...and then just like that...with as much swiftness as it started with and just as it seemed so insurmountable and important....the healing finally took over and staked its claim and was victorious...and reality revealed the truth.  Which is...Love is still the answer. It is, I know that it is.

Just takes some of us longer to realize exactly what that might mean. And it means everything, including being true to yourself, your spirit, your dreams, your YOU-ness. 

In other words, its a real shame you opted out, but its a real stroke of luck too...as you clearly weren't ready for something real.

Being raised by wolves, as I have often stated, has its downsides.  It has taken me significantly longer to understand what love and life and peace and happiness and goodness are about.  But, I have always been drawn to those qualities and have somewhat figured out a way to structure my life in such a way that I can be as true to myself as possible. 

After a bleak couple of post-breakup and "absolutely no contact" months and with absolutely no prospects on the horizon, I can say that I am still humbled and grateful for the experience of loving the man with no middle name, but I no longer miss nor romanticize nor mourn him.  And babies, can I just tell you - THAT is truly, fucking liberating. 

I lost myself for a while.  I'm not entirely sure why, but I figure it must have a lot to do with leaving my country and everyone I love behind...coming to a foreign land in the desert in order to pursue the dream of travel and to take care of debts....weeks of jet lag....post divorce, post job change, post personal apocalypse - and somehow managed to create another apocalypse after a significant and profound loss of love. 

Clearly, there were and are still lessons I need to learn in the relationship realm before being able to safely land there.  But I find that I am learning them - and getting there and so utterly and am ongoingly grateful for these lessons.  It certainly felt like I was at the rock bottom of a well for the longest time and my friends and family grew weary and likely withdrew from me as a result of my leaving and the pathetic aftermath of the demise of the "be all, end all" relationship I believed I had found.

I went through a period shortly after thinking,  "there is no way I can be trusted to enter into a relationship again. " Right?  I mean for crying out loud, I clearly don't have any fucking clue what love is or isn't since I was so sure that this was it.  But....all beginning loves are like that in some way, aren't they? 

I think the real magic is to just find someone mutually able to take the leap with you at the same time who will work out the inevitable shit that comes up as you get closer, especially at this stage in life....and who will love you simply because they love you and will realize that this concept is bigger than the little things and will just find peace in the simple being with you.

Someone who can just BE. Come what may.

That is what I dream of anyway.  Maybe a bit fanciful.  Maybe a bit out there....but still, it rings true for me nonetheless. 

This is the dream of love I keep with me.  This is the dream of my future I hold. 

Peace, love, light and happiness to all others seeking on the journey.  May you find the love in your heart and the courage in your soul to be true to yourself and do and find what truly moves you and shapes and guides you on the deepest level.

Courage. 

a journey of healing micro-steps...

It seems like I have been on this journey for self realization and understanding and acceptance since I left the womb and am ever turning corners and finding new worlds and life and stories everywhere I go.  Learning lessons.  Falling down.  Getting back up again.  Stumbling. Feeling lost.  Finding myself again.  I suppose it is like that for everyone?  I'm not sure.  That is one of the biggest fallacies we tell ourselves, I think.  That we are different from everyone else, when in reality - we are very much the same.  Different journeys.  Different stories.  Different paths taken...but still we are very much alike and connected.  I believe the more we think ourselves into submission and decide that we are just so different than anyone else and that noone else has ever been or done or thought or felt the things we have, then we effectively isolate ourselves from the connections and love we not only seek, but need.  I don't just mean the romantic kind of love, in fact, I am not thinking of that kind at all.  I speak of the love that flows through us all and connects us.  The thing in us that is the same.  The uniting force that makes this journey so worthwhile.

These things fascinate and move me. And are bascially the fuel of existence to me.  So, I am on the almost last day of my "words cannot even describe it" yoga/spiritual/rustic life on a yoga farm in the remotest place in Portugal. To say that I am not ready to leave is the understatement of the century.  After 6 days and nights, I am filled with a new kind of gratitude and peace for the opportunity to spend time in a beautiful place with beautiful people from all walks of life.

