Here's to life, moonlight, forgiveness, love, yoga and whatever happens...

So, it kind of goes without saying that I am on some sort of journey, right? I dig that.  I'm embracing it and loving most steps of the way.  I will tell you plainly and honestly now that I have absolutely NO idea what the journey is about, where it is headed, or what I am hoping for in an outcome.  Because really, I don't. 

When I first went to Kuwait, it was for adventure and escape...from the marriage forged in deceit, eggshell walking and nothing short of daily bizarreness.  When I left Kuwait, I did so with a song in my heart and a purpose and with renewed vitality and this feeling that I had somehow overcome the world and myself and my ego and my psyche and "watch out world, here I come."

Let me tell you how that worked out. (Fairly well, for the most part...complete with new lessons to learn and old lessons to remember.)

I arrived home in February of 2011.  I had a great job already arranged to work from home.  Home was with my amazing clan in Williamsburg. Can't begin to tell you how lucky I am to have them in my life and to be a part of theirs.  But.  I remained restless.  Maybe it was the time in the desert of Kuwait and the long days and weeks and the lack of any real outside stimulation that led me to begin cross country adventures upon my return.  My goal was solid.  I had a work from home job...I would do it and do it well and I travel and work from wherever I am.   Quite simply because I could.  And I did. 

I met a series of interesting post divorce male friends. (Post MY divorce, that is.)  That kitesurfing guy with the sailboat and anger issues...the professor-man writing a few books who introduced me to Scotland and the beautiful people I met there. The entrepeneur friend who cooks a mean sticky salmon and has a nice hurricane haven down in NC.  The man who as luck would have it, lived nearby enough, but the timing just seemed to be off with...but he and his wit, intelligence, lovable nerdiness and the undeniable connection felt during a long and platonic weekend in the OBX still leave me smiling and wondering.

Cut to wonderful weeklong visits with girlfriends....Kimba in NJ and all of her wonderful friends....Vikki in Kansas City and a wonderful, insightful time was had.  A few solo trips to the Outer Banks and Ocracoke Island.  A few to Corolla and a most needed and beautiful respite from the madness of trying to date in my 40's.  Long bike rides with Holly, more long bike rides with Holly and Mary...attempting to long distance train with Lori, Holly and Mary...(mm, hmm - a fitness theme here that led to an injury.  Don't overdo it folks...)  Beautiful nights on the deck with Letty and Christine and hubbies...cooking with Kate...movies with Abby and Jake and friends, neverending smiles and laughs with Izzy. It was a beautiful and wonderful time between Middle East gigs.

In short, I would not trade my time for anything.  And while it may sound like the backdrop for an incredible romance or two, it wasn't.  Or, maybe it was.  The beginning of a real romance with myself.  Someone I realized had been neglected for a long time and the lovely time spent with everyone further helped me to realize that I was the one who needed to romance me.  I was the one who needed me.  I was the one who needed my love and my acceptance and my forgiveness. 

After this realization, I walked away feeling relatively cocksure of myself and knowing without any doubt that I could take on anything...that I was fully actualized as a human being and whatever happened next was going to be fucking phenomenal.

Sooooo, you know what happens when we get that cocksure of ourselves...when we feel that indestructible and like NOTHING can fuck with us? Yeah, things fuck with us.  Not as some twisted fate vs. your ego come to teach you a lesson type thing....but more of a gentle reminder of who you are, what is what and to approach things with  a tad more humility and to remember .... let me say this LOUDER - to REMEMBER who we are and what we are doing here and what we want.  Who  I am.  What I am doing here and what I want.  Dig? Yeah.  It sucks for a bit, but it gets better.  So much better....

You may remember this romance thing I had with an old friend that I thought was the be all, end all.  You may also recall that it failed miserably.  And that he walked away without so much as a "it's not you, it's me".  It was,  I mean...flat on your face, teenage angsty miserableness.   How embarrasing at 44.  You'd think it would get easier.  You'd think the butterflies and nerves would go away and that somehow the senses would get honed and you'd basically have this beautiful zen approach to everything that couldn't go wrong because, you're golden, right? (for the sake of readability here, when I  say "you", I do mean moi.)  Silly, still haven't apparently learned a damn thing, moi.  That was the lesson he gave me.  To remember what I had forgotten and to remember to appreciate the me that I am and to not shapeshift to make myself into something I didn't want to be. I needed to remember it.  I needed to remember my purpose.  And my purpose is simply to go and see and be and experience what feeds me and makes my heart sing.  Not what someone else needs me to do or be.  Gratitude.  That's where I live.  It's pretty here. Join me?

