not like the other bears. I am real. I am deep. I am passionate. I am a searcher and a yearner. I am often a loner. Never lonely. I'm fiercely protective of myself and the people I love. If I let you in, well then you're in and you've managed to reach me in a place that I consider primary. And I don't take myself that seriously. I roll with it. The good, the bad...none of it lasts and life won't either, so I am here to enjoy each day in as drama free a manner as is possible. I am always learning, striving, interested, engaged. I'm actually pretty basic and simple when it all comes down to it. I guess the lesson I have learned is to be true to me. To be the individual that I am and to embrace that with all my being. And to not take the shape of the relationship I find myself in. To keep the shape of me...and to just be.

In my "match.com" profile...I state that I am not looking for someone to complete me. That I am complete already and that I am interested in finding someone who will enhance my life and whose life will be enhanced by having me in it. That seems to sum it up nicely and captures the essence. I don't want anyone to be anything but who they are and don't want anyone changing to suit me. What suits me is being me. And if you are being you, (as long as being you doesn't involve you being a dick), then we're golden. And by the way....YOU are complete already too. We all are.  I just wish everyone would realize that. Love yourself.  It will make you a MUCH better lover of others...(not to be confused with being egotistical and self centered, but real, selfless love of self)  Oxymoronic?  Nah - not really. 

Yes, I have done the match.com thing..how else are you supposed to meet someone that seems to be on your same cosmic plane but happens to be located somewhere around the world or around the cornfield, as the case may be? It was so easy to bump into my next romance back in college or even in my twenties or thirties in the workplace or friend gatherings...not so easy when I've have journeyed a little and have a better understanding of what I want from a relationship. 

The greatest compliment and comfort to me is someone that I can sit with in total quiet and ease with no need to fill the silence. If that appeals to you, you know what I mean. We can be reading, having a coffee, writing, gazing at a view, or simply lost in thought. That sort of peace and simple beauty is, to me, priceless and sadly more rare than love itself.

And if that sort of concept doesn't speak to you and you decide you kinda dig the other person (in this case, me) and then TRY to make that your thing, because you're infatuated and likely don't have a real good sense of yourself - let me assure you right off the bat, it won't work. Move on and find someone that needs what you need. That sort of settling or trying to change yourself for someone else surfaces as resentment and annoyance later when the initial "being in love" chemicals wear off.  In other words, find your own bliss...find someone whose puzzle parts fit with yours and stop trying to make a relationship with whomever you are currently infatuated with just because they are there and you are lonely. (I'm speaking to me as much as anyone here.)

I am a traveler and an adventurer.  A seeker, to be sure.  But I am NOT an adrenaline junkie. I am not an "on the go-er". I do not have to fill every moment with activity and I do not want to.  I do not need to always be on the hunt for the next fun thing. I have been hang gliding, bungee jumping, motorcycle riding, driven in Kuwait (YIKES)and yes, I would like to sky dive sometime...but am not darting from activity to activity to fill my space.   I'd prefer to hike Macchu Pichu and do it in utter silence.  Sometimes Macchu Pichu is just a 6 mile run, or getting lost in a bookstore, or watching your kid play soccer. 

There are few things I enjoy more than Just. Being. Still. Granted, I like being still in different places. Like a museum, a beach, an airport, a bed, a chair with a book, a tree, a table with a bottle of wine and a really good friend (romantic or not) and great conversation.

Then I discovered, and really if I'm being honest, I remembered that I actually like being alone. That doesn't mean "I Vant to Be Alone".... at least not all the time. It just means that I am perfectly content with it. Happy even. Quite. The happiest I've ever been. And I am not willing to give that up to mold myself into someone else's ideal of what a woman should be or what a relationship should be. I've found that people come to relationships with all these expectations and their own lists of how it should go, and how the other person should act if you do this, or that. I don't want expectations.  Love? Yes.  Commitment?  Certainly.  Understanding, forgiveness, intimacy? Absolutely. Sharing, growing, communication? Si, si, si! But no preconceived notions. People and relationships don't come with a manual or a table of contents.  Each moment is what it is. 

This is where my favorite Tom Robbins quotes come into play...well, two of them anyway...

