In memory and honor of Ravi and George

 

I remember being a young girl hanging out at my best friend's house and finding some old vinyl albums (maybe they weren't actually OLD back then, as it was the late 70's or early 80's) stashed in her sister's room. Ravi Shankar was among those albums and was as foreign and exotic to me as anything I had ever experienced (which isn't necessarily saying much as I was raised in super-small town North Carolina.)  What I remember most was that the music was beautiful and it spoke to me. Though, foreign as it was and as unsure of what was "cool" to say, both my best friend and I looked at each other and said it was "weird".  But we continued to listen to it as if we were doing something forbidden, which is to say, we listened as often as we could.  We knew nothing about it and didn't know if it was religious or druggy or shamanic (or what shamanic meant) or if it was from some psychedelic planet.  to our discredit, we also found Air Supply albums and played them till we knew and could belt out every single word "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...." you get the drift...

 

But Ravi's music was beautiful, magic, healing, and something quite special that even two 12 year old girls from a small isolated and conservative town could recognize without having any previous introduction to Indian music. 

 

So, Ravi left this world on December 10, 2012 at the wondrous age of 92 and this little video is to honor him and the beauty and love with which he walked in the world and the gifts he shared.  He taught George Harrison to play the sitar and I believe they became great friends.  I've always admired George.  He was, in fact, always my favorite Beatle.  The real poet amongst a group of wonderfully talented young men from Liverpool.  I am in no way disparaging any of the others as I love(d) them all, even Ringo (in a "we're related, so i have to love you" kind of way), but George was something really special among the already amazing.

 

Here's to you both, beautiful souls - and if you've rested in peace, hopefully you're back among us to usher in some new and wonderful love for the coming generations. Welcome.

 

so it goes....

What if...

"What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If prayer, our words
What if the temple was the Earth
If forests were our church
If holy water--the rivers, lakes, and ocean
...What if meditation was our relationships
If the teacher was life
If wisdom was self-knowledge
If love was the center of our being." ~Ganga White

 

video tribute to 2012 karma yoga trip to india~balasramams

From November 29-December 2 of this year, I was privileged to travel with 8 amazing women on a mission to help some beautiful children in need in orphanages in the state of Kerala, India.  We found that the children of those orphanages - or balasramam's as they are called there - gave us more than we could EVER give them.  In previous posts, you can read more in detail about the journey from my perspective and now, thanks to Rose Lyn (one of those 8 abovementioned women) you can view a little of the magic in video form by clinking the link to the right. 

No video or blog or retelling of the story can do the actual experience justice as it was so compelling and powerfully moving that you really did have to be there to feel it.  suffice it to say - the smiles and the energy and the manner of these children was so beautiful, loving, giving, pure and full of light - that I must rank this at the top experiences of my 45 years of already unbelievably wondrous experiences.  Enjoy and Namaste.

I can't express gratitude adequately or often enough to Neli, Angel, Britt, Kathy, Luisa, Michelle, Ouenn and Rose for the time and the shared experience of love and magic.

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Original invitation and introduction excerpted below from Neli Hristova, who I am honored to call friend, my yoga teacher and an overall ray of beautiful light...who organized this trip and did the vast majority of the fund raising to make it all possible through over a year's worth of free yoga in the park sessions, and fund raising parties dedicated to this event.

" Karma means Action, and Karma Yoga is associated with selfless actions that would benefit the society, doing something with no expectations of anything in return!

Join us for a long weekend trip at the beginning of December to the breathtaking Indian state of Kerala. A life changing experience - spending time with little orphans, surrounding them with love, care and compassion. They just need to know that the society has not forgotten about them.
Let us make this an unforgettable experience that they will keep in their hearts forever!

As some of you know, I started the Yoga donation initiative last year in October, initially I was holding classes on the Corniche and the money was collected for Maiti Nepal - an organisation supporting young ladies victims of human trafficking. However, I did not feel that the small amount of money we were collecting would have had an impact on a big organisation like Maiti Nepal, also, I did not know how the donations were going to be used.

I kept looking at various options on the internet - from helping with education expenses to donating money for purchasing food and clothes for a child. My research lead me to different articles where the authors were claiming that with this type of donations, the children do not actually benefit from the money, the kids were made to sign disclaimers or write letters to sponsors confirming the receipt of the donations, but they actually did not see any of it.