And all of that is ok.  I can't be knocked down for too long.  Because I know a secret that a lot of people don't or won't accept.  I know all about change.  And acceptance.  And forgiveness. (Mostly of ourselves.  we are really the only ones we need to forgive, you know?)  It's true. (I've had lots of practice...expecting more...oh boy~)

And beyond all of that, I know about choice.  CHOICE.  You have heard me say it before.  Choice.  You, me, him, her, them, we, us....all pronouns----we have a choice.  A choice for anything.  A choice for happiness.   A choice for embracing life as a big magical wonder or seeing it as shit.  A choice for teaching our children to truly be better than us...better than others...not judgmental.  A choice to live out our hell on earth or our bliss....if you haven't been paying attention, I don't buy into the religion or afterlife dogma.  Maybe our energy recycles and we are reborn again and again...that makes sense to me...but that other stuff.  No thanks.  Not for me.  That is a topic for another blog, I'm sure.  (It is whatever you CHOOSE to believe it is, by the way.  Life.  The world.  Your circumstances.  Your state of mind.  Happiness. Love. Hate. Sadness.  Conspiracy.  Whatever....if that is lost on you...experiment with it.  What have you got to lose?  That is pretty much how I arrived at the knowledge that choice is everything.  Trial and error.  Starts and restarts.  Blame and remorse. Self battery and redemption. I figured out that my attitude and intention towards any given situation gave it life and that it could be light or dark. Definite turning point, that.

I now know and accept responsibility for all the good and the plentiful bad choices I have made in life.  And I know they were all on me. And I'm willing to shake my hand and let bygones be bygones for the misbegotten hope and wishes I had that led me to my own (temporary) downfall...and to my ultimate salvation. 

And with everything that has happened in my world...good, bad, ambiguous.....my life has remained phenomenal.  And gained in beauty and quite frankly, never ceases to amaze me.  In the past 8 months alone, I have taken another job in the Middle East, met some amazing expats from all over the world, as well as many emiratis who love their country with a pride that is inspiring....reconnected with old friends, lost a few friends, traveled to Park City for skiing, Tampa for misguided - albeit needing to be resolved ideals about love and romance, the South of France, where I met amazing people, drank incredible wine and plan to return soonest!...a yoga farm in Portugal, where I discovered that yoga was always a part of me and that it would, could and may continue to save my life...London - where I rediscovered rain, beauty, history and that people are not always what you think they are, but they are what they ARE....and that is perfectly as it should be.  Another two weeks in Portugal at the same aforementioned yoga farm where I was able to deepen my yoga practice, spend time with friends made before and discover new and beautiful friends, most of which I do not doubt will last a lifetime.  Things get pretty real at the yoga farm.  It isn't a fancy retreat that many of you have imagined it to be.  Not a luxury destination or a shopper's delight.  I have often laughed a bit at your descriptions to me of what you thought I must be up to in Portugal. If you only knew.  It was so, so, SO much more.    There are people that I have met there who have given me gifts I would never, ever have received otherwise.  Many of you, I have thanked or mentioned already.  A few others, I have not.  Indulge me for a moment, if you will....

Saskia.  You are a beautiful, shining ray of light whose voice I carry around with me in my head almost as much as Peter and Sue's.  Perhaps all that vipassana deepened and enabled your voice to travel on different wavelengths.  Whatever the cause, I am beyond grateful to have met you and to have spent time.  I've missed you every day since you left a few Wednesday's back.  Nice way to get out of the Primary Series!!! :) 

And Lynn from bonnie Scotland, who lives in Lisboa and designs our homes...you are amazing and one of the easiest to be around, gentlest, loveliest souls I have met.  More and more gratitude. 

Erika, you beautiful, ridiculously young yet wise for your age and curious spirit!!!! I hope you will go and see the world and continue to bask in its wonder and don't let other people define what you should be or do.  The rest of us have done that many times over.  Carve out your own way in the world.  For all of us - and most of all, and most importantly - for yourself. 

Isabella, I know I have paid you tribute many times.  You honor me simply with your friendship and your ear.  And with the gentle touch you approach the land, the food, and every soul you encounter.  It is humbling to know you.

Peter and Sue.  I love you both. Big time.  And on so many levels.  I don't even know how to put it into words adequately.  You've changed my life.  I know it is sort of your "thing" out there, but I don't know if you realize that you actually do REACH us and ever so slightly (or profoundly) change us and challenge us to change ourselves and show us a world that is more beautiful than we might have ever imagined.  The practice with both of you is something I miss each day...and hope to return to soonest! 