•  The first:  "Love is the ultimate outlaw.  It just won't adhere to any rules.  The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice.  Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question.  The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate.  My love for you has no strings attached.  I love you for free."  
• And the second:  “When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

So, a committed romantic relationship is not something I will likely find myself in again until true compatibility and boundaries and trust and attraction and comfort are established. I won't find myself in a committed relationship until I find myself in a situation I can't see any other way. That WE can't see any other way (that old magic, as they say...)  Too many times, I have "found" myself in a relationship because it seemed like the thing to do, or what he wanted, or it was just a relief to not be on the dating market, which CAN be quite stressful.  No more.  Never again.  The next relationship will happen because it can't help but be... whatever "it" happens to look like.  Whether we live next door to one another or across town...different states, different countries...just not different planets.  I'm not ready for inter-planetary mating just yet.

Love. Companionship. Deep friendship. Trust. Respect. Forgiveness. Understanding. Belief. And a certain mature ability to converse and tackle and learn and discover and disagree and find simple joy and beauty in every day things. That's what I want. That's what moves me.  That. I'll have that, please.

I guess it all boils down to one thing. (yes, I'm Channeling Curly from City Slickers). One thing. I want someone who is genuinely comfortable in his own skin and knows who he is, and likes who I am.

Oh, and who sets my loins on fire. Yeah...I'll take that too. :-)

Kuwaiti ruler grants $4 billion, free food to citizens

Jan 17, 2011

By AFP

KUWAIT CITY - Kuwait's Emir Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah on Monday ordered the distribution of $4 billion and free food for 14 months to citizens as the oil-rich emirate prepares to mark national occasions.

Each of the 1.12 million native citizens will get 1,000 dinars ($3,572) in cash as well as free essential food items until March 31, 2012, the KUNA news agency cited state minister for cabinet affairs Rudhan al-Rudhan as saying.

The Gulf state, whose financial assets top $300 billion, will next month mark the 50th anniversary of independence, 20th anniversary of liberation from Iraqi occupation and the fifth anniversary of the emir's ascendance to power.

The announcement was made following an overnight meeting of the cabinet. The 2.4 million foreign residents of Kuwait are excluded from the grant and the free food.

Inflation in Kuwait soared to 5.9 percent in November, the highest in 20 months on the back of high food prices which rose by 12.3 percent.

The fifth largest OPEC producer has posted budget surpluses in each of the past 11 fiscal years, totalling more than $140 billion, and is also headed for another healthy surplus this year thanks to rising oil price.

The government has made similar but smaller grants in the past.

The Gulf Arab state provides a cradle-to-grave welfare system to its citizens who receive most public services and petrol at heavily subsidised prices and pay no income tax.

Some 80 percent of Kuwait's 360,000-strong national workforce are employed in government jobs, where the average monthly wage is more than $3,500.

Don't like the hand you've been dealt? Change your cards.

on living~~~Joie de Vivre....the joy of life~~~

So many things seem to come to me late in the game...you know, little things like....common 'self' sense, real understanding of the need for personal fiscal responsibility, what I should be when I grow up, self love (not THAT kind), family, real and unconditional love, and ticking biological clocks. 

OK, so the last one never even happened and at this stage, it wouldn't be welcome. I think being 63 with a teenage daughter might come off as more than just eccentric, and border on ridiculous, but that is a blog for another time.

My most recent self discovery isn't really a dawning of new understanding, just sort of a lower case "ah ha".  You know...something I already knew and have operated on or with most of my life, but have just taken a second to acknowledge it to myself.  And like any good "wanna be" writer and blogger, I felt compelled to write it all out for the big void of the internet. And along with most self acknowledgements, there are dark sides as well as bright and both have to be embraced in order to truly appreciate their simple (or complicated) truth.

So, we've talked a tiny bit about my upbringing and there are always depths I could go to that are deeper and darker which I tend to stay away from for the most part.  For one reason, I don't want to bore my 1 or 2 occasional readers with things they probably already know...for another, I don't want to garner or to appear to want to elicit anyone's pity or for anyone to think that is the goal, so let me assure you- it isn't. Ever.  No way. No how. 

Anything I share is to either impart validity on something else I have said or expressed and is more about catharsis and is sometimes just self therapy for me.  Self indulgent?  Maybe...If any of it helps anyone else or provides hope or inspiration, a warning bell or just of nod of recognition...so be it and that is cool. 

