~ kind of a collection of favorites....from people who influenced me rather a lot...there have been so many others, but these two are on my mind tonight...
==========================================================================
“This is the strangest life I've ever known.”
-Jim Morrison
“That's what real love amounts to- letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act-”
-Jim Morrison
“I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown.”
-Jim Morrison
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
-Jim Morrison
“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
-Jim Morrison
“I like people who shake other people up and make them feel uncomfortable.”
-Jim Morrison
~~~and now, my all time favorite, for reasons beyond the simple and mundane, Mr. Tom Robbins~~~
“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
-Tom Robbins
“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
-Tom Robbins
“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
-Tom Robbins
“We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.”
-Tom Robbins
“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”
-Tom Robbins
TRUTH
"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business."
-Tom Robbins
The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being."
-Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)
"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."
— Tom Robbins (Still Life with Woodpecker)
"Our lives are not as limited as we think they are; the world is a wonderfully weird place; consensual reality is significantly flawed; no institution can be trusted, but love does work; all things are possible; and we all could be happy and fulfilled if we only had the guts to be truly free and the wisdom to shrink our egos and quit taking ourselves so damn seriously."
— Tom Robbins
Really, I could go on and on with Robbins quotes.... for now, I'll close. There's a lot of wisdom and humor and depth and truth in every one of these quotes, which are mostly essentially lifted off the pages of his books.
You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of beans...
-Tom Robbins
and the only way to do this post justice was to add Johnny Depp. Dig.
I may have a feather duster down my pants.
-Johnny Depp
I think everybody's nuts.
-Johnny Depp
-I was ecstatic they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries'. Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots.
-Johnny Depp
I'm not sure I'm adult yet.
-Johnny Depp
If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it's OK to be different, that it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.
-Johnny Depp
People say I make strange choices, but they're not strange for me. My sickness is that I'm fascinated by human behavior, by what's underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people.
-Johnny Depp
and the best.... and I echo this sentiment...
“I hope some day to make you all a cup of coffee. Alright, peace.”
Johnny Depp
Have you read Tom Robbins, do you know him....? Check him out. You'll thank yourself.
And Jim Morrison...for those of you who didn't know what a poet he was....read. It will amaze and astound you, resonate with you, potentially disgust you (if you are so inclined)....but it is all truth. At least it was Jim's truth and I can relate.
Soul spelunker...life coach in training...a woman in love with the whole wide world .
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
a melancholy kind of happiness...
Because, you can't really KNOW if it is actually a love type thing, or if it is a hormone and chemical overdose trick that your body plays on you to entice you to mate. Is that what it really all boils down to? We meet someone, the chemistry is right, our bodies and minds and perceptions go haywire so that we can procreate and perpetuate the species?
In the name of all that is beautiful and pure, I really, really hope not.
It's certainly effective, yes....but does it really all come down to a few chemicals being overloaded into your hypothalmus in order to lull you and dull your senses just enough to get you to behave like you have completely lost all capacity for reason and logic? I think the answer is yes, sometimes. Or maybe yes, all the times in the beginning. I am reluctant to reduce the pulls of the heart's deepest longings down to science. (no offense to you science lovers out there.) Biology is cool, as are physics and chemistry and astronomy. But they aren't love.
And of course, this beginning LOVE I speak of is of the truest early stage kind, which is the "being in love" stage...which is not yet the long term, committed love type thing....but it is the fun part. That long term, "real" thing may or may not find its way into your heart and soul. That only happens if you are truly lucky. And more importantly, if you are open to it and know how to nurture and care for it, or are at least willing to learn how. The real love is work. Although, I have heard it is worth it, so I do have a soulful hope to find out someday.
Yet, ohhhhhh - being in love is the dreamy part...the magical part...You remember? The endless nights talking about anything and everything and nothing and feeling like you just folded time or solved the mysteries of the universe. The world and everything in it becomes beautiful and you suddenly want to befriend homeless people, give them all your money or take them to lunch and just SHARE what you have found because it is so amazing and so great and you just KNOW if you tell them about it that it will change their life. Right. Yes, how obnoxious are the newly in love... (and yes, I want exactly that brand of obnoxiousness too.)
You're sorry for those who don't really get what you are feeling because you know - you KNOW that you have discovered the very secret that noone should ever have to live without and that is that love is the answer...love is all you need....love conquers all....love paints the world with giant strokes from the brush of god with colors the likes of which mere mortals have only dreamt of and Michaelangelo, Botticelli, and Van Gogh are in awe of. (I know it's a cheesey metaphor, but the subject matter calls for it, yes?)
In short, you're a little bit (or a lot) annoying to your friends and anyone that has to listen to you chatter endlessly about the object of your affection. Oh what a drag you are...but an oblivious and happy drag, so you're none the wiser. You only know about this side when one of your friends falls in love and does that endless chattery thing to you all the time till you start making up excuses for why you can't talk or go to lunch with them anymore. When you are on the "in love" side of the equation, nothing can break your buzz, except maybe sudden withdrawal of the object of your affection from your life...then holy camel dung - that's when extreme patheticness ensues. (another topic, some other time...or hopefully not.)
So, in all of this...self exploration and discovery and dipping of my toes in the proverbial ocean of dating and love (thank you for the phrase Tina M)...I am reminded that the secret formula for sustained happiness and peace and success and the elusive overall sense of well being is, in fact, (drum roll please....) Love. Confound it all - it just is... And being able to trust and give and remain open and to discuss misunderstandings and disagreements and idiosyncrasies and still come out in favor of each other on the other side are all essential and primary. Primary. Not just romantic love...all kinds of love. Love for yourself...love of your family...love for a neighbor, a people, a cause, a friend, a kindred spirit, a colleague. It sure as hell trumps hate and dickishness and selfishness and mockery any day of the week.
I remember it well, the "in love" stuff...I recall feeling it in 5th grade (puppy love) and again in college...not really again since. Mind you, I have seen snippets that imitated it, but they were always swept back under the carpet at the first sign of conflict or misunderstanding, or carried with them the traits of codependence and fear of betrayal and hurts... the product of having to relive your last relationship's mistakes because you hadn't dealt with them yet. I think that's what they refer to as baggage. Ugh. The horror.
But yes, it comes down to wanting to be genuinely accepted and desired by another human being. Loved and cared for and someone to rely upon who relies upon you... shared experiences and interests and exploration of each other's worlds to discover amazing new worlds you may have never been interested in before. Oh, you knew they were there...you just didn't picture yourself in them...then all of a sudden, gee - whiz - bang - you find yourself sitting at the edge of a stairway that leads to the top of the universe, holding your breath and wondering how you will find the time to fit it all in and to experience everything you are now capable of. Yes, you can now do ANYTHING. Love gives you superpowers too, didn't you know that? You did...maybe you just forgot. We always forget. I think we have to remember to remember.
This post feels a bit unfinished and perhaps I will revisit...but in keeping with the spirit of the theme of the woman on the journey who went to hell and back in marriage and then to Kuwait for some nice healing time (mission accomplished) --- I dream of a love that is filled with quiet acceptance and wonder and respect mixed with excitement and discovery. Understanding. Forgiveness. And light. (and um, matching appetites for passion.)
So, Universe, if you're listening...
That is all.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Wondering what it's all about...
My journey continues to evolve and I continue to be fairly astounded by how I seem to imagine/wish for/visualize...things into existence. Whatever you want to call it...it is interesting, cool, amazing, and a little intimidating as I have realized that we really can manifest just about any life situation we want if we don't get too specific. I mean, I can't seem to visualize Jeff Bridges or Javier Bardem into my life...but the experiences I want, adventures I want, freedom I crave, family I need...all seem to have come into existence in my life, and considering my upbringing,that feels especially spectacular to me...