And Kitt, you are the most! Great big loving hugs and gratitude to Kitt who has helped me set it all straight and get the life I want on course.  Love and light, lady.  Love and light. 

Guy you ridiculously good looking  young cynic, you! I have no doubt you are molding young minds admirably and in a way that would do us all proud - and passing on critical thinking skills that are so absent today.  Keep on with what you have going on, it works!!  Be careful in rocky bathrooms with hard surfaces, late at night, though.  They can be a bitch :).

Ceri, you are hilarious and the quintessential English curmudgeon with an excess of intelligence and penchant for big words, cynicism and the biggest helping of naivete that you are simply contagious to be around.  I will dedicate some practices to you and send warm loving light in hopes that you will find that woman to help make that dilapidated, 120 year old, unfurnished victorian house of yours into a home filled with love and warmth and laughter. 

Iris - your ability to cut to the chase, see every situation with light and literally sleep anywhere, even with flies biting you - is beyond admirable. 

Agnes and Kati - I hope your travels together after the yoga farm were amazing, revealing and inspiring! I'm so happy to have met you and hope very much to see you both again.

Yoga isn't about resort life and amenities.  It isn't about being perfect.  It isn't about being the most athletic.  It is about being.  Breathing.  Reflecting.  Accepting.  Fucking up.  and then getting up and doing it all over again, AGAIN - because you know you are worth it and life is worth it and THIS is what the journey is all about. 

Lucky.  I am.  Happy to be on this planet.  I am.  Honored and humbled every day by the experiences and friendships life gives me.  I am beholden to you, Life.  Truly, Deeply, Madly. Thank you.

Let's round out this story with that thing I feel the most - gratitude.  Why, just last night, I had the opportunity to spend unexpected quality time with a MOST disarmingly beautiful and real human being in the moonlight talking, laughing, learning, inquiring, dining, wondering eerily why noone else was around in such a beautiful place on such a beautiful night.  Surreal.  And yes, there were some hints of romance in the air...some wonder...some happy butterflies...curiousity and some mystery and loads of beauty and "unexpected take your breath away" moments.  In short, it was a top, top night.  Amazing.  Beautiful.  At 44, I am beyond thrilled to know that can still happen.  And I arrived today with something far more precious... 

No expectations. No angst. No wondering what is next. Total gratitude for what it was.  TOTAL. (and how!!!) Whatever happens next, is what happens next.  And THAT is a gift.

The understanding and the realization that all that shit I say (or preach?) all the time is actually real.  Choice.  Loving yourself.  Myself. Ourselves. Whatever.  Forgiving ourselves. All of us. Owning it.  And being ok with it, come what may. 

I truly believe we are all put here on this planet to help and love and serve each other in some way.  And I'm beside myself with excitement to be a part of it all.  (I'm reminded of the line from Desperado where Antonio Banderas' character says to Salma Hayek's character in the hospital....)

him "Carolina?" 

her "yes?"

him " Did I thank you?"

her "No."

him "I will."

If you read all of this and are still with me it is resonating on some level, that makes it all worthwhile.  To anyone else scratching their head and asking themselves "what the hell is she talking about"? Thanks for reading...I hope it makes a little sense someday, because to me, it is simply the art of being human.  I'm happy to share the journey.

Love and light to you all~

Nourishment...

The week has passed so quickly at the yoga farm, and along with it so many thoughts, emotions, ideas, inspirations, dreams, hellos and goodbyes to process. The hellos are sweet, tentative, and energizing as you gauge who you are sharing your company with and wonder about their stories when you first meet. A blank slate of expectations is essential as rarely does anyone ever fit into the box our human minds sometimes try to put them in upon that first hello. I won't bore you with that same old, "I can't believe how lucky I am to be living the life I am living and how enriched my life is everyday by love and yoga and the energy from the people and places I encounter"....but, it is quite frankly true. The gratitude I have come to feel on a daily basis just at being alive and in love with the world pales beside the actual experience itself and a week in Amieira at the yoga farm raises the gratitude levels to interstellar. I wish you all even some fraction of the peace and love of this beautiful journey of feeling awakened, alive, raw, vulnerable, loved, supported, and wholly nourished that I have come to know simply as a day in the life here at Peter and Sue's place in the mountains of Portugal.

