Live. Just live.

Fear vs Love. Choose love.

You say you wanna resolution, well - you know....

here's mine.
xoxo, ya'll.

Happy New Year.

M/L/Cricket/Mich/'Chele/or whatever name you call me (hey - be nice!)

Love, people. Just, love.

Why do I always write about love?

Someone recently asked me this question. No doubt, you might have asked it yourself. That answer is a work in progress, like me. I  guess that's why I write about it... or why I write in general.

Because it drives everything I do, see, touch, feel, taste, hear.

But the simple answer is that my heart and soul are on fire and have tasted the possibilities and while I may feel pretty sure I am just fine on my own, the truth is we were put here for each other and are not meant to be alone. Maybe that's not so simple, after all - but it feels like truth to me.

I write about love to understand...
...to learn.
...to teach.
...to inspire.
...because I am inspired.
...to exorcise demons.
...to grow.
...in case it resonates with and helps someone else not feel alone.
...because it is cathartic.
...because The Beatles taught me that it was all you need.
...because it is magic, basic, primary, healing, beautiful, surrender...
...because love needs love, too - and without it, even love dies.
...because it really does make the world go 'round.
...because it IS the ultimate outlaw, and it just won't adhere to any rules.
...because it is the universal humbler, creator, destroyer, and savior of man and womankind.
...and because I have found the more I love, the more love I see in the world and in others and in myself and things just get exponentially better - even when they suck...cause, truth is, things are still gonna suck sometimes.

Love makes the ride a hellofa lot better than hate, indifference, fear, or anger....or heaven forbid - emptiness. (shudder)

And I write because I'm getting to know myself...
...because I really want to be a writer and am practicing exposing myself.
...because sometimes I can't do anything but write.
...because I can't paint or draw or sing. These are my pictures. My songs. My sculptures. Elementary as they may be.
...to develop my truths. And to reinforce them. (to myself)
...because I am in love with words.
...because I suck at expressing myself verbally.

...and finally, I write about love because I was raised to believe that I didn't deserve it and that I wasn't good enough to be loved.

Fuck that.
I am.
And so are you. All of you.
And anyone who tells you otherwise...well, forgive them.  They are just broken, you can't fix them, just let them be and keep on believing. Maybe even love them a little if you can. The alternative is to become like them.  I beg you - DON'T.

But the trick seems to be in first realizing that I/you/we deserve love...then slowly coming to accept it...then changing our brain patterns to believe it...then figuring out how to welcome it and embrace it - and return it. 
I am still working on those last parts. It's a beautiful journey, I must tell you. I'm enjoying every step.

I write.
I love.
I write about love. Because, it whispers gently to me that it wants to be known. And I want to know it.  I think we'd be great, great friends. We already are.  We're just getting comfortable with each other.

Reflecting on life...always happens at the pending new year...

So many things tend to attach themselves to my brain when a new year is dawning...and I realize tonight, after taking a little stock in the relationship world, that even though I may have been on more than 50 first dates....and a few, pseudo-micro-relationships, I have only been in maybe 6 or 7 actual committed relationships of the romantic type in my whole life including the marriages.  (Those I have truly loved, some of whom are reflected here, may be a topic for another blog....but they know their story.  Including  a ne'er mentioned Jim...a Boston, Scituate, Hampton, Cape Cod etc. kind of guy on whom I inflicted terrible pain that I am unbelievably sorry for.)

On the committed relationship field....The first, John, my high school love, blonde haired, blue eyed, long story short...the relationship was a tremendous sexual awakening for us both, we learned a lot, grew a lot, loved a lot, but then he went to West Point, we broke up when I met relationship number 2....revisited 20+ years later and it ended way, way badly. Turns out he became definitely borderline abusive and potentially alcoholic...and married...though he made it seem otherwise. (This may become a theme, it seems. My bad.)

