Nourishment...

The week has passed so quickly at the yoga farm, and along with it so many thoughts, emotions, ideas, inspirations, dreams, hellos and goodbyes to process. The hellos are sweet, tentative, and energizing as you gauge who you are sharing your company with and wonder about their stories when you first meet. A blank slate of expectations is essential as rarely does anyone ever fit into the box our human minds sometimes try to put them in upon that first hello. I won't bore you with that same old, "I can't believe how lucky I am to be living the life I am living and how enriched my life is everyday by love and yoga and the energy from the people and places I encounter"....but, it is quite frankly true. The gratitude I have come to feel on a daily basis just at being alive and in love with the world pales beside the actual experience itself and a week in Amieira at the yoga farm raises the gratitude levels to interstellar. I wish you all even some fraction of the peace and love of this beautiful journey of feeling awakened, alive, raw, vulnerable, loved, supported, and wholly nourished that I have come to know simply as a day in the life here at Peter and Sue's place in the mountains of Portugal.

Nourishment is truly the apropos word that can encompass what I receive from the rigorous twice daily practice of Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga, the morning silence through breakfast, the deliciously fresh, creative and entirely natural nontoxic macrobiotic meals, the time to walk, reflect, read, nap, explore new friendships with people from around the world who have come here to have this experience, the endless and ongoing conversations that reveal the beauty in another's soul and often reveals the beauty in my own to me.

To be nourished is not simply to fill your belly...people do that every day. And unfortunately often with poisons and chemicals and non-food substances created to feed the morbidly obese and insatiable appetites of profit driven industry. A dirty business that does so little to actually provide nourishment for the bodies being served, but as usual, I digress. Nourishment first of all comes from within. The recognition of and the desire to feed oneself with what will heal us. With what is good. With what really serves us. Light. Release. Beauty. Healthy foods. Water. Breath. Life. Experience. Love. Acceptance. Safety. Evolution and self actualization on the journey.

We learn in yoga that the breath is primary and indeed it is. You can't live without the breath, yogically inclined or no. Without breath, there is no life. Take that on whatever level speaks to you. For me, it is at the core and heart of everything. It is nourishment.

If I could ask you one question right now, it would be what do you do everyday that truly nourishes you? What feeds you and fills you with energy and wonder? What inspires you? What breathes life into your soul? What gives you purpose? What attracts you? What makes your very life-force sing? I suppose, as is my usual form, that was actually several questions, but they do all interrelate do they not?

If those questions leave you unable to answer or thinking "I'm too busy for that mumbo jumbo" or scratching your head because you don't know what I mean, or maybe even compelling you to tell me to go fly a kite...then with the deepest sense of love and compassion I'd like to ask you to challenge yourself to find at least one thing a day that nourishes you and do it. In fact, I'd like to implore you to do so. For the beautiful life you have, for the lives of those around you, for the world we all share and the connecting energy that ties us all together...nourish yourself. Every day. Then give gratitude to yourself for that nourishment. Thank yourself. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Show others how to do it. Then do it a little more each day. Pretty soon, it will just become how you live and how you walk through the world. And as you walk in nourishment, you nourish others and they in turn will do the same and maybe, just maybe (yes, here's my kumbaya moment) we'll all start to appreciate each other more... That appreciation will lead us to appreciate our bodies more...our minds and souls more...our planet more...and maybe, just maybe we can care a little less about the things at don't serve us but that we think we need, and will know that the only thing that matters, the essence of it all, is love in all it's manifestations and definitions.

Love. Breath. Gratitude. The ultimate nourishment. I believe these words are as interchangeable as they are connected. I've got another week ahead at the yoga farm and hope to check back in more than once. For now, I am left with the imprints of those I had to say goodbye to last night who made my life richer for knowing them. Michelle, beautiful artist, yogi, and gentle soul... Mir, loving, healing, engaging, and kind man... Lisa, beautifully funny, quirky, ray of bubbly sunshine...Michael, German soul with great wit and contagious smile...Beth lovely, yearning and filled with wonder...Lisanne, beautiful and exotic, marvelously fearless and ironically deaf but who hears much more than many ever will, Hannah, with the lovely quiet and unassuming manner and the elegance and grace of the dancer, and the fabulously funny and Irish Georgina, an engineer and a blooming warrior spirit. I'd rather not say goodbye to any of you, so let's just say "till we meet again" or see you later. Thank you all for choosing this past week to have your yoga retreat journey. I'm honored to have shared time and space with you. Of course, I've spoken of Peter and Sue and Isabella before and I can only say that my respect, admiration and love for each of them has only been deepened (or nourished, if you will). And to those still here for either another few days or weeks, we've much left to share and learn and I am gratefully looking forward to it.

