You are nothing but your breath. Exhale.

You are nothing but your breath. Exhale.

August light 2013...what a difference a year makes...

Today is not at all the day that I was so magically given exactly one year ago. Nor will tonight be anything like that night. But that day, and that night, changed my life…Ignited my soul…Reminded me exactly who I am, what I want, who I’m not, what I don’t want… and that I am beautiful, even and especially when I don’t think so. It also flooded my brain with dopamine and all those other connection chemicals that happen all too rarely in my life. So grateful.

And I’ll tell you, I’ve almost dreaded the coming of this un-anniversary of sorts. I’ve imagined I’d be heartsick, bottomlessly sad, wake up crying, start drinking at dawn (just kidding), that I’d re-read old emails that I’ve intentionally not re-read before…that I’d pine and mope and turn myself inside out in anguish. But I’ve already done all those things (except the drinking at dawn…not about to start).  And I’ve done them countless times. Sometimes they’ve caught me by surprise, while other times the feelings just greeted me softly like an old and familiar friend. They comforted me.  Odd. The utter soul drenching sorrow that I’ve felt over the past 10 months has become such a regular part of my life that I think I’m almost afraid of living without it. You know, as in, if I let it go, then I am also letting that love go and then it simply ceases to exist. And without love, then I cease to exist. Because of that mirror analogy. We mirror each other. Mirrored.

The truth is, Love doesn’t cease to exist.  It cannot.  If it does, it isn’t love. So, there’s never anything to fear. That’s just the lizard talking. (“there, there little lizard, everything is ok”)

But, I’ve held on to that for so long.  Why? Human nature? Sure. Addiction to the feeling of said mirroring?   Sure again. Wishing? Hoping? Wanting? Craving? Missing?  Yes, all of that. Especially missing. Missing my mirror. My love. My “you”. My co-defined “One”.

More accurately, the truth is it’s a bit more pitiful and self serving than that.

Because I know better. On the cellular level, I do. However halfway evolved I like to think I am, my monkey mind, my citta vritti still takes over sometimes. More than I’d like to admit. And then I selfishly feel sorry for myself. Then, of course, the inevitable self loathing for stepping off my own path to evol-lightenment. (That’s my hybrid of evolution and enlightenment. I don’t kid myself thinking I will attain enlightenment, but hope to simply stay on the path that enlightens me a wee tad more each day. Micro-Turtle steps.)

What a mess!! Do you see a downward spiral pattern here that makes you want to roll your eyes, or just chuckle at me softly because you are all human too, and understand, and know that I will right myself once again? Yes.  I will. And am. It’s so funny, really.

And this life o’ mine, really is extraordinary. That I’ve been privileged with this gift, this adventure, these eyes that get to see so much beauty…and these ears that hear so much music…these fingers that get to touch so much texture and life…this heart that gets to feel and experience so much magic… I have to chuckle at myself in spite of the monkey.

Looking back over the past year, I can scarce believe all that has happened and that I’ve experienced. The full moon night meeting with a kindred soul whose company I never grew weary of (no small feat)…a desert sunset, discovery…loads of discovery…hiking in Oman, night swimming in iridescent new moon waters…my father’s death – forever sealing the deal that he and I will never get to know one another…trips home to be with my loves in Virginia, time spent getting to know my brother (at least over email), camping in the Mangroves and watching Abu Dhabi’s lights from my open tent…an unforgettable karma yoga trip to India with 8 magnificently heart-beautiful women and meeting the most enchanting and loving children there…getting to sit in the temple of the Amritapuri ashram before dawn meditating…sleeping on the hard floor of the ashram dorm room and loving it…the inevitable breaking open of my heart when the time came to say goodbye to the subject mirror of this post…a journey to Thailand to meet new magical people and deepen my ashtanga practice Mysore style…the journey to France to reconnect with myself through endless daylong hikes through the mountains, vineyards, villages and the nights with beautiful friends there who have become family…the indescribably fortuitous experience of enrolling in the Martha Beck Life Coach course and the countless way-finders and beings of light and love I encounter there every single day and know that I will continue to in my evol-lightenment…watching the place I work fall apart and my job there start to die a slow death. (Yes, that’s happening, but it’s ok…when its over, new exciting things will await me!! I have no doubt about that)...all bringing me to today.