Nourishment is truly the apropos word that can encompass what I receive from the rigorous twice daily practice of Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga, the morning silence through breakfast, the deliciously fresh, creative and entirely natural nontoxic macrobiotic meals, the time to walk, reflect, read, nap, explore new friendships with people from around the world who have come here to have this experience, the endless and ongoing conversations that reveal the beauty in another's soul and often reveals the beauty in my own to me.

To be nourished is not simply to fill your belly...people do that every day. And unfortunately often with poisons and chemicals and non-food substances created to feed the morbidly obese and insatiable appetites of profit driven industry. A dirty business that does so little to actually provide nourishment for the bodies being served, but as usual, I digress. Nourishment first of all comes from within. The recognition of and the desire to feed oneself with what will heal us. With what is good. With what really serves us. Light. Release. Beauty. Healthy foods. Water. Breath. Life. Experience. Love. Acceptance. Safety. Evolution and self actualization on the journey.

We learn in yoga that the breath is primary and indeed it is. You can't live without the breath, yogically inclined or no. Without breath, there is no life. Take that on whatever level speaks to you. For me, it is at the core and heart of everything. It is nourishment.

If I could ask you one question right now, it would be what do you do everyday that truly nourishes you? What feeds you and fills you with energy and wonder? What inspires you? What breathes life into your soul? What gives you purpose? What attracts you? What makes your very life-force sing? I suppose, as is my usual form, that was actually several questions, but they do all interrelate do they not?

If those questions leave you unable to answer or thinking "I'm too busy for that mumbo jumbo" or scratching your head because you don't know what I mean, or maybe even compelling you to tell me to go fly a kite...then with the deepest sense of love and compassion I'd like to ask you to challenge yourself to find at least one thing a day that nourishes you and do it. In fact, I'd like to implore you to do so. For the beautiful life you have, for the lives of those around you, for the world we all share and the connecting energy that ties us all together...nourish yourself. Every day. Then give gratitude to yourself for that nourishment. Thank yourself. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Show others how to do it. Then do it a little more each day. Pretty soon, it will just become how you live and how you walk through the world. And as you walk in nourishment, you nourish others and they in turn will do the same and maybe, just maybe (yes, here's my kumbaya moment) we'll all start to appreciate each other more... That appreciation will lead us to appreciate our bodies more...our minds and souls more...our planet more...and maybe, just maybe we can care a little less about the things at don't serve us but that we think we need, and will know that the only thing that matters, the essence of it all, is love in all it's manifestations and definitions.

Love. Breath. Gratitude. The ultimate nourishment. I believe these words are as interchangeable as they are connected. I've got another week ahead at the yoga farm and hope to check back in more than once. For now, I am left with the imprints of those I had to say goodbye to last night who made my life richer for knowing them. Michelle, beautiful artist, yogi, and gentle soul... Mir, loving, healing, engaging, and kind man... Lisa, beautifully funny, quirky, ray of bubbly sunshine...Michael, German soul with great wit and contagious smile...Beth lovely, yearning and filled with wonder...Lisanne, beautiful and exotic, marvelously fearless and ironically deaf but who hears much more than many ever will, Hannah, with the lovely quiet and unassuming manner and the elegance and grace of the dancer, and the fabulously funny and Irish Georgina, an engineer and a blooming warrior spirit. I'd rather not say goodbye to any of you, so let's just say "till we meet again" or see you later. Thank you all for choosing this past week to have your yoga retreat journey. I'm honored to have shared time and space with you. Of course, I've spoken of Peter and Sue and Isabella before and I can only say that my respect, admiration and love for each of them has only been deepened (or nourished, if you will). And to those still here for either another few days or weeks, we've much left to share and learn and I am gratefully looking forward to it.

One of so many sustaining pieces of wisdom has been beautifully painted and expressed by Michelle Hill in mural form on the yoga farm.

you can't shapeshift to fit your relationships...

...and neither can I.  I had an epiphany yesterday on my walk home from a wonderful afternoon spent with my friend, Neli.  We had just shared a raw, vegan and unbelievably creative and delicious lunch and even better conversation that I was reluctant to leave. 

As can happen when you are spending time with people who happen to be deeper than the average bear, like yourself - questions come up and inevitably with me, it is always revealed that I am 44...no kids...and thrice married.  Everyone has different reactions to that knowledge...and Neli's was simply "what....could you not have sex without being married?". HA! and No.  Would that this were the case, but no.  That was never a prerequisite and shall never be. 