#2. Blonde haired...blue eyed...engineering major, Resident Advisor (RA), sweet, conservative, intelligent, taught me to ski...lent me his computer to type papers on...pretty much set my young soul on fire...he cheated...lied...who would have believed this from that beautiful boy next door...but really...he was lovely...we were young...made love on a rock (a big one) in the middle of a field in broad daylight once. Have to say, I dig that memory. (broke up with me for God, in the end....couldn't come to terms with our relationship and his god thing....)

#3. My Greek love. To this day, in 45 years of life...the only guy in my whole life who ever asked me out (that I accepted). He taught me to explore. To live. To laugh. To sing. To dream. To reach for something bigger, better, higher, more fulfilling.... To be. Grateful to you, Stavros, every single day for that. Obviously, that didn't work out. He was destined to marry only a Greek girl, as per his parents' wishes...though he married two American girls in the end. C'est la vie. It was lovely and I wouldn't trade the experience. Truly. Madly. Deeply.

#4. Richard. My first husband. The one of three that I didn't give a fair shake. I was the bad guy in this scenario. Way bad. Beautiful, deeply sensitive, tender, kind, loyal, loving, thoughtful, cautious, wonderful, Richard. We went through the suicide of his best friend, who we found after the fact, and married. After he proposed at night at South Beach at the lighthouse in Hilton Head, he revealed he had cheated on me....and it made him sick...and he hated himself for it...and I never forgave him. I suck. I made it about me....and never dug deeper. The guy loved me. He married me. And I tortured and tormented him for an indiscretion that happened after his best friend killed himself. I suck. The upside...he is remarried to a wonderful woman and had two beautiful children and is doing amazing things in the world that I always knew he would do because that's just who he is. I'm eternally grateful for the experience of knowing and loving him...and being loved by him.

#5. Scott. Husband #2. Surfer, artist, tall, blonde, blue eyes...odd - I am more attracted to darker skinned, Mediterranean men with brown eyes, but always marry the fair haired guy. What's that about? He was wonderful in his own right, but he gave me too much room to be me...entire room...to the point of never being involved with me at all unless I was doing exactly what he wanted. Which usually involved watching him surf...or paint..or draw...but never really being involved with me. In the end, he didn't seem sure if he liked girls or boys or both...told me I was repressed when I didn't want a threesome. Oh well... After September 11, when everyone else was clinging together and realizing what they had, I realized I wasn't where I wanted to be and I left. Best thing for both of us.

#6. Didn't happen till I waited a full five years to be on my own and get to know myself and hopefully not repeat my mistakes. However...I repeated them with a vengeance. Rob. Red hair. Brown eyes. Seemingly good, down to earth, sweet guy who was my age and knew all the stuff I knew....relate to the same things...said all the right things...asked me to marry him almost immediately. Had two boys. 12 and 15 at the time. I fell for it. Dived in with complete abandon and totality as is my nature, obviously, I didn't think it through. I was craving what I had denied myself for 5 years and went all in. The upside. The experience was amazing with the boys and the chance to be a mom of sorts. The downside? I almost lost my soul and myself in a relationship that, to put it lightly, just wasn't meant to be. He might have been a little manic depressive...or some other things. He was definitely not cool nor relationship ready. And somehow involved with someone else the whole time who he is now married to...but I am totally grateful for the experience because I learned some much needed things about myself. And people.

#7. Doesn't really even count. Lasted a few months, barely. Dave. Had known him for six years through work. Always found him interesting, yet someone I'd never go for because he was cheesey and sort of playerific. I've definitely learned what a little (or a lot) of alone time can do to me...and so we got together...right before I moved to Abu Dhabi. Literally...we got together Halloween weekend, and I moved here November 14. But for whatever reason, we decided it was the be all, end all and decided to call it a relationship. So, it ended in February. After a two week visit with him. I think he'd already decided it was over. And it made sense. I didn't want it either. But I was blind sided. Dumb struck. And felt like at my age, I was just failing again. Really, no. He did me a favor with the micro-weekend relationship. We shoulda just had fun and enjoyed it. But, both tried to make it into something else. It wasn't necessary. He's a great guy, it turns out. Ridiculously smart. Interesting. Same values. Pretty great kisser and all that stuff. But, timing wasn't right.