We all get just about what we bring to the table, I have found.  I'm just looking for some new things to bring to my own table and life.

So, what I've come to realize is that I am ridiculously happy and content despite having lived in and been in some pretty dark places. I was born into darkness.  I have come to realize that the cards I was dealt were similar to cards that have driven others to madness, to crime, to depression, suicide, self destruction....you get the drift. And I don't mean happy in some bipolar sort of peaks and valleys sort of way.  I mean to say that I am happy...truly, genuinely, happy.  And completely un-aided by any pharmaceuticals or mood enhancers, save the glass of wine or three I might be inclined to have when stateside.  I bound around singing...dance around in the workout room, walk around smiling for no reason and have caught myself wondering WTF about it sometimes.  I have become a person I never thought I could.

I have witnessed all manner of dark things in my own (biological) family my whole life.  This is the primary reason I thank them silently for bringing me into existence, and the reason that I have endlessly sought something different for my life.

I've watched as these karmic life cards seem to manifest themselves as excuses, anger, fear, a reason for blaming the world for everything, a reason to say "fuck it" to everyone, a reason to shut the rest of the world out, to retreat into a fantasy world, to use drugs, to overindulge in self pity...to thrust unrelenting judgments about others onto the ears of any who will listen (willingly or unwillingly) - -again,  you get the drift. 

And all I can say and all I can think is that for as long as I can remember being alive, I have fought this kind of negativity and mental enslavement and victim mentality with every heartbeat and breath, with every fiber and molecule.  I don't know why.  I mean, I don't know why it didn't pull me under.  I don't know why I fought it.  I don't know why I refuse to let the darkness take me.  It just isn't an option and that is almost always the reactionary thought I have..."sinking into darkness is not an option".

Now, of course I've had my fair share of dark and regretful moments.  I've practiced and mastered self destruction and self pity.  I've been to rock bottom more times than I wish to count and the only thing it has taught me is that being at rock bottom certainly isn't the end.  And it really isn't that bad.  It has a bouncy, sort of trampoline like texture and when I want to bouce out (when I'm ready to bounce out) - I do.  I bounce.  Bounce and Choice.  These are common themes with me.  But they ring pretty damn true when it all washes out.  Dontcha think?

So, without going in to it too deeply, but maybe with more depth than you want to read....and hopefully for the impartment of understanding to anyone needing understanding...my dark cards in a nutshell format and somewhat chronological order are laid out as follows:

• I was born to Paul and Patricia, parents who, might have done the best they could, but certainly had no business procreating - ever.
• Raised to think I was unworthy by a mother who hated my father for I have no idea what reasons.  Don't care what reasons... as my mother, she's supposed to do better.
• My mother often told me as a child that she and my father fought over custody of me when they divorced...(only that she fought not to have me and my dad fought not to have me...and that she LOST.)  In retrospect, I think this is bullshit, as people didn't do that in those days.  I think she was just being mean and projecting her own feelings of self disatisfaction onto me.
• That same ever-lovely mother, whom I actually worshipped at the time, beat the hell out of me at every turn.  I spent more time running from her belt buckle and her screaming than I did having tender moments of childhood bliss. 

            Childhood bliss for me was when I was anywhere my mother wasn't.