But as I was walking home, I continued thinking - so why DID I marry three times?  Most people after one failed marriage shy away from the next....or certainly after two, they throw in the towel.  (aside from our Hollywood types...) So......why did I choose to willingly enter a marriage on three different occasions?  Masochist?  No.  Eternal optimist? No. Deluded shapeshifter? Getting warmer....

This whole thought process reveals several distinct truths for me.  One, I had no idea what marriage was or was supposed to be.  Two, I came from that broken place I have written about in the past and need not reiterate here - but because of that, I wanted desperately to build my own family to make up for what I never had....and I thought that getting  married would somehow make me whole.  Normal.  Like everybody else.  Functional.  And that it would of course, bring me ultimate happiness.  Ohhhh boy.... you can see where this might be going, eh?

So back to the epiphany I had yesterday...First, duh - I'm not normal.  Thank the universe!!  And great jumping jelly beans - I am already whole!!! The trick was in just having to figure that out for myself.   Only took about 44 years and some change...maybe a little less, but I am still in need of reminders at this point.  My most recent foray in to relationship bliss reminded me of that as well. 

So, the cool thing about this humbling yet empowering revelation is that I can let go of the self-defeating stigma I have been giving myself from "failing" at these marriages and can recognize that significant growth has occurred and each of these changing of name experiences has served to bring me to the very confident (finally) and peaceful state of mind and being that tells me that I am ready for what is next.  Whatever, and whoever and wherever that may be. 

There will be no shapeshifting to fit into someone else's life and I certainly don't want anyone shapeshifting to fit into mine.  When it happens, he will dig me for me with all my faults and idiosyncrasies...he will teach me things and learn from me.  We'll allow each other to be our best versions of ourselves and challenge each other.  I may be 50...even 60 when I meet him, (or realize I already know him) but I look forward to it.  I feel a peaceful and comfortable smile shining from within. 

With him (whoever he is) or without him, I am whole.  I am happy.  I am me.  I am completely and utterly in love with the world. 

And if anyone reading has any doubts of any kind whatosoever....You Are Whole Too.  Don't be afraid to believe it.  To defend it.  To share it.  And to let it comfort you whenever you feel a little lost. We must, MUST love ourselves first and entirely and unconditionally before we can give that sort of love to another.  It isn't selfish.  It is healing.  It is how we can be our best for those that we love....by loving ourselves first. 

Love and light to all~

the power of words...and needing to write them is a kind of bondage...

today....I have no power in my words as I am struggling to find them. 

Ever since committing to write everyday, well - I have not necessarily gone the creative route I most enjoy. So, as I struggle through this period, the blogs might get REAL boring.  I will alert the media and all relevant outlets should I write something of possible merit that feels like something someone might actually like to read. 

and if you are reading this - please accept my humblest apologies.  I am a work in progress as is my writing... but you might just enjoy some of it...

Today is the anniversary, 15th, of the drowning death of Jeff Buckley - one of the most amazing talents ever to grace the planet.  And my personal favorite.  I mean, like  - COMPLETE favorite.  No rivals. 
I suppose they don't know if it was accidental or "on purpose", but it doesn't matter as the end result is the same. 

Kind of like a break up...or other loss in life.  We always want to know the reason.  Sometimes we even demand it.  But why?  The reason doesn't change the outcome.  It only serves our arsenal of demons.  If we have a reason, then we will attach some value or blame or imagined malice or wrong to it.  When the reality of it is, someone opted out.  And you know what?  That is their right, their choice and their duty to themselves if they are being true to themselves and what is real for them.   We don't happen to like it because we weren't ready for them to opt out.  And it doesn't serve us.  We want a reason.  If we get a reason, then we can assign blame - or find a way to label ourselves a victim.  Then we become so fully enmeshed in our drama and story that we want to share and recount to everyone.

....and of course our friends LOVE to hear this self serving drivel....(wonder why they suddenly aren't around anymore???)

 And after all of this and all of that, the end result is still the same.  It's still over.  The relationship.  The dream.  The attachment you had to it.  The life.  Over.  (we'll talk moew about this later - but it is really ok that it is over....great even....you just have to dig on you a little bit more and be cool and good to the world and those in it and you'll realize it.)

Whatever it was that happened and ended and disappointed, devastated, gutted, mystified, stupefied, or changed you... shook you to the core...unravelled you...made you doubt yourself, question your worth, and all that other complete and utter bullshit - I am here to tell you - IT DOES NOT MATTER.  It still happened.  It is still over.  And the reasons, real or imagined or completely invented - do not change the outcome.  This is our natural tendency.  But I am learning that letting that thought process go...that non-attachment (to wax all buddhist on you) is freeing.  Liberating.  Peace giving.  Powerful.  And above all else, actually the truth.  Capitalize it if you want. The TRUTH.  Haven't we all learned by now that the things other people say and do to us and about us has NOTHING to do with us?  It is all about them. 