Yoga has opened a new world for me.  I know that sounds so new agey and is so far removed from what many people think is normal or can relate to, but it is truth for me.  I started yoga 6 years ago, but cannot say that I have actually practiced real yoga.  I learned some moves from a p90X dvd.  Tony Horton is a fit dude and is motivating, but he is no yoga teacher.  Actually, my friend Jodie introduced me to a class maybe 12 or so years ago at an artsy place in West Virginia. 

Only when I came to Abu Dhabi and met my friend Neli did yoga really start to take form and make sense as a spiritual and whole healthy body and mind experience.  This is in turn, coupled with the 9 weeks of vacation that I am grateful to have, gave me the creative curiousity to find a place to go for a yoga and spiritual retreat.  My first choice was a small ashram in India. I admit that I have always been drawn to this type of experience, and I am embarrassed to say that Liz Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" may very well have had an influence on my ashram mission.  Unfortunately - or fortunately, that experience did not materialize as the small mountain village where the ashram is located went through a heat wave and drought which dried up the well that waters the people there.

Not to be deterred, I set about investigating alteratives for a yoga retreat / spiritually deepening and exploratory adventure.  I can't begin to compare what I found with what I would have experienced at the ashram since that didn't come to pass, but I can tell you I could not have found a more amazing, down to earth, and spiritually grounded group of people than I did right here in Portugal, where I sit at this very moment typing. 

THIS is where I met Peter and Sue; yoga instructors, organic farmers, macrobiotic culinary creators, and who I now call friends.  And THIS is where I have become a student and budding devotee of yoga.

How to describe where I am?  Well, it doesn't have a name and isn't on the tourist guides for places to visit in Portugal.  Most have probably never heard of this little village near the Spanish border with a population of about 10 residents plus the folks at the yoga farm.  They don't actually call it the yoga farm, but I am not sure what else to call it. It is sort of an organic farm/hostel.  The owners are yoga instructors and are genuinely beautiful people.  Charming, funny, real, kind, loving, open, generous, grounded ... just the kind of people I always imagined I would like to be around, to have endless conversations with, to learn from, to grow with, and to call friends.  Peter and Sue have built a magical and beautifully simple hidden world of healthy, chemical-free, sustainable living that along with their dedication to the practice of ashtanga-vinyasa yoga that they share with others is made complete by and with their gentle and kind spirituality.

Our morning classes are led by Peter (Pedro Loco, as the villagers call him), the tall, blonde, dreadlocked peaceful warrior-farmer who brings humor, discipline, warmth and a deep appreciation and respect for yoga and our bodies that taught me so much.  And humbled me.  And truly lit the fire of dedication for the practice within me so that I can see that yoga will be a part of my life for the long term.  The evening classes are led by the wonderfully earthy and knowledgable Sue, whose beautiful spirit and aura show us the softer and more introspective sides of ashtanga, reminding us to be good to ourselves and to honor ourselves and to respect our edge.  She has a way of personifying the "earth mother" image that connects you instantly.

They, along with the beautiful Nikita and Isabella give this place a welcoming and accepting vibe that I want to visit and experience again and again.  Nikita is 6 feet tall with long dark dreadlocks and a spirit that fills the room with love and light whenever she enters it.  She is also an instructor and devotee of ashtanga.  Isabella is a golden haired, fair skinned beauty with an open and curiously gentle spirit who carries light and stillness with her that is infinitely calming.  She is a WOOF'er, which means she is a volunteer who "Works on Organic Farms".  She gives the garden a tireless dedication and love which gives a positive energy to the food that she and the others prepare for our meals throughout the day.  I will miss their presence immensely.