• On one occasion, I was chirping happily about my day at school (in the second grade) while she was making mac and cheese....as was her usual custom, she told me to "shut up", because she was cooking and of course I kept talking because that is what kids do and she turned around and backhanded me so hard I fell off the stool I was sitting on.  As I started to cry, I remember wiping my little girl snotty nose on my sleeve and then screaming in complete horror when I saw that my sleeve was covered with blood.  My mother had bloodied my nose. I distinctly remember that day as being the day I lost any affection or respect that I would ever have for her.  I stopped crying, looked at her long and hard, then ran to my room and locked my door.  She panicked and ran after me.  I think she even cried a little.  She begged me to let her in.  Prior to this, I had obeyed her without question.  I did not let her in.  I don't know if I stopped fearing her that day and refused to let her in or if I refused because I feared she would do worse to me.  I do know that I did not trust her.  And I never did again. 
• Fast forward to other such moments...me as the little kid asking a question, talking about my day, trying to learn....her most common response "leave me alone, I'm reading". "shut up, I'm cooking". "go away, I'm watching TV."...or any combination of "I'm on the phone, I'm in the bathroom, I'm getting dressed, I'm smoking a cigarette"....whatever.  All it translated to me was "I don't like  you, I don't want to be your mother, you are a nuisance and a burden." She actually said that last one a couple of times. Or did she?  It's what I heard, regardless. 
• Further childhood moments included me begging my father to let me come and live with him and my stepmother because he told me that I could if things got too bad... and they really were TOO BAD....Then his heartbreaking response that he "just couldn't do it" and that he "didn't think it would be a good idea" and that I made my stepmother feel bad because I sat around not smiling sometimes when I was at their house.  I was like 11 in this scenario.  Maybe if I had smiled more? Geez...
• Then there was the old incestuous childhood sexual abuse that everyone goes through.  Wait, What??!!  You mean not everyone goes through that?  Oh shit. I definitely won't bore you with those details ...my grandfather, a babysitter's husband, some neighbor kid...all probably were abused themselves or some other such nonsense - but I will say for the record - that is an offense for which I will and would willingly and publicly commit murder.  Don't do it, ever.  If you feel any sort of inclination to touch a child sexually, show them sexual material, discuss anything sexual with them in any way - then, please Go shoot yourself in the head. Right. Now. You will not only rob that child of their innocence forever and replace it with a feeling of confusion and despair and a lack of identity and do who know's what else to their self esteem and affect every choice they make for the rest of their lives, you'll also take away their ability to trust themselves and others.  They may or may not recover from this.  Some do.  Some don't.  Don't take any chances, just kill yourself. No therapy, no rehabilitation. Just remove yourself from the world.  We really don't need your kind.
• Cut to ages 11-17.  Mommy dearest showered me with terms of endearment that all daughters love to hear like "whore","bitch" and "liar" almost daily.  I wasn't. She was projecting her own self loathing.  I know this now.  Also, NOT in the handbook for raising happy, well-adjusted children.
• As many of you know, I've always enjoyed cooking...I started when I was a kid because that was how I got fed when I was hungry...(girl's gotta eat!!)   I had learned to grill and was rather proud of myself and had made steaks for my mom, my step-dad and my little brother one summer day.  My mom didn't care for garlic and I had marinated one of the steaks in garlic and some other spices for myself...so when she went to grab that particular steak at dinner time, I warned her that she might not want to eat that one, as I had prepared it with the spices and stuff she didn't like.  Her loving, motherly reaction was to grab me by the hair...and hold her steak knife to my throat. No, I am not fucking kidding. Then, my stepdad did the one thing that finally made me love him and will endear him to me forever.  He stood up and raised his voice (something he never did, for he was afraid of my mother) and told her to leave me alone.  And can you imagine what her reasonable, adult reaction was?  Yes, to scream at him and proclaim that he was trying to kill her!  (??what??) Then she grabbed her keys, said she was leaving and never coming back, and drove away.  Oh my god!!! I felt the sweetest peace I had ever felt to that point.  Unfortunately, she came back 4 hours later and never spoke of it again.  She didn't apologize.  She just glared at me. And at him, and hid in her room for a few days. (Never trust anyone who doesn't like garlic.)

So, there you have it.  Not even a semi-charmed upbringing and yes I have made tons of mistakes that I can attribute to just not having a clue what being in a normal relationship meant, (how could I?)... or what loving oneself meant or what was healthy or wasn't...what the right reason to marry was...although I do have "knowing what the right reason to leave a marriage" is down to a science though. 

Funny sidebar.  I'd like to be marrried.  Or at least in a long term, committed relationship.  I am good at it. Really good.  I just think that I may have been married too many times already and this may have already upset the universal balance for some other woman who may now not get married because of me. Of course, that isn't true, but gosh maybe I'm not good at it?  Living and learning...