Cut to... Today. December 29, Abu Dhabi. Not exactly a land rich with dating ripeness. At least for people my age. The fellas here, expats, seem to be frat boys regenerated. They wanna party, stay out till 6am, get wasted, bed as many women as they can, etc, etc, etc.... That wasn't my bag when I was in college....and certainly isn't my bag now. So. It may well be that I will be alone for -who knows how long? And you know what, that really is ok by me. Completely. I am looking for real. Quality. Long term. Endless conversations. An explorer partner. A love, a real love.

Oh. Yes. If you've been reading any of my stuff or if you know me, you may have gleaned that I did meet someone. My Outlaw. Someone who did make everything that hasn't worked out so far make sense. Someone who, made actually everything make sense. Someone who I got (get) and who got or gets me on all the levels. (That doesn't happen often...or ever). The One. (What does that mean when it turns out they aren't, even if they say they are?). Could be we could name this #8, or we could name it #1, as it was definitely on a far different plane than anything else I have ever been a part of or experienced. I choose not to label or number it.  We know what it was and what it is.  And while I am wholly sad that it ended, I am awake and alive because it happened.

If you're reading this, my Outlaw. Thank you. You changed me. Believed in me. Saw me...the real me, and loved me anyway. Brought me back to life. And reminded me of everything that is fundamental. Primary.  If things were different, well, then they'd be different. But they aren't. To wish they were would be to wish something that isn't fair to wish. To you or to anyone. And that's a wish I cannot make. You exist.  That's enough.

If you are a future love of mine and are reading this and find yourself wary or intimidated, well....I can assure you, if you put your fears aside, and buckle up....you won't be sorry. You're in for the ride of your life (provided you're available). Trust your heart. Trust your gut. Trust your instincts. Trust me. Go with it. I have no idea who you are or might turn out to be, but, if you're out there... Welcome, and let's do this thing.  Life's way too fucking short for all this pussyfooting around. Dontchathink?

Ok then...I'm certain there will be more on this topic come New Year's Eve, when I settle in for some Indian delivery dinner and a bottle or so of wine and my thoughts. Til then, kisses to all.

Love and light- truly~

Didja ever wonder? Well, here's 31 Ways to Know You're In The Right Relationship

A repost of a friend's blog, who says it is a repost of someone else's repost...so not sure of the actual origin:

http://londonleprechaun.com/2012/08/31/31-ways-to-know-youre-in-the-right-relationship/

31 Ways To Know You’re In The Right Relationship
To help you answer that question, you lucky thing, here’s a completely unscientific list of 31 ways to know you’re in the right relationship:

You don’t…   

1.    Fear it.
If you’re afraid of commitment, best to work that out before you put yourself in a situation where it’s hoped you’ll eventually commit.

2.    Hide anything more significant than a surprise party from each other.
That includes exes, cheating, debt, STDs, chronic illness, felonies, whether you want a marriage and/or children, genetic abnormalities (if you both want kids), a strong desire to live somewhere else, professional failures and successes, doubts about your sexual orientation, a strong preference for un-vanilla sex. The truth will come out, and if you’re with someone you feel the need to conceal any of this from, he or she probably isn’t right.

3.    Snoop.
If no one’s hiding anything, why are you looking? Going through your significant other’s email, phone, Facebook account, or journal strongly indicates that you don’t trust the person you’re with. You’re also violating his or her trust in you.

4.    Hide the relationship from other people in your life.
If you’re unwilling to introduce the person you’re dating at appropriate junctures to the most important people in your life, that’s usually a bright, flapping red flag.  In general, if you have a good thing going, you can’t wait for him or her to meet your friends, siblings, parents, the guy at the deli, and you wouldn’t have any qualms about presenting this person to professional acquaintances, people you knew in college, family friends, even your ex.