Oh and let's not forget the animals!  It's quite the menagerie....from the boisterous donkey, Willow, who sounds like an exhausted piece of industrial machinery when he brays with almost eerie precision at the time to wake up, get ready for meals and for yoga practice to the black cat, Ani-Nora, with the short tail who sneaks into my room at night to snuggle and provide warm companionship with her reassuring purr, this place gives organic its meaning. Sue and Peter welcome lots of stray animals to the farm.  There is Queenie, the 4 legged beagle mix with only three working legs who was found vicious and abandoned with her puppies who has been transformed into the gentlest zen-dog that you'd ever want to meet.  The alpha dog of the group is Simba, who is a handsome, blonde terrier who apparently has friends up in the village that he sneaks away to hang out with in the evenings.  There must be a dog pub there or something.  Saleem is a loving jack russell terrier mix who was found on the beach sans owner and enjoys nothing more than a good cuddle and sleep on a cushion or in the lap of a willing soul.  The newest canine addition is Princess Fifi/Foo Foo or Flo.  She was not treated well in her last life and has found freedom and love and accepting animal and human friends at the farm.  She's sweet and a bit nervous and in need of regular assurance that her new family will be here for her, but is blossoming into a darling puppy love.  The two additional cat brothers, Blue and Hari, roam freely and happily and keep guard for all small rodents and who bring the odd lizard back as an offering.  It's ok, they're cats...not vegetarians.  Shiva and Shakti are the two marvelous goats who seem extra tall to me.  Shiva, I believe, is regularly trying to get at people for love and attention.  He nearly climbs the walls of his stall when he isn't out grazing, in order to see and be seen by people.  Fresh goat's milk is available each morning courtesy of Shakti, and is the only milk, aside from soy, that you'll find in the kitchen.  Remember, the food is all macrobiotic.  We keep ourselves quite hydrated with the fresh water from the stream and from the ample supply of teas always at the ready throughout the day.  Rounding out the whole animal package are the chickens who provide fresh eggs that are occasionally used in some of the recipes and you've got the inhabitants for the farm covered.

Honestly, I can't begin to do justice to the experience or to them through the words in this blog.  I don't know if I will ever be able to express it verbally when I recount the experience to others.  It is the type of phenomenon that you likely must truly be present for to understand.  And really, it couldn't be the place that it is without the amazing people whose dream to have an organic yoga farm retreat and whose determination to live life on their own terms away from the hustle and bustle of the city.  They live and share their lives with others in a gracious manner that can best be described as authentic, with purpose and that comes from a place of love and respect.

My new friends, the group of "students" sharing this week's journey with me are all women from various walks of life.  I will miss their company, their stories, their harmonious spirits during our yoga practices, and their faces.  Beautiful all.  I could write chapters about the unabashedly hilarious ways Rose tells a story, not to mention her fierce determination to build a fire with wet pinecones...then there's the fact that she brought emergency food with her to the retreat and her fear of flying things (moths, butterflies...you name it).   Sarah and her quiet humor that sneaks up on you and leaves you rolling,  lovely talks and teas shared along with her wonderful drawings and assertion that "anyone can draw...just train your brain".  The profound spiritual beauty with which Zahra carries herself inside and out that encompasses her faith in Islam along with an openness to the whole universe and the mystical unifying forces that are all around us. The sweetness, innocence and true kindness of Nova who studies law and is a bit of a dog whisperer.  The ridiculous (in a good way) yogic ability of her sister Abby who's zest for life (and coffee) and adventure through athletic means.  The week would not have been complete without the fantastically fun and interesting storytelling style of Leslie. 

Ladies...friends... I am honored to have spent a week with you and enriched and changed by having spent time with you.  I do hope our paths cross again. 

Suffice it to say, I leave this wonderful place transformed and humbled.  I am rejuvenated and re-energized on a level I have not yet experienced in my 44 years. I am grateful.  Really.  Above all and more than anything, I am filled utterly with gratitude. Thanks to the universe for the gift of this experience along the journey, which I am happy to report - continues... in healing micro-steps. 