So it has me thinking, wondering even...can I bring the love I want into my life? You know...the right kind...the good kind...the healthy kind...the reciprocal kind...the honest kind...the faithful kind, the "kind" kind....plus passion and understanding and shared learning with a dash of forgiveness every once in a while? Are you reading this and saying DREAM ON M!? Yeah, well maybe...but gosh I really hope it isn't just a pipe dream.
I have to believe and hope that the life I've lived and the lessons I have learned along with the losses I've experienced have prepared me and made me ready to receive and find the right kind of love. I think so many people settle for what they have or what they think everyone else expects of them and I can speak with some experience here... I don't want to settle ever again. I fully understand this may mean I am in for a lot of heartbreak, disappointment or aloneness.
That is the interesting and actually great and freeing thing. I am willing, nay, insistent upon living out my life sans relationship if it means the wrong kind. But I still have the belief in the right kind...
And with regard to my inability to make the right choices in some earlier relationships? I would like to believe and daresay I do believe that I have done some decent evolving and can imagine a future where I am in a happy and healthy relationship sustained by love and intimacy and mutual trust and if fights are necessary, then fighting the right way.
Since my divorce, I've been up and down the entire spectrum of emotions and back many times. And though I've formed no relationships of any tenure, I have foraged around a little to see what is out there and learned a few important things.
First....if it doesn't sing, I'm out. An old friend (thank you Mr. Miller) tried to teach me this long ago but though I saw the wisdom in the lesson, I didn't heed it. Not always. Not as I should have. I've gotten caught up for decades literally in trying to do what others expected of me instead of doing what I needed and wanted. And that lack of untrueness to myself led to three, count them THREE marriages didn't work out. You know what the common denominator in those marriages was? Me. Yes, me. I know...you have already figured this out and were wondering if I had figured it out.
I had. I did. I knew. I know. So what I had to do with that was come to terms with it, understand it, figure out where the mistakes were made and forgive myself. And I did. And I do. I made some unwise decisions. They weren't bad men, just not right for me. I chose people in situations where we felt that marriage must be the next step. I think that I have figured out some of why. This may come as no surprise to some of you and may frighten others ...but, basically I am a deep and intense person. And my own biological family examples weren't exemplary and so I've tried to recreate what I didn't grow up with.
Typical? Textbook? Probably...but it makes sense and the big epiphany is that I don't feel that need anymore. To choose what others expect of me. I finally feel like I am living the life I imagined myself living when I was just a teenager and young college student....and that sends me into many different metaphysical and wistful, dreamy places of hope.
And the real beauty of it all, this whole scenario? It isn't far fetched. It isn't impossible. It isn't sitting waiting for me on then corner, but it is very real and very possible and is what I want. And I'm so delighted to discover that I am not jaded after all this and I do still believe. Yay me!
So my foray into dating since the divorce has taken me to Raleigh, to kuwait (not for romance and none explored nor found there, except the over the Internet kind...), then to Arkansas...to the Hamptons to Ft. Lauderdale, locally and back.
The outcome? Let's see, one friendship that is best as a friendship but growing and that is nice, really... Another an intellectual dance that played itself out exactly as expected and reality made someone with closer proximity a more attractive prospect for him, making him not right for me...yet another, a scenario of two friends who really liked each other before and who now face awkward family situations because we should have stayed friends. And never were more than that. So i believe that will evolve properly in the years to come to the less awkward friend state. Another was an interesting guy who doesn't work and lives on a sailboat and while charming and very intelligent is misogynistic and bigoted. No deal. I like to think he was sent by the universe to test my "put up with bullshit" factor and I learned that my gut gave me the answers, I heard them, I listened, I gave a second chance in the spirit of everyone deserves that second chance...I was able to recognize that my gut was right and it was OK to walk away. Without guilt. That was a nice breakthrough. Very.
This is important, because in the past, I have not felt that. I mean, I have stuck around with people because I didn't want to let them down, or fail or disappoint, etc even to my own detriment. As a new friend recently described his own split from a spouse "I got tired of twisting and contorting myself into different shapes to try to be what they wanted". That's a rough paraphrase, but it sums it up nicely.
So, now, I'm not interested in what other people think...only in what I and my love interest, whomever that turns out to be...want, need, desire, decide.
And I want, need, desire love, of course. And Passion, trust, transparency, respect, conversation, intellectual exchange and attraction, excitement and positivity about the world and people, patience for each other...with each other...the ability to forgive and communicate. These are all primary.
I've also learned a few lessons and hard truths about myself over the years....I only have a few real deal breakers or things I can't get past. (I mean besides the serial killer or rapist instinct, ritual sacrifices, animal cruelty...etc. ) ... Those deal breakers for me are dishonesty or hiding things, smoking, misogyny, bigotry, general bad disposition...you know, because these things to me are a choice and you either know that or don't and subscribe to it or don't and it matters. (I don't mind the occasional cigar, just not cigarettes. Yuck.)
Now, first, let me clarify...I don't want to know everything about ANYONE...especially past stuff. But in the here and now...I want what he tells me to be true and real. I don't want him to feel the need to deliberately hide or say anything untrue. That doesn't mean I need to know if he is fantasizing about Kim Basinger when we make love...hell, I may be fantasizing about her too, I just mean I don't want him to tell me something out loud that isn't true or
to fabricate an experience. I mean what I say and I do what I say I'll do. I want someone who will do the same. That's all.
I am exactly who I say I am and that probably makes me intolerant of anyone who feels the need to be inauthentic. Life's too short for that shit. Be who you are...love yourself...accept yourself and trust me to love and appreciate you for you.
So with all this said, I am wide open to the new experience of finding a healthy love. The kind that other couples are a little envious of and who wonder what our secret is. I want to embarrass ourselves with a passionate kiss on the spur of the moment when moved regardless of where we are. To wake up feeling loved, desired, alive, aware, you know...to wake up with things to say, love to make and a sickening in love-ness with the world because I'm in love with him.
Pipe dream? Dear me, I certainly hope not. And I think it's quite possible. I think I've said it before, but "welcome amor...I've been thinking about you a lot lately.". There's a lot of fun in store for us. Come sit with me, walk with me, talk with me, grow with me and make love and friendship and memories. Let's be a force. Not intimidating, but a force for good.
So it has me thinking, wondering even...can I bring the love I want into my life? You know...the right kind...the good kind...the healthy kind...the reciprocal kind...the honest kind...the faithful kind, the "kind" kind....plus passion and understanding and shared learning with a dash of forgiveness every once in a while? Are you reading this and saying DREAM ON M!? Yeah, well maybe...but gosh I really hope it isn't just a pipe dream.
I have to believe and hope that the life I've lived and the lessons I have learned along with the losses I've experienced have prepared me and made me ready to receive and find the right kind of love. I think so many people settle for what they have or what they think everyone else expects of them and I can speak with some experience here... I don't want to settle ever again. I fully understand this may mean I am in for a lot of heartbreak, disappointment or aloneness.
That is the interesting and actually great and freeing thing. I am willing, nay, insistent upon living out my life sans relationship if it means the wrong kind. But I still have the belief in the right kind...
And with regard to my inability to make the right choices in some earlier relationships? I would like to believe and daresay I do believe that I have done some decent evolving and can imagine a future where I am in a happy and healthy relationship sustained by love and intimacy and mutual trust and if fights are necessary, then fighting the right way.
Since my divorce, I've been up and down the entire spectrum of emotions and back many times. And though I've formed no relationships of any tenure, I have foraged around a little to see what is out there and learned a few important things.