I did want the donations from my Yoga students to bring positive changes to the orphans's life, and wanted to know how and why the money are being used.

Then I started talking to my Indian friends to see if they know personally a trustworthy charity where I can send the donations. I was given details of a few charities near Bangalore supporting orphans and underprivileged children. I decided instead of just sending the money, I would travel to India, and stay at the orphanages as a volunteer. Then I would know what the kid's daily life is, get to know them better, find out what they need the most .... and purchase it myself. I want to bring a smile on their little faces, give them love, happiness and joy, a wonderful memories that they will keep in their hearts forever...

I choose India because Yoga was born there, and Yoga helped me turn my life around, made me a happier, healthier, a better person. My Yoga Guru, Devadasji, who I deeply respect is from India as well, and I wanted to give something back to the people of this beautiful country.

In terms of a destination, I finally decided to organise a trip to Kerala - it is easy to get there, also My Yoga Guru comes from the beautiful state, and he has told me about 3 orphanages in a desperate need of help that he personally supports. Devadasji also recommended an Ashram where we can all stay, located not far from the orphanages."

As mentioned previously, the ashram was the Amritapuri Ashram www.amritapuri.org in Kerala, India.

Ashram, Orphans, Karma Yoga and universe-sized buckets of gratitude and love

I have no idea how to start this post and know without a doubt that anything I have to say or that I try to paint in word-picture form for you will not do any of the experience justice...but I must get it down and get it down quickly while it is still fresh in my mind.

So. Wow. To say this past weekend was life changing, altering, transforming...would be the most vast of all understatements, ever.

You may not even know what I'm referring to, so forgive me for jumping in.  This past weekend, I was fortunate beyond previous imaginings of what luck and fortune are...and spent far too short a time in Kerala, India with a beautiful and amazing group of women on a Karma Yoga trip.

It started with a beautiful and inspirational soul belonging to someone I am grateful to call my friend.  Neli is my yoga teacher in Abu Dhabi...she is an incredible being of light who brings joy to any situation she walks into.  You may have heard me refer to Wednesday night yoga in the park....that's Neli.  She's from Bulgaria and was in the banking/mortgage business and became a full time yoga teacher while here in Abu Dhabi...which she says changed her life for the way better.  (no kidding, right!?)

To honor her passion for life, yoga, positivity, good health and for making right changes in diet, lifestyle, consumerism, etc... - she started offering free yoga classes on Wednesday nights at Khalidya Park about a year ago.  You didn't have to pay, but if you wanted to donate, you could.  All proceeds were to go to orphanages in India.  When I first started going to Neli's classes in March or April, I didn't know what that meant and I didn't care.  I wanted to go to yoga and free yoga outdoors sounded like a great idea and way to meet likeminded people.

I had NO idea....After I attended my first class, the energy and spirit of the people and my dear friend transformed my perspective.  And about a year or so later...this past weekend, I was honored and humbled to be able to accompany Neli and 7 other beautiful women to Kerala, India for our karma yoga weekend visiting three orphanages and bring them clothes, toys, time, love and a bit of money. 

For anyone unfamiliar with Karma Yoga...the wikipedia definition goes like this: 

"The word karma is derived from the Sanskrit kri, meaning 'to do'. In its most basic sense karma simply means action, and yoga translates to union. Thus karma yoga literally translates to the path of union through action. However, in Vedantic philosophy the word karma means both action and the effects of such action. Karma yoga is described as a way of acting, thinking and willing by which one orients oneself toward realization by acting in accordance with one's duty (dharma) without consideration of personal self-centered desires, likes or dislikes. One acts without being attached to the fruits of one's deeds."

Basically...it means doing good without asking for anything in return.  Selfless acts...and such.  But oh, we got so much in return. Much more than the kids at the orphanages.  They gave us inspiration, love, light, beauty, gratitude, persepctive, bright beaming smiles, curiousity, and endless energy.  For our souls and our minds and our bodies.  Simply put. It was awe inspiring. Emotional. Tears of appreciation and amazement at these beautiful little souls and the people who care for them may now be a new daily constant. 