Did you hear me? It is all about THEM.  Let it go. Free yourself or as someone wise once said "what other people say about you is none of your business." Right on!

Haven't you noticed? Oh dear me, I hope you have....but haven't you noticed that when YOU are angry, put out, upset, sad, etc with or about another person's actions or words or reactions or lack of action or words really has nothing to do with THEM, but has everything to do with the shit you are bringing to the dance?   (not talking about random horrific things that happen like criminal acts or just crazy/dickish/unrelatable people)

Yes? You realize this? Then welcome to some sort of beginning of enlightenment. Embrace it and keep evolving. It is a journey and a worthwhile one.

No?  You don't get it or are rebelling from it?  Well...think on it awhile...with an open mind...without judgment...pay attention over the coming weeks when you react with thoughts or feelings or universe forbid, words - to someone else's actions or words and I am betting you will understand what I mean.   Even when you understand, your mind will rebel with everything it's got.  But practice.  Stumble, fall, get up again...and keep practicing.  It will become way obvious. 

Love, Peace, Light.  Namaste~

Coach committed

likely to be the post no one anywhere ever reads....but I am recording here for posterity and due to commitment and such....

I have a compelling and committed life coach who seems to believe in what I want to do as much as I do - maybe more even, so.....I must start writing each day...a bit more.... not sure if I will do it here and subject any poor souls who pay attention to what might not be a finished product on any given day...but will definitely do it SOMEWHERE....and I am really pretty excited about it. 

Let's see what and how and who etc., the book develops into.

...and then just like that...with as much swiftness as it started with and just as it seemed so insurmountable and important....the healing finally took over and staked its claim and was victorious...and reality revealed the truth.  Which is...Love is still the answer. It is, I know that it is.

Just takes some of us longer to realize exactly what that might mean. And it means everything, including being true to yourself, your spirit, your dreams, your YOU-ness. 

In other words, its a real shame you opted out, but its a real stroke of luck too...as you clearly weren't ready for something real.

Being raised by wolves, as I have often stated, has its downsides.  It has taken me significantly longer to understand what love and life and peace and happiness and goodness are about.  But, I have always been drawn to those qualities and have somewhat figured out a way to structure my life in such a way that I can be as true to myself as possible. 

After a bleak couple of post-breakup and "absolutely no contact" months and with absolutely no prospects on the horizon, I can say that I am still humbled and grateful for the experience of loving the man with no middle name, but I no longer miss nor romanticize nor mourn him.  And babies, can I just tell you - THAT is truly, fucking liberating. 

I lost myself for a while.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I figure it must have a lot to do with leaving my country and everyone I love behind...coming to a foreign land in the desert in order to pursue the dream of travel and to take care of debts....weeks of jet lag....post divorce, post job change, post personal apocalypse - and somehow managed to create another apocalypse after a significant and profound loss of love. 

Clearly, there were and are still lessons I need to learn in the relationship realm before being able to safely land there.  But I find that I am learning them - and getting there and so utterly and am ongoingly grateful for these lessons.  It certainly felt like I was at the rock bottom of a well for the longest time and my friends and family grew weary and likely withdrew from me as a result of my leaving and the pathetic aftermath of the demise of the "be all, end all" relationship I believed I had found.

I went through a period shortly after thinking,  "there is no way I can be trusted to enter into a relationship again. " Right?  I mean for crying out loud, I clearly don't have any fucking clue what love is or isn't since I was so sure that this was it.  But....all beginning loves are like that in some way, aren't they? 

I think the real magic is to just find someone mutually able to take the leap with you at the same time who will work out the inevitable shit that comes up as you get closer, especially at this stage in life....and who will love you simply because they love you and will realize that this concept is bigger than the little things and will just find peace in the simple being with you.

Someone who can just BE. Come what may.

That is what I dream of anyway.  Maybe a bit fanciful.  Maybe a bit out there....but still, it rings true for me nonetheless. 

This is the dream of love I keep with me.  This is the dream of my future I hold. 

Peace, love, light and happiness to all others seeking on the journey.  May you find the love in your heart and the courage in your soul to be true to yourself and do and find what truly moves you and shapes and guides you on the deepest level.

Courage. 

a journey of healing micro-steps...