First....if it doesn't sing, I'm out. An old friend (thank you Mr. Miller) tried to teach me this long ago but though I saw the wisdom in the lesson, I didn't heed it. Not always. Not as I should have. I've gotten caught up for decades literally in trying to do what others expected of me instead of doing what I needed and wanted. And that lack of untrueness to myself led to three, count them THREE marriages didn't work out. You know what the common denominator in those marriages was? Me. Yes, me. I know...you have already figured this out and were wondering if I had figured it out.
I had. I did. I knew. I know. So what I had to do with that was come to terms with it, understand it, figure out where the mistakes were made and forgive myself. And I did. And I do. I made some unwise decisions. They weren't bad men, just not right for me. I chose people in situations where we felt that marriage must be the next step. I think that I have figured out some of why. This may come as no surprise to some of you and may frighten others ...but, basically I am a deep and intense person. And my own biological family examples weren't exemplary and so I've tried to recreate what I didn't grow up with.
Typical? Textbook? Probably...but it makes sense and the big epiphany is that I don't feel that need anymore. To choose what others expect of me. I finally feel like I am living the life I imagined myself living when I was just a teenager and young college student....and that sends me into many different metaphysical and wistful, dreamy places of hope.
And the real beauty of it all, this whole scenario? It isn't far fetched. It isn't impossible. It isn't sitting waiting for me on then corner, but it is very real and very possible and is what I want. And I'm so delighted to discover that I am not jaded after all this and I do still believe. Yay me!
So my foray into dating since the divorce has taken me to Raleigh, to kuwait (not for romance and none explored nor found there, except the over the Internet kind...), then to Arkansas...to the Hamptons to Ft. Lauderdale, locally and back.
The outcome? Let's see, one friendship that is best as a friendship but growing and that is nice, really... Another an intellectual dance that played itself out exactly as expected and reality made someone with closer proximity a more attractive prospect for him, making him not right for me...yet another, a scenario of two friends who really liked each other before and who now face awkward family situations because we should have stayed friends. And never were more than that. So i believe that will evolve properly in the years to come to the less awkward friend state. Another was an interesting guy who doesn't work and lives on a sailboat and while charming and very intelligent is misogynistic and bigoted. No deal. I like to think he was sent by the universe to test my "put up with bullshit" factor and I learned that my gut gave me the answers, I heard them, I listened, I gave a second chance in the spirit of everyone deserves that second chance...I was able to recognize that my gut was right and it was OK to walk away. Without guilt. That was a nice breakthrough. Very.
This is important, because in the past, I have not felt that. I mean, I have stuck around with people because I didn't want to let them down, or fail or disappoint, etc even to my own detriment. As a new friend recently described his own split from a spouse "I got tired of twisting and contorting myself into different shapes to try to be what they wanted". That's a rough paraphrase, but it sums it up nicely.
So, now, I'm not interested in what other people think...only in what I and my love interest, whomever that turns out to be...want, need, desire, decide.
And I want, need, desire love, of course. And Passion, trust, transparency, respect, conversation, intellectual exchange and attraction, excitement and positivity about the world and people, patience for each other...with each other...the ability to forgive and communicate. These are all primary.
I've also learned a few lessons and hard truths about myself over the years....I only have a few real deal breakers or things I can't get past. (I mean besides the serial killer or rapist instinct, ritual sacrifices, animal cruelty...etc. ) ... Those deal breakers for me are dishonesty or hiding things, smoking, misogyny, bigotry, general bad disposition...you know, because these things to me are a choice and you either know that or don't and subscribe to it or don't and it matters. (I don't mind the occasional cigar, just not cigarettes. Yuck.)
Now, first, let me clarify...I don't want to know everything about ANYONE...especially past stuff. But in the here and now...I want what he tells me to be true and real. I don't want him to feel the need to deliberately hide or say anything untrue. That doesn't mean I need to know if he is fantasizing about Kim Basinger when we make love...hell, I may be fantasizing about her too, I just mean I don't want him to tell me something out loud that isn't true or
to fabricate an experience. I mean what I say and I do what I say I'll do. I want someone who will do the same. That's all.
I am exactly who I say I am and that probably makes me intolerant of anyone who feels the need to be inauthentic. Life's too short for that shit. Be who you are...love yourself...accept yourself and trust me to love and appreciate you for you.
So with all this said, I am wide open to the new experience of finding a healthy love. The kind that other couples are a little envious of and who wonder what our secret is. I want to embarrass ourselves with a passionate kiss on the spur of the moment when moved regardless of where we are. To wake up feeling loved, desired, alive, aware, you know...to wake up with things to say, love to make and a sickening in love-ness with the world because I'm in love with him.
Pipe dream? Dear me, I certainly hope not. And I think it's quite possible. I think I've said it before, but "welcome amor...I've been thinking about you a lot lately.". There's a lot of fun in store for us. Come sit with me, walk with me, talk with me, grow with me and make love and friendship and memories. Let's be a force. Not intimidating, but a force for good.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Love lessons for the unevolved..
So the journey of this single 43 year old woman continues as does my education. I'm so curious about people and the way they work, tick, exist, interact, fight, defend themselves and generally make impassioned cases for why they are justified in either mistreating others or defending their own victimization or wearing their negative life experiences like a badge of accomplishment on their exposed pain psyches. Hey, you! I can see your undercarriage....either fix it or hide it, but don't use it as a weapon!
Equally interesting, and sometimes dismaying to me is how I react (or don't react) in different exposure situations. As evolved as I'd like to think (or hope) that I have become, there are situations and emotional energies of other people that serve to show me that I am in fact, not evolved at all. Just superior in my thinking or opinion of myself perhaps? That's not really what I have been shooting for...
But on a grander scale, it has taught and is teaching me that a significantly important component of knowing oneself and evolving is knowing your own boundaries...knowing your emotional triggers and what energies are positive and forward propelling for you and which energies or situations are de-evolutionary and kind of smack you back into a place of emotional chaos or unrest. Of course, the whole point of working towards some sort of evolution is to be able to be surrounded by negativity and debilitating energy and still remaining calm, happy and at peace. Right? Yeah....not so much...at least not from my experience.
But, that's what all the Masters say. Maybe for me it is more about choosing to be around people who have positive energies. Or at least people with open and searching energies instead of those with hostilities and bad juju that they have no idea they are exuding. Seriously, I have encountered and spent copious amounts of time with some folks, who are otherwise incredibly wonderful people...who are so oblivious to their own addiction to their pasts and who feel so much like the world is out to get them that it is impossible for them to let go of their pain and just "be" and let others be and as a result, see how amazing life really is and how beautiful other people can be. And their modus operandi? Picking fights, intolerance, barraging the other person (in this case, me) and an odd tendency to "lay down the rules for being with them" (who the "f" needs THAT?) ...pardon the language kiddies... You gotta be you, I gotta be me and I am totally of the live and let live philosophy.... Some seem to think that means I will lay down and allow myself to be walked over. Not the case. Whatever happened to plain old fashioned let's just get to know each other and see if we like each other? Ahhh, old fashionedness seems like such a fairy tale, sometimes, doesn't it? It isn't...it is just my experience of late - which means......(drum roll please!!!!) - that as the laws of the universe and karma and averages and such go, then I am due for something stupendous. Excellent! I welcome it and look forward to it when it arrives. Bienvenido amor~ I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Come and sit on my porch, watch the fireflies and chat with me. We'll have some iced tea or some wine or perhaps another beverage of our choice...
That doesn't seem to be what dating at 43 is like. It is more like very selectively choosing seemingly lovely people to spend time with - finding them lovely, having great chemistry with and then sort of watching them unravel or unleash all the pent up hostilities they hold for their exes or their mother or women in general. Do you know what I can report about that? I don't like it. No, sir - not at all.