One of so many sustaining pieces of wisdom has been beautifully painted and expressed by Michelle Hill in mural form on the yoga farm.

you can't shapeshift to fit your relationships...

...and neither can I.  I had an epiphany yesterday on my walk home from a wonderful afternoon spent with my friend, Neli.  We had just shared a raw, vegan and unbelievably creative and delicious lunch and even better conversation that I was reluctant to leave. 

As can happen when you are spending time with people who happen to be deeper than the average bear, like yourself - questions come up and inevitably with me, it is always revealed that I am 44...no kids...and thrice married.  Everyone has different reactions to that knowledge...and Neli's was simply "what....could you not have sex without being married?". HA! and No.  Would that this were the case, but no.  That was never a prerequisite and shall never be. 

But as I was walking home, I continued thinking - so why DID I marry three times?  Most people after one failed marriage shy away from the next....or certainly after two, they throw in the towel.  (aside from our Hollywood types...) So......why did I choose to willingly enter a marriage on three different occasions?  Masochist?  No.  Eternal optimist? No. Deluded shapeshifter? Getting warmer....

This whole thought process reveals several distinct truths for me.  One, I had no idea what marriage was or was supposed to be.  Two, I came from that broken place I have written about in the past and need not reiterate here - but because of that, I wanted desperately to build my own family to make up for what I never had....and I thought that getting  married would somehow make me whole.  Normal.  Like everybody else.  Functional.  And that it would of course, bring me ultimate happiness.  Ohhhh boy.... you can see where this might be going, eh?

So back to the epiphany I had yesterday...First, duh - I'm not normal.  Thank the universe!!  And great jumping jelly beans - I am already whole!!! The trick was in just having to figure that out for myself.   Only took about 44 years and some change...maybe a little less, but I am still in need of reminders at this point.  My most recent foray in to relationship bliss reminded me of that as well. 

So, the cool thing about this humbling yet empowering revelation is that I can let go of the self-defeating stigma I have been giving myself from "failing" at these marriages and can recognize that significant growth has occurred and each of these changing of name experiences has served to bring me to the very confident (finally) and peaceful state of mind and being that tells me that I am ready for what is next.  Whatever, and whoever and wherever that may be. 

There will be no shapeshifting to fit into someone else's life and I certainly don't want anyone shapeshifting to fit into mine.  When it happens, he will dig me for me with all my faults and idiosyncrasies...he will teach me things and learn from me.  We'll allow each other to be our best versions of ourselves and challenge each other.  I may be 50...even 60 when I meet him, (or realize I already know him) but I look forward to it.  I feel a peaceful and comfortable smile shining from within. 

With him (whoever he is) or without him, I am whole.  I am happy.  I am me.  I am completely and utterly in love with the world. 

And if anyone reading has any doubts of any kind whatosoever....You Are Whole Too.  Don't be afraid to believe it.  To defend it.  To share it.  And to let it comfort you whenever you feel a little lost. We must, MUST love ourselves first and entirely and unconditionally before we can give that sort of love to another.  It isn't selfish.  It is healing.  It is how we can be our best for those that we love....by loving ourselves first. 

Love and light to all~

the power of words...and needing to write them is a kind of bondage...

today....I have no power in my words as I am struggling to find them. 

Ever since committing to write everyday, well - I have not necessarily gone the creative route I most enjoy. So, as I struggle through this period, the blogs might get REAL boring.  I will alert the media and all relevant outlets should I write something of possible merit that feels like something someone might actually like to read. 

and if you are reading this - please accept my humblest apologies.  I am a work in progress as is my writing... but you might just enjoy some of it...