5.    Think you’re superior.
If you feel that your significant other is your inferior in any way you know matters to you in a mate — morally, intellectually, socially, financially or professionally — you’re never going to respect him or her as much as you hope to be respected.  The best relationships make you feel that you’ve convinced a person more exceptional than you to love you.

6.    Resent the other person’s success.
Professional jealousy can be as poisonous to a relationship as constantly thinking he or she is flirting with your best friend. It also suggests that you’re spending a lot of time comparing yourself to a person you supposedly adore, rather than sitting back and marveling at how amazing he or she is. In a good relationship, you quit (or refuse to ever engage in) the one-upmanship.

7.    Let any substance or behavior come before the relationship.
Any addict or over-user of a substance or behavior is cheating on you with his or her drug of choice. You deserve more.

8.    Stew.
When something the other person does annoys you or turns you off, you don’t push it to the back of your mind and hope it will go away, because it won’t. You bring it up in the moment or sometime in the next 24 hours.

9.    Damage property, animals, children or each other during an argument.
You think this goes without saying until you read something like this New York Times “Modern Love” and realize that human beings can rationalize staying with someone who leaves holes in their walls.
On the other hand, if you damage a vase or two in the heat of a different kind of passion, totally fine.
(Encouraged, even...)

10.    Challenge each other on personal issues in front of other people.
You know which conversations you shouldn’t be having at brunch with friends.

11.    Depend on each other for things no one can or should supply.
If you’re looking to your significant other to resolve your emotional issues, make you more responsible/successful/adult, support you financially, improve your social standing, expand your group of friends, provide you with the family you never had, or make your parents finally accept you, it’s possible you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all, or at least not yet.

12.    Begrudge each other time with your respective friends.
You can’t be everything to your significant other, and why would you want to be? Sounds exhausting. Friends enrich your life, will accompany you to do things that your significant other may not enjoy, and keep you from getting tired of the person you’re seeing.
Besides, if the relationship doesn’t work out, those friends going to be the ones coming over to your house, dragging you out of bed and helping you rejoin humanity. Be good to them.

13.    Lose Yourself
This is easier said than done, especially when the relationship is going really well. As tempting as it is to never leave the house (maybe never leave the bed), you keep doing the work, exercise, volunteering, socializing, networking, and daughtering you were doing before. Remember, these things made you the person Your Person fell in love with. They’re part of you. Don’t give them up for anyone. You can’t afford it.

14.     Have a secret plan B.
If you’re where you need to be, the following thoughts don’t cross your mind: “Maybe he’ll dump me,” or “If my ex moves back from Mongolia, everything could change.”

15.    Have much drama.
You know the cliche: The person worth your tears won’t make you cry. Usually.


You do…

16.    Put it all on the line.
If you’re not risking having your heart broken, you’re not doing it right.

17.    Respect the people he or she is closest to.
You don’t have to love them, but you should think they are honest and moral and have integrity. Want to know you’re with a good person? Look to the people he or she thinks are good people.

18.    Inspire each other to be better.
A good relationship is galvanizing, not in the oh-my-god-I-met-this-amazing-person-I’d-better-hurry-up-and-fix-myself sense (thought there’s probably a little of that when you first start seeing anyone amazing) but in the way that knowing someone else believes in you makes you believe in yourself that much more. You want to prove yourself worthy of his or her confidence.

19.    Humble yourself
You know you can’t hide your flaws for long, so you don’t try. You recognize that this person is going to have to take you as you are, as foolish or charitable (or both) as that may seem to make him or her. You know you’re both going to mess up endless times and have to apologize and be forgiven and forgive. You’ll wonder if one of the bigger mistakes is the one that will end it, and you’ll have to prove to one another that the relationship transcends that. You recognize that you signed up for all of this.

20.    Talk about sex.
Most couples don’t instinctively know all of the ways to please each other. You have to talk about — or at least show — what you want. If you don’t know what you want, you need to figure that out, STAT.  And after you have talked about it, you do it. Better.