It seems like I have been on this journey for self realization and understanding and acceptance since I left the womb and am ever turning corners and finding new worlds and life and stories everywhere I go.  Learning lessons.  Falling down.  Getting back up again.  Stumbling. Feeling lost.  Finding myself again.  I suppose it is like that for everyone?  I'm not sure.  That is one of the biggest fallacies we tell ourselves, I think.  That we are different from everyone else, when in reality - we are very much the same.  Different journeys.  Different stories.  Different paths taken...but still we are very much alike and connected.  I believe the more we think ourselves into submission and decide that we are just so different than anyone else and that noone else has ever been or done or thought or felt the things we have, then we effectively isolate ourselves from the connections and love we not only seek, but need.  I don't just mean the romantic kind of love, in fact, I am not thinking of that kind at all.  I speak of the love that flows through us all and connects us.  The thing in us that is the same.  The uniting force that makes this journey so worthwhile.

These things fascinate and move me. And are bascially the fuel of existence to me.  So, I am on the almost last day of my "words cannot even describe it" yoga/spiritual/rustic life on a yoga farm in the remotest place in Portugal. To say that I am not ready to leave is the understatement of the century.  After 6 days and nights, I am filled with a new kind of gratitude and peace for the opportunity to spend time in a beautiful place with beautiful people from all walks of life.

Yoga has opened a new world for me.  I know that sounds so new agey and is so far removed from what many people think is normal or can relate to, but it is truth for me.  I started yoga 6 years ago, but cannot say that I have actually practiced real yoga.  I learned some moves from a p90X dvd.  Tony Horton is a fit dude and is motivating, but he is no yoga teacher.  Actually, my friend Jodie introduced me to a class maybe 12 or so years ago at an artsy place in West Virginia. 

Only when I came to Abu Dhabi and met my friend Neli did yoga really start to take form and make sense as a spiritual and whole healthy body and mind experience.  This is in turn, coupled with the 9 weeks of vacation that I am grateful to have, gave me the creative curiousity to find a place to go for a yoga and spiritual retreat.  My first choice was a small ashram in India. I admit that I have always been drawn to this type of experience, and I am embarrassed to say that Liz Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" may very well have had an influence on my ashram mission.  Unfortunately - or fortunately, that experience did not materialize as the small mountain village where the ashram is located went through a heat wave and drought which dried up the well that waters the people there.

Not to be deterred, I set about investigating alteratives for a yoga retreat / spiritually deepening and exploratory adventure.  I can't begin to compare what I found with what I would have experienced at the ashram since that didn't come to pass, but I can tell you I could not have found a more amazing, down to earth, and spiritually grounded group of people than I did right here in Portugal, where I sit at this very moment typing. 

THIS is where I met Peter and Sue; yoga instructors, organic farmers, macrobiotic culinary creators, and who I now call friends.  And THIS is where I have become a student and budding devotee of yoga.

How to describe where I am?  Well, it doesn't have a name and isn't on the tourist guides for places to visit in Portugal.  Most have probably never heard of this little village near the Spanish border with a population of about 10 residents plus the folks at the yoga farm.  They don't actually call it the yoga farm, but I am not sure what else to call it. It is sort of an organic farm/hostel.  The owners are yoga instructors and are genuinely beautiful people.  Charming, funny, real, kind, loving, open, generous, grounded ... just the kind of people I always imagined I would like to be around, to have endless conversations with, to learn from, to grow with, and to call friends.  Peter and Sue have built a magical and beautifully simple hidden world of healthy, chemical-free, sustainable living that along with their dedication to the practice of ashtanga-vinyasa yoga that they share with others is made complete by and with their gentle and kind spirituality.

Our morning classes are led by Peter (Pedro Loco, as the villagers call him), the tall, blonde, dreadlocked peaceful warrior-farmer who brings humor, discipline, warmth and a deep appreciation and respect for yoga and our bodies that taught me so much.  And humbled me.  And truly lit the fire of dedication for the practice within me so that I can see that yoga will be a part of my life for the long term.  The evening classes are led by the wonderfully earthy and knowledgable Sue, whose beautiful spirit and aura show us the softer and more introspective sides of ashtanga, reminding us to be good to ourselves and to honor ourselves and to respect our edge.  She has a way of personifying the "earth mother" image that connects you instantly.