Reflecting on the magic and wonder of this past year. Astounding!! Profound. Beautiful. Otherwordly, even!

And yes, though through the writing of this post, I have found myself in a few heaps of heaving sobs, I end with the feeling with which I began:

Gratitude.

Sheer, unadulterated, endless, universe sized buckets of gratitude. Mixed with a bit of wonder over it all.  And complete unconditional love for all that has passed and all that is to come. Acceptance. Love. Unconditional. Peace. Enough.

…and that’s my message for any of you (however discombobulated it may be) who may not know what is next, or who may feel a little blue, out of sorts,  going through a heartbreak, unsure of how to start…

Start where you are.  Practice, practice – all is coming.  (You gotta love the yoga metaphors, as they are filled with truth.)  And know that you are loved and that you are love, as are we all.   It’s a big world and there’s a lot going on every day, too much really.  We are all in this together.  I’m honored to share the ride with all of you.

Yep! That’s a whole lotta feeling for a little cricket, but maybe, just maybe, that’s my superpower .

 

Namaste.

 

I've moved to Wordpress

http://camelkarma.com

see you there....
tell your friends...
bring some inspiration...
sit with me on my imaginary porch and we'll have some tea, and a chat...

love, love and more love.

reality - sanity - insane reality...whatever, it's just truth

it's all bullshit
and it's all real.
and it's all real
and it's all bulllshit
and the only thing that matters...is that even though it is all bullshit and it is all real....is that you keep believing. and that I keep believing.  and that somewhere along the way - we speak our truth, imagined persecutory consequences be damned.

just.  speak. your. truth.

message to everyone, anyone, all ones, you, me, the universe.

why I write....the epiphany extends...

You know that feeling when you realize something that you have always known, but didn't know you knew? Or that you figured was just your "cross to bear" and you didn't know how to express it, change it, much less conceptualize it? Well, I do...

and that's where I am today. 

Sitting squarely back at the beginning, in the proverbial "ring of fire" chock full of fear butterflies, but I think a few of them might just be excitement butterflies...(the good kind).

So, how to encapsulate this in writing so that it makes sense and keep it short without telling too many stories...

hmmm...here goes -

So, I've done this struggle/dance with unworthiness all my life, right? Not good enough...not smart enough...not thin enough...not pretty enough...not nice enough...not interesting enough...not successful enough...not from the right family enough...teeth not white enough...add whatever "not enough" most resonates here and you can maybe understand where I am coming from. Or maybe you can't. Hopefully you can't.  

Because, that ridiculously negative slippery slope leads to thoughts like "I can't talk to that guy, because I'm not pretty and thin enough and besides - who would love me?"...or worse, and yes, it is worse...."oh great, someone just said they love me so I better marry them - I'll figure out if we are a match later..." (can you say, recipe for DOOM??)..or "I can't apply for this job because I'm not smart enough or experienced enough or talented enough and anyway why would they hire me?"..."I can't smile because I'm ugly..." "I can't draw because I'm not talented"... "I don't have the right clothes to go to that party...to go to that yoga class...to go on that date..."..."I can't do this because of that...." etc, etc, etc, till I wanna puke. ENOUGH!

I know, I know - you think I am all self-confidence, sunshiney, rainbow, yoga is my life and so I'm zen and happy and my world is perfect because I get to travel and I say all this positive stuff all the time....Or, you may think I am full of shit because I live outside of romantic relationship-land and off the grid outside my home country and rarely see the ones I love and am hiding from something.... Somewhere in the middle lies the truth. 

So, back to my actual point, as indicated in the post title "why I write"... It's so simple, I can't believe I hadn't properly realized it previously. 

I write because when I write - I speak my truth.  When I write, I express without fear.  Or sometimes with fear, but I overcome it. I don't hesitate. 

Yet, when I speak verbally, I seem to dwell in the land of limiting beliefs and fear.
I always hesitate. I always second guess myself.  I always fear.