We experienced so much in a short time which makes it difficult to encapsulate it all fully.  The abridged version of our adventure is that we slept, ate, meditated, and did yoga in Amma's Ashram in Kollom.  For those of you who have read or seen "Eat, Pray, Love"....this is THAT very ashram.  www.Amritapuri.org  for more info.  Amma actually arrived on our last night there, so the place was magically (and loudly) abuzz with the energy and excitement of those who came to bask in her aura and to hopefully get one of her world famous healing hugs. We did not see her ourselves, and didn't attempt to as there were far more people who seemed in need than we.  Plus, their devotion borders on worship and while I think she is a magnificent human being that we could all take some lessons from, she is not a deity.  But the place truly did have a very special energy about it and I found I would like to go back and spend a month or so really exploring the other people more than anything.  What stories and adventures they must all have to share (if willing). If nothing else, just being in the company of peace-loving, service oriented individuals is and would be quite powerful.

Over the course of three life changing days we communed with one another, we explored the temple, watched a monkey, got shushed numerous times by Ashram residents who did not find our enthusiasm amusing....slept on a 2 inch thick mattress on a bare floor, ate amazing indian vegan fare prepared by the ashram and by the orphanages (who treated us like honored royalty), took a rickshaw out to a beach to watch dolphins and actually SAW dolphins...did our own Karma Yoga photo shoot on the beach (pics to come soon once someone posts them), had an ashtanga yoga class on a rooftop lit by the red moon, (I am told I taught that class...I cannot agree as that would dishonor yoga teachers everywhere - but it really was quite an amazing experience...and I am pretty sure that Peter Askew would not approve necessarily, but would understand), we visited two boy's orphanages and 1 girl's orphanage and were fed by all of them, played with them, and were enchanted by their songs and dances.  They were all so open and beautiful and eager to show us their talents and sing us their songs.  Tears were abundant.  We visited the site of an in-progress new girl's orphanage that we are adopting and may be hounding you for donations for soon, attended an ashram yoga class (yes - we like yoga...we're a yoga group....), took endless pictures of the unreasonably gorgeous Kerala countryside and people.  Everyone we saw was beautiful and had a beautiful smile.  Incredible. On our last day, we slept in a bit from sheer exhaustion and all went out to the beautiful beach town of Varkala where a fellow yogini and I got our noses pierced. So boho-gypsy are we, Michelle!! And my Outlaw. My love. You were with me every step of the way.

The love and honor and amazement I have for my fellow karma yoga travelers and our Bulgarian-yogi-earth-mother, Neli is not something I can measure with words, but it is indeed bottomless. Thank you - ALL. So much. 

I could write volumes about each of you and likely will at a later time...but I carry with me now the images of tireless photographic dedication and the gorgeous smiles from Kathy...the tears shed by Angel at the very sight of the boys in the first orphanage - her generous and loving heart broken by the sight of their beautiful faces...the bounce and spunk (like Tigger) of Ouenn with her schmaltzy girl soundtrack that we all loved and sang along to.... the humility and curiousity of Rose (or is it Rowz?) whose unassuming and quiet nature calmed us all...Luisa's incredible tales of life in Portugal and the world with the resilient soul still trying to make sense of life...the endless facial expressions from Michelle that kept the kids (and us) laughing and earned her the very coveted new moniker "Mr. Bean" (best spiritual name - EVER!) and who also was my partner in crime for the nose ornamentation...and the lovely, tall, blonde peaceful warrior Britt, who gave us all space to be ourselves and to be authentic while imparting wisdom and kindness to everyone. 

... to my Neli, our Neli....the honor of meeting you and traveling with you and constantly learning from you keeps my gratitude coffers overflowing. Namaste~

To the children of the Balasraman's we visited - you really did give us much more than we could ever give you.  We have no idea what brought you to the orphanage...if your parents passed away or if they gave you up because they couldn't feed you, if you were unwanted, if you were abused...we don't know.  What we DO know is that each and every one of you is so beautiful and touched my life so deeply and profoundly, (and I am certain the lives of the Karma 9 as well) that we are forever in your debt for the experience.  Your songs and your voices were otherworldy.  Your dances enchanting.  Your smiles made us all fall in love.  Your spirits are so pure and full, I wish you infinite joy and peace as you journey through this big, wonderful world.  And to the people who care for you - your lives are an example of loving, giving karma yoga service to us all.  Love, light, peace.