Namaste.

dreams, cosmic phenomenons, and gratitude...it's not for the weak.

...for those who have asked, and to those who have wondered....yes.  I do still believe in love.  Love is my religion, if I were to have a religion, which I do not.  But I believe in love above all else and know love in some form is always the answer to anything. (No, not romantic love, but universal love.)  I find that reason and the ability to exercise self-restraint are also quite helpful....

In spite of my lingering belief in the magic of Cupid, I find that I do not have the constitution for it, and as such shall refrain from such endeavors and journeys in the future.  I was fortunate to finally find it and though my time on the ride was far too short, it filled me with enough wonder and magic and peace to last me this lifetime.  And that peace is what I sit with now.  No clinging to hope.  No reaching for what if's. No demands for explanations (at least not after the first week). No bargaining.  No ridiculous desires to explain away my imagined shortcomings.  Just sitting with the peace of the love that was mine, that was ours, and is now just mine.  (...remember, remember the 6th of November...this IS what love feels like. I'll never forget and you did change my life. )

I am SO grateful for the lesson and to finally know. Thank you, Universe and thank you my beautiful, spartan, and exceptionally deep and intellectual-science-nerd-Marine-Love.  Love IS a Cosmic Phenomenon indeed.

I met my match and my love and it was perfect for us both until he withdrew and I tried to make his withdrawal about me. Or maybe it was when I took a job in another country (not forever, but still).  Or when I feared he wanted to marry me (unfounded) and my subsequent remembrance of how not so good at that I am.  Or when in conversation, I was working out my personal disappointment at falling off the non-judgmental wagon and maybe all he heard was the judgment.  it's funny how our minds try to invent reasons to make sense of things.  Best to clear the mind and not think in this case.  In an alternate world, or in a more evolved time, or just different circumstances, perhaps we would have talked it over and sought solace in each others' souls - but we did not.  We retreated. We withdrew. And we lost each other. And now, here we aren't.

At the end of the day, none of the reasons matter.  As always, the constant theme of my writing and belief system is CHOICE.  We should be together because we want to be together. We should strive to understand each other and make each other better if we want to do so.  We should listen to our own hearts and make the decision that we know is right for ourselves and be true to that.  And if one of us decides that being together doesn't work for them anymore, then he or she should choose to follow that inner guidance. Too many people stay in relationships or jobs or places they don't really want to be out of fear of change or making a choice for themselves. Life is too short for that and in the end, it is a disservice to all.

To my friends who have been supportive of me, yet angry at him for this perceived transgression, please know that there was no wrong doing at all.  I love you all and appreciate your support and your words of encouragement, and I suppose it is natural to place anger and blame on him for hurting me or for ending it. You're my friends, and you want to protect me and blame him.  But know this...he didn't hurt me. He didn't wrong me. He loved me. And then he either stopped loving me or he found someone else or he decided for his own reasons that I wasn't for him or that he just couldn't be in the relationship or any other reason I will never know. 

None of these reasons are wrong.  None of these things are bad.  They are choices.  And they are his.  My choice was to go "all in" to the relationship with him because that is where my heart took me.  I was afraid but I took a risk.  And so did he.  And I am glad we did.  I am a better person for knowing him.  Regret tells me I wish I knew him more and that he knew me more, but regret is a choice too.  Regret serves no purpose.  And the anger may certainly feel justified, but in the end again - I see and feel no point in begrudging someone's choice to do what is right for them. 

Some of you, my friends, have even remarked on how grown up and well adjusted I seem with this particular take on things.  Please put THAT piece of admiration to rest!!  I am just as fucked up as anybody else.  And I WAS angry.  And I DID hurt.  I still do. I will for a long time.  There's a place in me that was empty until we loved, and that place will remain unfilled again, but with the certain memory of its existence.  I can live with that.  You see, I do feel quite lucky.