21.    Talk about the rest.
The same things you’re not supposed to talk about on a blind date — religion, money, politics, kids — are things you should discuss with someone you’re serious about. What? You just remembered that thing you need to do? Get back here. No one said this was going to be painless. They said it was going to be hard and awesome.

22.    Fight.
If you agree on everything, someone’s not telling the truth. See #2 and #8.

23.    Have times when you don’t talk.
Not because you’re angry with each other but because you can be quiet together. When you find yourself with silences you don’t need to fill, when you find you can just walk along or lie about or work side by side and feel together without needing to verbally affirm that, you’ve got a good thing going.

24.    Have object permanence.
Child psychologist Jean Piaget theorized that when babies get to be 8 or 9 months old, they begin to develop “object permanence,” the idea that an object doesn’t vanish when they can no longer see it.
In a good adult relationship, you know that you can go out into the world and do your thing, and the bond you’ve formed with the person you care about will be there when you get back.
This is also known as trust.

25.    Take care of your body.
You know that you won’t enjoy sharing it with someone else if you don’t like, respect, and nurture it. Your partner feels the same way.

26.    Divide and conquer.
You’re not identical, thank god, which probably means you have certain strengths and he or she has others. Someone is more organized, someone is more outgoing, someone is a born listener. Someone is better with money, someone is more creative. Someone is more adventurous in bed.
If you each play to your strengths, you in all likelihood remember a gift (possibly an inspired one), your home(s) look(s) great, the bills get paid on time, sex is endlessly fun, and you leave everyone at the party thoroughly charmed.

27.    Remember to look at each other across the room.
There’s nothing more reassuring (or sexier) than glancing up from the interminable conversation with your eighth cousin or the head of operations or the report you can’t seem to finish and locking eyes with Your Person and remembering that by some quantity of luck neither of you may deserve, you found each other.

28.    Observe.
You notice when the other person is about to lose it, needs to leave even if you’ve been there only 20 minutes, is talking to someone he or she can’t stand, did something he or she feels guilty about, is silently berating himself or herself, is ruminating over the thing his or her boss said, is about to spend an insane amount of money, and best of all, about to crack up in a situation where he or she shouldn’t. You pay attention because you care, and because that’s the good stuff.

29.    Make time.
You realize that if this is it, one of you is going to be around some distant day in the future to lose the other. In that moment, you will not regret not checking your email in this one.

30.    Occasionally get over yourself and your cynicism and fear of cliche and do something deeply, unapologetically romantic.
You send the flowers, have the book signed by the author, request the song, write the note, have the damned thing (tastefully) engraved. You call the other person and tell him or her that a specific thing he or she did this morning that made you fall that much more in love. When you’re not expecting it, he or she dares to say, even though we all know there are no guarantees ever, “When we’re X age, want to Y?”

31.     Just know.
Reader, marry that.

OK OK number 32
You are both certain that you have convinced someone amazing to love you.

Look no further, look within...You are who you are looking for

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7137/what-your-dissatisfying-relationships-are-telling-you.html

What Your Dissatisfying Relationships Are Telling You

By Shelly Bullard

Are you seeking a relationship that will make you feel complete?

Have you been searching for love but all of your experiences seem to fall short?

Do you get excited, thinking you found "the one," only to feel dissatisfied again shortly after the high wears off?

If so, you are reading the right article.

This is a very common experience. It's easy to feel jaded about love if you've had enough experiences that haven't turned out the way you want.

Luckily, there is a reason this keeps happening. Believe it or not, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

The relationship you are really looking for is one with YOURSELF.

I know, you may not believe me at first. You may think that you already have the best possible relationship you can have with yourself.

However if you are constantly up against feelings such as "something is missing," or "this isn't good enough," or "I'm not satisfied," then it's a good indication that it's time to really start tending to the most important relationship in your life–the one you have with you.

When we don't feel satisfied within, we project the feelings of inadequacy onto our partners and other aspects of our life. The real truth is, if it feels like something is missing in your life, then it's probably you (thank you Robert Holden for this life-changing lesson).