Listen, I know my own shortcomings. I know my faults. I know my issues and yes, I know my triggers. Mostly, I can get along with anyone in any situation almost regardless of what they think, believe, say or profess to be about as long as they don't step on the toes of my "just being me" and don't script me and don't give me a set of rules to live by.
If I look at you while we are speaking and say to you directly "You know, I think your ideas suck and you're a douche bag and you're inherently evil", then I expect you to be offended by that. If however, I am simply having a conversation with you, need clarification, don't necessarily understand what you are saying and ask a question first, so that I can process... or just add something else to the convo because that is what conversations are....then I not only don't understand a hostile reaction or argument, I genuinely get thrown off balance and am then thrown into a place where I am thinking too much about my next words or am in sheer reactionary mode which is dangerous for me and frankly, also for you, if you are in the mix and provocatively aggressive and accusatory. So, yes...these are likely where my issues come in to play...and why I guess it is best for me to gravitate towards those of similar temperaments and energies.
But I crave growth. I long for it...dream about it....maybe am a little addicted to it....And I want to learn not only about myself, but about others. Moreover, I want to somehow be able to help others in their evolution while helping myself.
Of course, that particular brand of growth comes from pushing your own boundaries and putting yourself into situations that will throw you off balance and test your mettle, so to speak - which in and of itself is going to be unpredictable by nature.
I VERY recently pushed my boundaries in just this way and much to my personal dismay, found myself wanting. Or lacking...or not yet up to the evolutionary task, so to speak. By the way...just because you did a lot of research on my zodiac sign and then compared it to your zodiac sign...studied it, found it fascinating etc....does not mean that what you read is indicative of who I am, how I will react, what my motives are, or where I am coming from. I will admit, there are a lot of interesting things in astrology, some of them spooky even - but, really....GROW up.
Pity...the chemistry was phenomenal...but the continuation of the friendship isn't to be. I did make discoveries (positive and not so delightful) on this recent journey. I did see some amazing things. I experienced some extraordinary things and I realized just what I am willing to give and what I am willing to accept.
I discovered I'm willing to give everything, except my soul and self-respect. And I've learned that anyone really interested in being with me is only interested in getting to know my soul, not in squashing, conquering or taming it. In short, it was a lesson I needed reminding of after being out of practice for a long time.
I have learned when to say when...and hopefully that will suffice for an evolutionary notch or two on the tree of my life. For now, it will have to do and as I continue to learn and grow, I'll get it right sometime. Till then, I'm letting the universe know I get it and thanking it for the reminder and namaste'ing my way to a more peaceful and reciprocal intersection of the minds with my fellow man.
Ma'salaama, my friends. Namaste.
Equally interesting, and sometimes dismaying to me is how I react (or don't react) in different exposure situations. As evolved as I'd like to think (or hope) that I have become, there are situations and emotional energies of other people that serve to show me that I am in fact, not evolved at all. Just superior in my thinking or opinion of myself perhaps? That's not really what I have been shooting for...
But on a grander scale, it has taught and is teaching me that a significantly important component of knowing oneself and evolving is knowing your own boundaries...knowing your emotional triggers and what energies are positive and forward propelling for you and which energies or situations are de-evolutionary and kind of smack you back into a place of emotional chaos or unrest. Of course, the whole point of working towards some sort of evolution is to be able to be surrounded by negativity and debilitating energy and still remaining calm, happy and at peace. Right? Yeah....not so much...at least not from my experience.
But, that's what all the Masters say. Maybe for me it is more about choosing to be around people who have positive energies. Or at least people with open and searching energies instead of those with hostilities and bad juju that they have no idea they are exuding. Seriously, I have encountered and spent copious amounts of time with some folks, who are otherwise incredibly wonderful people...who are so oblivious to their own addiction to their pasts and who feel so much like the world is out to get them that it is impossible for them to let go of their pain and just "be" and let others be and as a result, see how amazing life really is and how beautiful other people can be. And their modus operandi? Picking fights, intolerance, barraging the other person (in this case, me) and an odd tendency to "lay down the rules for being with them" (who the "f" needs THAT?) ...pardon the language kiddies... You gotta be you, I gotta be me and I am totally of the live and let live philosophy.... Some seem to think that means I will lay down and allow myself to be walked over. Not the case. Whatever happened to plain old fashioned let's just get to know each other and see if we like each other? Ahhh, old fashionedness seems like such a fairy tale, sometimes, doesn't it? It isn't...it is just my experience of late - which means......(drum roll please!!!!) - that as the laws of the universe and karma and averages and such go, then I am due for something stupendous. Excellent! I welcome it and look forward to it when it arrives. Bienvenido amor~ I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Come and sit on my porch, watch the fireflies and chat with me. We'll have some iced tea or some wine or perhaps another beverage of our choice...
That doesn't seem to be what dating at 43 is like. It is more like very selectively choosing seemingly lovely people to spend time with - finding them lovely, having great chemistry with and then sort of watching them unravel or unleash all the pent up hostilities they hold for their exes or their mother or women in general. Do you know what I can report about that? I don't like it. No, sir - not at all.
Listen, I know my own shortcomings. I know my faults. I know my issues and yes, I know my triggers. Mostly, I can get along with anyone in any situation almost regardless of what they think, believe, say or profess to be about as long as they don't step on the toes of my "just being me" and don't script me and don't give me a set of rules to live by.
If I look at you while we are speaking and say to you directly "You know, I think your ideas suck and you're a douche bag and you're inherently evil", then I expect you to be offended by that. If however, I am simply having a conversation with you, need clarification, don't necessarily understand what you are saying and ask a question first, so that I can process... or just add something else to the convo because that is what conversations are....then I not only don't understand a hostile reaction or argument, I genuinely get thrown off balance and am then thrown into a place where I am thinking too much about my next words or am in sheer reactionary mode which is dangerous for me and frankly, also for you, if you are in the mix and provocatively aggressive and accusatory. So, yes...these are likely where my issues come in to play...and why I guess it is best for me to gravitate towards those of similar temperaments and energies.
But I crave growth. I long for it...dream about it....maybe am a little addicted to it....And I want to learn not only about myself, but about others. Moreover, I want to somehow be able to help others in their evolution while helping myself.
Of course, that particular brand of growth comes from pushing your own boundaries and putting yourself into situations that will throw you off balance and test your mettle, so to speak - which in and of itself is going to be unpredictable by nature.
I VERY recently pushed my boundaries in just this way and much to my personal dismay, found myself wanting. Or lacking...or not yet up to the evolutionary task, so to speak. By the way...just because you did a lot of research on my zodiac sign and then compared it to your zodiac sign...studied it, found it fascinating etc....does not mean that what you read is indicative of who I am, how I will react, what my motives are, or where I am coming from. I will admit, there are a lot of interesting things in astrology, some of them spooky even - but, really....GROW up.
Pity...the chemistry was phenomenal...but the continuation of the friendship isn't to be. I did make discoveries (positive and not so delightful) on this recent journey. I did see some amazing things. I experienced some extraordinary things and I realized just what I am willing to give and what I am willing to accept.
I discovered I'm willing to give everything, except my soul and self-respect. And I've learned that anyone really interested in being with me is only interested in getting to know my soul, not in squashing, conquering or taming it. In short, it was a lesson I needed reminding of after being out of practice for a long time.
I have learned when to say when...and hopefully that will suffice for an evolutionary notch or two on the tree of my life. For now, it will have to do and as I continue to learn and grow, I'll get it right sometime. Till then, I'm letting the universe know I get it and thanking it for the reminder and namaste'ing my way to a more peaceful and reciprocal intersection of the minds with my fellow man.
Ma'salaama, my friends. Namaste.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Contracts that go BUMP, in the night....
There are so many things I will miss about Kuwait...and so many things I won't miss a bit.
Here's a little free style thinking on which is what...