I juggled severe jet lag along with this heartbreak which did not serve me well in the end and maybe compromised my judgment during this grieving process.  Again, second guessing serves no purpose either.  It IS all about grief, you know?  Grief is grief.  A person doesn't have to die for that to be so.  The death of a dream of love can be as anguishing as the death of a person.  And I have vascillated back and forth through all the obligatory stages until I have become numb. I jetted right through shock and denial to anger and bargaining and have landed fairly squarely on acceptance.  My practice on self discovery and personal healing has very much helped me accelerate the acceptance process.  I can get just as mad and frustrated and confused and discombobulated as the next person, but I tend not to dwell there.  And above all, I really do have the most profound respect for the feelings and boundaries of others as well as their choices and I am at peace with the knowledge that I am only responsible for my own choices and my own feelings.  I cannot and do not wish to control anyone else's feelings or life and do not want anyone compromising themselves for mine. Life is to be lived.  Not put on hold.

So where am I now? I am back to where I began.  Madly in love with the world. Fascinated by people and what makes them tick. Hungry for adventure and experience.  Not afraid of risks.  At peace with myself and grateful for the experience.  I can't and I won't wallow in what might have been.  I'm endlessly thankful for what was and for being a part of it.  I've been in love maybe dozens of times, as anyone who knows me or who reads my schtuff knows....that naturally happens when you are open to the possibility.  But now...Now I have known Love.  And that, my friends is enough. 

Peace, love and happiness, babies! You only get one shot at this ride called life - make it matter!

and then one day...

you awaken to find that it was all just a dream...a lovely, impossibly beautiful dream...but a dream just the same.

From the Anonymous quote gods, "We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way." ~Author Unknown. 

That is the only answer, I suppose.

~evolution of a heart...

So. It has been some time since I last wrote anything other than a few lines about finding love.  All true and real and more than heartfelt.  Probably for me more confusing than anything.  You see,  love has always been this idea, this fantasy, this hope, this unattainable state of being for me that I have until now simply dabbled with...imagined...thought a little about....fancied myself in a few times for usually no more reason than bordeom, expectation, hope, or discovery of a new and interesting human who seemed quite interesting to discover at the time.  And in most cases - they were indeed.  Lovely people.  Interesting people. Nice people....even had I put them on paper, perhaps I could have said "just right"...or "worthy"...or "for me".

The truth is, of course they WERE just right...and of course they WERE worthy....but they were NOT for ME.   And I was not for them.  And the lesson there is that this is perfectly OK. Good, even. They WERE teachers, even when I wasn't paying attention to the lessons.

In the course of my lifetime, as I have often mentioned, I have been INCREDIBLY lucky.  I've known some amazing people...loved some wonderful and not so wonderful people...been loved...hated ..treated indifferently, and have come to know the difference...and to know that love is not always enough or is quite simply not actually love...rather it's a hope we assign to a relationship that cannot really ever manifest because it does not actually exist to begin with.  Even if we spend years pretending that it does.

My mother/friend/Kate says it all comes down to hormones or chemistry or something like that.  I think there is wisdom in that.  And I think that is true for many relationships. I think it has been true for most of mine.  I also think/believe/know that once in a great while...something remarkable can happen between two people that transcends the superficial and the chemical and is truly remarkable and life changing.  Rare.  Something that moves towards you/we/me/us/ whoever....with gravity and momentum or inertia and what almost seems like purpose...and it either sneaks up on you or smacks you upside the head or both and says, "HEY!!!! What the fuck are you waiting for?? I am right here and I have been all this time. Let's do this thing baby, because we ARE love."

And then, you may, (or I may) true to your/my normal fashion, say "who the HELL are you? Go away" or "no thanks! We're all full up of crazy here"....OR.....ORRRRR, you may simply respond as if responding to your oldest and most trusted friend, say "hey, yeah, whatever you're talking about sounds great to me.  Not sure why...it just does...suggest away.  I'm down."