Today is the anniversary, 15th, of the drowning death of Jeff Buckley - one of the most amazing talents ever to grace the planet.  And my personal favorite.  I mean, like  - COMPLETE favorite.  No rivals. 
I suppose they don't know if it was accidental or "on purpose", but it doesn't matter as the end result is the same. 

Kind of like a break up...or other loss in life.  We always want to know the reason.  Sometimes we even demand it.  But why?  The reason doesn't change the outcome.  It only serves our arsenal of demons.  If we have a reason, then we will attach some value or blame or imagined malice or wrong to it.  When the reality of it is, someone opted out.  And you know what?  That is their right, their choice and their duty to themselves if they are being true to themselves and what is real for them.   We don't happen to like it because we weren't ready for them to opt out.  And it doesn't serve us.  We want a reason.  If we get a reason, then we can assign blame - or find a way to label ourselves a victim.  Then we become so fully enmeshed in our drama and story that we want to share and recount to everyone.

....and of course our friends LOVE to hear this self serving drivel....(wonder why they suddenly aren't around anymore???)

 And after all of this and all of that, the end result is still the same.  It's still over.  The relationship.  The dream.  The attachment you had to it.  The life.  Over.  (we'll talk moew about this later - but it is really ok that it is over....great even....you just have to dig on you a little bit more and be cool and good to the world and those in it and you'll realize it.)

Whatever it was that happened and ended and disappointed, devastated, gutted, mystified, stupefied, or changed you... shook you to the core...unravelled you...made you doubt yourself, question your worth, and all that other complete and utter bullshit - I am here to tell you - IT DOES NOT MATTER.  It still happened.  It is still over.  And the reasons, real or imagined or completely invented - do not change the outcome.  This is our natural tendency.  But I am learning that letting that thought process go...that non-attachment (to wax all buddhist on you) is freeing.  Liberating.  Peace giving.  Powerful.  And above all else, actually the truth.  Capitalize it if you want. The TRUTH.  Haven't we all learned by now that the things other people say and do to us and about us has NOTHING to do with us?  It is all about them. 

Did you hear me? It is all about THEM.  Let it go. Free yourself or as someone wise once said "what other people say about you is none of your business." Right on!

Haven't you noticed? Oh dear me, I hope you have....but haven't you noticed that when YOU are angry, put out, upset, sad, etc with or about another person's actions or words or reactions or lack of action or words really has nothing to do with THEM, but has everything to do with the shit you are bringing to the dance?   (not talking about random horrific things that happen like criminal acts or just crazy/dickish/unrelatable people)

Yes? You realize this? Then welcome to some sort of beginning of enlightenment. Embrace it and keep evolving. It is a journey and a worthwhile one.

No?  You don't get it or are rebelling from it?  Well...think on it awhile...with an open mind...without judgment...pay attention over the coming weeks when you react with thoughts or feelings or universe forbid, words - to someone else's actions or words and I am betting you will understand what I mean.   Even when you understand, your mind will rebel with everything it's got.  But practice.  Stumble, fall, get up again...and keep practicing.  It will become way obvious. 

Love, Peace, Light.  Namaste~

Coach committed

likely to be the post no one anywhere ever reads....but I am recording here for posterity and due to commitment and such....

I have a compelling and committed life coach who seems to believe in what I want to do as much as I do - maybe more even, so.....I must start writing each day...a bit more.... not sure if I will do it here and subject any poor souls who pay attention to what might not be a finished product on any given day...but will definitely do it SOMEWHERE....and I am really pretty excited about it. 

Let's see what and how and who etc., the book develops into.

...and then just like that...with as much swiftness as it started with and just as it seemed so insurmountable and important....the healing finally took over and staked its claim and was victorious...and reality revealed the truth.  Which is...Love is still the answer. It is, I know that it is.

Just takes some of us longer to realize exactly what that might mean. And it means everything, including being true to yourself, your spirit, your dreams, your YOU-ness. 

In other words, its a real shame you opted out, but its a real stroke of luck too...as you clearly weren't ready for something real.