But, and this is the moral, the caveat, the exception, the miracle, the cool thing, the oxymoronic reality of this whole story.....Yes.  I was dealt some shitty cards. I went through some major crap.  Life seemed to suck sometimes.  I used to walk around in the woods as a kid (to get out of the house and away from my mother) and shout at God about how pissed I was at the life I was living and given.  Then, I bought a new deck of cards.  Hell, over the years I've bought several new decks along the way. With each new deck, I made a choice for me. To be happy.  To accept myself.  To love myself.  To KNOW myself.  And to genuinely dig being me.  And to keep figuring it all out.

As I have said before, I am not everyone's cup of tea...and I might not be easy to get to know, but if you're from my cosmic tribe, you'll understand and we'll most likely be friends forever.  And really, that is quite something.

So what I have come to realize in my lower case "ah ha" moment....is that no matter how cliche it sounds, life really is short.  And as I continue to gravitate towards good and light and happiness and self awareness, adventure, yearning for learning (dorky, but it rings true) and simple "joie de vivre", I find that it has just become a way of life.  It really is a choice to me.  An informed choice...a hard earned choice...not an overnight choice...an oft misunderstood road to choice... but still a choice.  I've discovered that the manner in which I chose to see my world and my life and my opportunities saved my life. And my sanity. And taught me appreciation. And about love.  I chose to bounce.

And this little unconventional life of mine which doesn't make sense to a lot of people? I'm overwhelmed by the wonder and beauty of it.  It is richly layered, colorful and beautiful and chock full of people and experiences that fill me with, for lack of a better way to express it - peace and joy.

Sweet, succulent FREEDOM!!

It is amazing what a gift time and perspective can be.  On this gorgeous winter solstice night...and just a few short days before Christmas, I can say with utter conviction and clarity that I am the happiest and the most at peace that I have ever been. 

You see, for the first time in several years, I will experience an angst and drama free holiday season that does not involve walking around on egg shells made of barbed wire.  I have the faintest memory of numerous such seasons that have gone by and only found myself reminded by them when I noticed that I was just completely enjoying the hell out of myself and looking more forward to the season of merry and resolutions than I can ever remember. 

I'm finding that life, my life, while wrought with plenty of perils and certain disappointments from time to time, is simply quite amazing.  I have made amazing connections with myself, the world and the people in it that have at times surprised me, delighted and even bewildered me.  Some have enlightened me, others disappointed me, but the simple act of just being and feeling free is, as cliche as it will sound - just so damned liberating!!

I have less than 52 days left in Kuwait (16 of which will be spent in the US!) and do not have a job waiting for me on the other end and I am not tense nor filled with doubt or fear.  I do not have any romantic prospects on the horizon (at least that I am aware of)...I do not have a giant nest egg stashed away, nor do I have a lot of the things that generally tend to make people feel secure and safe. 

But I feel good.  Really good.  About myself, my abilities, my perspective, my life, about everything.  It's been an incredible evolution and it definitely feels like Stella has got her groove back, ya'll. 

The life I live is unconventional.  It is moral, it causes no harm, it makes me whole, it gives me pleasure and it is what I make it.  But it is not the life for everyone.  Not everyone's cup of tea, one might say.  Just as I am not everyone's cup of tea.  And I have not only become OK with that, but I kind of dig it in an almost prideful way. 

I've done some pretty neat stuff over the past couple of years.  I left a toxic marriage...and left it knowing it was the right thing to do, but turned inside out and upside down from the pain of it.  Today, it is so far removed from where and who I am that I remember little of it and feel nothing but relief and gratitude for the release from its rollercoaster, bipolar, and oh so dark madness.

I left all my friends and family behind to set out on an adventure in a foreign country...a muslim country...a country where women are thought of and treated as property...a country where one's nationality dictates how you are viewed and treated in all circumstances.  And what an adventure it has been.  It didn't turn out as planned, but nothing really ever does, but it was what I needed and I have learned as much about myself in 5 months as I have in a lifetime.  Maybe it is more accurate to say I have remembered more... not sure.

I traveled to foreign countries alone.  Costa Rica, Kuwait, Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Bahrain...and loved every minute of it, even the crappy ones. I felt brave, fearless, kind of cool, and definitely confident.  That translated into other areas of life and it was / is a welcome addition to my life.  I've faced demons and fears, and helped a few people overcome theirs along the way and ultimately, I believe that is what it is all about. 