I will miss...
The MOON. Enormous, the colors of burnt orange, brilliant gold and gleaming bone white. Amazing and breathtaking as it rises over the Persian Gulf.
The SUN and the sunrises. Also on the gulf...big, fiery, red, magenta, fuschia, then the familiar golden-white blinding light that burns intensely all day long.
130 degree heat. Really I will. It's a cleansing, hot, convection oven heat...and holds you like a freshly spent lover on a hot Carolina night.
My friends...Bob, Erika, Andrea, Berdine, Todd, Helen, Mac, Kris, Jamar, John, Julio, Dawnie, MG, Oliver, Terrie, Ashraf, Imran, Danny, Alwyn, Ashley, Velwyn, Sid, Vishal, Prashant, Paul, Eknath, Joshy, the Hot Firemen....and more I can't even remember at the moment.
Running along the Persian Gulf. Utterly amazing. Surreal. I mean, who gets to do that??
Delivery sushi...quality, delicious and cold every time. And the miso soup? Piping hot. Every time.
The sight of the oilfields just before dawn. Eerily beautiful, like another planet.
The bedouin barbecues...
The diversity and richness of this place and the astounding contradictions between extreme ridiculous wealth and not ever being taught how to clean or care for things or surroundings. (that's a toss up between "will miss" and "will not miss".)
Building security...on watch 24 hours a day.
All tile floors and no carpet. I love tile.
The call to prayer. While not religious at all myself, I find these times very endearing and try to give them the reverence they deserve.
Air that smells like warm, spicy sugar. I think it is the shisha cafes, not sure - but it is delicious.
The best Indian food I have ever had. Bar none.
Meetings with the Legion of Doom, which I found particularly amusing and entertaining.
Some things I won't miss quite so much....
The way the bathrooms smell at Arifjan...you shouldn't walk into a bathroom and almost wretch due to stench.
Toilets where toilet paper isn't allowed. (I mean, ICK!)
Kuwaiti drivers. STAY IN YOUR LANE!
The role of women and the inequality of women.
Feral, unfriendly cats.
People who don't like dogs.
The phrase "Insha'Allah". I'm a fan of personal responsibility. Owning your choices...
That weird Australian dude in the gym who stares and gets in my space..BACK the F off, dude. I'm working out, not here to be chatted up.
The Chicken Hawk. Ya'll who know, know who I mean.
Edited movies...although a little funny, still frustrating.
The distance of my friends and family in the states.
Paper shredding.
Incoming IPC's.
I may come back and add to these as I remember....I'm going to sleep now for tomorrow is a HUGE and long day...but at the end of it all, I'll be on US soil the day after...
Ma' salaama.
Here's a little free style thinking on which is what...
I will miss...
The MOON. Enormous, the colors of burnt orange, brilliant gold and gleaming bone white. Amazing and breathtaking as it rises over the Persian Gulf.
The SUN and the sunrises. Also on the gulf...big, fiery, red, magenta, fuschia, then the familiar golden-white blinding light that burns intensely all day long.
130 degree heat. Really I will. It's a cleansing, hot, convection oven heat...and holds you like a freshly spent lover on a hot Carolina night.
My friends...Bob, Erika, Andrea, Berdine, Todd, Helen, Mac, Kris, Jamar, John, Julio, Dawnie, MG, Oliver, Terrie, Ashraf, Imran, Danny, Alwyn, Ashley, Velwyn, Sid, Vishal, Prashant, Paul, Eknath, Joshy, the Hot Firemen....and more I can't even remember at the moment.
Running along the Persian Gulf. Utterly amazing. Surreal. I mean, who gets to do that??
Delivery sushi...quality, delicious and cold every time. And the miso soup? Piping hot. Every time.
The sight of the oilfields just before dawn. Eerily beautiful, like another planet.
The bedouin barbecues...
The diversity and richness of this place and the astounding contradictions between extreme ridiculous wealth and not ever being taught how to clean or care for things or surroundings. (that's a toss up between "will miss" and "will not miss".)
Building security...on watch 24 hours a day.
All tile floors and no carpet. I love tile.
The call to prayer. While not religious at all myself, I find these times very endearing and try to give them the reverence they deserve.
Air that smells like warm, spicy sugar. I think it is the shisha cafes, not sure - but it is delicious.
The best Indian food I have ever had. Bar none.
Meetings with the Legion of Doom, which I found particularly amusing and entertaining.
Some things I won't miss quite so much....
The way the bathrooms smell at Arifjan...you shouldn't walk into a bathroom and almost wretch due to stench.
Toilets where toilet paper isn't allowed. (I mean, ICK!)
Kuwaiti drivers. STAY IN YOUR LANE!
The role of women and the inequality of women.
Feral, unfriendly cats.
People who don't like dogs.
The phrase "Insha'Allah". I'm a fan of personal responsibility. Owning your choices...
That weird Australian dude in the gym who stares and gets in my space..BACK the F off, dude. I'm working out, not here to be chatted up.
The Chicken Hawk. Ya'll who know, know who I mean.
Edited movies...although a little funny, still frustrating.
The distance of my friends and family in the states.
Paper shredding.
Incoming IPC's.
I may come back and add to these as I remember....I'm going to sleep now for tomorrow is a HUGE and long day...but at the end of it all, I'll be on US soil the day after...
Ma' salaama.
Friday, February 4, 2011
“A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles" (Tim Cahill)...thank you Mark Zuckerberg.
With only 8 days left on the contract and before I fly away from Ali Baba Land for the last time, I am feeling the need to wax a little gushy and send a note of thanks to Mark Zuckerberg. Yes, I said Mark Zuckerberg.
You see, for months now...since late November, I have been an evening and weekend prisoner of sorts. A la "Rapunzel in the tower", except not a princess, and not that young, and, well - you get the point. Everything was exciting when I arrived. I was given a car and access to just about anything Kuwait had to offer. Then, as news of the pending loss of our contract came, little freedoms and luxuries started going away - the first of which was the car. Then there were warnings and urgings to lay low...stick close to your apartments...don't go out in crowds...don't gather with groups of other Americans (for fear of becoming a target?)...etc.
The routine has been to work 12 hours a day plus commute Sundays through Thursdays and then escape to Dubai or Abu Dhabi on the weekends or just hang out in the proverbial tower and read, watch movies, exercise...and stay connected with the rest of the world. Luckily, I am mostly content with that...but am itching for freedom and to have a little more control of my destiny again. No more Dubai escapes because they collected our passports in early January. Haven't seen it since.
There has been no better way that I have seen to stay connected with the rest of the world than the internet. Especially when I've been very limited geographically and living about 8-9 hours in the future from most of the people I know and love. And through the internet...(thanks Al Gore ;-) ) the information superhighway paved the way for Facebook. Seriously, I don't have any idea how I would have kept my sanity here without it. So, yes, thank you Mark Zuckerberg and friends, for what started as a way to connect with fellow Harvard students and has grown into over 600 million active users worldwide. I'm deeply gratified and beholden to you.
I've been living in two or three timezones since I got here, trying to keep up mentally with what time it is in other places. The Kuwait time zone (AST - Arabia Standard Time)...Eastern Standard for my east coast family and friends and Central Standard, for my group of friends in the midwest, Texas, Arkansas...I also spent a good bit of time mentally in Pacific Standard and Mountain and sometimes even Hawaiian Standard, depending on where I had to call to speak to candidates. As a recruiter, one must call when the candidate is awake.