Being raised by wolves, as I have often stated, has its downsides.  It has taken me significantly longer to understand what love and life and peace and happiness and goodness are about.  But, I have always been drawn to those qualities and have somewhat figured out a way to structure my life in such a way that I can be as true to myself as possible. 

After a bleak couple of post-breakup and "absolutely no contact" months and with absolutely no prospects on the horizon, I can say that I am still humbled and grateful for the experience of loving the man with no middle name, but I no longer miss nor romanticize nor mourn him.  And babies, can I just tell you - THAT is truly, fucking liberating. 

I lost myself for a while.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I figure it must have a lot to do with leaving my country and everyone I love behind...coming to a foreign land in the desert in order to pursue the dream of travel and to take care of debts....weeks of jet lag....post divorce, post job change, post personal apocalypse - and somehow managed to create another apocalypse after a significant and profound loss of love. 

Clearly, there were and are still lessons I need to learn in the relationship realm before being able to safely land there.  But I find that I am learning them - and getting there and so utterly and am ongoingly grateful for these lessons.  It certainly felt like I was at the rock bottom of a well for the longest time and my friends and family grew weary and likely withdrew from me as a result of my leaving and the pathetic aftermath of the demise of the "be all, end all" relationship I believed I had found.

I went through a period shortly after thinking,  "there is no way I can be trusted to enter into a relationship again. " Right?  I mean for crying out loud, I clearly don't have any fucking clue what love is or isn't since I was so sure that this was it.  But....all beginning loves are like that in some way, aren't they? 

I think the real magic is to just find someone mutually able to take the leap with you at the same time who will work out the inevitable shit that comes up as you get closer, especially at this stage in life....and who will love you simply because they love you and will realize that this concept is bigger than the little things and will just find peace in the simple being with you.

Someone who can just BE. Come what may.

That is what I dream of anyway.  Maybe a bit fanciful.  Maybe a bit out there....but still, it rings true for me nonetheless. 

This is the dream of love I keep with me.  This is the dream of my future I hold. 

Peace, love, light and happiness to all others seeking on the journey.  May you find the love in your heart and the courage in your soul to be true to yourself and do and find what truly moves you and shapes and guides you on the deepest level.

Courage. 

a journey of healing micro-steps...

It seems like I have been on this journey for self realization and understanding and acceptance since I left the womb and am ever turning corners and finding new worlds and life and stories everywhere I go.  Learning lessons.  Falling down.  Getting back up again.  Stumbling. Feeling lost.  Finding myself again.  I suppose it is like that for everyone?  I'm not sure.  That is one of the biggest fallacies we tell ourselves, I think.  That we are different from everyone else, when in reality - we are very much the same.  Different journeys.  Different stories.  Different paths taken...but still we are very much alike and connected.  I believe the more we think ourselves into submission and decide that we are just so different than anyone else and that noone else has ever been or done or thought or felt the things we have, then we effectively isolate ourselves from the connections and love we not only seek, but need.  I don't just mean the romantic kind of love, in fact, I am not thinking of that kind at all.  I speak of the love that flows through us all and connects us.  The thing in us that is the same.  The uniting force that makes this journey so worthwhile.

These things fascinate and move me. And are bascially the fuel of existence to me.  So, I am on the almost last day of my "words cannot even describe it" yoga/spiritual/rustic life on a yoga farm in the remotest place in Portugal. To say that I am not ready to leave is the understatement of the century.  After 6 days and nights, I am filled with a new kind of gratitude and peace for the opportunity to spend time in a beautiful place with beautiful people from all walks of life.

Yoga has opened a new world for me.  I know that sounds so new agey and is so far removed from what many people think is normal or can relate to, but it is truth for me.  I started yoga 6 years ago, but cannot say that I have actually practiced real yoga.  I learned some moves from a p90X dvd.  Tony Horton is a fit dude and is motivating, but he is no yoga teacher.  Actually, my friend Jodie introduced me to a class maybe 12 or so years ago at an artsy place in West Virginia. 