Till next time in Kerala...or perhaps sooner in Nepal...I look forward to any opportunity to share space and memories with each of you. 

My broken, happy heart...breathtaking new territory

So, does anyone remember a few months back when I said I had discovered the most profound love I could imagine and that I knew it was a risk and that my heart might get broken, but I didn't care? that it was worth the risk? That for me to truly love, I needed to love for free and only in doing so could I love entirely with my soul? Actually, I don't think I ever phrased it that way, but that fits...

It turns out, that was entirely, wholly, without any shadow of a doubt, TRUE.

To experience another human being that you can wholly be yourself with, warts and all...with no worry of being judged or awkward or less than...to know that you are accepted exactly as and for who you are because you are who you are...well, I am here to tell you that is priceless and rare and I have never, ever experienced it in a romantic context ever. Or any context really. No matter how much other people love you, they generally want to know that you fit into a certain container that defines you to them.  We all do that, I think.  And this is a disservice to ourselves and to our fellow humans because we never really truly get to experience each other...to know...to give each other space to just be.  

So for me, to know there is someone on the planet that I can say ANYTHING to, share my darkest secrets and weaknesses with, admit my flaws, laugh my ass off with, love my soul out with, share silence with reverence and respect, and recognize that the very knowledge that they exist makes me come alive - well, that is fucking extraordinary. The closest I have ever come to that is my beautiful Williamsburg-Raleigh-Cali tribe.  They are beautiful, amazing, accepting, giving, and I love them to the bone.  They might think I'm a little weird, but they love me for it, even if they don't understand it.  Damn, I dig that.

My heart has learned so much over the years with so much trial and error...(more error than not). And I couldn't be happier to be sad right now.  Does that sound insane to anyone else?  But really...if you have read any of my rambling stories,  you know I skip to the beat of a different drum and that sometimes I piss you off because the shit I say that matters to me and that what I believe and say either scares you or resonates with you on some level that you don't want to admit to...or on the other hand you get it totally, because you have traveled through your own soul a little bit (or a lot) and you understand that the conventional, cookie cutteresque existence we've all been taught is the only way ISN'T the only way.  You know I'm not everyone's cup of tea and you know I probably repeat myself an awful lot...but if you are reading - it means something to you on some level, so let me just say thank you, from the depths, for that. If you find yourself challenging yourself even a little bit and thinking about taking a leap of "fuck it, I'm alive, and I want to live every breath of my life like it is oxygen, because....IT IS." (should I have hyphenated or hashtagged that? Fuck it.)

And so, yeah....my well traveled heart is broken. Into tiny little pieces that upon breaking had no idea what to do with themselves and so they decided to stick together and whisper gently to remind me that I am the luckiest person on the planet and that I am filled to the rim, no...overflowing with gratitude.  Endless rivers of gratitude that I can swim in and feel the stars and hear the colors and marvel at the unexpected phosphorescence and the orgasmic electricity channeled by shamanic healing that leaves me laughing through my tears.

So, you may be asking...if it was so damn profound and amazing and wonderful and all of that, then why is your heart broken? Why is it over? Are you delusional? Kidding yourself? In denial?

My answer, may not be as prolific as I would like it to be...and I will try not to make you roll your eyes by overusing cliches...but it all boils down to this (I think, but what the fuck do I know?)....I don't think any of us have any idea what we are doing here and we all live with fears and shadows and self hatred that we never share with anyone and that we maybe never even admit to ourselves.)

Was/Is it timing? Did it serve its purpose? I know all things are transient and all things change and all things end eventually.  Except love.  That kind of love.  I believe THAT kind of love will remain as a beautiful healing energy that from time to time those who are most in need and are open to it, will receive little micro-reverberations to help them through a hard time.  I truly do believe we are all connected.  I believe a long term union from the short term union I experienced could actually give so much healing energy and power into the universe grid that the simple fact of knowing that it is possible gives me a phoenix-like resolve to keep going, keep loving, keep sharing and to keep believing. 