But, the simple act of being able to log on at any time from the Middle East and see that Holly just had a "kick ass run" or posted a great new pic of my Izzy... or that it was going to be "another great day in the sandhills" for Bryan...or that Sam was surfin'...or that NC State was playing and sadly, still sucks :(...or to see what Rebecca was making for dinner tonight...to see your snow pictures, your Thanksgiving pictures, your Christmas pictures...to know you had a birthday today...to see how pissed off Kate and Norman were at Sarah Palin's latest antics...to learn what was going on in Susannah's mind at the moment...to be shocked at who thinks Glenn Beck is an actual life form...to read your witty anecdotes...to nearly fall off my chair laughing at anything Holli Poole Teubner posts!!! I am going to start a fan page for you, Holli. Tell your friends to get ready! To be able to listen to the music Jake was listening to almost simultaneously since he never seems to sleep. The ability to feel like I am sitting right there with you all at almost any time has kept me connected, kept me grounded, made me realize what is truly important in life, and has been the greatest gift and comfort. And there have been tragically sad times when I have grieved with you for the loss of your children, your parents, your friends. Death, although an unavoidable part of life, still takes the deepest toll on us as the loss of that loved one is irrecoverable. My love and warmest healing thoughts still go out to you each day and night.
I am so sad to think how the countless military men and women and those traveling to distant lands for non-military reasons over the years had to get by with handwritten letters that could be delivered months after they were sent and who could make the occasional phone call once a month or so depending on their mission and where they were in the world. That is likely how they built the camaraderie and brother/sisterhood with each other in ways I may not have built the same while here...although I have managed to make some amazing friends here from all over the world that I know will be part of my lifelong cosmic family that I will stay in touch with. So, really, I have had the best of both worlds. I have said it before and it still holds true, I am a lucky somebody.
Time is different here in the desert. I don't know what it is...the long days, the endless sunshine, the time difference...not sure. But though I have only been here around 8 months, it feels like it has been about 3 years. Maybe Kuwait time is like dog years...? Not sure. But so much has happened in that time.
I came here to have an adventure - and WHAT an adventure I have had! I've worked side by side with beautiful people from India, Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, the Phillipines, Australia, England, Scotland, Germany, Africa, Ukraine, and Poland... I've been to shisha cafes and local souks and spice markets that were lifted right off the pages of some exotic tale from the Arabian Nights...I've lived amongst the Kuwaiti's and witnessed their beauty and their naivete and their harshness and been intrigued by their bedouin habits (good and bad). I've seen and been apalled by racism and misogyny the likes of which I hope I never encounter again anywhere. And with that, I have felt utterly helpless because this quite simply isn't the place to be THAT American and try to take a stand and fight for what you believe in. That will land you squarely in jail and whatever else that might entail without exception. I think my powers for good will be better served elsewhere.
I've seen how people live in a country with seemingly unlimited monetary resources and been amazed at how they are satisfied to have so much and still have no idea how to keep the place clean or how to enforce traffic laws or how to keep their children safe in cars with child seats (or even seatbelts!). I've seen children on dashboards, or in the rear windows climbing all over the place while mommy is talking on the phone and darting in and out of traffic. They all say, "Insha'Allah". If Allah wills. God willing. The explanation for taking no precautions of any kind with safety, security, etc. boils down to Insha'Allah. It boggles the reasonable mind. Vive la cultural difference!
I came here with the remains of a broken heart, and have literally marveled as it healed and grew back stronger and more whole until the memory faded almost completely and sheer relief set in to replace it. I got my groove back...my Micheleness, the me that I always have been but had been really kind of putting on a back burner for YEARS to try to be what someone else wanted. Perish the thought of that ever happening again.
I came with a happy sense of adventure and peace and wonder...and leave with the addition of a renewed sense of self and meaning and wisdom that I would not trade for anything whatsoever. Like I said, I am a lucky somebody.
I have run in the desert. I have seen camels chasing cars because stupid Americans fed them sticky buns. I have seen a girl with a monkey walk into a Starbucks. I have run along the coast of the Persian Gulf. Completely and utterly sublime. I have spent months in temps above 125 degrees F... and had the most marvelous view one could ask for right outside my bedroom window every single day. I have witnessed moonrises and sunrises the likes of which I have NEVER seen anywhere. I will miss those the most. And the air here..it smells like warm, spicy, sugar. Enchanting. Unless you are near one of the sewage areas. Then it takes your breath away in the most unappealing fashion.
The most amazing experiences have been with the people. The people here. Unforgettable. And the people out there. You. My friends and family from around the globe across timezones. You have inspired me. You've given me new books to read...movies to watch...ideas to ponder...new music to add to my life soundtrack...sent me care packages, birthday wishes, light and love, laughs - lots and lots of laughs...you've managed to make me feel missed and loved and hugged from across an ocean and a continent or two. Admissions of high school crushes, a marriage proposal (don't worry, I'm not holding you to that!), political and philosophical arguments, offers for dates and drinks and friendships and a beautiful fantasy or two.
I've even managed to fall a bit for one of you. Something I didn't even know I could still do. Sometimes it is all in the timing. . Ah, well, c'est la vie - no matter either way. It was lovely for a while and I will take it with me and always smile and always remember the way it felt and the way you made me feel. Beautiful. Desired. Understood. Interesting. Alive. If ever our paths cross again, I shall be nothing short of delighted. You awakened something I thought long dead, Professor. I love you for free.
I leave Kuwait with beautiful memories, the adventure of a lifetime, with peace and love and stillness in my soul. I leave with gratitude for the experience and with a powerful feeling of contentment for the present moment. The next adventure is just around the corner, and I'm ready and open for it. Come along with, if your spirit wills it.
Ma'salaama, my friends. Shukran.
You see, for months now...since late November, I have been an evening and weekend prisoner of sorts. A la "Rapunzel in the tower", except not a princess, and not that young, and, well - you get the point. Everything was exciting when I arrived. I was given a car and access to just about anything Kuwait had to offer. Then, as news of the pending loss of our contract came, little freedoms and luxuries started going away - the first of which was the car. Then there were warnings and urgings to lay low...stick close to your apartments...don't go out in crowds...don't gather with groups of other Americans (for fear of becoming a target?)...etc.
The routine has been to work 12 hours a day plus commute Sundays through Thursdays and then escape to Dubai or Abu Dhabi on the weekends or just hang out in the proverbial tower and read, watch movies, exercise...and stay connected with the rest of the world. Luckily, I am mostly content with that...but am itching for freedom and to have a little more control of my destiny again. No more Dubai escapes because they collected our passports in early January. Haven't seen it since.
There has been no better way that I have seen to stay connected with the rest of the world than the internet. Especially when I've been very limited geographically and living about 8-9 hours in the future from most of the people I know and love. And through the internet...(thanks Al Gore ;-) ) the information superhighway paved the way for Facebook. Seriously, I don't have any idea how I would have kept my sanity here without it. So, yes, thank you Mark Zuckerberg and friends, for what started as a way to connect with fellow Harvard students and has grown into over 600 million active users worldwide. I'm deeply gratified and beholden to you.
I've been living in two or three timezones since I got here, trying to keep up mentally with what time it is in other places. The Kuwait time zone (AST - Arabia Standard Time)...Eastern Standard for my east coast family and friends and Central Standard, for my group of friends in the midwest, Texas, Arkansas...I also spent a good bit of time mentally in Pacific Standard and Mountain and sometimes even Hawaiian Standard, depending on where I had to call to speak to candidates. As a recruiter, one must call when the candidate is awake.