Only when I came to Abu Dhabi and met my friend Neli did yoga really start to take form and make sense as a spiritual and whole healthy body and mind experience.  This is in turn, coupled with the 9 weeks of vacation that I am grateful to have, gave me the creative curiousity to find a place to go for a yoga and spiritual retreat.  My first choice was a small ashram in India. I admit that I have always been drawn to this type of experience, and I am embarrassed to say that Liz Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" may very well have had an influence on my ashram mission.  Unfortunately - or fortunately, that experience did not materialize as the small mountain village where the ashram is located went through a heat wave and drought which dried up the well that waters the people there.

Not to be deterred, I set about investigating alteratives for a yoga retreat / spiritually deepening and exploratory adventure.  I can't begin to compare what I found with what I would have experienced at the ashram since that didn't come to pass, but I can tell you I could not have found a more amazing, down to earth, and spiritually grounded group of people than I did right here in Portugal, where I sit at this very moment typing. 

THIS is where I met Peter and Sue; yoga instructors, organic farmers, macrobiotic culinary creators, and who I now call friends.  And THIS is where I have become a student and budding devotee of yoga.

How to describe where I am?  Well, it doesn't have a name and isn't on the tourist guides for places to visit in Portugal.  Most have probably never heard of this little village near the Spanish border with a population of about 10 residents plus the folks at the yoga farm.  They don't actually call it the yoga farm, but I am not sure what else to call it. It is sort of an organic farm/hostel.  The owners are yoga instructors and are genuinely beautiful people.  Charming, funny, real, kind, loving, open, generous, grounded ... just the kind of people I always imagined I would like to be around, to have endless conversations with, to learn from, to grow with, and to call friends.  Peter and Sue have built a magical and beautifully simple hidden world of healthy, chemical-free, sustainable living that along with their dedication to the practice of ashtanga-vinyasa yoga that they share with others is made complete by and with their gentle and kind spirituality.

Our morning classes are led by Peter (Pedro Loco, as the villagers call him), the tall, blonde, dreadlocked peaceful warrior-farmer who brings humor, discipline, warmth and a deep appreciation and respect for yoga and our bodies that taught me so much.  And humbled me.  And truly lit the fire of dedication for the practice within me so that I can see that yoga will be a part of my life for the long term.  The evening classes are led by the wonderfully earthy and knowledgable Sue, whose beautiful spirit and aura show us the softer and more introspective sides of ashtanga, reminding us to be good to ourselves and to honor ourselves and to respect our edge.  She has a way of personifying the "earth mother" image that connects you instantly.

They, along with the beautiful Nikita and Isabella give this place a welcoming and accepting vibe that I want to visit and experience again and again.  Nikita is 6 feet tall with long dark dreadlocks and a spirit that fills the room with love and light whenever she enters it.  She is also an instructor and devotee of ashtanga.  Isabella is a golden haired, fair skinned beauty with an open and curiously gentle spirit who carries light and stillness with her that is infinitely calming.  She is a WOOF'er, which means she is a volunteer who "Works on Organic Farms".  She gives the garden a tireless dedication and love which gives a positive energy to the food that she and the others prepare for our meals throughout the day.  I will miss their presence immensely.

Oh and let's not forget the animals!  It's quite the menagerie....from the boisterous donkey, Willow, who sounds like an exhausted piece of industrial machinery when he brays with almost eerie precision at the time to wake up, get ready for meals and for yoga practice to the black cat, Ani-Nora, with the short tail who sneaks into my room at night to snuggle and provide warm companionship with her reassuring purr, this place gives organic its meaning. Sue and Peter welcome lots of stray animals to the farm.  There is Queenie, the 4 legged beagle mix with only three working legs who was found vicious and abandoned with her puppies who has been transformed into the gentlest zen-dog that you'd ever want to meet.  The alpha dog of the group is Simba, who is a handsome, blonde terrier who apparently has friends up in the village that he sneaks away to hang out with in the evenings.  There must be a dog pub there or something.  Saleem is a loving jack russell terrier mix who was found on the beach sans owner and enjoys nothing more than a good cuddle and sleep on a cushion or in the lap of a willing soul.  The newest canine addition is Princess Fifi/Foo Foo or Flo.  She was not treated well in her last life and has found freedom and love and accepting animal and human friends at the farm.  She's sweet and a bit nervous and in need of regular assurance that her new family will be here for her, but is blossoming into a darling puppy love.  The two additional cat brothers, Blue and Hari, roam freely and happily and keep guard for all small rodents and who bring the odd lizard back as an offering.  It's ok, they're cats...not vegetarians.  Shiva and Shakti are the two marvelous goats who seem extra tall to me.  Shiva, I believe, is regularly trying to get at people for love and attention.  He nearly climbs the walls of his stall when he isn't out grazing, in order to see and be seen by people.  Fresh goat's milk is available each morning courtesy of Shakti, and is the only milk, aside from soy, that you'll find in the kitchen.  Remember, the food is all macrobiotic.  We keep ourselves quite hydrated with the fresh water from the stream and from the ample supply of teas always at the ready throughout the day.  Rounding out the whole animal package are the chickens who provide fresh eggs that are occasionally used in some of the recipes and you've got the inhabitants for the farm covered.