They, along with the beautiful Nikita and Isabella give this place a welcoming and accepting vibe that I want to visit and experience again and again.  Nikita is 6 feet tall with long dark dreadlocks and a spirit that fills the room with love and light whenever she enters it.  She is also an instructor and devotee of ashtanga.  Isabella is a golden haired, fair skinned beauty with an open and curiously gentle spirit who carries light and stillness with her that is infinitely calming.  She is a WOOF'er, which means she is a volunteer who "Works on Organic Farms".  She gives the garden a tireless dedication and love which gives a positive energy to the food that she and the others prepare for our meals throughout the day.  I will miss their presence immensely.

Oh and let's not forget the animals!  It's quite the menagerie....from the boisterous donkey, Willow, who sounds like an exhausted piece of industrial machinery when he brays with almost eerie precision at the time to wake up, get ready for meals and for yoga practice to the black cat, Ani-Nora, with the short tail who sneaks into my room at night to snuggle and provide warm companionship with her reassuring purr, this place gives organic its meaning. Sue and Peter welcome lots of stray animals to the farm.  There is Queenie, the 4 legged beagle mix with only three working legs who was found vicious and abandoned with her puppies who has been transformed into the gentlest zen-dog that you'd ever want to meet.  The alpha dog of the group is Simba, who is a handsome, blonde terrier who apparently has friends up in the village that he sneaks away to hang out with in the evenings.  There must be a dog pub there or something.  Saleem is a loving jack russell terrier mix who was found on the beach sans owner and enjoys nothing more than a good cuddle and sleep on a cushion or in the lap of a willing soul.  The newest canine addition is Princess Fifi/Foo Foo or Flo.  She was not treated well in her last life and has found freedom and love and accepting animal and human friends at the farm.  She's sweet and a bit nervous and in need of regular assurance that her new family will be here for her, but is blossoming into a darling puppy love.  The two additional cat brothers, Blue and Hari, roam freely and happily and keep guard for all small rodents and who bring the odd lizard back as an offering.  It's ok, they're cats...not vegetarians.  Shiva and Shakti are the two marvelous goats who seem extra tall to me.  Shiva, I believe, is regularly trying to get at people for love and attention.  He nearly climbs the walls of his stall when he isn't out grazing, in order to see and be seen by people.  Fresh goat's milk is available each morning courtesy of Shakti, and is the only milk, aside from soy, that you'll find in the kitchen.  Remember, the food is all macrobiotic.  We keep ourselves quite hydrated with the fresh water from the stream and from the ample supply of teas always at the ready throughout the day.  Rounding out the whole animal package are the chickens who provide fresh eggs that are occasionally used in some of the recipes and you've got the inhabitants for the farm covered.

Honestly, I can't begin to do justice to the experience or to them through the words in this blog.  I don't know if I will ever be able to express it verbally when I recount the experience to others.  It is the type of phenomenon that you likely must truly be present for to understand.  And really, it couldn't be the place that it is without the amazing people whose dream to have an organic yoga farm retreat and whose determination to live life on their own terms away from the hustle and bustle of the city.  They live and share their lives with others in a gracious manner that can best be described as authentic, with purpose and that comes from a place of love and respect.

My new friends, the group of "students" sharing this week's journey with me are all women from various walks of life.  I will miss their company, their stories, their harmonious spirits during our yoga practices, and their faces.  Beautiful all.  I could write chapters about the unabashedly hilarious ways Rose tells a story, not to mention her fierce determination to build a fire with wet pinecones...then there's the fact that she brought emergency food with her to the retreat and her fear of flying things (moths, butterflies...you name it).   Sarah and her quiet humor that sneaks up on you and leaves you rolling,  lovely talks and teas shared along with her wonderful drawings and assertion that "anyone can draw...just train your brain".  The profound spiritual beauty with which Zahra carries herself inside and out that encompasses her faith in Islam along with an openness to the whole universe and the mystical unifying forces that are all around us. The sweetness, innocence and true kindness of Nova who studies law and is a bit of a dog whisperer.  The ridiculous (in a good way) yogic ability of her sister Abby who's zest for life (and coffee) and adventure through athletic means.  The week would not have been complete without the fantastically fun and interesting storytelling style of Leslie. 

Ladies...friends... I am honored to have spent a week with you and enriched and changed by having spent time with you.  I do hope our paths cross again. 

Suffice it to say, I leave this wonderful place transformed and humbled.  I am rejuvenated and re-energized on a level I have not yet experienced in my 44 years. I am grateful.  Really.  Above all and more than anything, I am filled utterly with gratitude. Thanks to the universe for the gift of this experience along the journey, which I am happy to report - continues... in healing micro-steps. 

Namaste.