I fear that noone will listen...or that what I say doesn't matter...or isn't interesting...or that I will say it wrong...or that I will be misunderstood...or that I'll say something that causes conflict and that conflict will make me lose the relationship with the person to whom I am speaking...or that I am not worthy... talk about your vicious cycles!

So.  I wanna be a life coach, eh?  A role where speaking out loud and with purpose and love and direction is required? A place where I have to deem myself worthy enough to not only listen to what you want to share with me, but to also share something in return that will hopefully help you find your answers? Yep - I do.  And I couldn't be more excited about it!! (I'm oxymoronic that way.)

Disclaimer...As a life coach in training, my intent and purpose is not to fix you...not to tell you what to do...not to tell you what is wrong with you...not to judge you...and not even to counsel you.  My hope and mission is to inspire you and to share with you some tools that I'm learning to help you heal yourself...and love yourself and for removing any of your own limiting beliefs and obstacles and maybe help you realize that the negative voice in your head, your fear, your inner lizard are all just stories you have learned to tell yourself and that you can counter those stories with brighter, more love serving stories that will then hopefully lead you to realize that you, too, are worthy...and that you do deserve to live the life that calls to you...and that loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and recognizing that we are all connected and capable of magic we have never ever dreamed of.   I think all of us think we are alone, and the truth is - we are never alone. We are love.  We are one. We are worthy. Really.  We are.

Believe me, I've cultivated a deep and personal relationship with my inner lizard, (I call her "Penelope, please" - yes, a  nod to Terence Trent D'arby) over the years and am fully aware of all her neurotic tendencies and irrational fears...and while I haven't quite reached the point where I can cuddle with her and I don't always immediately recognize when she is sitting on my shoulder fretting...I can laugh at her and play with her when I step back long enough to see that she is just worried about not being safe.  Not being loved.  Not being accepted.  Not being heard. 

Then, I can calmly exhale and assure her that she is always safe with me and always loved and accepted and heard by me and that all will always be well.  Because it will.  Sometimes, I imagine I can hear her little tiny lizard sigh and she actually sounds like those wondrous laughing geckos I am so in love with in Costa Rica, India and Thailand. Maybe that is why I am always so at peace in those countries.  Ahhhhhhhhh - sigggghhhhhh.

Quick tidy summary? Give yourself a break.  Love yourself to pieces. Embrace the magic of the other living beings around you.  Tell yourself some new and wonderful stories.  And do what makes your heart sing. Do what your truth tells you to do. Do it even if your loved ones think you can't. And remember, we are all in this together.

And as all my yoga teachers and my yoga mat remind me daily- practice, practice. All is coming.

Namaste, ya'll.

It's funny, but it's true...

Here I am. March 22. 2013. A time my younger mind could not conceive of.

I'm 45. I'm living in the Middle East. I'm traveling the world. (Sometimes). I'm doing my best to live my truth, every day. I have no relationship of the romantic kind. I don't care. If I have one again, it will be extraordinary. I've learned that I shouldn't and quite frankly won't settle for less. Because I found that. And anything less would be ridiculous. And pointless.

And, I've never been happier in my life.

Really.

I've been AS happy. But not happier. I dig bliss. I do.

I have no idea what is next. Where I'm going. Or sometimes, exactly who I am....but I am in love with the journey. And with me. And with the planet and the universe. And mirrors. And catalysts. Energy. Love. Starlight. Waters that glow. Auras that glow. Naps on beaches. Memories that enhance, and don't pollute.

Thanks for being with me on this ride. For hangin in from time to time. For reading. I have this feeling it just gets more extraordinary from here. It may be only something I see, or feel, or hear....but it will be real nonetheless.

Love, light and peace.
X's and O's. Saids. And unsaids.
~~~N a m a s t e ~~~

Mirrors

A lover asked his beloved,

Do you love yourself more than you love me?

Beloved replied, I have died to myself and I live for you.

I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,

I am present only for you.

I've forgotten all my learnings,

but from knowing you I've become a scholar.

I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.

I love myself...I love you.

I love you...I love myself.

Rumi