Seem kind of easy and mild mannered for you?  Yeah?  Well, my friends, I have discovered at the tender age of 43 and now 44 that THAT is what love is. 

It sneaks up on you, says "hey sugar...whatcha doin'? wanna go skiing or maybe to a rally or maybe catch the next shuttle to the moon?" and you say,"hey yeah, that sounds amazing"...I don't know why and I can't explain it - but yes.  Let's do it.  Hey, let's even do something sooner"...

...and next thing you know, this person who has been your "I've only met you a few times in person and always wondered about you who lives in a different city/state/country" friend is transformed overnight into your greatest and most amazing love.  Instantly.  Without discussion or negotiation. Just. Love.  The one who makes all the songs make sense.  The one with whom everything is natural and good and effortless and endlessly interesting and attractive and alluring and so many other things. The one who makes having coffee and eggs sound like the erotic adventure of a lifetime.

The one your skeptical little heart now believes it was born for.

You see, friends...love really ISN'T hard.  It isn't elusive.  It isn't about work and effort and endless misunderstandings and pain and make-ups and trying to be "more than's" or reinventing yourself to please someone else.  Or contorting your soul to try to be acceptable. It isn't sticky (except in a good way), it isn't mean, it isn't something you have to prove.  Love. Just. Is.

Before anyone takes issue and wants to tell me it is hard, and you do have to work at it - yes, yes, yes...we do have to work at relationships and there will be misunderstandings and hurts and times to explain, etc...but I'm talking about LOVE itself.  Not the relationship.  And I firmly believe and have always believed that with a love that allows you to be free to be yourself and to grow without judgment or the need to try to make another bend to your will...well that is a love that will last and will turn your life upside down in the best possible way and is the kind of love I want. 

As one of my favorite spiritual leader/philosophers puts it, "You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free"....Thich Nhat Hanh. 

Yes.  Exactly. 

This particular brand of love doesn't have room for jealousies or worries and fears.  Infidelity is not a factor. Dishonesty is not an option.  Because first and foremost - there is the recognition that noone is owned by you and you aren't owned by anyone unless you give them that permission.  And conversely, two people loving each other completely and freely who give each other space to be, and to live and to grow don't have time to consider going anywhere else for affection or comfort. Or to lie. It ceases to be a consideration. And if it seems I am kidding myself? So be it.  This is the truth and freedom I live in and quite frankly, I dig it on the soul level, ya'll.

So the lesson in all this is manyfold.  Is manyfold a word? It works in this context I believe.  I've learned in a lifetime of teaching myself how to love myself because the wolves didn't know how to teach me (and I forgive them for that...they did all that they knew how to do.) - that once I returned to myself, and allowed myself to just ride the tide of the universal river of experience and to embrace whatever comes my way and learn from it...to still love myself even when I made mistakes...to forgive myself...to take each experience for what it was and to remain open myself to adventure to experience to life to the world and to love - then love walked right in and said "honey, I'm home" and it was like love had been there all along.  Because, in fact, it had. 

"So, this IS what love feels like."

Peace. Magic. Belonging.  Giving. Expanding....like the universe.  Love. Welcome home.

~love begins with a metaphor...

or is it a cliche? 

Pretty trick of the universe...(a gift, actually) ...just as I made peace with the possibility that a certain part of my life was over, love walks in and says "honey, I'm home".

What can I do, but say "welcome, love.  It's beautiful to meet you at last."

...and so it goes.

looks like it's gonna be an arab spring....

so much more to follow later when I am in a position to share details ( which basically means when I have details....).  But it would seem that I am returning to the middle east and camelkarma will not need a name change after all, as many suggested  (and I never really entertained).

The basics....if anyone is actually reading....I am going to Abu Dhabi...for a three year (at least) gig.  This time it will not be with the USG...but with a university system in the UAE. 

It should be interesting ....let's see...

ma'salaamah my friends.

so it goes and goes...