I've learned that we are all afraid.  All alone.  All hiding behind masks at times.  I've learned, over and over again, as my friend Jake so aptly puts it that "fear is a motherfucker" and sometimes, all the time, you just have to stare it in the face and tell it to shut up and sit down, because I've got things to do. 

I've made some leaps...done a few impulsive things that didn't necessarily end the way they were envisioned, but again - if everything was a sure thing, it really wouldn't be that interesting and I believe we'd all get pretty complacent.  As it stands, I've learned that I still believe in myself and others.  And that I still have hope and despite any setbacks, I'm pretty sure I will keep on operating that way and am living a life without regrets. 

You live, you love, you learn, you leap, sometimes you miss, sometimes you land on your feet, sometimes you end up with your ass in the air and your knickers in a knot...but EVERYTIME you have an EXPERIENCE and you FEEL and you KNOW that something in  your soul stirred and sought for something extraordinary or educational or just plain adventuresome and you walked away forever grateful for the lesson. 

That's where I am today.  Grateful for the lesson.  For the lessons.  All of them.  And free.  Free to be whatever me I want to be.  Maybe it's just me...

From another planet...

When I was a kid, I used to pretend I was from another planet.   I'm betting a lot of kids have done and do this.  I guess we all have our reasons.  I wonder if we grow out of it.  I wonder if I have.  We are all so different and all so alike. 

I think we all think we are more different and alien than we are.  We think that maybe noone can understand us.  Maybe it is because we don't understand ourselves.  Or maybe I just think too much about it...Likely...I think regardless of our individual experiences, the human in us is and longs to be connected to everyone else.  And I have found that when we let go of our agendas, prejudices, fears, to do lists, self doubts, and all the other noise that clouds our souls - then we are all much more alike than different.

For me, I was born with a need to understand, to know people, to know myself, to figure out what makes us all tick, what moves or motivates us, opens us up and alternately what shuts us down.  What makes us feel like we belong and what makes us feel like we don't.  I think we are all hard wired to want to belong to something or someone.

My earliest childhood memory is one that I always thought was a dream, or a nightmare for the longest time.  I think I was about 2 or 3 years old in the dream. I had just walked into the kitchen because I could hear my mother and my father shouting at each other and I wanted to help them.  I don't remember the words, not at all.  I just remember the anger and the fear.  My mother had just started mopping the kitchen. We had one of those old formica tables with the vinyl covered chairs.  She used to turn the chairs upside down so the seats rested on the table so she could sweep and mop the area under the table.  As I walked in, my dad saw me and instantly picked me up and dropped me in between the bars of one of those upside down chairs.   I was terrified.  I thought I would fall and couldn't do anything but shake. My dad just kept yelling and gesturing at my mom.  Like I said, I don't remember the words...I just remember the energy - the fear - the pain - the danger.  He hit her.  She fell to the floor.  She was hysterical.  He was still shouting.  I thought my world had ended.  I thought he was going to kill her and then kill me. I think they divorced shortly after that.

When I was in college, I had a conversation with my dad on the phone.  We didn't spend much time together, ever really.  His choice.  He told me that he had lived with this one big regret and shame all of his life since this thing happened.  He told me the story that I just told you.  Almost verbatim. I was shocked.  To me, it had been a recurring nightmare that I had almost nightly all my life...until my dad told me this story.  It wasn't a dream.  It happened.  I was there.  I never had the dream again. Ever. I gained some understanding in its place. 

I understood why I wanted to be from another planet.  Because that was so much more agreeable than believing that I was supposed to belong to these people.  If I was from another planet, then there was still a chance someone would come and rescue me someday, right?  Isn't that how all the movies and fictional stories end?  Well, as real life goes - noone ever rescued me.  But I did learn to rescue myself. 

Sound romantic and noble and like something to hang your hat on?  Trust me, it isn't.  But it's mine.  And I have learned to own it and embrace it and to be grateful for the intellect that saved me from the path that many of my brothers and cousins chose.  You see, my family's dysfunction wasn't limited to my parents.

Each has their own story which isn't mine to tell since I really don't know what is inside their hearts or what has driven their choices.  Suffice it to say there were and are drug addictions, prostitution, drug dealing, petty and not so petty theft.  Everyone escaping and coping in their own way.  My escape was more literal.  It was actual escape.  And a search for something better.  Something beautiful.  Theirs, more metaphorical, personally and socially harmful.