And from that....I am just simply thrilled to my knickers to know that it exists. That THAT kind of love is possible for me.  That my Outlaw exists.  And that no matter what happens - it will all be ok.  He opened my eyes, my heart, my soul...

My Outlaw and I may not be destined to be together (though, for the record, I'm a "fuck fate, I make my own destiny through my choices" kind of gal...but I do pay homage to whatever cosmic vibration, twin flame, inevitable energetic forces conspire to cause us to meet to begin with.)
But whether we never see each other again or realize that without the other, we cannot breathe....I will absolutely continue to live and love every day as if I were dying (because, every day should be a good day to die...if you do it right.)

And at the end of the day, as I said in the beginning...whether it has "forever" stamped on it, or "expired", it doesn't matter.  Not an ounce of regret.  Not a hint of it.  I loved every second. 


We all search for love and happiness and fulfillment and most of us maybe don't really have any idea what that is or how to recognize it if it happens upon us.  (or I may just be projecting here...) 
But the simple fact of the matter is, that I found the completely accepting, non-judgmental, no expectations-based, Outlaw, I love you for free....Deep. Profound. Beautiful. Soul-opening. Revealing. Growth Inspiring. Healing love that I have always dreamed of and assumed was simply not possible or real. 

It was.  It is. That is where I live.  With the knowledge and the complete bliss it brings to my soul to know that YOU exist.  With or without me.  I love you for free.  Love IS the ultimate outlaw.  And it just won't adhere to any rules...and I've said it before, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Aid. Abet. Accomplice. 

?

Accept.  Acknowledge. Appreciate.

Thank you from the deepest possible...

Oh, and  - Love Yourself.  Don't self depracate..  Try living from a place of YES.  And gratitude.  Lose the judgment.  Say yes. Be open.  Don't blame.  (yourself OR others).  Surrender is not a martyrous act. Is martyrous a word? I like it.... But no, surrender is zen.  It is acceptance.  It is trust.  It is love.  Give yourself to it.  Believe in it.  (when you do, it will believe in you back....i promise!!!).

Last - forgive yourself.  Every single second of every single day until it becomes a natural way of moving in the world.  You are beautiful.  You are love.  You are struggling because you have always been searching and the answers are coming to you and you don't know what to make of them.  Don't worry about  that.  Accept yourself and forgive yourself and yes, LOVE yourself .  Don't judge your emotions.  Sit with them. Learn from them.  But don't label yourself or belittle yourself because of them. Ever.  Just be.  Practice.  It will get easier and one day, before you know it - it will just be habit.  And then reality.

Everything will be ok.  No matter what.  Don't lose YOU along the way. Rise above the self loathing and self blame that is so easy to come by for all of us. That goes for all of you. 

....and it goes without saying, but if you ever need to "come home", just close your eyes and click your heels three times...etc. etc. etc.  Break on through...see you on the other side...bees knees-cat's pajamas-man who hung the moon....

Ramadan and Eid will FOREVER remain my favorite holidays.  (Along with Thanksgiving with my peeps, who for the record, I really wish you could meet.)

I love you for free...

~Cricket

On gratitude...

Grateful for the lessons...grateful for the time...grateful for the laughter...grateful for the pain and tears...grateful for the meeting...grateful for the love...grateful for the growth...grateful for the loss...grateful for the empty hole that feels like a vacuum on my life force...it is teaching me...reshaping me...has taught me...and makes me appreciate what was and what is yet to come all the more.

Grateful for the sorrow...grateful for the hope...grateful for the said...and for the unsaid.

This life, my life, and the lives of those around me are so very awe inspiring to me on a minute by minute basis.

I believe. I trust. I accept. I surrender. I love. I bleed. I cry. I laugh. I need. I wish. I want. I dream. I wonder. I stumble. I fall. I give. I receive. I see. I hear. I feel. I touch. I taste.

I live in amazement and utterly complete thankfulness.

I let go.

I am.

Letting go...

Hardest part of understanding...and love and maybe acceptance and non-attachment. But, understand I do.

Love is the ultimate outlaw. And it definitely does not adhere to any rules. Truth be told, I really love that about love.