Here is what is going on in this oh-so common pattern: When you seek completion (meaning you are looking to feel good about yourself–to feel at peace, in love, and whole) outside of yourself, it implies that you feel incomplete to begin with.

Unfortunately this feeling of incompletion (that lives in you) is going to follow you into whatever situation you make your way into.

Sure, when you fall in love you are going to get a glimpse of completion and love that is so divine.

But, if what drove you into the relationship in the first place was to overcome a sense of feeling incomplete, you will find that soon enough you will begin to feel incomplete within the relationship, too.

Other people don't complete us. Only You complete You.

I know many of us have heard this before and that, in theory, we believe that it is true. But the trouble is we don't do anything about this truth!

We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again–looking for love, for completion, for a sense of inner peace by acquiring things (especially people) outside of us.

Unfortunately nothing on the outside can ultimately change the way you feel on the inside.

This isn't to say that relationships don't serve a purpose. This is not true. They serve the ultimate purpose–for us to feel love.

But there are very different qualities in the type of love you feel if you are trying to complete yourself with someone else versus the type of love you feel when you are showing up to join, share, and co-create with another.

In the first relationship, you are going to feel preoccupied with everything that is missing–with all that you are not getting from the other person.

In the second, you are going to feel much more freedom to just relax and freely give your love away.

You can feel deeply satisfied in relationships with other people. In fact, you are supposed to. But (and this is a big BUT) YOU have to get right with YOU first.

I came across this quote the other day by Suzanne Falter-Barnes, and she sums it up perfectly. Here is what she said:

"There is no relationship pure enough, pristine enough, sublime enough, romantic enough, beautiful enough, fulfilling enough, spiritually attuned enough to overcome the despair you will feel when you are not connected to who you are–when you are not connected to your own heart and soul."

For your life to feel full, YOU must feel full. For your relationships to feel satisfying, YOU must feel satisfied. Soul, depth, heart, and love all come from within. And when you tap into these parts of yourself, you start to feel them all around you.

When you feel disconnected from you, you feel disconnected from everyone around you too. This is just how it works.

So what can you do? Stop looking for the answer outside of yourself–it's not there.

You can't control other people. You can't expect someone to behave in a way that feels good to you all the time. You can't get another person's attention 100% of the time. You can't get a stream of pure positive love from another person all the time. You can't.

But, you can give yourself these things. You can connect into your own heart. You can live out your desires. You can be true to who you really are, and feel fullness from within. You can live your life with depth, purpose, meaning and soul. All these things you can do. And you must, if you really want to live a life filled with joy and love.

You are who you are looking for. It's You. Just you.

If your life doesn't feel satisfying enough–if your relationships are falling short–stop looking for the answer on the outside and go within.

Connect into yourself. Find yourself. Be true to yourself. And when you do, you will find that the love you have been looking for has been with you all along, and that it's here to stay.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com

Published December 13, 2012 at 1:45 PM

About Shelly Bullard



Shelly Bullard is a student and teacher of Love. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CA#51081) turned Love Coach. She teaches people How to Get the Love They Want by helping them: (1) understand why they feel like they aren't getting enough in relationships, (2) learn how to clear the internal blocks to love (aka fear), and (3) learn how to cultivate and an abundant flow of love in their lives everyday. She is currently finishing her book on the subject and creating an online course.


It is Shelly's purpose in life to help people feel more Love. Love doesn't have to be so complicated! But when we don't understand it, it can be challenging and painful. This is where Shelly comes in--she believes that we are all driven by Love; that it is the most powerful force within us. And when we start to gain clarity about what Love is and how it works, then we are able to experience much more of it. We are all intended to live lives filled with Love--Shelly teaches people how to do this.


Shelly coaches people in her private practice in San Francisco as well as on the phone and Skype. For more, contact Shelly below:


Website: shellybullard.com
Facebook: facebook.com/shelly.bullard and Facebook.com/ShellyBullardMFT?ref=hl
Twitter: @soulfullshelly