My youngest brother was a multiple time convicted felon by the time he was 14.  I remember spending one Christmas visiting him in juvenile jail.   I spent the next couple of decades trying to save him and his older (my other younger) brother. I did not succeed.  I felt enormous guilt for this for the longest time.  Until I realized, their lives weren't mine to save.  I could only save myself. 

I pretty much abandonded them both when they were 4 and 7 to go away to college and escape to make a new life for myself.  The youngest, now almost thirty,  still can't get a good job because of his criminal record and he seems to lack belief in himself.  I wish I could help him see that the choice is his to make a better world for himself.  The oldest, mid-thirties now, has never had a relationship that we know of...he manages to have a job, but doesn't have a drivers license.  His dad, my step dad still drives him to work every day.  And he still lives at home, as does the youngest brother. 

The day I left them, I left to save my own life...I was 17.  I did.  I saved my life. But I didn't save theirs.  I don't think I could have, I don't really know.  It was the hardest thing I ever did and I've only in the past couple of years or so been able to let go of that guilt. 

I only knew I had to get out, to do something more with my life and to find people who were looking for truth and beauty and who burned for something.   I am still looking for that to this day.  And finding it. And loving it.  Those are the people I find and I attract.  The people whose very existence has enriched my life and who I could go a day or twenty years without speaking to, and know we could pick right up where we left off and remain connected. 

I've discovered that while I wouldn't recommend that my parent's write a "how to" book on raising children, that I am really glad they had me.  Because I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.  I've come to believe that the fantasy of being from another planet was my tiny old soul telling me that I was better and could do anything I wanted and could create a life that was entirely different than that which I was brought up in.  And I have.  Mind you, I haven't cured cancer or developed safe alternative energy sources or even contributed that much to society.  But my life IS different and it is good. 

Along the way, I have witnessed the way choice manifests itself in my life and in others lives.  We can choose to let the pain go.  To recognize it and to even befriend it.  To say hello to it and to put it gently away in an unlocked box...no need for locks.  No shame. No fault.  Just pain we learn from and can choose to be a prisoner of and lock ourselves up with it, or to let it go. 

I finally realized I had been successful when I realized I could simply choose to be better.  In time, it just became a way of life.  With letting go comes forgiveness. 

My father reads my blog.  He still doesn't know how to relate to me, doesn't want to see me in person and wonders where the hell I came from, but he reaches out to me in his own way through email from time to time.  I think he loves me the way he knows how.  If he is still reading this far, he may be feeling shame.  He may be angry with me for telling the story.  I don't know the details or why it happened or if it happened daily or if it was a one time thing.  That's their story.  My story is forgiveness.  And gratitude.  Because I am happy.  And I am at peace.  And I still have hope - for myself, for love, for mankind, for possibilities.  And because I still have a lot of living, learning, loving and discovering to do.

So, if you are still reading, Daddy, here's the deal...you and my mother created and gave birth to a spirit who is curious and passionate and although often misunderstood, is wildly in love with life. Who sees things deeper than many and consequently also feels things a little too deeply sometimes, but who is resilient and who knows life wasn't easy for you either and you did the best you were able to do.  Thank you for having me. I'm delighted, truly, to be here.  And even if you can't forgive yourself, I forgive you.  You've opened up your soul to me a little.  I've noticed.

And for the rest of you, parents already or someday parents to be, I'll close with a quote (because you all know how much I love quotes...)

"Sometimes we forget that children have just arrived on the earth. They are a little like aliens, coming into beings as bundles of energy and pure potential, here on some exploratory mission and they are just trying to learn what it means to be human."  (from the movie "Martian Child")

Treat them with honor, love, responsibility and wonder.  Don't forget the discipline.  It's your job to teach them how to be human.  How to be men.  How to be women.  How to be students, husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, friends, members of society. Right. Wrong. Consequences. Forgiveness.  Love yourselves, people.  And you will in turn teach your children to love themselves. That love is what connects us all and can heal a universe.

Oh, and forgive yourselves.  For anything.  For everything. Stop dwelling on whatever it is and just do better next time. This is your life. Really LIVE it. You're worth it.