Honestly, I can't begin to do justice to the experience or to them through the words in this blog.  I don't know if I will ever be able to express it verbally when I recount the experience to others.  It is the type of phenomenon that you likely must truly be present for to understand.  And really, it couldn't be the place that it is without the amazing people whose dream to have an organic yoga farm retreat and whose determination to live life on their own terms away from the hustle and bustle of the city.  They live and share their lives with others in a gracious manner that can best be described as authentic, with purpose and that comes from a place of love and respect.

My new friends, the group of "students" sharing this week's journey with me are all women from various walks of life.  I will miss their company, their stories, their harmonious spirits during our yoga practices, and their faces.  Beautiful all.  I could write chapters about the unabashedly hilarious ways Rose tells a story, not to mention her fierce determination to build a fire with wet pinecones...then there's the fact that she brought emergency food with her to the retreat and her fear of flying things (moths, butterflies...you name it).   Sarah and her quiet humor that sneaks up on you and leaves you rolling,  lovely talks and teas shared along with her wonderful drawings and assertion that "anyone can draw...just train your brain".  The profound spiritual beauty with which Zahra carries herself inside and out that encompasses her faith in Islam along with an openness to the whole universe and the mystical unifying forces that are all around us. The sweetness, innocence and true kindness of Nova who studies law and is a bit of a dog whisperer.  The ridiculous (in a good way) yogic ability of her sister Abby who's zest for life (and coffee) and adventure through athletic means.  The week would not have been complete without the fantastically fun and interesting storytelling style of Leslie. 

Ladies...friends... I am honored to have spent a week with you and enriched and changed by having spent time with you.  I do hope our paths cross again. 

Suffice it to say, I leave this wonderful place transformed and humbled.  I am rejuvenated and re-energized on a level I have not yet experienced in my 44 years. I am grateful.  Really.  Above all and more than anything, I am filled utterly with gratitude. Thanks to the universe for the gift of this experience along the journey, which I am happy to report - continues... in healing micro-steps. 

Namaste.

dreams, cosmic phenomenons, and gratitude...it's not for the weak.

...for those who have asked, and to those who have wondered....yes.  I do still believe in love.  Love is my religion, if I were to have a religion, which I do not.  But I believe in love above all else and know love in some form is always the answer to anything. (No, not romantic love, but universal love.)  I find that reason and the ability to exercise self-restraint are also quite helpful....

In spite of my lingering belief in the magic of Cupid, I find that I do not have the constitution for it, and as such shall refrain from such endeavors and journeys in the future.  I was fortunate to finally find it and though my time on the ride was far too short, it filled me with enough wonder and magic and peace to last me this lifetime.  And that peace is what I sit with now.  No clinging to hope.  No reaching for what if's. No demands for explanations (at least not after the first week). No bargaining.  No ridiculous desires to explain away my imagined shortcomings.  Just sitting with the peace of the love that was mine, that was ours, and is now just mine.  (...remember, remember the 6th of November...this IS what love feels like. I'll never forget and you did change my life. )

I am SO grateful for the lesson and to finally know. Thank you, Universe and thank you my beautiful, spartan, and exceptionally deep and intellectual-science-nerd-Marine-Love.  Love IS a Cosmic Phenomenon indeed.