But, the simple act of being able to log on at any time from the Middle East and see that Holly just had a "kick ass run" or posted a great new pic of my Izzy... or that it was going to be "another great day in the sandhills" for Bryan...or that Sam was surfin'...or that NC State was playing and sadly, still sucks :(...or to see what Rebecca was making for dinner tonight...to see your snow pictures, your Thanksgiving pictures, your Christmas pictures...to know you had a birthday today...to see how pissed off Kate and Norman were at Sarah Palin's latest antics...to learn what was going on in Susannah's mind at the moment...to be shocked at who thinks Glenn Beck is an actual life form...to read your witty anecdotes...to nearly fall off my chair laughing at anything Holli Poole Teubner posts!!! I am going to start a fan page for you, Holli. Tell your friends to get ready! To be able to listen to the music Jake was listening to almost simultaneously since he never seems to sleep. The ability to feel like I am sitting right there with you all at almost any time has kept me connected, kept me grounded, made me realize what is truly important in life, and has been the greatest gift and comfort. And there have been tragically sad times when I have grieved with you for the loss of your children, your parents, your friends. Death, although an unavoidable part of life, still takes the deepest toll on us as the loss of that loved one is irrecoverable. My love and warmest healing thoughts still go out to you each day and night.
I am so sad to think how the countless military men and women and those traveling to distant lands for non-military reasons over the years had to get by with handwritten letters that could be delivered months after they were sent and who could make the occasional phone call once a month or so depending on their mission and where they were in the world. That is likely how they built the camaraderie and brother/sisterhood with each other in ways I may not have built the same while here...although I have managed to make some amazing friends here from all over the world that I know will be part of my lifelong cosmic family that I will stay in touch with. So, really, I have had the best of both worlds. I have said it before and it still holds true, I am a lucky somebody.
Time is different here in the desert. I don't know what it is...the long days, the endless sunshine, the time difference...not sure. But though I have only been here around 8 months, it feels like it has been about 3 years. Maybe Kuwait time is like dog years...? Not sure. But so much has happened in that time.
I came here to have an adventure - and WHAT an adventure I have had! I've worked side by side with beautiful people from India, Pakistan, Egypt, Bangladesh, the Phillipines, Australia, England, Scotland, Germany, Africa, Ukraine, and Poland... I've been to shisha cafes and local souks and spice markets that were lifted right off the pages of some exotic tale from the Arabian Nights...I've lived amongst the Kuwaiti's and witnessed their beauty and their naivete and their harshness and been intrigued by their bedouin habits (good and bad). I've seen and been apalled by racism and misogyny the likes of which I hope I never encounter again anywhere. And with that, I have felt utterly helpless because this quite simply isn't the place to be THAT American and try to take a stand and fight for what you believe in. That will land you squarely in jail and whatever else that might entail without exception. I think my powers for good will be better served elsewhere.
I've seen how people live in a country with seemingly unlimited monetary resources and been amazed at how they are satisfied to have so much and still have no idea how to keep the place clean or how to enforce traffic laws or how to keep their children safe in cars with child seats (or even seatbelts!). I've seen children on dashboards, or in the rear windows climbing all over the place while mommy is talking on the phone and darting in and out of traffic. They all say, "Insha'Allah". If Allah wills. God willing. The explanation for taking no precautions of any kind with safety, security, etc. boils down to Insha'Allah. It boggles the reasonable mind. Vive la cultural difference!
I came here with the remains of a broken heart, and have literally marveled as it healed and grew back stronger and more whole until the memory faded almost completely and sheer relief set in to replace it. I got my groove back...my Micheleness, the me that I always have been but had been really kind of putting on a back burner for YEARS to try to be what someone else wanted. Perish the thought of that ever happening again.
I came with a happy sense of adventure and peace and wonder...and leave with the addition of a renewed sense of self and meaning and wisdom that I would not trade for anything whatsoever. Like I said, I am a lucky somebody.
I have run in the desert. I have seen camels chasing cars because stupid Americans fed them sticky buns. I have seen a girl with a monkey walk into a Starbucks. I have run along the coast of the Persian Gulf. Completely and utterly sublime. I have spent months in temps above 125 degrees F... and had the most marvelous view one could ask for right outside my bedroom window every single day. I have witnessed moonrises and sunrises the likes of which I have NEVER seen anywhere. I will miss those the most. And the air here..it smells like warm, spicy, sugar. Enchanting. Unless you are near one of the sewage areas. Then it takes your breath away in the most unappealing fashion.
The most amazing experiences have been with the people. The people here. Unforgettable. And the people out there. You. My friends and family from around the globe across timezones. You have inspired me. You've given me new books to read...movies to watch...ideas to ponder...new music to add to my life soundtrack...sent me care packages, birthday wishes, light and love, laughs - lots and lots of laughs...you've managed to make me feel missed and loved and hugged from across an ocean and a continent or two. Admissions of high school crushes, a marriage proposal (don't worry, I'm not holding you to that!), political and philosophical arguments, offers for dates and drinks and friendships and a beautiful fantasy or two.
I've even managed to fall a bit for one of you. Something I didn't even know I could still do. Sometimes it is all in the timing. . Ah, well, c'est la vie - no matter either way. It was lovely for a while and I will take it with me and always smile and always remember the way it felt and the way you made me feel. Beautiful. Desired. Understood. Interesting. Alive. If ever our paths cross again, I shall be nothing short of delighted. You awakened something I thought long dead, Professor. I love you for free.
I leave Kuwait with beautiful memories, the adventure of a lifetime, with peace and love and stillness in my soul. I leave with gratitude for the experience and with a powerful feeling of contentment for the present moment. The next adventure is just around the corner, and I'm ready and open for it. Come along with, if your spirit wills it.
Ma'salaama, my friends. Shukran.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Of love and other misunderstandings...this one is self indulgent and just for me.
Ok, so the universe and her stars, black holes, nebulas and whatnot seem to be in conspiracy to teach me some quick and dirty lessons...to jolt me with some much needed reminders... and gently coax me into letting my guard down a little bit, so I figured it was time to write it all down and sort of let the demons work themselves out and see what sort of resolution I reach at the end, if any... WARNING! Don't read on unless this sort of drivel genuinely interests you...this is a totally self-serving post that is all for me. I'm documenting it basically as a bookmark for where my head is at this time in my life.Love. The great conqueror, divider, inspirer, crusher, savior, destroyer, CONFOUNDER...and the most misunderstood of emotions and overused of words or sentiments. Love has been on my mind a lot lately. So, of course that makes me special and completely unique just like everyone else in the world....but in honor of February's favorite Hallmark holiday...here we go.
I've been evaluating past loves, things I thought were love, wished were love, hoped were love (you know, how when you know for certain it isn't love, but you hope it is because it would simplify things and make them so much easier because you know, he's nice, he's there, he calls, it's convenient, he doesn't totally piss me off, etc....but everybody says "OMG, he's such a catch"...and so you stick around for the ultimate in mediocrity.
Mostly, I've been evaluating relationships. My past relationships. My behavior in those relationships and after those relationships. Other people's relationships. Cultural differences. Preconceived notions. Expectations. Lies I told myself. Things I put up with. Bargains I made with myself. Things I settled for. The reasons I settled, bargained, put up with...you get the point. It would take the rest of the decade to write it all down and go into each nuance and lesson individually, so I will skip right ahead to what I have learned about me that has revealed to me what it is that I want from a relationship.
I certainly don't meet the expectations that many men have or that they seem to have somewhat been trained to expect over the years through repetition in other relationships. I'm low maintenance, with high standards for ease and simplicity. I don't want a lot, but what I want is everything (to me)...and according to my good friends of both the male and female persuasion, what I want is actually pretty different than what everyone else seems to want.
On regrets. I have none. Well, maybe a few. I'm passionate, can be impulsive and have never feared taking a leap...even if the outcome was that I splattered on the floor of the grand canyon the way Wile E. Coyote always does when foiled by that damned Roadrunner...But I really don't regret the pain, the heartbreak, betrayal, the resulting self doubt, the ache, the emptiness or the sorrow that I have felt associated with the end of certain relationships. I don't regret leaving and I don't regret losing. Life and loss have taught me so much and left me so much wiser and richer in the knowledge of what I DO want. And what I don't want. And what I won't do again. And what I'd like to do that I never have. And what I can't compromise on.