I met my match and my love and it was perfect for us both until he withdrew and I tried to make his withdrawal about me. Or maybe it was when I took a job in another country (not forever, but still).  Or when I feared he wanted to marry me (unfounded) and my subsequent remembrance of how not so good at that I am.  Or when in conversation, I was working out my personal disappointment at falling off the non-judgmental wagon and maybe all he heard was the judgment.  it's funny how our minds try to invent reasons to make sense of things.  Best to clear the mind and not think in this case.  In an alternate world, or in a more evolved time, or just different circumstances, perhaps we would have talked it over and sought solace in each others' souls - but we did not.  We retreated. We withdrew. And we lost each other. And now, here we aren't.

At the end of the day, none of the reasons matter.  As always, the constant theme of my writing and belief system is CHOICE.  We should be together because we want to be together. We should strive to understand each other and make each other better if we want to do so.  We should listen to our own hearts and make the decision that we know is right for ourselves and be true to that.  And if one of us decides that being together doesn't work for them anymore, then he or she should choose to follow that inner guidance. Too many people stay in relationships or jobs or places they don't really want to be out of fear of change or making a choice for themselves. Life is too short for that and in the end, it is a disservice to all.

To my friends who have been supportive of me, yet angry at him for this perceived transgression, please know that there was no wrong doing at all.  I love you all and appreciate your support and your words of encouragement, and I suppose it is natural to place anger and blame on him for hurting me or for ending it. You're my friends, and you want to protect me and blame him.  But know this...he didn't hurt me. He didn't wrong me. He loved me. And then he either stopped loving me or he found someone else or he decided for his own reasons that I wasn't for him or that he just couldn't be in the relationship or any other reason I will never know. 

None of these reasons are wrong.  None of these things are bad.  They are choices.  And they are his.  My choice was to go "all in" to the relationship with him because that is where my heart took me.  I was afraid but I took a risk.  And so did he.  And I am glad we did.  I am a better person for knowing him.  Regret tells me I wish I knew him more and that he knew me more, but regret is a choice too.  Regret serves no purpose.  And the anger may certainly feel justified, but in the end again - I see and feel no point in begrudging someone's choice to do what is right for them. 

Some of you, my friends, have even remarked on how grown up and well adjusted I seem with this particular take on things.  Please put THAT piece of admiration to rest!!  I am just as fucked up as anybody else.  And I WAS angry.  And I DID hurt.  I still do. I will for a long time.  There's a place in me that was empty until we loved, and that place will remain unfilled again, but with the certain memory of its existence.  I can live with that.  You see, I do feel quite lucky.

I juggled severe jet lag along with this heartbreak which did not serve me well in the end and maybe compromised my judgment during this grieving process.  Again, second guessing serves no purpose either.  It IS all about grief, you know?  Grief is grief.  A person doesn't have to die for that to be so.  The death of a dream of love can be as anguishing as the death of a person.  And I have vascillated back and forth through all the obligatory stages until I have become numb. I jetted right through shock and denial to anger and bargaining and have landed fairly squarely on acceptance.  My practice on self discovery and personal healing has very much helped me accelerate the acceptance process.  I can get just as mad and frustrated and confused and discombobulated as the next person, but I tend not to dwell there.  And above all, I really do have the most profound respect for the feelings and boundaries of others as well as their choices and I am at peace with the knowledge that I am only responsible for my own choices and my own feelings.  I cannot and do not wish to control anyone else's feelings or life and do not want anyone compromising themselves for mine. Life is to be lived.  Not put on hold.

So where am I now? I am back to where I began.  Madly in love with the world. Fascinated by people and what makes them tick. Hungry for adventure and experience.  Not afraid of risks.  At peace with myself and grateful for the experience.  I can't and I won't wallow in what might have been.  I'm endlessly thankful for what was and for being a part of it.  I've been in love maybe dozens of times, as anyone who knows me or who reads my schtuff knows....that naturally happens when you are open to the possibility.  But now...Now I have known Love.  And that, my friends is enough. 

Peace, love and happiness, babies! You only get one shot at this ride called life - make it matter!