So, for me...I always come back to the cliche "life is too short". But, let's face it, it really is. There's so much to do and so much happiness to be had out there. I watch other people in their relationships and see so much sorrow. So much settling. So much "stuckness". Stagnancy. (Lot's of S words...). There's a much better "S" word, ya'll. Sex. But that is a topic for another blog...
People cause their stagnancy themselves, of course. We all do. We are all as much to blame for our unhappiness as our happiness, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we can get on with the business of being happy. Seriously. The responsibility lies upon each of us to be happy. Or not. But OWN IT. It is ultimately YOUR decision. And YOUR responsibility. Noone else's. And it is truly not created by your current economic, romantic relationship, or even health situation. It is a choice. Mmmm hmm, yep, there I go again with that word. Choice. It rings truer to me than just about anything I can come up with. I've seen in action in myself and others and have been observing it with great fascination all my life. I am an avid believer in choice.
The ever present question. What do I want, then? What DO I want? What is acceptable? Not? Desirable? Not? I don't have this daunting list of qualities that no man could ever aspire to that he must live up to or anything like that. Not what I am saying. He doesn't have to be "this tall" or wear "these clothes" or drive "that car" or have a certain career or pedigree.
I do want and daresay need or require an intellectual attraction coupled with physical desire and multiplied by a shared appreciation for silence and stillness with a healthy dose of travel and adventure, an endless supply of things to learn and grow from with each other, a dash of challenge, several handfuls of mystery. An open mind is primary, as is tolerance and the balls to stand up to an injustice when the situation calls for it.
I don't want clowny, flashy, bravado or machismo. I don't want stuff, I don't want someone to try to impress me. I'll be impressed if you speak to that which impresses me, no need to try. I want my soul to be set on fire and to discover new depths and little things that tickle me just because they are associated with the object of my affection. I don't want to be supported or any of that sugar daddy nonsense.
I want easy, slow, deliberate, effortless, smiling, yearning, free of expectation, passionate, and oftentimes laughter inducing love. Not slapstick...but intelligent humor that sometimes sneaks up on me. Someone that sets me off balance and unsettles me a bit, and in all of that - actually makes me better. Not through an effort to make me better - but by being a catalyst that simply sets the inertia in motion. And of course, I'd want to be the same for them.
And I am the first to admit that I am not an easy read. Not everyone's cup of tea. Not like the other bears. I am real. I am deep. I am passionate. I am a searcher and a yearner. I am often a loner. Never lonely. I'm fiercely protective of myself and the people I love. If I let you in, well then you're in and you've managed to reach me in a place that I consider primary. And I don't take myself that seriously. I roll with it. The good, the bad...none of it lasts and life won't either, so I am here to enjoy each day in as drama free a manner as is possible. I am always learning, striving, interested, engaged. I'm actually pretty basic and simple when it all comes down to it. I guess the lesson I have learned is to be true to me. To be the individual that I am and to embrace that with all my being. And to not take the shape of the relationship I find myself in. To keep the shape of me...and to just be.
In my "match.com" profile...I state that I am not looking for someone to complete me. That I am complete already and that I am interested in finding someone who will enhance my life and whose life will be enhanced by having me in it. That seems to sum it up nicely and captures the essence. I don't want anyone to be anything but who they are and don't want anyone changing to suit me. What suits me is being me. And if you are being you, (as long as being you doesn't involve you being a dick), then we're golden. And by the way....YOU are complete already too. We all are. I just wish everyone would realize that. Love yourself. It will make you a MUCH better lover of others...(not to be confused with being egotistical and self centered, but real, selfless love of self) Oxymoronic? Nah - not really.
Yes, I have done the match.com thing..how else are you supposed to meet someone that seems to be on your same cosmic plane but happens to be located somewhere around the world or around the cornfield, as the case may be? It was so easy to bump into my next romance back in college or even in my twenties or thirties in the workplace or friend gatherings...not so easy when I've have journeyed a little and have a better understanding of what I want from a relationship.
The greatest compliment and comfort to me is someone that I can sit with in total quiet and ease with no need to fill the silence. If that appeals to you, you know what I mean. We can be reading, having a coffee, writing, gazing at a view, or simply lost in thought. That sort of peace and simple beauty is, to me, priceless and sadly more rare than love itself.
And if that sort of concept doesn't speak to you and you decide you kinda dig the other person (in this case, me) and then TRY to make that your thing, because you're infatuated and likely don't have a real good sense of yourself - let me assure you right off the bat, it won't work. Move on and find someone that needs what you need. That sort of settling or trying to change yourself for someone else surfaces as resentment and annoyance later when the initial "being in love" chemicals wear off. In other words, find your own bliss...find someone whose puzzle parts fit with yours and stop trying to make a relationship with whomever you are currently infatuated with just because they are there and you are lonely. (I'm speaking to me as much as anyone here.)
I am a traveler and an adventurer. A seeker, to be sure. But I am NOT an adrenaline junkie. I am not an "on the go-er". I do not have to fill every moment with activity and I do not want to. I do not need to always be on the hunt for the next fun thing. I have been hang gliding, bungee jumping, motorcycle riding, driven in Kuwait (YIKES)and yes, I would like to sky dive sometime...but am not darting from activity to activity to fill my space. I'd prefer to hike Macchu Pichu and do it in utter silence. Sometimes Macchu Pichu is just a 6 mile run, or getting lost in a bookstore, or watching your kid play soccer.
There are few things I enjoy more than Just. Being. Still. Granted, I like being still in different places. Like a museum, a beach, an airport, a bed, a chair with a book, a tree, a table with a bottle of wine and a really good friend (romantic or not) and great conversation.
Then I discovered, and really if I'm being honest, I remembered that I actually like being alone. That doesn't mean "I Vant to Be Alone".... at least not all the time. It just means that I am perfectly content with it. Happy even. Quite. The happiest I've ever been. And I am not willing to give that up to mold myself into someone else's ideal of what a woman should be or what a relationship should be. I've found that people come to relationships with all these expectations and their own lists of how it should go, and how the other person should act if you do this, or that. I don't want expectations. Love? Yes. Commitment? Certainly. Understanding, forgiveness, intimacy? Absolutely. Sharing, growing, communication? Si, si, si! But no preconceived notions. People and relationships don't come with a manual or a table of contents. Each moment is what it is.
This is where my favorite Tom Robbins quotes come into play...well, two of them anyway...
- The first: "Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."
- And the second: “When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
So, a committed romantic relationship is not something I will likely find myself in again until true compatibility and boundaries and trust and attraction and comfort are established. I won't find myself in a committed relationship until I find myself in a situation I can't see any other way. That WE can't see any other way (that old magic, as they say...) Too many times, I have "found" myself in a relationship because it seemed like the thing to do, or what he wanted, or it was just a relief to not be on the dating market, which CAN be quite stressful. No more. Never again. The next relationship will happen because it can't help but be... whatever "it" happens to look like. Whether we live next door to one another or across town...different states, different countries...just not different planets. I'm not ready for inter-planetary mating just yet.
Love. Companionship. Deep friendship. Trust. Respect. Forgiveness. Understanding. Belief. And a certain mature ability to converse and tackle and learn and discover and disagree and find simple joy and beauty in every day things. That's what I want. That's what moves me. That. I'll have that, please.
I guess it all boils down to one thing. (yes, I'm Channeling Curly from City Slickers). One thing. I want someone who is genuinely comfortable in his own skin and knows who he is, and likes who I am.
Oh, and who sets my loins on fire. Yeah...I'll take that too. :-)
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